Monday, January 13, 2014

POST OFFICE TO RAISE POSTAGE COST WITH NEW FLEETING STAMP

Long in debt and short in any good recipes for chicken piccata, the United States Postal Service announced yet another increase in the cost of first class mail. In what is being called an insane and psychotic move (why else would Goat Soup Radio cover the story?) the "Forever" stamp will be replaced by its newer counterpart, the "Fleeting" stamp in October 2014. Details are sketchy but it appears that the value of the stamp, beginning at $.52, will only be good for 44 seconds from the time that the clerk hands the stamps to the purchaser. Thereafter, the stamp will automatically go down in value (or depreciate in value if you went to community college) at the rate of $.03 per hour. Each Fleeting stamp will be electronically coded to reduce in value whether part of a sheet of stamps, in its book, sitting alone in some dark, smelly wallet or having been lovingly licked on to an envelope by some unsuspecting wet tongueOnce my brother figures out how many hours it will take for the stamp to be totally worthless (calculus, bottle caps, stick figures?) the answer will be made public.


Mailing a letter? Be thorough, be smart
 but most of all, be quick

In a move that the Post Office says has nothing to do with the Fleeting stamp announcement, all mailboxes will be relocated by September 2014 to a minimum 2,000 feet from any post office, street intersection or place of human habitation. As well, due to global warming, all mailboxes will be raised a minimum eight feet off the ground.

To make up for years of free-wheeling, fiscal foolishness, the Post Office will now require any money owed due to incorrect postage to be paid back in blood - and not the fake stuff, either. Each post office will soon be equipped with knives, gauze pads and hospital bed pans for the collection and storage of what is anticipated to become a "money in the bank" side line for the Post Office. Larger post office centers will also be equipped with leeches for those that owe less than a dollar. A doctor's note won't help.


Example of stamp used 8.5 hours after purchase.

Gost Soup Radio spoke with Economics Professor Drupe Penobscot of the State University of North Central Piggy Banks. Dr. Penobscot, a highly paid consultant to the United States Postal Service, gave GSR a $20 gift certificate for Starbucks, a Los Angeles Dodgers key chain and the following comment: "the Fleeting stamp is good for the Post Office, good for the American public and, most importantly, good for nothing after 12 hours."


So to supper, and thence after prayers to bed.
                     - Samuel Pepys  (23 February 1633 - 26 May 1703)



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