Monday, March 24, 2014

RUSSIAN DESTROYER OFF BEACH AT CONEY ISLAND. DECISIVE REFERENDUM SET FOR NEXT WEEK.

With Vladimir Putin following through with his promise to "protect and defend Russian citizens and interests wherever they may be", the Russian Destroyer, Kinsky Shpinsky has placed itself just 1/2 mile off Coney Island beach in Brooklyn, New York. Russian officials are calling it a training exercise that has been in the works for many months but White House gender free spokesperson Esther Lester said last night that the United States does not see it that way and is looking for further clarification. With candles burning bright and baskets of gluten free seaweed chips being ravenously devoured, West Wing officials tried to make sense of the unfolding story, especially after five Russian sailors came ashore last night and jumped ahead of everyone in line to ride the Cyclone Roller Coaster.
Smuggled NSA pic of Russian ship
off Neptune Avenue, Brooklyn.

Almost 750,000 individuals claim to be either first or second generation Russian emigres living in Coney Island and its surrounding area. Frequently dubbed "Little Odessa", many of the streets and byways of this community look as if they were plucked right out of the Russian city itself. Most people in the area are multilingual, speaking English, Russian and Brooklynese, while almost everyone carries around with them their favorite borscht recipe. Petty crime is almost unheard of in this Russian outpost as those that are caught find themselves shipped off to America's gulag, Detroitsky, Mishegoss.

In a lengthy, boring speech, Russian President Vladimir Putin defended his country's aggressive move saying "Russian settlers, moving across the Bering Sea were exploring North America while you were still diddling around with the Black Plague. Although we have no eye on the rest of Brooklyn, Russian advisers have been dispatched to at least three blocks east and west of Cropsey Avenue and will protect our interests."
Low flying drones of unknown origin have been sighted over Sheepshead Bay.

Anonymous sources deep inside the Kremlin, tells GSR that Putin's plan all along was to begin annexing all Russian occupied territories that begin with the letter "C". Thus, Crimea and Coney Island have been the first to go.
Speaking in such a heavy Russian accent that we couldn't understand a word he said, Victor Tolstoy, Professor of Russian Dressing at Columbia University, seemed to say that Putin's next move would be against the Cleveland Browns.

23 unknown objects newly
discovered in Coney Island.



International outrage of this incursion into American waters has been swift. Last night, the United Nations Security Council condemned the move. In a tainted, tweeked, twisted, twitted talk, Bok Choy, U.N. spokesperson said, "We deplore Russia's brazen attempt to gain control over Coney Island. But, being that nothing separates us from Brooklyn except the Brooklyn Bridge, we'd like to say good luck to the United States and feel free to park wherever you want."

Sources say plans are in the works for a referendum that will decide Coney Island's future:
  • Should Coney Island become a protectorate of Russia with the Belt Parkway becoming the new southern most international border of the United States? Circle Yes or No.
  • Which of the following two philosophical directions should Coney Island follow? Circle Karl Marx or Groucho Marx.
  • Which third grade curriculum should be followed in all Coney Island elementary schools? Circle Vladimir Lenin or John Lennon.


Signs of the takeover are beginning to be felt. Nathan's Famous Hot Dog restaurant is now only accepting rubles as payment and their hot dogs are only served on black bread. Diet and regular vodka are available in regular, large and Siberia-size-me.

Mikhail Prokhorov, Russian oligarch who owns the Brooklyn Nets, has quietly substituted the singing of the United States national anthem with Russia's national anthem, "Мать Россия будет раздавить тебя, как синицы" ("Mother Russia Will Crush You Like a Titmouse"). Editor's Note:  Goat Soup Radio is not in the habit of using lewd, lascivious language for the sole purpose of titillating (there, we said it again) its many followers. A titmouse is a small cheery-voiced nonmigratory woodland bird. 

President Obama, speaking from an undisclosed location in the Oval Office, threw down the gauntlet, then picked it and then threw it down again when he said, "Coney Island wants to become another communist state? Fine. No Obamacare for you!"



Monday, March 10, 2014

IT'S THE PROTEST COMPANY'S SEMI-ANNUAL "MARCH ON WASHINGTON" 40% OFF SALE

Do you feel it's time to say something? To protest? To strike? To demonstrate? Well, now you can while leaving all the petty logistics and boring pre-planning to others.

Since 1967, The Protest Company (NYSE symbol: TPC) has been supplying the tools, the sweat and the agendas for some of the most significant marches on our nation's capital. From securing adequate parking, to queuing the applause as your ass is hauled off to jail, to passing out goodie bags as your supporters leave D.C. and head home with all those memories, we do it all.


Have a gripe? We’ll take it to the Man.
Feel betrayed? We’ll take it to the Man.
Not feeling it? We’ll take it to the Man.

Whatever your stance, this is the march for you! Don't be deceived by cheap imitators. Our marches use real buses with working toilets, topless women with real tattoos walking up and down the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool carrying signs in support of your cause and we guarantee photo ops with at least two members of Congress  Also, remember that there are always plenty of umbrellas and warm, dry towels back at the bus if it rains!

So come to Washington, tear down the barricades and see what you can do to make a difference in your pathetic little world. And don't forget to pick up your "I Marched on Washington" t-shirt after you've made bail.

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Here are some questions and issues recently brought up on C-Span and/or at Sally's Original Mexicali Restaurant and Bar that you may want to embrace:


Are envelopes getting too expensive?
Is the federal tax code keeping waitresses from making a decent living?
Should toll booth collectors keep extra socks with them?
Why does the FCC only hire men or women?
Is the government dragging its heels on time travel?
Should everyone just shut up about global warming?
Should movie theaters close on one's birthday?
Do you want Obamacare to cover pets?
Should Canada and Mexico switch places?
Is FM in control of the CIA?
Should Richard Nixon run in 2016?

Of course, this is just a list of suggestions. Come up with your own cause and we'll nurture it just like it was one of our own (just leave the Interstate Commerce Commission out of this).
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Elvira chose Platinum and
she's ready to change the
world

 
The Protest Company offers three levels of service guaranteed to complement your sense of commitment and pocketbook:

Our SILVER package includes the following:
  • 10 minute orientation
  • a copy of our DVD, "Civil Disobedience: What To Wear, What To Sing"
  • all the material to make one 2'X3' banner
  • editing of your speech (no longer than 500 words)
  • two protesters who will walk with you (3 city block maximum)
  • name and phone number of a lawyer to help you get out of jail.
  • two rocks (5 oz. maximum) 
All this for $495.00.
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Our GOLD package includes:
  • Round trip bus fare to Washington, D.C.
  • 30 minutes face-to-face with professional speech writer
  • 25 demonstrators for up to 5 hours
  • 3 Molotov cocktails
  • 10 Grateful Dead bandannas
  • a lawyer waiting at central booking to get you out of jail
  • hot and cold lunch sandwiches
  • 20 minute video of your "Day of Rage"
All this for $795.00
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Our PLATINUM  package includes:
  • limousine service to and from your home and Washington, DC. (wet bar extra)
  • 30 minutes face-to-face with professional speech writer
  • complete makeover with Diego Alvarez, Che Guevara's stylist
  • 20 Molotov cocktails
  • 10 all purpose gas masks, Stay-Tight model no. 45HT558
  • 3 look-alike Black Panther body guards
  • One 20' X30' wooden stage fully wired for sound and video
  • 1 ambulance with EMS personnel available 9-5 (1 hour lunch break 12-1)
  • forearm tattoo of either Karl Marx or Groucho Marx
  • 4 Goodyear tires with igniter fluid and matches
  • autographed copy of Quotations From Chairman Mao
  • Buffet lunch for you and 30 demonstrators
  • 30 minute video of your "Day of Rage"
  • 60 minutes to stand before the Supreme Court and argue your position
All this for $1095.00.

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Listen to what others have to say about The Protest Company:

"I was angry but I didn't know what to do. My library would only let me take out 7 books at a time. Now, thanks to The Protest Company, Congress passed the 'Take Out As Many Books As You Want From The Library'  bill. Thanks, and right on!"- Mary Overman, Kalamazoo, Michigan


"Thanks to you guys, I started the  movement for a National Squirrel Day. You guys are the greatest."

- Harry Flutterman, Oceanside, NY


"In the 1980's my records sales really begin to slump. I couldn't get a gig. Then I signed up with The Protest Company and began playing at all their marches. Word got around, my fans came back and now I'm really socking it away into my 401K." - Bob Dylan, Big Pink, Woodstock, NY



"I didn't know where I stood on gay marriage. Then, I took the Silver Plan against gay marriage and two months later, took the same plan for gay marriage. After these two wonderful experiences, including 5 days in jail and a court date in November for inciting to riot, I realize now that love conquers all."  - Esther Lester (formally Eddie Lester), Crooked Neck, Georgia



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Reservations are going fast. A $300 deposit will put you in the thick of things in our nation's capital. Don't be left out of this one, comrade. What are you going to tell your kids about in your old age? The day you brought 12 items to the 10 items or less express checkout line at Shop Rite? 

As a special added bonus, place your deposit by May 1 and we'll include one Port-O-Potty for every 5,000 demonstrators. 






Monday, March 3, 2014

FDA OKAYS THREE WAY PILL

The 1950's saw many scientific breakthroughs. Highlights include Ukulele Jones, Hawaii's favorite son, who, in 1955, took the sacred four cornered hula hoop, dumped the corners and sold millions. In 1951, our main man, Hugh Hefner, proved Einstein's 2nd theory of heavenly bodies showing that the centerfold, ipso facto, the center of the universe, could, in fact, hold two enormous breasts at the same time while they were moving at the speed of light in opposite directions. But, what is generally accepted to be the greatest breakthrough of this decade is Masters and Johnson's 1957 seminal paper, "What Turns Women On In Bed?"

Interviewing  487 women between the ages of 21 and 95, the three greatest "turn-ons", in order of importance, was a man's sexual potency, fresh breath and a French accent.
Previously, it would have taken a man years to master these three areas. Such a feat would require millions of sit-ups and push-ups combined with total abstinence from masturbation, gallons of mouthwash and at least 4 semesters of Conversational French, including one semester at the 400 level with permission of the instructor.

Taking its cue from this oft cited paper, pharmaceutical companies, not to mention Girls and Guns Magazine, have tried to help the American male realize his full potential. Save for certain potential side effects such as blindness, heart failure and bloody urine ( a small price to pay for a good woody, wouldn't you say?), the dreaded malady ED (erectile dysfunction) has now been all but tamed by a simple little pill. Of course, getting drunk as a skunk doesn't help matters, nor does trying to have sex with someone while driving your pickup 70 mph with your sister in the back seat.
Dolores says, "My men take
Friagra, or they take me home."

Today, all that has changed. Dover Pharmaceuticals, in collaboration with the Let's Learn French Company, introduces Friagra. One pill taken before the appointed time and a man will be sailing full speed ahead with all four oars rowing hard and swift, all the while speaking in that crazy French accent. Bad breath got you down? Try Friagra Mint for that cool, minty flavor. She'll think you've taken her away to some breezy tropical island instead of that sleazy, cheap motel you've using since you were 17.

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However, Goat Soup Radio would be remiss if it didn't present the full story behind this new wonder drug.
  1. Experimenting first with male lab rats, erections were stupendous but their French was a little hard to understand.
  2. Female lab rats showed no preference for Fresh Mint over Regular. Apparently, oral sex isn't such a big thing in the animal kingdom.
  3. After accidentally feeding Friagra to some female lab rats, Dover Pharmaceuticals had to place an emergency order for some really, really small dildos.
  4. Unfortunately, Friagra has been banned in France, It seems that men taking Friagra, while already speaking French, made them sound like Pepe Le Pew.
  5. Germany has also banned Friagra. But, this it seems was just to piss off the French.
  6. A generic knockoff from Thailand has become available. Unfortunately, due to language issues, lint was added to the pill instead of mint. Possible side effects include; dry mouth, lots of hair balls and necessitating the brushing of your tongue on a daily basis, preferably with a lint brush.
  7. When taken in suppository form, that fresh, minty feeling may actually burn a little bit between the cheeks and your French may be an octave or two higher.
  8. Contrary to what you've seen on YouTube, adding Friagra to your pickups gas tank does not let you go that extra mile.  
  9. If we didn't believe in the stuff and had not personally tried it ourselves, we would never write about it. That's not to say, of course, that we are in need of it. Investigative journalism really takes a lot out of you, especially around last call.