RUSSIAN DESTROYER OFF BEACH AT CONEY ISLAND. DECISIVE REFERENDUM SET FOR NEXT WEEK.

With Vladimir Putin following through with his promise to "protect and defend Russian citizens and interests wherever they may be", the Russian Destroyer, Kinsky Shpinsky has placed itself just 1/2 mile off Coney Island beach in Brooklyn, New York. Russian officials are calling it a training exercise that has been in the works for many months but White House gender free spokesperson Esther Lester said last night that the United States does not see it that way and is looking for further clarification. With candles burning bright and baskets of gluten free seaweed chips being ravenously devoured, West Wing officials tried to make sense of the unfolding story, especially after five Russian sailors came ashore last night and jumped ahead of everyone in line to ride the Cyclone Roller Coaster.

Smuggled NSA pic of Russian ship
off Neptune Avenue, Brooklyn.

Almost 750,000 individuals claim to be either first or second generation Russian emigres living in Coney Island and its surrounding area. Frequently dubbed "Little Odessa", many of the streets and byways of this community look as if they were plucked right out of the Russian city itself. Most people in the area are multilingual, speaking English, Russian and Brooklynese, while almost everyone carries around with them their favorite borscht recipe. Petty crime is almost unheard of in this Russian outpost as those that are caught find themselves shipped off to America's gulag, Detroitsky, Mishegoss.

In a lengthy, boring speech, Russian President Vladimir Putin defended his country's aggressive move saying "Russian settlers, moving across the Bering Sea were exploring North America while you were still diddling around with the Black Plague. Although we have no eye on the rest of Brooklyn, Russian advisers have been dispatched to at least three blocks east and west of Cropsey Avenue and will protect our interests."
Low flying drones of unknown origin have been sighted over Sheepshead Bay.

Anonymous sources deep inside the Kremlin, tells GSR that Putin's plan all along was to begin annexing all Russian occupied territories that begin with the letter "C". Thus, Crimea and Coney Island have been the first to go.
Speaking in such a heavy Russian accent that we couldn't understand a word he said, Victor Tolstoy, Professor of Russian Dressing at Columbia University, seemed to say that Putin's next move would be against the Cleveland Browns.

23 unknown objects newly
discovered in Coney Island.

International outrage of this incursion into American waters has been swift. Last night, the United Nations Security Council condemned the move. In a tainted, tweeked, twisted, twitted talk, Bok Choy, U.N. spokesperson said, "We deplore Russia's brazen attempt to gain control over Coney Island. But, being that nothing separates us from Brooklyn except the Brooklyn Bridge, we'd like to say good luck to the United States and feel free to park wherever you want."

Sources say plans are in the works for a referendum that will decide Coney Island's future:

• Should Coney Island become a protectorate of Russia with the Belt Parkway becoming the new southern most international border of the United States? Circle Yes or No.
• Which of the following two philosophical directions should Coney Island follow? Circle Karl Marx or Groucho Marx.
• Which third grade curriculum should be followed in all Coney Island elementary schools? Circle Vladimir Lenin or John Lennon.

Signs of the takeover are beginning to be felt. Nathan's Famous Hot Dog restaurant is now only accepting rubles as payment and their hot dogs are only served on black bread. Diet and regular vodka are available in regular, large and Siberia-size-me.

Mikhail Prokhorov, Russian oligarch who owns the Brooklyn Nets, has quietly substituted the singing of the United States national anthem with Russia's national anthem, "Мать Россия будет раздавить тебя, как синицы" ("Mother Russia Will Crush You Like a Titmouse"). Editor's Note:  Goat Soup Radio is not in the habit of using lewd, lascivious language for the sole purpose of titillating (there, we said it again) its many followers. A titmouse is a small cheery-voiced nonmigratory woodland bird. 

President Obama, speaking from an undisclosed location in the Oval Office, threw down the gauntlet, then picked it and then threw it down again when he said, "Coney Island wants to become another communist state? Fine. No Obamacare for you!"

IT'S THE PROTEST COMPANY'S SEMI-ANNUAL "MARCH ON WASHINGTON" 40% OFF SALE

Do you feel it's time to say something? To protest? To strike? To demonstrate? Well, now you can while leaving all the petty logistics and boring pre-planning to others.

Since 1967, The Protest Company (NYSE symbol: TPC) has been supplying the tools, the sweat and the agendas for some of the most significant marches on our nation's capital. From securing adequate parking, to queuing the applause as your ass is hauled off to jail, to passing out goodie bags as your supporters leave D.C. and head home with all those memories. Comrad, we do it all.

Have a gripe? We’ll take it to the Man.

Feel betrayed? We’ll take it to the Man.

Not feeling it? We’ll take it to the Man.

Whatever your stance, this is the march for you! Don't be deceived by cheap imitators. Our marches use real buses with working toilets, topless women with real tattoos walking up and down the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool carrying signs in support of your cause and we guarantee photo ops with at least two members of Congress  Also, remember that there are always plenty of umbrellas and warm, dry towels back at the bus if it rains!

So come to Washington, tear down the barricades and see what you can do to make a difference in your pathetic little world. And don't forget to pick up your "I Marched on Washington" t-shirt after you've made bail.

************************************************

************************************************

Here are some questions and issues recently brought up on C-Span and/or at Sally's Original Mexicali Restaurant and Bar that you may want to embrace:

Are envelopes getting too expensive?
Is the federal tax code keeping waitresses from making a decent living?

Should toll booth collectors keep extra socks with them?

Why does the FCC only hire men or women?

Is the government dragging its heels on time travel?

Should everyone just shut up about global warming?

Should movie theaters close on one's birthday?

Do you want Obamacare to cover pets?

Should Canada and Mexico switch places?

Is FM in control of the CIA?
Should Richard Nixon run in 2016?

Of course, this is just a list of suggestions. Come up with your own cause and we'll nurture it just like it was one of our own (just leave the Interstate Commerce Commission out of this).

***********************************************

***********************************************

Elvira chose Platinum and
she's ready to change the
world

 

The Protest Company offers three levels of service guaranteed to complement your sense of commitment and pocketbook:

Our SILVER package includes the following:

• 10 minute orientation
• a copy of our DVD, "Civil Disobedience: What To Wear, What To Sing"
• all the material to make one 2'X3' banner
• editing of your speech (no longer than 500 words)
• two protesters who will walk with you (3 city block maximum)
• name and phone number of a lawyer to help you get out of jail.
• two rocks (5 oz. maximum) 

All this for $495.00.

*******************************************************

Our GOLD package includes:

• Round trip bus fare to Washington, D.C.
• 30 minutes face-to-face with professional speech writer
• 25 demonstrators for up to 5 hours
• 3 Molotov cocktails
• 10 Grateful Dead bandannas
• a lawyer waiting at central booking to get you out of jail
• hot and cold lunch sandwiches
• 20 minute video of your "Day of Rage"

All this for $795.00

*********************************************************

Our PLATINUM  package includes:

• limousine service to and from your home and Washington, DC. (wet bar extra)
• 30 minutes face-to-face with professional speech writer
• complete makeover with Diego Alvarez, Che Guevara's stylist
• 20 Molotov cocktails
• 10 all purpose gas masks, Stay-Tight model no. 45HT558
• 3 look-alike Black Panther body guards
• One 20' X30' wooden stage fully wired for sound and video
• 1 ambulance with EMS personnel available 9-5 (1 hour lunch break 12-1)
• forearm tattoo of either Karl Marx or Groucho Marx
• 4 Goodyear tires with igniter fluid and matches
• autographed copy of Quotations From Chairman Mao
• Buffet lunch for you and 30 demonstrators
• 30 minute video of your "Day of Rage"
• 60 minutes to stand before the Supreme Court and argue your position

All this for $1095.00.

**************************************************************
**************************************************************

Listen to what others have to say about The Protest Company:

"I was angry but I didn't know what to do. My library would only let me take out 7 books at a time. Now, thanks to The Protest Company, Congress passed the 'Take Out As Many Books As You Want From The Library'  bill. Thanks, and right on!"- Mary Overman, Kalamazoo, Michigan

"Thanks to you guys, I started the  movement for a National Squirrel Day. You guys are the greatest."
- Harry Flutterman, Oceanside, NY


"In the 1980's my records sales really begin to slump. I couldn't get a gig. Then I signed up with The Protest Company and began playing at all their marches. Word got around, my fans came back and now I'm really socking it away into my 401K." - Bob Dylan, Big Pink, Woodstock, NY


"I didn't know where I stood on gay marriage. Then, I took the Silver Plan against gay marriage and two months later, took the same plan for gay marriage. After these two wonderful experiences, including 5 days in jail and a court date in November for inciting to riot, I realize now that love conquers all."  - Esther Lester (formally Eddie Lester), Crooked Neck, Georgia


****************************************************
****************************************************

Reservations are going fast. A $300 deposit will put you in the thick of things in our nation's capital. Don't be left out of this one, comrade. What are you going to tell your kids about in your old age? The day you brought 12 items to the 10 items or less express checkout line at Shop Rite? 

As a special added bonus, place your deposit by May 1 and we'll include one Port-O-Potty for every 5,000 demonstrators. 

FDA OKAYS THREE WAY PILL

The 1950's saw many scientific breakthroughs. Highlights include Ukulele Jones, Hawaii's favorite son, who, in 1955, took the sacred four cornered hula hoop, dumped the corners and sold millions. In 1951, our main man, Hugh Hefner, proved Einstein's 2nd theory of heavenly bodies showing that the centerfold, ipso facto, the center of the universe, could, in fact, hold two enormous breasts at the same time while they were moving at the speed of light in opposite directions. But, what is generally accepted to be the greatest breakthrough of this decade is Masters and Johnson's 1957 seminal paper, "What Turns Women On In Bed?"

Interviewing  487 women between the ages of 21 and 95, the three greatest "turn-ons", in order of importance, was a man's sexual potency, fresh breath and a French accent.
Previously, it would have taken a man years to master these three areas. Such a feat would require millions of sit-ups and push-ups combined with total abstinence from masturbation, gallons of mouthwash and at least 4 semesters of Conversational French, including one semester at the 400 level with permission of the instructor.

Taking its cue from this oft cited paper, pharmaceutical companies, not to mention Girls and Guns Magazine, have tried to help the American male realize his full potential. Save for certain potential side effects such as blindness, heart failure and bloody urine ( a small price to pay for a good woody, wouldn't you say?), the dreaded malady ED (erectile dysfunction) has now been all but tamed by a simple little pill. Of course, getting drunk as a skunk doesn't help matters, nor does trying to have sex with someone while driving your pickup 70 mph with your sister in the back seat.

Dolores says, "My men take
Friagra, or they take me home."

Today, all that has changed. Dover Pharmaceuticals, in collaboration with the Let's Learn French Company, introduces Friagra. One pill taken before the appointed time and a man will be sailing full speed ahead with all four oars rowing hard and swift, all the while speaking in that crazy French accent. Bad breath got you down? Try Friagra Mint for that cool, minty flavor. She'll think you've taken her away to some breezy tropical island instead of that sleazy, cheap motel you've using since you were 17.

*************************************
*************************************


However, Goat Soup Radio would be remiss if it didn't present the full story behind this new wonder drug.

1. Experimenting first with male lab rats, erections were stupendous but their French was a little hard to understand.
2. Female lab rats showed no preference for Fresh Mint over Regular. Apparently, oral sex isn't such a big thing in the animal kingdom.
3. After accidentally feeding Friagra to some female lab rats, Dover Pharmaceuticals had to place an emergency order for some really, really small dildos.
4. Unfortunately, Friagra has been banned in France, It seems that men taking Friagra, while already speaking French, made them sound like Pepe Le Pew.
5. Germany has also banned Friagra. But, this it seems was just to piss off the French.
6. A generic knockoff from Thailand has become available. Unfortunately, due to language issues, lint was added to the pill instead of mint. Possible side effects include; dry mouth, lots of hair balls and necessitating the brushing of your tongue on a daily basis, preferably with a lint brush.
7. When taken in suppository form, that fresh, minty feeling may actually burn a little bit between the cheeks and your French may be an octave or two higher.
8. Contrary to what you've seen on YouTube, adding Friagra to your pickups gas tank does not let you go that extra mile.  
9. If we didn't believe in the stuff and had not personally tried it ourselves, we would never write about it. That's not to say, of course, that we are in need of it. Investigative journalism really takes a lot out of you, especially around last call.

OUR 6TH ANNUAL 'HOW TO GET INTO MEDICAL SCHOOL' ADVISORY REPORT

Welcome to another 4-H award winning Goat Soup Radio Career White Paper.

Previous CWPs have looked at the high cost of preparing for an interview at Friendly's, the sordid relationships between human resource managers and their estranged families, why the military has taken an about-face and is only promoting those with painful bunions and how to make up for lost income by practicing dentistry in your spare time.

The U. S. Department of Labor has rated medical doctors' salaries just behind those of corrupt Russian oligarchs and high school art teachers who begin working at age 11, live at home with their parents, turn the lights off when they leave a room, never marry, never spend a dime and don't stop working until they're 87.

And so, take notice. Getting into medical school

 Goat Soup Radio will fight for you.
 See full disclosure below.

 has never been easier if you follow our simple rules (and have a backup plan, maybe two):


I. The MCATS. 
GSR has counseled hundreds of applicants over the years and, for our listeners, we always suggest applying to schools that don't require the MCATs. Two examples would be the Mogadishu School of Tropical Medicine and Maritime Piracy and The Medical School at Vladivostok, Siberia (Go Caribou!) of and for the Criminally Insane, Politically Liberal and Just Plain Not Lucky. Speaking to graduates of these two schools, we do not recommend taking the meal plan.

In the United States, there is the Acme School of Advanced Cosmetology and Medicine in Camden, NJ. This school is particularly appropriate for those applying later in life as everyone graduates in just one year as long as you maintain a grade of at least an F-. As well, with Camden having one of the highest crime rates in the country, medical students will not have to share cadavers during their two week anatomy class.

II. The Application. 
Now here you may think that we are going to tell you to claim yourself as every minority, religious and ethnic blend that you can think of. Nothing is further than the truth. The best thing we can say here is be yourself. Medical schools are just clamoring for redneck, ultra conservative, gun toting, bare footed, road kill eating, moonshine drinking, banjo playing, trailer park living, teeth missing. pick up truck driving, fifth grade educated, hairy underarmed, hand-me-down clothes wearing wahoos like yourself.

III. The Application Essay.
If you can understand the difference between a sentence and a picture, you can get through this. Although its probably best to copy and paste the Declaration of Independence as your essay, feel free to consult your fifth grade teacher on this one.

One last thing. Never, never use spell check. Looking at the incoming freshmen class for all U.S. medical schools, not one student is from the Czech Republic. Note:  if you don't get this last joke, please see me after class.

IV. The Personal Interview.
This is your time to shine. Making a good impression here will determine your future, the happiness and security of your children, your children's children and their children.

A.  If you're going to go out drinking the night before your interview, always wear the clothes that you will be wearing for the interview. That way, should you get really get wasted, you won't lose a lot of time in the morning looking for your pants.

Quinn is ready for
her interview

B.  Before walking into the interview, discard your shoes. When asked during the interview why, simply say that you have given all of your shoes away to the poor. It's never worked, but we think we saw this in a movie.

C.  Never give a firm handshake. When the interviewer shakes your hand, pretend that they have a strong, vise like grip and say something like, "Wow, you're really strong. You really must work out". Buckling at the knees should be practiced at home.

D.  The way to take charge of a conversation and be the commanding presence in the room is to always be physically above and therefore be looking down at the other person. Therefore, always bring a pillow with you to the interview to sit on, Just be sure the pillowcase doesn't have any of your drool on it from the night before.

E.  Bring a packed suitcase of all of your stuff. That way, you can tell them you're ready to start right away.

F.  If it doesn't seem to be going well, pretend to lose consciousness. After two or three shocks from the defibrillator, get up and apologize, saying you contracted malaria during the summer when you were working as a volunteer aid in Kenya. As an alternative, you can claim Ebola hemmoragic virus. However, you will have to walk into the interview bleeding from every orifice and die a horrible death within 36 hours. Graduation would be difficult.

*********************************************
*********************************************

In full disclosure, should you become a doctor, Goat Soup Radio will take 45% of all your earnings for the first 25 years while you're in practice and thereafter 60% of all your earnings until you retire, move to Florida,  have all your dinners no later than 4:00 in the afternoon, develop diabetes, have a heart attack, drop dead and then be flown back to Chicago in a casket and buried somewhere overlooking Lake Wobegon. Should disclosure not be to your liking, see datclosure over there. 


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
It was in the reign of George III
that the above-named personages
lived and quarreled, good or bad,
handsome or ugly, rich or poor, they 
are all equal now.
--- William Makepiece Thackery, Stanley Kubrick Barry Lyndon

RUMORS CONTINUE TO SWIRL AROUND SUPERBOWL. PEYTON OR ELI?

Sports Obscura Magazine, a self published zine out of Scottsdale, Arizona first brought up the question during Superbowl halftime on its blog. Who is throwing for the Denver Broncos, Peyton Manning or his twin brother, quarterback Eli Manning of  the New York Giants? With scant followers (even less than Goat Soup) the question didn't seem to have any legs. However, once the game ended at 43-8 in favor of the Seattle Seahawks, Sports Obscura's veteran reporter Eddy Weddy sent the question to his brother, Teddy Weddy of WEBE Radio, Tampa. From there, questions began to be raised.

Did Eli take over for Peyton? Was Peyton ill or injured before kick-off? Was Peyton such a fan of Modern Family that he had to stay home that night and watch it? Could this be the reason for the lopsided score? Did NFL bigwigs and little toupees know this was going on? Is this the biggest kept secret since the United States traded Detroit and $27 billion for Montreal in 2013?

Only known close-up (without helmet)
 of "Peyton" during the game.

Goat Soup Radio, in another 4-H amateur livestock winning investigative report, has collected the facts. You decide:

1. It is well known that Eli wears a size 8 hat while Peyton wears a size 7. Why did "Peyton" always have trouble taking off his helmet?
2. Three days before, on Media Day, Peyton did say he felt a cold coming on. Why didn't "Peyton" sneeze even once during the Superbowl?
3. During the game, why was Eli's wife, Tiger, biting her nails, just like she does at all of Eli's games with the Giants?
4. During the third quarter, "Peyton" yelled at his left tackle Stanley Waskowski  for missing a block. However, he called him Lisa, the first name of the wife of the Giant's assistant travel director.
5. Why were there so many New York and New Jersey fans in the stands?
6. Right before the game, "Peyton" only hugged his wife, Quinn. No tongue action there, very strange.
7. Why did "Peyton" run so quickly into the clubhouse after the game? And why was he looking so fresh and rested during the post game interview?
8. The brothers' grandmother, MawMaw, usually very talkative to local reporters, hasn't been seen in public since before the game.
9. Finally, in their official bios, both Eli and Peyton say that their favorite movie while growing up was The Parent Trap. Coincidence, conspiracy or barroom misunderstanding?

*****************************************************

*****************************************************

For the next 39 hours, GSR is asking you, the listening public to call in with your opinion:

Dial 849-403598  (849-PEYTON) if you think Peyton threw in Superbowl XXLJC or

Dial 849-839 (849-ELI) if you think Eli threw in Superbowl XXLJC or

Dial 849-7348594857118544280 (849-I'MSITTINGHERENAKED) if you think I am sitting here naked. 

*****************************************************

Please Note:  All responses will be kept strictly confidential. GSR does acknowledge that former NSA contractor, Eric Snowden, pinko communist stooge that he is, did release some 10,000 pages of transcribed phone calls between GSR and The Sheikh of Araby. However, until we get enough frequent flier miles for a 10 day fun filled vacation to Cabo, Mexico, we're not talking.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               

.

THIS VALENTINE'S DAY GIVE A PIECE OF YOUR HEART

Since 1982, the Cardiac Catheterization and Rip The Guts Right Out Center at The Great Michael Jackson Sands Hospital has offered special Valentine's Day rates for those wishing to give the very best. Imagine your loved ones surprise while they're thinking chocolates or flowers and you present them with a piece of your heart?

"My girlfriend is going to love
this. And with Groupon  I
 saved an additional 20%."

Under the direction of Dr.Twoski Brewski, world renowned mixologist and almost board certified surgeon, those wishing to have a piece of their aorta removed, copper plated and beautifully gift wrapped, can now do so at the incredible low, low price of just $4,556.99. Taxes, medical waste pick up and confinement to a nursing home after 90 days extra. Don't have the cash? No problemo! Dr. Brewski accepts pure heroin, sexual favors and stolen credit card numbers in batches of 20. Still can't come up with the do-re-mi? There's always Obamacare.

Using minimally invasive procedures that Dr. Brewski picked up while working at Gooch's Greater Detroit Towing Service, blood loss is kept to a minimum, you don't have to use your real name, and infection rates are less than 95%!

Don't wait until it's too late to book your operating room time and you find yourself saying, "aorta have called earlier." 

This is a once in a lifetime opportunity (Dr. Brewski may be losing her medical license real soon and your lifetime could be cut real short). So, while you're sitting on your bar stool counting the hours down to Valentine's Day with nothing to show for it, download the Great Michael Jackson Hospital surgical consent form. Just be sure to initial the paragraph that says that you are easily the craziest son of a bitch this side of Patagonia for consenting to this procedure and that right after recovery, if you recover, you will immediately have yourself committed.

****************************************
****************************************

In an exclusive interview with GSR,  Dr.Brewski sat down with us to talk about this very special gift offering.

GSR. Tell us about the procedure, Dr. Brewski.

Brewski.  I noticed one day that they we were selling heart shaped medallions in the hospital gift shop.Well, I thought to myself, why not sell the real thing? I've always been very entrepreneurial.

GSR.  And did The Great Michael Jackson go for the idea right away?

Brewski.  Oh, no. They were concerned at first about removing part of the heart which might lead  to complications. Well, I assured them that the ancient Incas would remove a man's heart with very crude instruments and still the guy would be kicking and jumping around for a few minutes and that modern medicine has made some great strides since then.

GSR   Have there been any complications?

Brewski.  Only once when I accidentally removed a woman's larynx instead of her aorta. But, she was always very introverted so it didn't seem like much of a change.

GSR.  Any other holiday specials coming up?

Brewski. We always get a lot of requests for our frontal lobe flag pole insertion procedure around July 4th.



**************************************

Editor's Note:  The full version of this interview can be found at www.wannabuyabridge?.com

AMAZON AND KLEENEX INTRODUCE THE KLENDLE: THE SMART TISSUE

Has this ever happened to you? You're in a crowded bar. Then, right after sneezing incredibly loud with full body contortion, you grab a tissue, proudly look around expecting gesundheits all around and you get nothing? Well, those days are over my little friend. With the new Klendle Smart Tissue, each sheet is embedded with the new Springboard HSX microchip. Consequently, each and every time you sneeze into one of these babies, you get a "gesundheit" back, available in 14 languages, male or female, drunk or sober. Coming soon in Finnish.

But the smart tissue does more than spew gesundheits. The Klendle Smart Tissue is 224 times stronger than regular tissue with an unequaled snot absorbency rating of 32 DNMs. Editor's Note:  1 DNM (dried nasal mucus) = 3 boogers.

Even we don't know the relevance
of this picture.

As a pubic service, GSR would like to list the many reasons why the Klendle Smart Tissue should always be right under your nose:

1. Every time you blow into one it analyzes your nasal mucus for 12 different bacteria, nine viruses and three types of dry rat turd.
2. After analysis, the tissue will turn pink (you've got a cold), red (go see a doctor) or black (you have six hours to live).
3. Next time you cut your foot off with a lawn mower you can use a Klendle as an emergency tourniquet, or to write your last will and testament on.
4. With 32 DNMs behind it, one Klendle can last you through a week's worth of the plague.
5. Never miss the wastebasket again! Every Klendle uses the same technology the CIA uses in its secret drone program. Discard your Klendle in any direction and it will always makes its way into the basket.
6. Not only does the Klendle tell you when you are down to your last 10 tissues, it remotely places your next order. You don't have to lift a finger!
7. Has your whole family come down with something? After your disgusting mucus is analyzed it is chemically sterilized, so you can feel free to share your used Klendle with your loved ones.
8. As an added bonus, Klendles smell and taste like 12-year-old Parmesan cheese. So don't feel shy in grinding a few up and adding them to your favorite Italian dish.
9. After having that cold for a week or two is your nose red and sore? The Klendle Smart Tissue comes loaded with anabolic steroids to reduce redness and swelling. Warning: The Sturgeon General has reported that the overuse of this product can lead to flaring nostrils of such magnitude that people have been known to have been be swept away in the most gentle of breezes.
10. Do people recognize you from a distance of 500 feet simply by the same repetitive sound you make every time you sneeze? Through patented nanospaghettiotechnology, the Klendle Smart Tissue can modify the sound you make as you blow into it, thus mimicking the sound of any musical instrument (kazoo excepted), animal call or tree falling in a forest. Imagine sneezing in church one day and all anyone hears are two harps playing Ave Maria. 

************************

Ave Maria,

Gee it's good to see ya,

Doing the Vatican Rag - Tom Lehrer

Klendle Smart Tissues.
We don't blow, you do. - Steve Ryman