MARINI CLIPPER ECONOMIC INDEX TUMBLES 13.06%: FEDERAL RESERVE CALLS FOR CALM

Obama To Convene "Super Economist Group".
Goldman Sacks 'O Money Begins Charging For Meals In Company Cafeteria.

The Marini Clipper Index, one of the most internationally recognized barometers of the health of the American economy took a big hit today. With its uncanny ability to describe the dollar's value (past, present and future) with great accuracy and human pathos, the Index is also known to be 99.95% immune against falsehoods, flubs, flops, fallacies, falsettos, falsies and flatulence. Today's announcement of its near total collapse appears to have quartered the yen, diced the euro and grated the British pound quicker than you can freeze a bunch of screaming, kicking earthworms by sticking them in your kitchen freezer right next to your favorite bottle of chilled vodka.

Since its creation in 1934 when Professor Marini Pannini of Yale University's School of Neat Rope Tricks first published his groundbreaking solution to the Six Mallomars on a Train Problem, the Marini Clipper Economic Index has been the cornerstone of nearly every economic decision that the Federal Reserve, the U.S. Treasury Department and Gooch's All Night Towing Service have made.

Marini Clipper Economic Index
takes a dive. Is anything safe
anymore?

Editor's Note: To fully understand the Marini Clipper Economic Index, the following information has been lifted, without permission, from the award winning documentary "Advancing Our Cause: The Nail Clipper, the Great Depression and Me". 

Often, big ideas start with an idea that just gets bigger. So it was with Dr. Fred Munckshoe, the only podiatrist in I Liked It Better When We Were a Territory, Idaho. It was April 16, 1932 when Dr. Munkshoe broke his only nail clipper on Little Sam Harden's left big toenail. Needing a replacement, the good doctor bought a new nail clipper from his supplier who then sent Dr. Muckshoe a thank you note. Fast forward one week (leaving out for the moment Dr. Muckshoe's strange dalliance with the widow Kitteridge, 20 years his senior and seven inches taller) Dr. Muckshoe came to a really ridiculous conclusion. "Suppose," he says, "that if more people ordered even more nail clippers, well then, wouldn't even more people become happy with their lot in life? Wouldn't that just be swell for the entire nation?"

This was his great spark of genius, his epiphany, and his gesundheit all rolled up into one big cheese gnocchi. "All I have to do", he said, "was count the number of nail clippers purchased nationwide, divide by something or other and thus have a single arithmetic value of America's economic strength. Why didn't I think of it when I still had my license?"

The final scene in the documentary shows Dr. Muckshoe driving north to Yale University (he mistakenly thought Yale was in Billings, Montana) to convince the famous professor, Marini Pannini, that the Great Depression could be overcome by putting more nail clippers into the hands of America's downtrodden and unemployed. Thankfully, the documentary ends with the evil Professor Pannini being hauled off to jail after having stuffed Dr. Munkshoe, his nail clippers and poor Mrs. Kitteridge into a trunk and mailing them all off to Where's My Next Beer Coming From, Australia.

What does all this have to do with the price of a half dozen hot wings at Sally's Cantina and U.S. Post Office Substation? We don't know. But the next time you visit Norway and have to exchange American dollars for Norweigian ikeas (or whatever they use there) you can thank "Too Tall" Kitteridge for all those crisp 500 Norweigian bills you have in your pocket.

TAKE QWIK-SNEEZE AND STOP THOSE EMBARRASSINGLY LONG DRAWN OUT SNEEZES

Let's be real. You're standing in the wings of the Kennedy Center in Washington D.C, waiting to accept your lifetime achievement award for always finishing the beer in front of you before beginning another. And you're just one half mile from where one of our greatest presidents, Richard Milhous Nixon got us out of Vietnam, opened China, ended the draft, established the EPA, signed Title IX, thus ending gender bias in colleges and universities, established American Indian tribal self determination, participated in the Strategic Arms Limitation Talks, signed the Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaty, supported a military coup against Chilean Marxist President Salvador Allende, actively supported Israel during the Yom Kippur War and sank millions and millions of dollars into the war against cancer. Need I go on?

Anyway, there you are about to walk onstage and be handed your hard earned award from some six foot two inch red haired super uber model (born in some Alpine country somewhere) who's wearing nothing but two pieces of dental floss and seven inch black stilettos with the leather straps that go up the ankles when you feel the mother of all sneezes coming on.

Here are your choices:

1. Just let it happen and probably sneeze all over the hottest girl you've ever been within two miles of.
2. Try to hold it in and walk on stage, mouth open, face and upper body clenched tight, eyes almost shut, breathing rapidly and not able to speak or think.
3. Run out of there, go back to Phoenix, live your sorry life unrecognized for anything, gain 30 pounds, become hypertensive and die in the men's room of Sally's Taco and Beer Cantina.
4. Or... you can take just one Qwik-Sneeze tablet, sneeze before anyone notices, go onstage, get your award, lock lips with Francesca, go back to Phoenix and never feel embarrassed about falling off a bar stool again.

Even sneezing and praying at the same time won't
help. Clint could use a Qwik-Sneeze.

The choice is easy and the one and only brand you can trust is Flim Flam Phlegm Pharmaceutical's Qwik-Sneeze. Since 2012, Qwik-Sneeze has been there for people that are just too loud and too gross when they have to let out that big sneeze.

Look, if you're going to sneeze why not control it before it controls you? Why not get ahead of the game and take a Qwik-Sneeze when needed and quickly and quietly sneeze into your shirtsleeve, your sandwich or your friend's sandwich? Really, don't you draw enough attention to yourself in life already with your B.O., your hairy ears and your nail biting?  Also, do you think it's fun for someone else having to count Mississippis while waiting for your latent sneeze to appear so they can say "Gesundheit" and move on?

Editor's Note:  Ever since Popovich's 1972 groundbreaking study showing that a sneeze is equal to 1/10 of an orgasm, people have been seeking the holy grail of medicine: the constant, unremitting sneezing pill. Now, with Qwik-Sneeze, as long as you are into quickies, you're set for life!

And now it's easy. Qwik-Sneeze is available in both tablet and gel capsule form. Are you one of those who find it difficult swallowing pills and capsules? Qwik-Sneeze is now available in our patented easy-to-swallow faux raw clam gelatinous glop.

FDA Red Label Warning.

The effect of taking more than five Qwik-Sneeze units in a single 24-hour period has not been established, However, should you find yourself one day sneezing uncontrollably, slobbering all over your friends and causing wide spread outbreaks of the flu in cities you've never been to, then follow these simple rules:

1. Take a long hot shower.
2. Bring your best outfit to the dry cleaners.
3. Shine your shoes.
4. Purchase the largest bread you can find that comes in its own plastic bag, remove the bread and get into the bag.
5. Wait for The End. A good drink or two is permissible as well as sex (if available). 

CARRYMEPLEASE OBTAINS $4 MILLION IN FIRST ROUND FINANCING

Trading on the success of ride sharing services such as Uber, Lyft and Gett, Carrymeplease seems to be the new "it" tech company. Beginning on October 15, 2013 with Carrymeplease's founder Dorothy Nematoda taking foreign rights legal adviser Mike Dresser piggyback from his desk to his wastebasket, a new mode of social transportation was born.

Mike and Dorothy reenact
the company's first ride.

"I have to admit, we had our fingers crossed," said Mrs. Nematoda."When Mike used our app asking me to become his Piggy Wiggy driver and deliver him from his home base to his wastebasket, you could hear a pin drop. But, I took a deep breath, walked directly over to him, went into receptacle position number one and in just a heart beat there he was, transported from home base to wastebasket, efficiently and securely."

Asked for his own memories of that special day, Mr. Dresser replied, "I was amazed. She came up in front of me so quickly. Once she got into position, I knew it was my time to take the next step. I focused as hard as I could and I guess I jumped on her back, I really don't remember much after that. The next thing I know I was standing in front of my wastebasket and everyone was cheering. I was so thrilled to be there and to be a part of Dorothy's 20 year dream, I found myself crying, laughing and peeing, all at the same time. It was so emotional."
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Currently. there are three cities involved with the Carrymeplease beta version: Hest, Arkansas, West, Florida and Chest, Maine. To become mankind's first choice in locomotion, these three towns and cities had to meet or exceed six very specific parameters:

1. Towns and cities (hereafter T&C's - I don't have all day, here) where at least 12% of the population leave their bedroom at least once per day.
2. T&C's where 25% of the population don't mind bending over once in a while.
3. T&C's where people are getting tired of cars, taxis, bicycles, buses, trains, airplanes, nuclear powered submarines, sleds pulled by reindeer and of course, walking, running, skipping or hopping.
4. T&C's who's name rhymes with breast.
5. T&C's where people have to get from Point A to Point B, enjoy breathing clean, fresh air, don't mind wrapping their legs around strangers and don't mind eyeing the occasional butt crack.
6. T&C's no greater than .0057 square miles in area.

Carrymeplease now makes it so convenient for anyone to get anywhere. With it's newly patented Wave Technology you'll find yourself with an eager and willing Piggy Wiggy bent over outside your door in just minutes. Just download our free app and get in gear!

With our new Wave Technology even
little Lulu can quickly snag a ride.

Now, with $4 million dollar in angel investing to play with (after all, this is all made up while I'm waiting for my Meatballs and Mozzarella Hot Pockets to warm up), Carrymeplease is ready for the next challenge.

"I don't see why this very simple but very effective mode of transportation can't be NASA's answer for landing astronauts on Mars," said Peter Notfunnyenough, Carrymeplease chief engineer and absolute lunatic. "Our studies show that the amount of forward inertia generated by that initial jump is at least 300 times more powerful than popping the cap on a bottle of artisan beer. Multiply that by our estimated user base in the year 2145 and Mars is just around the corner."
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IF YOU LIVE IN A TOWN OR CITY THAT RHYMES WITH THE 

WORD 'BREAST', CARRYMEPLEASE WANTS TO TALK TO YOU!

It is estimated that each day in the United States someone goes somewhere every 5 seconds! Why put yourself in a vehicle when you can put yourself on a vehicle? If you live anywhere within the sound of my squeaky shoes, you can't pass up this opportunity. Catching a ride with a Carrymeplease PiggyWiggy will save you time, money and gas.

Or...are you interested in becoming a Carrymeplease Piggy Wiggy and make a guaranteed $5000 per month in your spare time (once you leave your chiropractor's office each day)? Text us with height, weight, date of birth and the last nine digits of your social security number and join our team today!

AGRICULTURE DEPARTMENT BANS OUTDOOR SMOKING ON FARMLAND

Change Coming in 2018

"This is the most important advance to come to farming in the past 50 years. Forget genetically modified seeds, crop rotation, Pringles and sing-alongs. This is the hot potato, the cold cauliflower, the   singing snap pea all rolled into one." - Hey Abbott, Chairman, Farming, Bungee Jumping and Interstate Idolatry Subcommittee

The U.S. Department of Agriculture announced today that smoking will be banned from all exterior grounds on farms with more than three acres of arable land. It was said that the decision was made in light of the newest Corn On The Cob Community College (Go Kernels!) study that showed for the first time a significant relationship between secondhand smoke and poor quality, diseased farm products.The announcement went on to say that suspicions were raised when it was noticed that seed crops were aging faster and quickly getting out of breath.

Goat Soup Radio, always ready to do the footwork, spoke to Arnie Johanson, owner of the Bite My Three Cows Farm in Beep-Beep County, Wisconsin. "I thought I was going crazy, especially during harvest season. Every time I heard a hacking cough coming from my patch of cucumbers, I'd look around and wouldn't find anyone. Changed the oil in my tractor almost every day but it didn't help.Then at church one Sunday, I overheard Old Man Plowshares saying just about the same thing. Only he kept hearing a wheezing sound coming from his wheat field. I've been smoking since I was four. What am I supposed to do now, switch to those new electronic cigarettes and start sucking on some Chinese transistor battery?"

Wally Watermelon and Candy Cantaloupe can
now go ahead with their wedding plans, even
though Wally is still bereft of seed. *

Steven Cuke, a professor of absurdest agronomy at Corn On The Cob told GSR that the the federal government has to act fast before this country falls into into what he called an 'avalanche of asthmatic agricultural anarchy'. 

"If anyone's ever sat with a Vidalia onion that's coughing all day and trying to catch its breath, well, it's just too hard to put into words," said Dr.Cuke.

GSR's political correspondent, Cherry Picker (former Steve Ryman's girlfriend and now dating anyone not on life support) uncovered a little known rule in the government's ban on outdoor smoking. Apparently smoking will be permitted on tobacco farms in designated areas. Exposure to secondhand smoke has been observed to sexually arouse the stems of tobacco plants (Nicotiana marlborous) and in so doing makes for a stiffer cigar.

GSR's science correspondent, Esther Lester texted us from his mom's house where he has been living since he was three. Mr. (or Ms.) Lester reported that once subjected to second hand smoke a tomato has a 37% chance of beginning to smoke cigarettes, a 15% chance of smoking cigars and a 4% chance of using chewing tobacco. The likelihood of graduating college drops 45% and the chances of remaining on the vine until harvest drops 68%! Furthermore, smoking cessation programs, common in urban areas, are hard to find in today's pastures, especially for chain smoking endives.

It may be a long time before Benny
 Broccoli has another coffee and a smoke.

FDA WARNING:
Exposure of tobacco plants to more than 20 minutes of continual secondhand smoke may result in that most terrible of all side effects, plantus erectus significus. Should such a stem erection (plantus erectus) last more than one growing season (very significus), do not attempt to treat. Call Flaccid Control at 1-800-YME-YME-YME and ask for Nurse Ratchet. 

* If you don't get this joke, office hours are 2:15 PM to 3:30 PM every Tuesday. But just not this decade.

CONGRESS MOVES THANKSGIVING HOLIDAY TO JANUARY

CHANGE GOES INTO EFFECT 2017
LOSING SIDE CRIES FOWL
SEEN AS VICTORY FOR K STREET TURKEYS FOR TOMORROW LOBBY

After three hours of intense debate, the House of Representatives narrowly passed the American Turkey Reprieve Bill (HR No. BIRD-485). Perched high above the steps of the Capitol, Representative Warren G. Breastbone made the historic announcement. "Between those who wanted to stuff themselves each Thanksgiving with turkey and those that wanted to give all turkeys the right to a long and prosperous life, a compromise has been reached. By moving the holiday to January, turkeys from coast to coast will have an additional two months to kick around the barnyard, grow fat with their friends and family and live long enough to find out who won the Superbowl. Some may say that two months is just not enough but we must keep in mind that a turkey year is the same as 18 human years.... I think. Once the National Cranberry Sauce Association signs on, we think it'll fly."

It may be too late here for Fred but we're
sure he's smiling down from avian heaven.

Snood Wattle, spokesperson for Turkeys Have Rights And Souls, Hombre (THRASH) put out the following statement:  "A simple presidential pardon of just one turkey each year by the president was unacceptable. Why should that one pardoned turkey carry all that guilt? Let the word go forth from this time and place that each and every turkey deserves his or her share of the American sweet potato pie."

Baste University recently polled 1,246 turkeys and asked if they preferred the extra two months of life or would they rather be electrocuted, decapitated, plucked and frozen for the traditional November date. By a margin of 1,242 to 3, the preference was to wait until January. One turkey wasn't home and three turkeys liked the fact that Thanksgiving fell on the last Thursday in November and said they couldn't wait to become tomorrow's leftovers. 
Editor's Note: These three suicidal birds have since received intensive psychological help and are now doing much better except for the occasional quack. The one non respondent turkey came home Tuesday and has since found a job at Whole Foods collecting shopping carts in the parking lot.

Goat Soup Radio has obtained through the Freedom of Giblet Act, the previously double secret hidden political  platform of THRASH and is presenting it here for your listening pleasure.

1. Every turkey deserves to live a long and fruitful life regardless of how juicy its breast meat is.
2. Shoved into a turkey's breast, those sharp, pointy pop up turkey timers represent a form of cruel and unusual punishment and should be replaced by non invasive digital scanning thermometers.
3. Gay. lesbian and transgender turkeys should be allowed to add their significant other onto their health insurance plan.
4. People should be made aware that saying that someone has a turkey neck is a compliment and not a derisive comment.
5. Over 10 million turkey wishbones are snatched from turkeys annually and maliciously torn apart. The federal government should immediately begin work on creating the world's first sure-grip stem cell wishbone.
6. Roasting turns the skin of a turkey golden brown which can cause premature age spots (the dreaded turkey freckleiasis). Before placing the turkey in the oven, only apply butter or oil to the turkey skin with an SPF14 rating or higher. 
7. Most turkeys do not stay in school past the eighth grade. All turkeys should be encouraged to graduate on time. 
8. Congress should pass the Free Range Turkey Bill permitting turkeys to travel throughout the United States and Canada without the threat of being mistaken for an ostrich and shot.
9. Turkey pot pies are primitive, vestigial hold outs from 18th century American colonial recipes at their worst and should be immediately outlawed under penalty of no less than three days of painful pernicious public pubic pecking.
10. Eat a leg, plant a leg. Turkeys once roamed the Americas in the millions. Sadly, their numbers have dwindled. After finishing that moist, meaty turkey leg, go out to the garden, plant the uneaten leg at least six inches below ground, water carefully and help fill the skies once again with that American of all birds.
11. Eleven? You try to write one of these. 

RIGHT: I wish I was 6 inches taller and had a smaller forehead.

LEFT:  I wish I could find someone else to date besides this mellon head.

CAREENING CHIANTI CARAFE COLLISION KILLS CLAIR VOYANT (45), CLAIRVOYANT TO THE STARS AND FRANCHISE DEVELOPER

Yesterday, Hollywood's 'D', 'E' and 'F' list paid their final respects to Clair Voyant, one of the most powerful figures in movies, television and Greek oracles. Known in the trade as an-expensive-know-it-all-before-it-happens, Ms. Voyant, Ouija to her friends, epitomized the typical Hollywood story.

Growing up under her parents kitchen sink in I Liked Being a Territory, Idaho and never seeing a can opener until she was 12, Ms. Voyant could only picture in her mind what it would be like to run through a school playground, the air whistling through her hair and not hitting her head on a drain pipe. But I digress.

No car? Just call us up. Note
official Clair's uniform and cap.

After making her way west in the back of a cabbage truck, Clair knew she'd score big.Time and time again she was able to pick Hollywood's winners and losers: the movies, the stars, the boob jobs, the elevated shoes. It was said that for $500, Clair would choose for you the right movie project, tomorrow's wardrobe and your next colonoscopy. 

Pinching her pennies and many a cheek among Hollywood's glitterati, Clair opened her first fortune telling storefront. One store became five and soon, Clair's House of Clairvoyance became one of the most successful franchises around. With over 650 storefront fortune tellers, many with Clair's exclusive Read Your Palm drive-through windows, Clair Voyant made her fortune. Famous for creating the concept of  "super-timing"  one's session from the regular 20 minutes to an extra large 50 minutes of predictions, prognostications and pure nonsense, Clair's House of Clairvoyance left her competition far behind.

Taken right from the prospectus of Clair's House of Clairvoyance, here are seven reasons why you should become an owner of one of the fastest growing franchises in the world.

1. Be your own boss, set your own hours and find out how to fleece anyone.
2. Learn how to levitate, walk on the ceiling and make howling, creepy sounds just by pulling on your ear lobe.
3. Make new friends with dead people.
4. Become really good at shaking tables without anyone seeing you do it.
5. Once you get the hang of teleporting your mind, you'll never loose a sock again.
6. By always having to keep the room dark, you'll cut your monthly utility bills in half.
7. Ready to retire? Drill three holes into your crystal ball and take up bowling.

Still not convinced that Clair's House of Clairvoyance isn't the best investment you could make? Go ask someone at McDonald's if you should put all your money into Balkan organic clam farming and see what kind of an answer you get.

Hesitant? Listen to Clair (from Beyond) and know that you're making the right decision. 

"Comrade, Are you tired of working in a dead end job when you could be working with dead people, not to mention a beloved dead pet once in a while? Haven't you had your fill of bending over every time the boss comes around when you could be bending forks and spoons just by thinking it? But let's be really honest. It's not the money, is it? We both know it's the power! Here I am standing right behind you, whispering in your ear and I'm dead. True, you're an idiot. But isn't that the point? Comrade, let me make you rich!"

PROTECT YOUR U.S. ASSETS WITH AN OVERSEAS FRIEND

Is the IRS slowly eating you alive? Don't you want to stop filling all your empty peanut butter jars with your hard won tens and twenties? Or are you a 56 year old middle school art teacher (a complete failure at internet dating, by the way) who has saved every penny you've ever earned, always turned off the lights when leaving the room and has brought the same boring cucumber and lettuce sandwich to school every day for the past 23 years?

Gooch's All Night Island Towing and Asset Management Group would love to hear from you! Not one of the 7,387 other asset management companies on our tropical, sunny island of Little Cay can hide your money better and change your car's windshield wipers faster then us. We've been in the business since 1998 with 17 U.S outstanding warrants, 46 subpoenas and no convictions!

Harvey says, "Thanks to Mr. Gooch,
I'll now be able to take it all with me."

Editor's Note: The etymological  origin of the word 'asset' is unknown. However, the first known use of the word (for the listener's convenience, here set in bold)  is found in William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet.

ACT 2 Sc. 4
ROMEO  Reason not the need. Pray tell, hast thou spied Juliet, what a beautiful ass et seems to be.

Really, why hide your money somewhere on Little Cay and not also have the peace of mind of never having to fix a flat yourself? Do you really want to come down here and give all your assets to some elitist, ivy league graduate who only cares about his golf swing and upcoming divorce so he can finally score his trophy wife?

FAQs

I have a lot of money invested in a hog farm in North Dakota. How many hogs can you keep for me?
What, are you crazy? If you want to put all that bacon somewhere, send it over to IHOP. This ain't no barnyard.

I am a high net worth client. Can you accommodate me? 
Brother, you come down here and we'll set you up real good. Homemade Jamaican beef patties, your own take home beach towel and all the curry goat you can eat.

Can a foreigner open a bank account in Little Cay?
Now what you want to go do that for man? You just bring over all your cash, gold and diamonds to Mr. Gooch and don't you worry about any of that.

What if I'm followed down to Little Cay?
Not to worry man. They may fly into Little Cay on Antigua Air but they'll be flying out of Little Cay on little angel wings.

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Just listen to what some of our handful of customers have to say about Gooch's All Night Towing and Asset Management Group:

"I've been stealing from my company for years. I was rolling in dead presidents. Fancy cars, jewelry, my own line of organic staple guns. But I still couldn't hide it quickly enough from the wife and kids. Then, I heard of Gooch's. Now I get to keep all of my money and I don't need my AAA card anymore." - Esther Lester III, Goldilocks, Texas.

"Yes, I had a Gooch account in Little Cay. My money was safe but then I got careless and I began to keep some extra cash in one of those Swiss banks you keep hearing about. Big mistake. The feds stepped in and now all I get for breakfast is water and powdered eggs." - Earl O. Glouschester, Inmate no. 584739. Aurora Prison for the Criminally Inept and Stupid, This-Ain't-No-Alcatraz, Maine.

"I sent Mr. Gooch $8.98 that I saved from my lemonade stand. Now I wanna buy a goldfish but he won't let me have any of my money back. That's not fair. I want my money!" - Little Tommy Gunn, 7, Crybaby, Illinois.

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And remember...
 Gooch's All Night Towing and Asset Management Group is a founding member of the Little Cay Better Business Bureau for the Betterment of Us and Screw Everyone Else.