Friday, May 22, 2015

CLINTON KEEPS LOW PROFILE CAMPAIGN IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

Takes morning waitressing job at Lulu’s Coffee Shop in Nashua for duration of state primary race.

Continuing her pledge to represent the common men and women of this country, Hillary Clinton has put away the Brooks Brothers pinstriped three button suit and the Stuart Weitzman Power Dress Pumps for a Sears exclusive Tina Fey Collection shirt and slacks, a pair of Easy Spirit Mary Janes (size 11, who knew?) and a three pocket black apron. Beginning her shift at 5:00 AM she has been greeting the local farmhands, truckers and early risers with a big smile, a hot pot of Lulu’s famous dark brewed coffee and a handwritten "Vote for Hillary and I'll Forgo My Tip" paper napkin.




“As a globe-trotting Secretary of State you spend a lot of time in coffee shops," said Mrs. Clinton. "I've always found that the waitress, whether in Beirut, Ho Chi Minh City or Johannesburg, always has the ear of the customer. Particularly when it comes down to a choice of either the pot roast with whipped mashed potatoes or the cobb salad with grilled shrimp. On a personal note, I am proud to say that when I was Secretary of State I submitted more Yelp reviews on coffee shops throughout the world than any other federal employee in the Obama administration.”

Leftists love Lulu's liver.


Standing against a wall in the back alley behind Lulu's, Mrs. Clinton took her five minute mid-morning break. With one last drag of her Virginia Slims cigarette, she flicked it to the ground and continued. "I've spent thousands of dollars listening to consultants how best to connect with Mr. and Mrs. John Q. Pubic. Waitressing is the best way that I've found so far. Nothing works better to keep the conversation going than handing over a clean menu, keeping the ketchup bottles full and bending over the table just enough to throw a hint of cleavage the customer's way. Besides, what's more American than being served a piping hot stack of blueberry pancakes, talking politics and a husband that did not have sexual relations with that woman? "


Republican hopefuls have taken notice. Next week, Marco Rubio will be towel drying cars Monday through Thursday (never a charge for car mats ) at Elsie's Suds City in Exeter, New Hampshire. Texas Senator Ted Cruz plans to be behind the counter at Roy's Smoked Pig Emporium, while Governor Christie, with his intimate knowledge of bridges and highways, has landed a job with the Town of Nashua's roadkill pickup crew ("you squash 'em, we wash 'em").

Ted Cruz lets Carly Fiorina know that they're 
hiring at Dick's Garden Nursery.

Unfortunately, it hasn't been smooth sailing for former Florida Governor, Jeb Bush. Looking to show himself to be a man of the people and score some deep discounts as well, Mr. Bush applied to every store in the Lake Winnipesaukee Outlet Mall but never got a call back. Although deeply disappointed, Jeb hasn't given up looking. With the help of the Bush Library he is rumored to be rewriting his resume and working on making eye contact. He's also asked his mother to drive him around to more stores this time and it's hoped that this will help.

Namaste

Friday, May 15, 2015

COLORADO COUPLE CONVINCES CONGRESSIONAL COMMITTEE CARROTS CAN COPY COMPASSES

Mr. and Mrs. Hey Abbott of Are We Glad They Passed That Marijuana Law, Colorado testified Tuesday before the Senate Subs and Hoagies Appropriations Committee. Although normally held behind closed doors and in front of open windows, an exception was made for this day's testimony. In a bow to the 21st century, the influence of social media and millennials (most of whom are a-holes and haven't read another book since "Goodnight Moon") the Committee allowed the meeting to be heard on any electronic device including but not limited to smartphones, smart TVs and smart toilets.

Editor's Note: We love smart toilets. Especially when you have to get to a meeting real fast. However, some brands have been known to automatically flush too quickly when you begin to stand up and you have to wipe yourself all over again. Back to Shark Tank with that one!

Our story continues.
Testifying under oath and probably under the influence as well, Mr. Abbott began his brief but enlightening testimony taking the Committee back to his farm in 1995. It was here that Mr. Abbott first began growing vegetables, saving some for his family and selling the rest at a roadside stand that he bought for $250 after selling all of his wife's shoes.

"It was the carrots," Mr. Abbott said."Every few hours at my vegetable stand I would have to keep rearranging the carrots. I never had that problem with the peppers or the kale. Wherever I put those guys, that's where they'd stay. Then, one day just before closing a man pulled up in his pickup truck asking for directions to Tina's Roadkill Bar-B-Que Pit. Well, I had just been there the week before. Me and Mrs. Abbott had shared the One Week Old Armadillo Roadkill Tuesday Special. So I just pointed north in the direction of Tina's and told him to try the rancid but piquant squirrel tail appetizer. Well, he looked at me and said, 'Thanks friend, same direction as the carrots are pointing, I suppose'.

Homeless? Rudderless? Lostless? Make
a carrot your friend and a confusing
map will become nothing but Pam
spelled backwards.


So I look down at the carrots and sure enough there they were, all pointing in the exact same direction I was. And then it hit me. A carrot is nature's compass. And I thought to myself, down through history all those brave explorers just needed to bring a carrot with them. No need for some special guide or fancy map. Lewis and Clark didn't need Sacajawea. Magellan didn't need Google Earth. The Three Stooges didn't need Moe. Dorothy didn't need the yellow brick road and certainly, Columbus didn't need Ohio."

"I started to watch them very carefully", Mr. Abbott continued. "Slowly, very slowly they would always move themselves into a north-south alignment. That's when I realized what the second half of the 21st century would be like. It would be the carrot telling us where to go, where we've been and how to get away from there. No more asking for directions, maps or GPS units. Just go with your own deeply felt wanderlust, your favorite Hot Pockets and your carrot!



video
Ford has begun to equip all of their 2016 cars with
    Carrot Positioning Sensors. Note patented Goat Soup
  Radio Carrot Coupling Rear-View Mirror Attacher. 
Available in silver, gold and cute little baby seal fur.


FDA BLACKBOX WARNING: 

1.  The carrot in your carrot positioning sensor must be replaced every six months or after 23 nibbles, whichever comes first. Failure to do so may result in car rot, you rot and (if you have kids) tot rot.

2.  Substitutions for carrots such as rolling pins, dildos, cucumbers or used toilet plungers - even with the aid of your favorite lubricant - may result in that dreaded of all maladies, personas disorientes so lostus. A disease so bloody and rare it had to be sent back to the kitchen, so quick it wasn't worth getting back into bed for, so rapacious we had to look up what the word meant, so feared it required its own Affordable Care Act. 

3.  Despite the misguided meshugana musings and malaprops of the California Carrot Cooking Council, carrots are both a good source of vitamins A, B, D and E as well a wonderful source for the four cardinal directions: North, South, East and West. And that's all we've got to say about that.