Friday, November 27, 2015

HILLARY OUTLINES BILL AND CHELSEA'S POSITIONS IN HER FUTURE ADMINISTRATION

Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has released the first outline of future duties and responsibilities for former president Bill Clinton and daughter Chelsea once Mrs. Clinton becomes president.



"Have to also ask mom for France. The
Seine is just insane." 

 Chelsea Clinton, already with her initials scratched into the top drawer of Abraham Lincoln's writing desk when she was previously living in the White House will, pending Congressional approval, become ambassador to Italy, the Vatican and Pappa John's Pizza. When GSR asked Chelsea Clinton's people how she felt about this multi-prong appointment, her people put out the following statement. 

"Chelsea feels that this is the perfect job for her. It brings together many of her finest attributes; a smattering of the Italian language, her love of anything papal and a strong desire to bring Pappa John's specialty pizza, The Works, (beloved by her father) back on the White House Friday night menu."

Tweeting to her 34,456,397 followers, Mrs. Clinton had this to peck away at: "Chelsea has always been the brains behind my policy initiatives while I was Secretary of State. I can't think of another individual with more impressive qualifications necessary to carry out this important assignment.
"Chelsea, want to swap ambassadorships?"


Former president Bill Clinton will also be given an ambassadorship. He, however, will be traveling a little further. Bill has been told to pack his bags and get ready for an eight year stint as ambassador to Easter Island. Although no one on Easter Island has ever heard of the internet, karaoke, Happy Hour or hot grits with tomato gravy, Bill has been assured that he will have open access to the oval office whenever the sun and the Goataurius Minor constellation are in such position to allow radio transmissions to the mainland, 2,368 miles due east.


"It was tough at first," said Mrs. Clinton, "to convince Bill that Easter Island was where he would help me the most. True, you're essentially cut off from the outside world save for the mail plane and Uncle Che-Che's anchovy boat that makes its way to the island about every seven months. And yes, baked albatross is the national dish while the only fish Bill ever eats is catfish. But, when I told him the female to male ratio on the island was 5 to 3, that everyone was pretty much a first cousin of everyone else on the island and that he would be the only American male within 7,749 miles, he jumped at the chance."


However, experts disagree how easy it will be for supposed president Hillary to get her husband's nomination as ambassador to Easter Island through the tough vetting process. Traditionally, the post has gone to seals or scurvy sickened stowaways. However, members of the House and Garden subcommittee on Lascivious Appointments and Erotic Escapades may be hesitant to approve the nomination. We can't think of one reason why. 
Barney Blowhole, current American ambassador to Easter Island.
"No way I'm giving up this cushie post without a fight. I'm going
to boot his ass all the way back to Arkansas."

Friday, November 20, 2015

DECEMBER 5th IS BRUSH YOUR TONGUE AWARENESS DAY

The statistics are startling.
 The American Restaurant Association says that 12% of all people finish their main course in restaurants by licking their plates clean.
Bad tongue habits start early
As well, in 2006 (the last time the survey was conducted) the ASPCA said that 33% of all dog owners give their pet dogs a little tongue at least once per month. Noted as well, a joint study between Brown University's School of Bordello Economics and the Foundation for Sexual Advancement and Trysts found a strong, positive correlation between those landing their first job after college and oral sex. 


Shakespeare, who hasn't written a single word in over 250 years, said our eyes are the windows to the world and our tongues, the 24/ 7 conveyor belt. Words never more true today.

Connie Lingis: Miss Brush Your
Tongue 2012
 In 1998, when President William Jefferson Clinton signed the proclamation naming December 5th, Brush Your Tongue Awareness Day, it signaled a new beginning in the fight to make Americans sit up and take notice as to just where they are putting their tongues and what to do about it afterward.

Remember: there is no 'morning after' tongue pill.

Purposely situated between Thanksgiving and New Years (Turkeys tally tongues, too) this is both a day of oral avian honor and a day hope.

Since that historic signing, December 5th has become the time to look back over the past year and take inventory. The People for the Advancement of Warm, Wet Tongues have offered these 6 warning signs of the dreaded Tongue Abandonment Syndrome.

  1. Do you know how to say the word tongue in more than 4 languages?
  2. Do you wake up more than 3 days per week not knowing where your tongue has been?
  3. Do six tongues make a right?
  4. Is your only goal in life to to tie a cherry stem in a knot with just your tongue?
  5. Do you find yourself short of breath while reading American Lollipop Magazine?  
  6. Do you find it difficult to hold a toothbrush in one hand and your Johnson in the other?

If you can answer yes to two or more of these questions, then all is lost. But, if you can only answer one of these questions in the affirmative, there is hope. Call the number at the bottom of your screen, get ready, ask for Cherry and have your credit card ready.

1-800- ORAL-GLEE4ME
_____________________________________

10 points. In paragraph 5, what does the author mean by the underlined phrase, "your Johnson in the other?"
  1. I think Johnson is slang for a tube of toothpaste
  2.  A sly reference to President Lyndon Baines Johnson.
  3. Was this really an SAT question?
  4. Do you think if I ask Hillary, she'd know?
  5. I'm a girl, I don't have a Johnson.
****************************************
****************************************

DID YOU KNOW...

The first French kiss took place October 15, 1772 between two French Canadians,  Jacques 'Le Tool' Baguette and Francoise "Half a Franc" Cuisine in Montreal, Canada. Thus the term, French Canadian kissing. This term was very quickly dropped and the shorter phrase, French kissing was soon adopted. Eyewitness accounts at the time say that Francoise thought about it afterwards and soon joined a nunnery. Two years later she established the first North American Order of the Sisters of the Immaculate Tongues.
EDITOR'S NOTE: For GSR's 2013 position paper on U.S. Canadian Relations see: http://www.goatsoupradio.com/2013/04/giant-us-canada-land-deal.html



Sunday, September 13, 2015

TRUMP APOLOGIZES FOR US-MEXICAN "BORDER WALL" MISCOMMUNICATION

During his recent news conference at the Trump Bayou Golf and Polo Club in Hey Abbott, Louisiana, Donald Trump used the time to set the record straight regarding his immigration policy.
Trump has a dream for 2016

"I never said that I would build such a long, high wall between the United States and Mexico. The Mexican people love me. The press obviously didn't hear me right. They're not very good listeners.What I said was that I would build a mall. A mall, not a wall.The largest, longest, most gorgeous shopping mall in the world. It would be perfectly situated between the United States and Mexico, straddling the entire length of the border, all 1,954 miles of it. How beautiful would that be? To have every imaginable high end retail store offering their goods and services to every immigrant, tourista and day tripper that would obviously find it necessary to make their way through the mall before entering the United States. The economic value would be just tremendous. And it would be a great humanitarian gesture. You know, in a recent poll of Noble Peace Prize winners, I was voted far and away their overwhelming choice for receiving next year's award."

"No more walks through the desert, no more desperate searching for a little bit to eat and drink, Instead, I would place a Trump Gourmet Food Court every mile within the mall, an L.L. Bean every two miles offering all those hard to get size 5.5 extra wide Vibram soled hiking boots and, of course, a diaper dressing station every 3,000 feet to take care of all the little ones. We certainly want their bottoms clean and fresh as they make their way through Trump National Mall before coming into the United States."

"And what happens once they are finished filling all their Nordstrom and Old Navy shopping bags with all the things that make Americans look and smell great? You know, I would not be the super rich bag of wind I am today if I didn't wear the right cologne and the most stylish penny loafers you can buy. What will all those well dressed immigrants need once they enter the United States? I'll tell you what. Otrumpcare! That's right, health insurance. We'll throw out Obamacare (by the way, have you ever seen a worse contract with the American people?) quicker than you can say trophy wife. No more living off the backs of the upper 2%. No more hoping everyone in your insurance pool stays healthy. We'll give them insurance so cheap, so simple, so all encompassing, it will their your head spin. Can you imagine the profit we'll make from all those cabeza spinatoris surgical procedures? Also, no more insurance cards to carry around. If you can name and describe in English the four C's of diamond quality standing on one leg butt naked in front of your doctor, you can not be refused treatment. And what does the "O" stand for in Otrumpcare? It stands for 'Oh, we'll become so rich.' You wait and see."
Donald Trump.
Let's bring pomposity back
to the White House.

"And then, let me tell you a little secret. After just two years in office, you won't be able to tell the difference between the US-Mexican border and the US-Canadian border. And speaking of Canada, one of my first deals in office will be to buy Montreal. I love French food, don't you? And it's quite simple. For the city of Montreal we'll give them Detroit, $26.4 billion dollars (American, not that weak Canadian coinage) and a small mountain range to be named later. It's an offer they can't refuse!"




Sunday, August 23, 2015

GETTING JEB OUT FROM UNDER THE BUSHES

A SPECIAL GSR POLITICAL EDITORIAL


We really like Jeb Bush. How could you not be smitten by a first name like Jeb or Arlo or TJ? In fact, with a name like that we're voting for him for president! True, his position on immigration, women's issues, education, tax reform, balancing the budget, gay marriage, abortion, climate change, fracking, the EPA, the future of Medicare and foreign policy are incredibly out of touch with reality. Still, We Like Jeb!

JEB HAS THE SPLEEN FOR 2016


However, like all politicians, there is always some black cloud following them around wherever they go. Hillary has the State Department emails. Marco Rubio looks and acts like our 13 year old cousin, Stymie. Governor Christie has Bridgegate and, come to think of it, New Jersey. And with no other way to say it, Trump has Trump and that ridiculous, "I build big, astronomically high rent apartment buildings so I'm fit to become the leader of the free world," BS.

Where does that leave our big bear of a brother, Jeb? No, it wasn't his "deer in the headlights" demeanor during the big debate on national television. No, it's not the fact that he couldn't find Tallahassee the first time he was elected governor of Florida. What's been keeping Jeb down is his last name, Bush. Trying to separate himself from that knucklehead of a younger brother, George is like trying to pull apart two slices of American cheese that have been sitting out all day on the hood of your pickup in the middle of July. You just can't do it!

So, in one of the most contentious editorial board meetings that GSR has ever had, our learned suggestion, nay, our solution to Jeb's problem is this. Change the name, Jeb. You can still keep the fake Navaho Indian belt buckle, the Walmart glasses, the buxom interns, the elevator shoes and the tired story of how you stopped your motorcade last month to allow a mother duck and her eight  little ducklings to cross the road unharmed, even though they carried a banner, "Ducks for Donald". Just change your last name.

Granted, the word bush is easy to pronounce, unless you've just had all your wisdom teeth pulled, and that anyone that owns or rents a home probably has a bush on their property. Most importantly for the polls, not many other candidates have a last name that rhymes with tush. However, sometimes you just have to let go. "Push the Bush" as our esteemed Maryland crab cake correspondent Esther Lester texted everyone around the table.

So, here it is Jeb. It's just a work in progress but by a vote of six to four with three abstentions for   not understanding the question, the editorial board of Goat Soup Radio would like you to change your last name to Nixon. All you have to do is have a news conference and say that you were on ancestry.com last night and found out that Pat Nixon once stayed (after all, it only takes one time so we hear) in the same Abilene, Texas Super 8 as your uncle,  Fester Bush. The press will eat it up!

Jeb. Together, let's put another Nixon
 in the White House.

Why Nixon? Who has the most name recognition of any 20th century president? Who ended the draft? Who founded the EPA? Who signed Title IX, ending female gender bias in college sports? Who supported Israel during the Yom Kippur War? Who lowered the voting age to 18? Who initiated the anti-ballistic missile treaty? Who opened diplomatic relations with Communist China? And the list goes on.

Jeb Nixon. He's the one.

Saturday, August 15, 2015

HILLARY'S SERVERS TAKE THE 5TH AND A COUPLE OF OTHERS. INVESTIGATION STYMIED

A bedtime story.

It's been a difficult couple of months for Hillary Clinton. Despite all the plans, the big donations and the palpable groundswell for a female president, her time as Secretary of State while using her personal email account for both private and State Department communications has created many questions as to whether confidential State Department information has been compromised.

Over 30,000 such emails have been handed over to investigators by Mrs. Clinton. However, federal investigators are still seeking more. Sources say sixteen stalwart sneaky cyber sleuths in the FBI and the State Department's Inspector General Office had been seeking access to Hillary's private servers to once and for all find out what she knew, who she talked to and over what lines of communication she did it on.

Esther Lester being taken to an  
undisclosed location. Is this the end of 
Pax Americana?
Finally, with warrants in hand, investigators entered the private compound of Hillary and Bill Clinton on August 7, 2015 in Chappaquiddick, New York and whisked away the entire serving staff. Namely; Elizabeth McGregor, 46, soup, appetizer and continuous napkin folder, Richard McDonald, 54, starch, veggie server and reluctant food taster and Esther Lester, 68, main course, dessert and lighter of disgusting after dinner cigars.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Yes we know they live in Chapaaqua, but who the hell can spell it? The spell check (we swear) only offered us Chappaquiddick. There's a strange moral here, somewhere. With the exception of spell check (after all, we're not animals), our policy is never to search the internet for information. If it wasn't in the required reading list for our high school equivalency diplomas, it doesn't exist. Never did, never will.

Our story continues.
Untouched were two upstairs maids, the butler of the foyer and (Bill's favorite) the lithesome but stern, Olga MacFarland, 25, drawer of baths, hander of warm towels and all around fun server to be with on a rainy afternoon with no speeches to give or slimy deals to be made.


"She don't know nothin', chief".
Taken to an undisclosed location behind Starbucks on 3rd and 59th in Manhattan, the three food servers were denied access to  lawyers, lunch and ladles. Then, failing to follow even the most basic of international laws against torture, dinner was served buffet style. Alas, this was almost too much for our little band of indentured servants to bear. Too many of their brothers and sisters had lost their food service jobs with that simple word, buffet (naturally, French in origin).

For 40 days and 40 nights, if you can believe Entertainment Tonight Jerusalem, the meanest, baddest, smelliest men in the FBI tried to get McGregor, McDonald and Lester to come up with the goods on the most honest, sincere, loyal, truly funny, hardest working,
Now that Hillary won't be wearing
orange anytime soon, VP Biden
considers whether to run for
 nomination.
warmhearted Democratic female contender for the presidential race, but they wouldn't budge. Taking the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th Amendments they were eventually let go.Thrown out of the back of a moving van on the Major Deegan Expressway, the three servants, bruised but not broken, made their way back to Chappaquiddick just in time for Sunday tea.


The end.

*********************************

SERVANT. A person of either sex who is in the service of a master or mistress; one who is under obligation to work for the benefit of a superior and to obey his (or her) commands.
c. 1386 Chaucer.  Prol. 101. A YEMAN hadde he and servantz namo. At that tyme, for hym liste ride soo;
trans.to Mod. English.  A YEOMAN had he at his side, No more servants, for he chose so to ride;

Monday, August 10, 2015

TRUMP OUTLINES FIRST DAYS IN WHITE HOUSE (IF ELECTED)

Perhaps he was getting ahead of himself, perhaps not. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump told the crowd at a fundraiser for tired and worn out Rolex watches that, if elected,  he would immediately "give the American people what they want and more. It would begin with my triumphant inauguration and continue throughout my years as president or until I own all of Manhattan and America's national parks, whichever comes first."


I.  Inauguration.  "Do you know how many people catch cold standing outside during a presidential inauguration? As my first act as president, I will keep the American people safe and healthy by having it at my private Caribbean Island, Trump Island. My plan is to keep it small, regal and humble. Only the first 300 super rich Americans that arrive on yachts no less than 400 feet in length or private jets (not the leased kind), will get to attend. As well, service will be provided by hard working, exploited minorities with clean police records and willing to work for the minimum. If they want to get paid more, let them buy an apartment building and become a landlord."

II. USGS. "And what the hell does the US Geological Survey do all day? I'll give them something to do. Are you aware how much undeveloped land there is right in Central Park in the middle of Manhattan? I say it's time to see what we've got there.We desperately need affordable housing for the upper, upper, upper middle class. I'd call it my Louisiana Purchase...and then I'd buy Louisiana."

III. Department of Education. "Here's another loser. Why spend four years in college when all you have to do is watch two seasons of "The Apprentice"?

IV. Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives. "Now you're talking. Real men (and real women) carry a firearm, smoke Cuban cigars and always have their limos stocked with the best imported French wines that you can't find at Costco.  These great Americans also know how to clear out a parcel of prime real estate with a single stick of dynamite faster than you can say 'eminent domain'. I think those people over there are doing a fine job"!

V. NASA.  I've been competing against the Chinese for years. And I've always won. I eat Chinese for breakfast and I can tell you they want the moon. So it's time to go back to the moon before the Chinese do. Only this time, in place of astronauts, I'll send up a half dozen real estate agents, a couple of  'Crater For Sale or Lease' signs and a few dozen freshly baked apple pies. If the Chinese want the moon they'll have to lease the damn thing from me. Sorry, I mean us."  


VI.  DTS.  I would immediately create the Department of Tycoon Security. People should know that 84% of all the wealth in this country is owned by 7% of the people in this country. I have always said that I will fight to protect minorities and this is just one example of my munificence."


"To serve and protect 
America's tycoons"



III. The White House.  "I already have six houses throughout the Western Hemisphere. What do I need another one for? Especially a fixer upper like the White House. I could keep Angie's List busy there for years. My plan on day one is to begin leasing it out as the Trump White House B & B. Whenever I'm in DC, I'll just pull  out a credenza over at the Treasury Department and stay there for the night filling my pockets. Who's going to stop me?"

IV.  The Pentagon. "This was a fine old building in it's day but that day has passed. I know how to empty out a building of tenants, level the land and put down a private, members only golf club with all the amenities you would expect from a rich, take no prisoners, misogynistic, egotistical, right wing, hair challenged, pompous, small wienered developer like myself."
"I've often said that the Pentagon needed more windows
with an adjacent 18 hole Trump Golf Course. Can you see
the top of the Washington Monument behind the 
newly renovated Pentagon, just behind my right ear?"


"Best, therefore, withhold any amazement at the strangely gallied whales before us, for there is no folly of the beasts of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." - Herman Melville. Moby Dick or The Whale.

Sunday, August 2, 2015

RNC HOSTS QUADRENNIAL PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES HUMAN PYRAMID

Over the years "The Pyramid" has become a cherished tradition in the Republican Party. Every August 1 of the previous year leading up to the national presidential election, all officially announced republican candidates come together on the shore of Lake Michigan outside of Chicago to create the Republican Presidential Candidates Human Pyramid. 


Bottom l to r: Lincoln, Douglas.
Top: Lester. Note: This is the 
only known color jpeg of  our
16th president.



It all began with the 1860 presidential election. It was the end of July 1859 when the three republican candidates (Abraham Lincoln, Stephen Douglas and Esther Lester) were asked by famed photographer Matthew Brady to come together for a group picture. Not wanting to show his height deficiency next to the tall and lanky Lincoln, Douglas suggested a human pyramid. At first Lincoln scoffed at the idea. But then, Esther Lester, the Great Compromiser and Kibbitzer of the Senate said that he/she would go through with the idea so long as everyone took off their stovepipe hats and removed any piercings that might detract the viewers' attention from the group as a whole. Lincoln soon agreed, removed his stovepipe hat and naval piercing (bought for him as a gift from his wife, Mary Todd) and the rest is history.

Over the years, candidates have come and gone but the quadrennial Republican Candidates Human Pyramid goes on. Critics claim that the event has lost much of its original appeal and that the proof in this is that it is hardly ever covered by the press anymore. However, Goat Soup Radio's political correspondent Red Potato made it to the shore on time and can actually be seen (second row, third from left) standing in as a replacement for Ted Cruz who, unfortunately, had to take a tinkle and missed getting back to the shoot by seconds.


Presenting the 2015 Republican Candidates for President.
Photo by Carly Fiorini. Matching swim trunks donated by
Donald Trump (3rd row bottom right). Top: Jeb Bush, oldest
candidate in group with his unfortunate hearing problem.


Historians specializing in the Republican Candidates Human Pyramid will have a hard time finding a more complex and difficult pyramid to top than this year's event. Although those that were there are sworn to secrecy, GSR has learned from sources deep within the Republican Party hierarchy that this year's pyramid took over four hours to build. GSR was told of three total collapses, seven partial collapses and six timeouts by Donald Trump who continually kept having to consult his hair stylist in the face of those brutal Lake Michigan midsummer winds.

Planning and rehearsal is everything when the eyes of America are on you. The day before the great event
Rehearsal the day before with volunteer stand-ins. Is 
there a future president here on their hands and knees?
field volunteers from every candidate met to rehearse their candidate's part. Problems arose when the single female republican candidate, Carly Fiorini, refused to wear just the black bottom trunks donated by Mr. Trump and settled for taking the famed picture you see above. 
"If you think I'm going to stand on top of Marco Rubio's shoulder's topless with my big honkers just blowing in the wind, all the while trying to balance Mike Huckabee on top of me, you're crazy", said Ms. Fiorini.



Around the world, across the seas and through the woods, people have now made August 1 Superhuman Pyramid Day. France made it a national holiday in 1987 although nobody knows why. Kazakhstan has every citizen turn out and be required to "go pyramid". In China it is rumored that one superhuman pyramid of 8,456,699 workers unexpectedly collapsed and took the Great Wall with it. However, China's official news agency said that no one was injured and the event led to 563,488 marriage proposals.


U.S. backed rebels in Iraq show their support for the
 Republican Human Pyramid. Note allied cell towers
in background.















Sunday, July 26, 2015

DAVID SEDARIS REPLIES

July 18, 2015
442 We're All So Gifted Court
East Hampton, New York  $$$$$


To The Author of Goat Soup Radio:

You are an idiot. Did you think composing that letter in my name would get you any closer to the kind of name recognition, untold riches and all those high fives that I always receive walking down Broadway?

Well, it was a cheap trick Mr. Goat Soup and it’s not leaving the station any time soon. All you’ve got left is a one way ticket to Deletesville and the zip code is UCANTWRITEFORSHIT!


Do you think knowing a little French or telling me some sob story about your anonymous, pathetic little family is going to get me to invite you over for a little Entenmann’s and hot chocolate? I haven’t spoken to my mother in 40 years. Why should I let some nasty, gnarly, neuron negative gnome into my house who thinks they can just place their fingertips over a keyboard and have something witty and useful run down their hairy arm from that puny brain stem of theirs? Truman Capote tried and he never got past my doorman.

It’s true, I do know Larry David. He’s a sweetheart. All you have to do is ask and he’s always willing to pull out his birth certificate and DNA mapping report. He knows who he is, do you? As an aside, you can see from Mr. David’s chromosome 12 that he was destined to wear glasses and tell lots of funny stories about his less gifted friends. You should be so genetically endowed.

So now let me say a few well placed, succinct, golden, mellifluous, melodious, rhythmic, well-pitched sentences about your work.

Yes, I am very proud of you for choosing the English alphabet to create your words and sentences. However, as my creative writing teacher Mrs. Mcgillicuddy used to say, just because you know the letters of the alphabet doesn’t mean diddly squat if all you have is the literary aptitude of chalk. Editors NoteMerriam Webster Dictionary. DIDDLY SQUAT. slang. the least amount. anything at all. 

I would suggest, in the clearest possible terms, that you forego writing and find something more in line with your abilities. Perhaps looking straight ahead or sitting in a chair? Remember your best mate (that’s Australian for friend) in the sixth grade, “Bad Maddy Waddy”? Well, Maddy moved to Maine and makes mashugina moose magnets. She’s found her lot in life. She’s happy in a downtrodden kind of way. Don't you want to be like Maddy?  Shouldn’t you move to northernmost Maine?

I will admit that some of your stories do have potential. Your awkward attempt poking fun of the highly admired “September is Brush Your Tongue Awareness Month” campaign did have its moments.  However, why pick on such a time honored and revered undertaking that is meant to save many innocent victims: those that are young or old, dating or just hooking up, those that gargle and those that freely choose not to. Why should anyone have to live with the embarrassing and sometimes deadly stigma of a wayward tongue with no possible hope of cure or redemption? 

Not that I am speaking from any personal experience here but it may just do you some good to use the web for something other than looking at meerkat porn. Why not spend some time reading about all the wonderful medical breakthroughs they’ve made at the David Sedaris Millennial’s Hospital for the Torn and Tattered Tongue? What they can do with cleaned up roadkill these days is just amazing!

So here’s to you, Goat Soup Radio (whoever you are). Go do something else and leave the humor and wit to those like myself who are truly gifted, young, firm and free.

Never yours, never will be,

David Sedaris

Thursday, June 4, 2015

AN OPEN LETTER TO DAVID SEDARIS

Dear David,

You are my last hope. For three years I have been writing humorous short stories on just about anything that piqued my interest. Hint: I always try to open a story with a few words of French origin. It definitely creates an air of grace and elegance, don’t you think? Feel free to use "oeuvre" whenever you want.

These sweet, beautiful pieces of my soul have been dutifully presented in a blog that I created, goatsoupradio.com. My goal is simple; to one day run my own small engine maintenance and repair shop. However, with no followers, comments, emails or tweets, it has become a very lonely existence. My wife and my children go about their day and no one recognizes them. For myself, I could live like this but it’s become increasingly difficult. Sammy, the family dog was once happy and carefree. Now, 14 years old, with all of her shots, she just doesn’t seem to care.

Goat Soup Radio was going to be our ticket to Bedford Falls, our magic carpet ride, our personal invite to sit down with Al Roker. For so long now, every time the phone would ring we thought it was you. Well, maybe not you but someone that at least looked like you.

As an aside, I am sure you are a fan of Larry David as much as I am. Every time he squints his eyes I just crack up. Anyway, rumors have been spreading fast in Minsk that when Larry was born the hospital accidentally switched his first and last names. Wouldn't it be something if your real name was actually Sedaris David?

Did I ever ask for anything in return when President Nixon took my advice to form an exploratory committee for a possible 2016 run for the presidency? Or when Idaho, innocently enough, failed to re-up their statehood as directed by the Constitution every 38 years and thus reverted back to a territory? And did I quibble when Spain, looking to become a powerhouse in international law, trade and finance acted on my suggestion and changed its name to Spain, Spain and Spain? Was I secretly hoping for an all expenses paid three night stay at the Barcelona Courtyard Marriott? Not at all.

Or when my evil neighbor, Esther Lester, stole my idea for renting out people's bathtubs as an inexpensive overnight stay for those seeking cheap out of town accommodations? Thus turning Tub Bud into the online juggernaut that it is today? David, didn't you wish that you had bought some of those shares at $34.00 during its first day of trading?

Where is the justice? Tell me, where does it say that I must walk this earth, head bowed, unrecognized, wearing my brother-in-law's hand-me-down pants (yes, I do sometimes get carried away with hyphens but wouldn’t you do the same in my position?). I pause.

David and The True and Mysterious Author
in better times.
David, take me out of the darkness and bring me into the lightness. Do this for me.

Please note the two attachments. The first is a rock solid nondisclosure form prohibiting the use of any part or parts of Goat Soup Radio without the express written consent of me and my solicitor. The second is a blank form letter where you can give me your address and phone number (I just hate texting), the names of your agent and editor and the best time to reach you. I am not a young person so please contact me post-haste. 

Yours, Very Much Alone,

The True And Mysterious Author Of Goat Soup Radio




Friday, May 22, 2015

CLINTON KEEPS LOW PROFILE CAMPAIGN IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

Takes morning waitressing job at Lulu’s Coffee Shop in Nashua for duration of state primary race.

Continuing her pledge to represent the common men and women of this country, Hillary Clinton has put away the Brooks Brothers pinstriped three button suit and the Stuart Weitzman Power Dress Pumps for a Sears exclusive Tina Fey Collection shirt and slacks, a pair of Easy Spirit Mary Janes (size 11, who knew?) and a three pocket black apron. Beginning her shift at 5:00 AM she has been greeting the local farmhands, truckers and early risers with a big smile, a hot pot of Lulu’s famous dark brewed coffee and a handwritten "Vote for Hillary and I'll Forgo My Tip" paper napkin.




“As a globe-trotting Secretary of State you spend a lot of time in coffee shops," said Mrs. Clinton. "I've always found that the waitress, whether in Beirut, Ho Chi Minh City or Johannesburg, always has the ear of the customer. Particularly when it comes down to a choice of either the pot roast with whipped mashed potatoes or the cobb salad with grilled shrimp. On a personal note, I am proud to say that when I was Secretary of State I submitted more Yelp reviews on coffee shops throughout the world than any other federal employee in the Obama administration.”

Leftists love Lulu's liver.


Standing against a wall in the back alley behind Lulu's, Mrs. Clinton took her five minute mid-morning break. With one last drag of her Virginia Slims cigarette, she flicked it to the ground and continued. "I've spent thousands of dollars listening to consultants how best to connect with Mr. and Mrs. John Q. Pubic. Waitressing is the best way that I've found so far. Nothing works better to keep the conversation going than handing over a clean menu, keeping the ketchup bottles full and bending over the table just enough to throw a hint of cleavage the customer's way. Besides, what's more American than being served a piping hot stack of blueberry pancakes, talking politics and a husband that did not have sexual relations with that woman? "


Republican hopefuls have taken notice. Next week, Marco Rubio will be towel drying cars Monday through Thursday (never a charge for car mats ) at Elsie's Suds City in Exeter, New Hampshire. Texas Senator Ted Cruz plans to be behind the counter at Roy's Smoked Pig Emporium, while Governor Christie, with his intimate knowledge of bridges and highways, has landed a job with the Town of Nashua's roadkill pickup crew ("you squash 'em, we wash 'em").

Ted Cruz lets Carly Fiorina know that they're 
hiring at Dick's Garden Nursery.

Unfortunately, it hasn't been smooth sailing for former Florida Governor, Jeb Bush. Looking to show himself to be a man of the people and score some deep discounts as well, Mr. Bush applied to every store in the Lake Winnipesaukee Outlet Mall but never got a call back. Although deeply disappointed, Jeb hasn't given up looking. With the help of the Bush Library he is rumored to be rewriting his resume and working on making eye contact. He's also asked his mother to drive him around to more stores this time and it's hoped that this will help.

Namaste

Friday, May 15, 2015

COLORADO COUPLE CONVINCES CONGRESSIONAL COMMITTEE CARROTS CAN COPY COMPASSES

Mr. and Mrs. Hey Abbott of Are We Glad They Passed That Marijuana Law, Colorado testified Tuesday before the Senate Subs and Hoagies Appropriations Committee. Although normally held behind closed doors and in front of open windows, an exception was made for this day's testimony. In a bow to the 21st century, the influence of social media and millennials (most of whom are a-holes and haven't read another book since "Goodnight Moon") the Committee allowed the meeting to be heard on any electronic device including but not limited to smartphones, smart TVs and smart toilets.

Editor's Note: We love smart toilets. Especially when you have to get to a meeting real fast. However, some brands have been known to automatically flush too quickly when you begin to stand up and you have to wipe yourself all over again. Back to Shark Tank with that one!

Our story continues.
Testifying under oath and probably under the influence as well, Mr. Abbott began his brief but enlightening testimony taking the Committee back to his farm in 1995. It was here that Mr. Abbott first began growing vegetables, saving some for his family and selling the rest at a roadside stand that he bought for $250 after selling all of his wife's shoes.

"It was the carrots," Mr. Abbott said."Every few hours at my vegetable stand I would have to keep rearranging the carrots. I never had that problem with the peppers or the kale. Wherever I put those guys, that's where they'd stay. Then, one day just before closing a man pulled up in his pickup truck asking for directions to Tina's Roadkill Bar-B-Que Pit. Well, I had just been there the week before. Me and Mrs. Abbott had shared the One Week Old Armadillo Roadkill Tuesday Special. So I just pointed north in the direction of Tina's and told him to try the rancid but piquant squirrel tail appetizer. Well, he looked at me and said, 'Thanks friend, same direction as the carrots are pointing, I suppose'.

Homeless? Rudderless? Lostless? Make
a carrot your friend and a confusing
map will become nothing but Pam
spelled backwards.


So I look down at the carrots and sure enough there they were, all pointing in the exact same direction I was. And then it hit me. A carrot is nature's compass. And I thought to myself, down through history all those brave explorers just needed to bring a carrot with them. No need for some special guide or fancy map. Lewis and Clark didn't need Sacajawea. Magellan didn't need Google Earth. The Three Stooges didn't need Moe. Dorothy didn't need the yellow brick road and certainly, Columbus didn't need Ohio."

"I started to watch them very carefully", Mr. Abbott continued. "Slowly, very slowly they would always move themselves into a north-south alignment. That's when I realized what the second half of the 21st century would be like. It would be the carrot telling us where to go, where we've been and how to get away from there. No more asking for directions, maps or GPS units. Just go with your own deeply felt wanderlust, your favorite Hot Pockets and your carrot!



video
Ford has begun to equip all of their 2016 cars with
    Carrot Positioning Sensors. Note patented Goat Soup
  Radio Carrot Coupling Rear-View Mirror Attacher. 
Available in silver, gold and cute little baby seal fur.


FDA BLACKBOX WARNING: 

1.  The carrot in your carrot positioning sensor must be replaced every six months or after 23 nibbles, whichever comes first. Failure to do so may result in car rot, you rot and (if you have kids) tot rot.

2.  Substitutions for carrots such as rolling pins, dildos, cucumbers or used toilet plungers - even with the aid of your favorite lubricant - may result in that dreaded of all maladies, personas disorientes so lostus. A disease so bloody and rare it had to be sent back to the kitchen, so quick it wasn't worth getting back into bed for, so rapacious we had to look up what the word meant, so feared it required its own Affordable Care Act. 

3.  Despite the misguided meshugana musings and malaprops of the California Carrot Cooking Council, carrots are both a good source of vitamins A, B, D and E as well a wonderful source for the four cardinal directions: North, South, East and West. And that's all we've got to say about that.





Sunday, April 19, 2015

TURN YOUR CAR INTO A GAS EFFICIENT HYBRID.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

DRIVE AN AVERAGE 145 MORE MILES ON A TANK OF GAS.

EASY TO INSTALL, EASIER TO SCREW UP

ALL FOR ONLY FIVE EASY MONTHLY PAYMENTS OF $29.99.


The People's Machine Factory #52 (see GSR  April 6, 2013 for more on this Chinese industrial juggernaut) of Huang Hey Province is pleased to announce that its first shipment of Easy Gas Hybrid Car Converter Kits is now for sale in the United States of America! The kits are available for most model cars including Ford, GM, Chrysler, BMW and Dodge. Once Japan agrees to the People's Republic of China's claim that Kibashi Island in the South China Sea is a Chinese protectorate, kits will  be made available for Nissan, Honda, Toyota and Subaru.

People's Machine Factory #52.
Voted "Best Factory to Work In"
five times by People Proletariat Magazine.

Are you pumping gas more than you're pumping your friends for money? Do you keep looking under your car to see if the gas tank is leaking? Does taking the bus to work seem to be a more viable option? Are you getting tired of looking at all those Prius owners with their smug, phony smiles, little rat-ass dogs and L. L. Bean distressed tofu flip flops?
Ruby Begonia installed her kit and hasn't
 needed a gas station (except to pee)
in three weeks.

Something like this hasn't made it here over from China since the first Relco 30 quart deluxe turkey fryer. True, one of the early models was described by the Nuclear Regulatory Commission as more dangerous than a runaway nuclear meltdown but those fryers were quickly recalled and every affected family was safely relocated.

But you don't have to worry about that. The People's Machine Factory #52 has been making and supplying over 98% of all the world's balloons without a single industrial accident of biblical proportion in over seven years. We've even managed to increase our worker burn-out replacement time from an average 42 minutes to a whopping 49 minutes! Further, every one of our workers has received at least 16 minutes of retraining once we converted our 2,600,000 square foot factory (special thanks to the 1.2 million displaced peasants) from balloon production to our newest attempt to become super rich, our Easy Gas Hybrid Converter Kits. Fat chance of finding any balloons next year for your grandmother's 75th birthday.

"I made sure all of the balloons were
bulletproof. Now I make watchamacallits."

Our Easy Gas Hybrid Car Converter Kit is the simplest and most economical way to convert your gas guzzling, exhaust polluting, incredibly loud sounding, 1970's transportation debacle into a tool for the millennium to come. Particularly so once the People's Republic of China owns you, your house, the company you work for and every other American asset east and west of the Mississippi. Our kits are easy to install and come with our complete step-by-step instructions in Mandarin, Cantonese and just about passable English. Coming soon in Norwegian! If you've ever put together a Large Hadron Collider in a single afternoon, this should be a piece of cake.

With the Easy Gas Hybrid Car Kit there's no drilling involved. In fact, there's no screwing, cuckoldry, copulation, coitus, cuddling, intercourse, fondling, foreplay or sexual congress needed at all! Everything is included in your kit. You even get a heavy-duty tourniquet for when you invariably slice off a couple of fingers trying to install our under the hood stainless steel watchamacallit.

You may ask yourself, "Ta shi ruhe gonzuo de?" The Easy Gas Hybrid Car Kit works by taking advantage of the great Ming dynasty philosopher and physicist, Li Ziyang's third law of physics: for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Although it is forbidden by ancient Chinese custom to show an illustration of our product before you purchase one, be assured that when the People's Machine Factory #52 makes a product, we stand behind that product 100%! When's the best time to call customer service? Any third Thursday of the month around 4:00 AM as soon as you become fluent in Chinese.

All the neighbors will want to see
your new gas saving hybrid.


Remember, whether you drive two hours each way to work or just down the block to your local 7-Eleven to pick up your favorite Hot Pockets, once you're driving with your Easy Gas Hybrid Car Kit installed, you'll hardly need a gas station again. Unless, of course, you're like our friend Ruby Begonia who just can't hold her beer.


Sunday, April 12, 2015

ZEUS TO ATTEND EUROPEAN UNION TALKS ON SOURING GREEK ECONOMY

Mount Olympus announced today that Zeus, 8,347, will be directly participating in the round table discussions between the Greek government and the 17 members of the European Union in an effort to reach an agreement over Greece's economic situation.

In an exclusive interview, Esther Lester, GSR's Other Worldly Correspondent levitated with the Olympian deity Apollo to ask his opinion of the new Greek initiative. Mr. Apollo, whose resume includes god of music, art, poetry, plague, healing, manly beauty and archery began with the usual boilerplate Mount Olympus disclaimer: "First, let me say that the opinions I will express here today are solely mine and do not represent the opinion of any other gods and goddesses, mythological three headed beasts, one-eyed man-eating giants or that loud mouth Achilles. Ever since Brad Pitt played him in that movie Troy, he hasn't shut up. Although Angelina is one mortal I wouldn't mind taking to one of Dionysus's toga parties."

"Truly, do they think we have no purpose or influence over mere mortals anymore? Do they think Mount Olympus is some retirement village for those over 400 feet tall? Some place where outdated, out of touch immortals play shuffleboard all day and sit around talking about their inflamed gums? Look at global warming. Do they really think that global warming came from a bunch of weak, petty mortals, present company excluded, with their coal fired fuel plants and their gas guzzling VW Rabbits? Let me tell you. It's getting hot down below because we like it that way. And in a couple of hundred years, if we so choose, we'll cool it down again. Variety is the spice of immortal life, wouldn't you say?"
E.U. representatives after
vetoing Zeus's proposal to
forgive Greece's monetary debt.

Zeus, king of all the gods, is last known to have made the trip to terra firma in 1978 when he was asked to mediate a dispute between of George's Diner and the Parkway Diner when Anna Lakteris, a waitress at George's, fell in love with a waiter at the Parkway, quit her job and began working there. Harsh words were uttered after Frank Petrogalis, co-owner of the Parkway with his brother-in-law Mikos refused to send Anna back to George's Diner. The incident soon became an epic battle of mythological proportions when George, owner of George's, marched his entire staff over to the Parkway during the Friday night dinner hour, sat them down at the counter and ordered 37 split pea soups, moussakas, and small Greek salads to go. Then first blood was spilled when rumor spread that the Parkway used farm raised anchovies in all their salads.
Zeus can sit wherever he wants.



It was now a war of attrition, suspicion, sedition and bad nutrition. Clearly if something wasn't done New Jersey would be headed back to the Dark Ages of Philly cheese steaks and lobster thermidor. Was George's Famous Diner (distantly related to but not on speaking terms with) on Neptune Avenue in Brooklyn next? Would this be the end of those small little paper cups of coleslaw on the side? Would Western civilization never again be offered four day old butter cookies as they paid their bill?

The innocent people of northern New Jersey began to suffer while those on Mount Olympus found that takeout delivery times were becoming outrageous. They all called on Zeus and his mighty wisdom.
"Can't I ever get my oil and vinegar
on the side?" - Zeus

This isn't the Iliad I'm writing here, so let's just say this. Zeus makes his appearance, throws down a few lightning bolts, turns a few prep cooks into frogs, badda bing, badda boom, he makes the peace. Anna goes back to George's and gets herself a nice little summer house on Long Beach Island and the Parkway Dinner gets sole control over the souvlaki cartel for all of northern New Jersey down to and including exit 8 of the Turnpike for the next 236 years. End of story.

Preparations are now underway to accommodate Great Zeus and his expected entourage of gods and goddesses, nymphs (lots of nymphs), one-eyed human-eating giants and pet Minotaur. The top two floors of the King Midas hotel, two miles of air space above, and all the earth below the hotel down to Hades have been reserved. Complimentary river rides on the River Styx for all representatives of the European Union are being planned. Sources tell GSR that a chair large enough to sit Zeus will be delivered Saturday from Ikea although the estimated time to put the chair together is 286 years.

Sunday, March 22, 2015

GSR INVESTIGATIVE REPORT: THE SECRET YOU NEED TO KNOW TO BECOME A MILLIONAIRE

There are books, podcasts, fortune cookies, even dead people. All telling you how that neighbor of yours down the block became a millionaire and how you can become one too. And except for his rotten kids and bad breath, wouldn't you like to be just like him?

Do you say to yourself "Why him? He's got no personality, no brains. Yet there he is drinking pina coladas, always going out to Friendly's for his Reese's Peanut Buttercup Sundae and walking around with his butt crack wide open for all the world to see and just not seeming to care."

Lucky for you, you're a Goat Soup Radio listener. Because GSR's top (and only) investigative reporter, Esther Lester, has done all the investigating and reporting for you. By breaking and entering the homes of millionaires throughout the greater Phoenix area, Mr. Lester has discovered through carbon dating, phone tapping and the occasional theft of certain plaid undergarments, the secret to becoming a millionaire. Her/His conclusions? You don't need to be born into it, or discover a cure for nasal hair or create the 10,456th Internet dating site. Claiming to be Andrew Carnegie's great-great-great-granddaughter did work once but it turned out to actually be his great-great-great-granddaughter. So that's taken.

When we finally managed to track down Esther at the Wishing Well Motel with two of our community college interns, what did she/he tell us that all of these self made millionaires have in common? What's their secret? Just three words, my friends: franks and beans. What do franks and beans have to do with becoming a millionaire? Everything. Imagine this. Instead of plunking down $6.25 for pizza and a drink, you go home and have a heaping plate of franks and beans, all for around $1.22.  You then take the amount now saved ($5.03, we think) and buy .003 ounces of gold. Each and every time you substitute franks and beans for your meal (breakfast, lunch or dinner) you take the amount saved and "go for the gold". Just 10 years of this and you could buy your own micro brewery. Make the full commitment for the next 20 years and you'll have so much money socked away you'll be able to sell that piece of junk you're driving and move up to a pre-certified used car!
It's never too early to begin investing in
your future.

How much can you retire with? Let's run the numbers. According to the National Institute of Family Foursomes, the average American family of four, in a typical week (including Arbor Day), consumes 152 chicken nuggets, 47 chocolate chip cookies, 56 Hot Pockets and one tomato. This all coming in at a whopping $182.78. Now, let's look at what's going to put you into that gated community you've always dreamed about:


  1. Average number of hot dogs needed to feed a family of four on a weekly basis: 65
  2. Average number of buns required per week: 74. Note: nine additional buns needed due to the rare but dreaded Blastomycosis Blackened Bun Barrage disease
  3. Average number of pounds of baked beans needed to feed a family of four for a week (provided you get every bean that's sticking to the side of the can out): 43
  4. Average time it takes to open a can of beans while only cutting one finger off: 7.5 seconds
  5. Average cost to feed a family of four on franks and beans for one week: $44.45
Using the mathematical operation called subtraction (also called minus, less, difference, decrease, take away, or deduct, for those yet to obtain their GED) the amount saved is $182.78 - $44.45. Which we're pretty sure comes to $138.33! In one week!

And that's not all. The average family of four will therefore save nearly $745,000 in just 94 weeks! Think of it. No more having to answer the phone pretending it's a wrong number. Go ahead. Answer the phone and feel free to order as many ant farms as you want.

******************************************

Here's what a few of our "franks and beans millionaire neighbors" had to say:

"I'm a believer. I've been eating franks and beans every meal for two years now and have saved over $459! Unfortunately, my wife smokes, and with all my farting the house blew up just last week. We love you guys."  - Gary Smithereens. Burn Unit. No Such Luck Memorial Hospital. Coral Gables, FL

"With GSR's no hassle way to become a millionaire, my wife and I are now retired and living the good life." - Ben and Jerry Spinklestein. Sauerkraut Hills, CA

"My dad's been making  me eat franks and beans ever since I was born. It sucks. In fact, you suck Goat Soup Radio. I want a cheeseburger." - Little Tommy Pinto, age 8. Mustard Packet, MT


"Frankly I was skeptical. And at first, I didn't relish all those franks and beans. But, my buns really hurt from sitting on the floor because we couldn't afford furniture. Bean there, bun that. I gave it a try and I'm really glad I did. - Wally Weiner. Frankfurt, Germany
******************************************
"I made my millions and so can you."
 - Tomichi Murayama. Osaga, Japan

So feel free to use our tried and true method. And unlike any other investment strategy out there, we guarantee success or failure, which ever comes first.

FDA BLACK BOX WARNING: Substituting the required baked beans with french fries will result in hypofarturemia, thus creating a significant loss of buoyancy when taking a bath. If this occurs, both the Surgeon General and the Orthopedic Lieutenant recommend having a frank talk with your loved ones concerning the four P's of advanced hypofarturemia:
  1. Your penchant for pigs in a blanket 
  2. Your preference for sauerkraut over fried onions
  3. Your pontificating on how to get mustard stains out of  bedroom linen
  4. Your pending demise