Monday, December 30, 2013

TITANIC TOWED TO PORT - WHERE'D EVERYONE GO?



After many days of speculation, the R.M.S. Titanic finally completed its maiden voyage. Docking just 101 years, 8 months, 12 days, 4 hours and 27 minutes late, the R.M.S. Titanic, unfortunately, caused some of the passengers to miss their connecting flights. Having a bit of bad luck on it's maiden voyage, stranded in the North Atlantic, the ship was finally brought into New York harbor. Rumors had it that food (mostly sushi and free range halibut) and water (although rather salty) was abundant, especially during El Nino. Elevators had stopped functioning trapping minor character actors working for scale. And by the end of the cruise everyone was pretty bored with the rock climbing wall and duty free stores. Mrs. Juniper Beaglestock of Leeds won at bingo 4,356 times while assistant chef Mike "grab that goose" Pate made over 9,250 ice carvings of the Virgin Islands, carefully showing the locations of all 12 Starbucks.

Those that drove down to the dock waiting to pick up passengers definitely should have called ahead first. It was here that the expression "long term parking" originated. However, amid high expectations to meet and greet the passengers and crew with a hot meal and a level floor, it was not to be. In what has become a mystery to all, there was no one on board.
Reenactment of Titanic preparing to dock.
See damaged smokestack starboard.
Photo courtesy Sony Pictures.

In for repairs. Note the unexplained
absence of crew and passengers.
Photo courtesy Samsung Pictures.













"We did everything we could to bring the ship up from the sea floor as quickly as possible," said Captain Richard Phillips of the salvage ship, You Blow It, We Tow It. "Once we had the ship properly tied up, seven teams of nurses, doctors and makeup artists went on board while others set up a hot soup line offering chicken noodle soup, Manhattan clam chowder and my favorite, broccoli cheese."

"When no one from the Titanic came up to B deck," continued Captain Phillips, "Where we had stationed our crew, a search began, but to no avail. We figured they might have been out on one of the many exciting off ship excursions the Titanic offers such as our popular four hour iceberg watching cruise (lunch included). However, two hours later, the soup was getting cold and still no one showed. We even offered a free root canal procedure performed by Beverly, the newest member to our Babes On Broadway Review.

Believing that perhaps all on board were rather shy and a little embarrassed for not telegraphing in over 100 years, the Titanic was brought into the harbor. 3,000 Rent-A-Maids were sent on board to clean up the mess brought about by 100 years at sea, 2 miles below the surface and twenty two straight days of James Cameron's incessant wind machines and overhead water sprinklers going 24/7.

"It was devastating," said Milt Hilt, steamship company spokesperson, "we couldn't salvage a single dish. What were they thinking? And what about all those broken doors and door locks we found below deck? Needless to say, Mr. DiCaprio won't be asked back for Titanic II, Hawaiian Vacation."

Monday, December 23, 2013

DETROIT GOES PINK

While seeing green I'm just a driving machine.
When the hue is yellow, I'm moving, oh, so mellow.
With red it's stop, or face a cop.
But look, here's pink. Let's go have a drink.
               - Wilma Whizbang, My Mommy is a Good Driver (2009)


Detroit, Canada's newest city (see international land deal) is fast becoming a very happy place. The Detroit City Council (not to be confused with the Detroit City Annihilators, famed female roller derby team) in an effort to make the city more friendly has added a fourth colored light, pink, to all of its traffic lights. The pink light is being phased in over the next six months. For now, drivers in Detroit can either treat the pink light as red or, begin right away to follow the new law and use those four pink seconds to open their window, stick out their hand and smile and wave "hello" to anyone or anything they see. Once the four seconds pass, the light will turn green and the driver may continue on his or her way.

"Don't Stink, Use The Pink"
Intersection of  Loosey and Goosey Aves.

"We had to do something," said Councilperson Esther Lester. "With our financial woes and now having to speak French ever since becoming Canadian, we needed to change the "De" in Detroit to a "We" in Detroit. Mandating the simple pleasantry of saying hello to the person driving next to you was, we feel, a step in the right direction. Getting out of the car and singing acapella would have been preferable, but this is Detroit after all. Of course, when the temperature drops below -12 degrees, all you need to do is honk twice and give the "thumbs up".

Ruby Begonia knows the law. "Morning, neighbor!"


Colby, Georgia first began adding pink back in 2005. There, they had the opposite problem. Everyone was so courteous, always waving hello and stopping to chat that nothing was ever getting done in the town. To even things out, the pink light law was enacted to use that time for convivial demonstrations and therefore get all Colbians (as they call themselves) back to business uninterrupted. It was such a success that now, each time someone comes to a stop sign in Colby they either have to get out of their car and rotate the tires of the driver's car behind them or swear off sex and alcohol and join a nunnery.

Who says you can't legislate happiness?





Monday, December 16, 2013

BABY BOOMER MAKES DEATH BED CONFESSION: "I WAS NEVER AT WOODSTOCK"

 As sure as an ice cold beer is America's favorite drink, it has been held up as the holy gospel that the entire "Baby Boomer" generation, all 76,456,399 of them, attended the Woodstock Music and Art Fair in the summer of 1969 in Bethel, New York. Or so they have always said. This event has been recognized as the most famous and, without a doubt, the largest music festival ever. 
 76,456,399 Strong




Every member of the baby boomer generation, defined as those having been born between 1946 and 1964 (and according to U.S. census figures totaled 76,456,399) has mentioned at least once every 5 years, ad nauseam, that they attended the festival. This figure, however, does not include those that attended the festival as a fetus, those that were conceived at the festival and the 987,456 individuals that have said that they were born on the festival grounds during the three day event. Final decision regarding the 14,298 people that say they hitched a ride to the Festival in Jerry Garcia's limousine is still pending.

To hear that just one baby boomer has recanted  his whereabouts for that summer has clearly brought much pain, doubt and pangs of introspection to these 76,456,399 individuals. GSR spoke to Phil Pill, Professor of Sociology and Lousy Fake Names at the College of New Kitty Litter. "The baby boomer generation, forged during the Vietnam War, Tricky Dick's presidency and Laugh In, have suddenly been shown  to be just another generation thinking that they're better than any other. This generation won't be walking the walk anytime soon. In fact, in a few short years they will all end up needing hip replacements."


Sources tell GSR that Leonard Arrow, 63, of Arlington, Virginia reportedly made a "death bed" confession that he did not attend the Festival. Reports say that with his very last breath, surrounded by friends and family, the 63 year old long time environmental activist told the group that he was never there. First taken as the confused mutterings of a sick man, it soon became apparent that Mr. Arrow appeared to be well aware of what he was saying and that, perhaps, he was telling the truth. However, this incredible statement, flying in the face of conventional wisdom, common sense and a Happy Hour with all the hot wings you can eat, demanded explanation.


"Just a moment. Maybe I
only saw the movie."

Only known picture of Mr. Arrow, taken
8/16/1969, 600 miles from Woodstock.












Word spread like tupelo honey on a toasted English muffin. Soon, the Truth in Who Was at Woodstock Committee took notice. Necks craned, ears wagged and heads rolled when Michael Fay, Chairman of the Committee read the following statement:

"One of our brothers has come forward stating that he was not at the Festival. For years, the baby boomer generation has stood united,  and the glue that has kept us together has been our presence at Woodstock. As for Mr. Arrow, a man who decided to go in a different direction that August weekend in 1969, we can only say, peace and safe journey. We are still 76,456,398 strong, most of us still having our ticket stubs somewhere. And, as we would all swear on a stack of bibles, it was there where we first got high, lost our virginity, stayed for the last day and helped clean up afterwards. God bless all of you."


in memoriam
lenny arrow

Monday, December 9, 2013

NASA RELEASES PICS OF FIRST KNOWN EXOBANANA

************************************
Planet. A large, round object in space that travels around a star such as the sun. (Source: Merriam-Webster Dictionary)

Exoplanet. An exoplanet, or extrasolar planet, is a planet outside of our solar system. (Source: NASA)

Exobanana. An exobanana, or extrasolar banana is a banana outside of our solar system. (Source: my brother after staying up two straight nights drinking nothing but margaritas and the occasional Coors.)
************************************


Exobanana NOT/RIPE124. Photo
courtesy Miguel's Family Bodega.
Same image as left with
color enhancement.











Pictures taken from the Hubble Space Telescope have revealed for the first time the existence of an exobanana. Long hypothesized by Einstein's arch rival, Professor Frederick Shmedrick of the Jet and Giant Propulsion Laboratory, the exobanana appears to be hurtling towards the very center of the Extra Large Smoothie Galaxy.
"I knew it  had to be there," said Professor Shmedrick. "And that poor Einstein was always insistent on exopeaches. Was fur ein Loch im Kopf, that Albert was. Also, where would he be today if I didn't tell him to square the speed of light in that funny little equation of his?"
EDITORS NOTE: For those of you that unfortunately took Spanish in high school instead of German, Professor Shmedrick called Einstein a "hole in the head'". At least that's what Google Translate says.

The exobanana, technically designated NOT/RIPE124, is being hailed as this century's first great scientific discovery. To confirm the sighting, DNA testing will need to be done and NASA has authorized the retrofitting of a Saturn V rocket into one big intergalactic cotton swab missile (ICSM). Estimated arrival on NOT/RIPE124 is for the fall of 2032. Originally, plans were set to land in the spring of that year, however, arriving in the fall when the leaves are just turning color seemed like a nicer idea.
The ICSM ready for takeoff.
America's hope.


As a public cervix, GSR has listed here why this discovery is so important.
  1. The extraterrestrial mining rights to all that banana could be worth billions of dollars.
  2. Put to rest the notion of which came first, the chicken, the egg or the banana.
  3. Solve the earth's scarcity of banana bread due to global warming and always losing the recipe.
  4. Colonize NOT/RIPE124 once we figure out how to stop slipping on all that banana peel.
  5. Search for any Bananalings and buy them a drink.
  6. Once on the exobanana, to search for the most elusive particle in the universe, the banana seed. 

Captain Reddy.
America's finest.
Commanding the ICSM will be Captain R.U. Reddy. This will be Captain Reddy's second mission. In 2001, Captain Reddy successfully piloted the Amazon 12 Space Station directly through the Don't Drop The Soap Meteor Shower. "It was a bit uncomfortable in there for a while," said Captain Reddy. "Working with a crew of eight in that tiny little shower, you can't help but rub up against someone. But, as thy say, no means no. I might also add that it was all agreed that Chief Navigator Wendy Bendy was in top physical shape and certainly knew her way around the shower."

In other news, The People's Republic of China announced today that they had discovered the first exo-moo-goo-gai-pan. Nobody thought that was funny.

Monday, December 2, 2013

GOOGLE ROLLS OUT GOOGLE NOSE FOR THE HOLIDAYS

Google Nose with pop up
Sniffer Sifter
It's rumored that Google Nose almost never came to be. When Google engineer Ned Shed first presented his idea it was met with incredulity and derision. Quickly dubbed Ned's Nose Dive, he was left to toil over his idea in his off hours, mostly on the pot.

************************



WHAT CAN GOOGLE NOSE DO FOR YOU?
  • GIVE YOU THE COMBINED SENSE OF SMELL OF SIX SMALL, SHY, SLEEPY SHREWS. 
  • PROTECT YOUR UPPER LIP FROM INCLEMENT WEATHER.
  • FLARE YOUR RIGHT NOSTRIL AND TAKE A 3D PICTURE.
  • FLARE YOUR LEFT NOSTRIL AND TURN ON YOUR DISHWASHER.
  • CREATE AMAZING ECHO EFFECTS EVERY TIME YOU SNEEZE.
  • TAKE IT WITH YOU TO BED AND NEVER SNORE AGAIN.
  • GIVES ANOSMIA A BAD NAME.
  • WEAR IT UPSIDE DOWN AND COLLECT DRINKING WATER.
  • WEAR IT IN THE CAR DRIVING THROUGH  A TOLL BOOTH AND NOT BE DETECTED. SORRY, OPTION ONLY AVAILABLE IN DETROIT AT THIS TIME.
  • PREDICT LOCAL AND NATIONAL SEISMOLOGIC ACTIVITY WITH 96% ACCURACY.
  • TAP IT TWICE AND LOSE INCHES OFF YOUR WAIST.
************************************


 "Google Glass was just a synthesis of traditional glasses and a computer," Dr. Ned Shed said. "My Google Nose is a true leap forward. Long before we developed eyes our ancestors were crawling around in the mud smelling everything in nose shot. Our noses were the windows to the world. It's only since the Industrial Revolution with its air pollution, take out restaurants and nose plugs that the nose has been relegated to such a lowly position. 
Initially, it was tough going. There was always a lot of static and interference. Then, one day, with nothing left to lose, we depilated every nasal hair we could grab. That solved the problem and today Google Nose is outselling Google Pinky Toe 10 to 1."


Available in red, yellow, clear and blue.
Google Nose green available March 1.
Deeply committed couples
particularly find it useful.











 Here is what some have to say about Google Nose.

"I use it whenever I'm at the mall and get a little hungry. With Google Nose I don't need to go walking around looking for a place to eat. One whiff, and unless I'm downwind of someone that hasn't showered in a week, I know just where to go eat. I kind of let my nose do the walking." Nadia Kopinsky. Hollywood, CA.

"Guys would never ask me out on a second date. Now, I always  bring Google Nose along. At the end of the evening, I just pop one on their nose, wait about one millisecond for my pheromones to travel across the room, and, voila!, that big hairy guy is mine! Thank you, Google Nose." Cherry Cherry Pumpkin Berry. Legume, UT

"We've been using it for our DUI's. No more breathalyzer testing for this department. Once we pull someone over and get the allegedly drunk bastard out of his car, the officer will  put on his Google Nose and quicker than you can say "let me see your immigration papers", the officer will know not only if the poor jerk is drunk, but also what he's been drinking, how much and when he last changed his underwear."  Sargent Kim Taser. Biloxi, MS.

"Google Nose? More like Google Blows. I wore it to a Miami Dolphins home game against the Chargers. We were on the 20 yard line, two tiers up. Let me tell you, I never realized how gassy professional football players are. I lent it to my wife for the second half and she went down like a sack of potatoes right after the kick off."  Esther Lester. Miami, FL.

" I  love my Google Nose. Whenever I step into my apartment after a hard day at the office I love to get a
Ginger with Google Nose
and optional solar charger
whiff of what's cooking in the building. With Google Nose I know just where to invite myself for dinner. Problem is, 5J is the worst cook in the world. I could be 3 blocks away and almost have to barf from what they're putting together for dinner. Honestly, I may have to get Google Nose Lite when it becomes available next year. Ginger Weinerville. New York, NY.


WARNING:  Do not use Google Nose with optional solar charger if you tan easily, enjoy long walks in the rain, are planning to walk into a bank with a gun or going for a job interview while sober.









Monday, November 25, 2013

MASSIVE RECALL OF SLEEPYTIME FLIPO'MATS. 12 DEATHS REPORTED.

The Food and Bed Administration (FOOBA) has ordered the recall of all Sleepytime Self Flip Mattreses (FlipO'Mats).  The recall is said to affect more than 430,000 such mattreses that may flip over without the given command of the owner to do so. Thus causing death and even injury to those that were unfortunate enough to be lying on the bed at the time of the terrible accident.
The FlipO'Mat at work during
happier days


The self flipping mattress was intended to save bed owners the time, effort and need to remember to turn over their mattress every 6 months as recommended by American College of Back Doctors That Make Millions (ACBDTMM). In just 5 short years, the Sleepytime Bedding Corporation has gone from a $20.00 ill fitting bed sheet scam to a $4 billion homicidal mattress company.

One lucky survivor was Esther Lester, former White House tech geek. GSR interviewed Mr./Ms. Lester just before going into surgery to repair his/her little woodie. "It all happened so fast. One moment I was resting comfortably in my purple snuggie and the next, I heard a "whoosh" and then everything went blank, The next thing I know, some cute guy is giving me 30 chest compressions while his partner is giving me tongue once every six compressions. I thought I was in gender free heaven, for sure."

Steve Sideboard, founder and inventor of the remarkable FlipO'Mat mattress put out a statement,  "Those out dated queen and king size mattress are certainly a bitch for one or two people to turn over. With my patented "flip the mat" technology there was nothing to do except press a button on the remote and the mattress would slowly turn over using the patented robotic arms embedded within the mattress and box spring. Our hearts go out to the families who have lost loved ones and we are offering to those families our Deluxe King Size Self Flipping Mattress and Box Spring for no money down and 60 months to pay at only 4% interest compounded hourly."


Death by box spring.
A mattress a trois gone very wrong.
 According to FOOBA, most people perished due to suffocation and, in rare instances, the dreaded "better get the spatula effect." Reports out of Phoenix say that three adults, one with incredible honkers, were found Sunday morning wedged between the box spring and mattress at a local Rest Your Head Here Motel in what the coroner is calling a deadly game of mattress a trois. Authorities have not yet released the names of the three individuals pending notification of next of sin.




Sleepytime Industries has promised to repair all defective mattresses. These should be returned, care of, the Nigerian Embassy, 17 Nebraska Avenue, Washington, DC. An original receipt, a large pizza with extra cheese and your best rendition of Bob Wills & His Texas Playboy's song, "San Antonio Rose", will be required for identification and processing. If you don't have the receipt, one of your kidneys will do just fine.

Anyone wishing a refund instead can go their web site, www.youdonthaveachanceinhell.com. It may take you a few months to get through but it still beats healthcare.gov.

Can I get an amen?


Monday, November 18, 2013

NEW GLITCH FOUND WITH OBAMACARE WEB SITE

As the new White House tech team tries to bring healthcare.gov back on line and working properly, a new problem has surfaced. It appears that those individuals who have successfully signed onto the new health care web site have also volunteered for the United States Navy. It has been revealed that as each individuals information and acceptance on the web site was electronically sent to their chosen health plan, all of this information was also sent to the Navy's National Recruitment Center (NaRC) in Fairfax, Virginia.
One day we're working at The Gap, the
next, we're insured and in the Navy.

Vice Admiral John Paul Jones XVII released the following statement. "Recruitment has been slow and we were offering two weeks free vacation in Cabo, Mexico for every new enlistee. But now, with enlistment tied to Obamacare, our sails are full and it's full speed ahead. Hell, we've now got more sailors than Carnival Cruise has deck chairs."

Thursday, CMS Director Kathleen Sebelius told Goat Soup Radio, "It is imperative that you report for Navy duty if you are asked to do so. We need to keep the website fully operational and if people don't report for duty, the computer system might just crash again. To make amends, all those who fulfill their four year stint in the Navy will receive, at no charge, one pair of orthopedic shoes from a podiatrist of their choice.

GSR spoke to Flora Dora, a 58 year old retired muffler saleswoman who was successful in signing up for her new health insurance. "I was pleased as punch that I wouldn't have to worry about the future now that I was insured. But then I got this letter from The Department of the Navy telling me to report to Gunnery School in Pensacola, Florida on December 15. I was so upset that I called my son-in-law, Randy, who is a lawyer. But he also  signed up for Obamacare and had already left for Navy Seal Training School in Minerva, Washington. He's 45 and he's only got one good eye."

Flora Dora makes the best of it in the Navy.
Randy, now a Navy Seal.













For a more historical perspective, GSR traveled to The Old Sailor's Home in Norfolk, Virginia and spoke with 83 year old retired seaman, Popeye The Sailor. "It just don't seem right, not to join the Navy. Even my girl, Olive Oyl, may she rest in peace, wanted Swee'Pee to join when he gets older. Anyway, you got computer problems? I don't know what a computer is, but just gimme a couple cans of real spinach, not the soupy creamed spinach they serve in here, and me and Bluto will fix it faster than you can say, kiss my goat soup radio tattoo."

Monday, November 11, 2013

TULLY'S ROADKILL BARBECUE PIT (CLOSED CHRISTMAS)

Please be sure it's really dead before
bringing it to Tully's.
If you have a hankering for real down home roadkill barbecue, think of Tully's. And if you're cruising along in your pickup and suddenly hit some defenseless animal that was looking for it's mama, definitely think of Tully's. Just tie that critter to the
back of your rig and head on over. Tully will have your meal skinned, cleaned, gutted and cooked before you're on your second beer. And if it's not the best tasting roadkill you've ever sunk your incisors into, the next 3 week old piece of roadkill we get in is on the house! Since 1978 Tully has, what you might say, been in the recycling business long before those East Coast candy ass liberals ever heard the term.

Naturally, if you'd like to see our menu and order whats just come into the kitchen through the back door, well, it's a free country. From our crispy bacon and hash brown squirrel appetizer to our famous chocolate armadillo cake, we'll have you coming back for more. In March 2010 the Ryman County Health Department certified that 94.6% of all those who had eaten at Tully's were still alive 24 hours later! Compare that with Fat Dan's Country Store and Pit Stop out on State Road 43 where only 82% of customers survived after 24 hours. Contracting leprosy is never a problem at Tully's.

Thinking of bringing the whole family to Tully's Roadkill Barbecue? Ordering is easy. Why not ask for Tullly's Grand Buffet Feast? It's just $63.95 and feeds four to seven adults, regardless of body mass index, church affiliation or sleeping habits.

After
Before




"Would you like fries with that?"

Looking to shed a few pounds? Why not try Tully's delicious (and crunchy) tit mouse grits with real pieces of Highway 73? Each week Darrell waits behind that Calvin Klein road sign up on Highway 73 eyeing each and every tit mouse as it meets its maker. When properly hit no less than five times, he scoops it up, places it in a cooler and within four hours (more if he stops at Diana's Boarding House) brings it to Tully's for your dining pleasure.




And don't forget. Tuesday is "all you can eat surprise barbecue night". It's tasty, it's delicious and it's grilled to perfection. We just aren't sure what it was. Just make sure when you get home, you count your pets. ..just a little barbecue roadkill humor there.
And speaking of home, why not take home a bottle of Tully's Original Barbecue Sauce #5? The secrets in the fresh drippings...but just let Pee Wee, our saucier, worry about that. A few shakes of Tully's #5 on your favorite food and you'll be howling at the moon just like your granddaddy did.

Monday, November 4, 2013

EPA, FDA Approve First GMCs

ClamBionics
"No Clam Without A Plan"
 

After five years of government scrutiny, six minutes of public comments and one rained out clambake, ClamBionics has received permission to begin selling the first genetically modified clams (GMCs) for human consumption. Clams, once found in every child's school box lunch, have now become something of a specialty item. Today, fresh cooked clams continue to be a tasty addition to any meal as well as being a great source of vitamins G,O,A and T. However, overfishing, kids pooping in the ocean and the ever increasing demand for Clamato Juice has made the clam something of a luxury and has increased the price faster than you can say, "Carly's clams casino".

GSR spoke with Professor Stanley B. Manley of Brown University's School of Clamatology. "For years, scientists have been warning about the rising levels of cocktail sauce in the atmosphere. If the world continues at this pace, particularly those nations with clam bars, it is estimated that by the year 2045 the only thing left clammy will be the weather."  

 It is hard to believe that it was only 80 years ago that Italy dropped the Mediterranean clam as its monetary bench mark in favor of the lira and that in 1992 Italians voted 55% to 40% in favor of the Euro over the Clamo. Editor's note: the other 5% thought they stumbled into an SAT testing center. 


A view inside the Clamcubator.
Working feverishly (with rectal temperatures often approaching 104 degrees Fahrenheit) scientists at

ClamBionics successfully cloned the first Atlantic clams to reach adulthood in under 10 weeks. Then, in 2009, they were able to turn this molluskian bivalve to a single shell clam through a combination of genetic transference and sing alongs. Without the top shell, the clam was now able to spread it's squishy foot, so to speak, and become the full bodied, plump clam we see pictured here today. And, so long as they remembered to apply enough SPF15 they wouldn't have to worry about sunburn or the feared "tanned clam thank you, ma'am" effect.



Inspecting the product.
ClamBionics spokesperson, Lemon Onthesides, explained the process. "As juvenile clams they spend

the first 5 weeks of life in the laboratory, each growing on their own highly nutritious petri dish and free to drink all the lemon juice they want. If they keep the area around their petri dish clean, they get a cookie. Once they reach the age of six weeks (14 clam years) they are sent to our ocean pen off the coast of Isiaqua. Here they are  protected from hungry predators and bathed in the nutrient rich currents of the Northern Pacific Ocean or Railroad (I get them mixed up). Finally, clammy, dandy and randy, they are harvested in the dead of night and sent directly to a store near you or your evil twin."
GMCs at low tide.




What's next for ClamBionics? Ms. Onthesides heaved a heavy sigh, adjusted her obviously fake 38 double D's and said, "camelclams. It's a clam, it's a camel. It's a camel, it's a clam."

GSR has since leaned that Ms. Onthesides has left ClamBionics and is now a registered pickled plum and cucumber sushi roll offender living in El Paso, Texas.

Monday, October 28, 2013

STANDOFF CONTINUES AT GLACIER NATIONAL PARK

Moving into its 12th day, the standoff between National Park Rangers and the flora and fauna of Glacier National Park continued with no end in sight. As the government shutdown came to an end October 16 and federal workers headed back to their jobs, the park rangers assigned to the million plus acres of Glacier National Park in Montana were met with a big surprise.

Standing, sitting, flying, soaring or just planted, 28 representatives of the more than 20,000 species of plants, animals and insects living in Glacier National Park would not allow the rangers entry. Holding placards reading, "The Best 13 Days of Our Lives", "Give Us a Little Peace and Quiet", and "Pure Nature 24/7", while others simply held their ground roaring, crying, screeching, howling or buzzing.
"We were here first and
we know our rights."

When told to let the rangers pass, elected spokesanimal, Theodore "Chick" Owlsey III, had this to say,
"Sorry guys, we're not budging. These past two weeks, it was quiet and peaceful. No one staring at us while we pooped, no car pollution, no loud radios and no one standing over our shoulder looking to see what we're up to. So, we're taking back the park. We don't need your human fiddling in our affairs. Now just leave us alone and go back to your cities. That's all we have to say."

Faced with such opposition, the rangers have set up a negotiation team that has been trying to talk to the denizens of Glacier National Park in the hope of reaching a compromise. However, the protesters have dug in their hoofs, roots, talons, claws, legs and fins and show no sign of giving in. Taking turns at the various entryways into the park, the protesters seem to be in it for the long haul. Food is plentiful, spirits are high and as the park reverts to it's natural state without human intervention it will become more and more difficult for the rangers to search for the ring leaders.
The 5 day old turtle naval blockade.

"Our greatest fear is that other parks hear of this and join the standoff in sympathy", said Interior Department spokesperson, Robert Hume Ann. "To be honest," he said, "we didn't fight the Indians to give it all back to a couple of nature loving trout, The Secretary of the Interior will allow negotiations to go on for so long and then we will take back the park using any means necessary."

GSR's nature correspondent and one time contestant on Wheel of Fortune, Pesca Torre, secretly gained access to the park in the guise of  a wild turnip on October 20. She reported, "Steve, it's very organized in here. You can't go five feet without some Western Mountain Tree Frog asking to see ID. Thousands of worker honey bees have taken to the air. They've made the entire sky above Glacier Park a "no fly zone", save for emergency bald eagles doing reconnaissance and flying squirrels delivering food to the protesters. Great White Owls and deer stand night watch and fire ants are ready to march at a moments notice."
"We've taken back the park from the
Man and now it's ours"

As the protesters faced off with the big brained brutish bipeds, tempers have frayed. Unconfirmed reports have it that one ranger at the main gate suddenly tore off his clothes and ran into the park, flailing his arms and yelling, "I'm with you, my little friends." He was last seen on all fours collecting acorns in preparation for winter hibernation.



Monday, October 21, 2013

FIRST FAMILY RETURNS TO WHITE HOUSE AS GOVERNMENT REOPENS


Happy to return, the First Family quietly slipped back into D.C. this morning after having spent the past 8 days and 7 nights at KIm's Bed and Breakfast in Falls Church, Virginia. 
"We had a pleasant stay," quipped the president. "Although, one night you're in the White House sleeping in Abe Lincoln's bed and the next night you're in a twin size roll around with Magic Fingers. We made due, although you sure run out of quarters real fast."
 In what was a great embarrassment for the Obama administration, the First Family had to move out of the White House due to the recent government shutdown. Although the president would work at the White house during the day, he returned to their temporary residence in Falls Church each evening.

Returning to the White House.
Bigger beds and better roomservice


The Obama's were forced to leave their personal quarters in the White House because of a little known law enacted after the last government shutdown during the Clinton administration. It seems that many in Congress wanted the executive branch to be more responsive to this fiscal debacle. And so, a bill was passed calling for the First Family to move out of the White House within 6 days of a government shutdown. It was signed by President Clinton only after Congress agreed to add 8 more female interns to his White House staff.

And so, on October 6, the First Family and an entourage of 34 vacated their living quarters in the White House while shipping Malia and Sasha's goldfish to the National Aquarium for safe keeping.

A family torn apart.


In an exclusive interview with Goat Soup Radio's White House Correspondent, Trudy Spatudy, Michelle Obama recalled the events of the last 13 days. "We knew the deadline was fast approaching when we would have to leave. Barack was talking about going back to Martha’s Vineyard. Just what does he think I’m going to do on such a tiny island with twelve golf courses and no Target? And, I am such a ninny, I began making phone calls about 10:00 Tuesday night; right after the food tasters okayed the chocolate pudding. We must have called every hotel between here and Richmond. However, as soon as we mentioned the word dog they'd give us the old heave ho...does anyone say heave ho, anymore? Well, we weren't going to leave Sasha and Malia's dog, Bo behind, that's for sure. Oprah suggested Kim's Bed and Breakfast in Falls Church. Their ad said they were both dog and Secret Service friendly. Finally, a roof over our heads."

Confirming this fantastic story was White House non-gender spokesperson, Esther Lester. "The president, his family, Bo and an entourage of 34 left the White House living quarters approximately 6:00 pm on October 13 for Kim's Bed and Breakfast. Kim did promise to repair the treadmill and tell the gardener not to begin mowing before 9:00 am."


TIME OUT. DID YOU KNOW?
It was October 1, 1832 when President Andrew Jackson and his family also had to leave the White House at a moment's notice. Historians tell us that a herd of goats in Lafayette Park, protesting better grazing conditions (yes, they were ahead of their time) soon became agitated. They quickly began racing across the street and through the front facade of the White House. Caught unawares, Old Hickory grabbed his dueling pistol but it was too late. The grumpy, grouchy, garrulous, goats gnashed and grated most of the first floor before stopping in the Rose Garden for group pictures. It’s said that every year at the stroke of midnight on Andrew Jackson's birthday, if you listen real hard and are really wasted, you can hear the sound of goats racing through the White House, even if you're in Boise at the time.


Caught: grabbing a few
muffins for the room.
After tea and goat cheese calzones all around, Mrs. Obama continued.  ”Luckily, the Presidential Suite was available. We were all excited about that. It's just that once we got there, turns out the only thing different about it was that we had one of those metal safety bars next to our toilet and the other rooms didn't. Also, a National Security briefing said that you have to get downstairs real early to get the muffins with the most blueberries in them. It's always something. So now, every morning Barack is up at the crack of dawn, turning on the lights, quickly getting dressed, brushing his teeth with that noisy electric toothbrush of his and then racing downstairs to beat the Joint Chiefs to the front of the line. Damn Republicans."

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5 points each. Show all work. You have one hour. Begin.


In paragraph 4, what breed of dog is Bo?
 
A.  Portuguese Man Of War
B.  Portuguese Water Dog
C.  Portuguese dining al fresco
D.  Hey. you Portuguese pants, now you gotta wear a 'dese pants

In paragraph 3, the underlined word Old Hickory refers to:

A. Your girlfriend's first attempt at Chinese spare ribs
B.  Hickory Dickory Doc's grandmother
C.  An erection lasting more than 4 hours necessitating
      either a trip to the ER or to Miley Cirus
D.  Andrew Jackson


In paragraph 4, Mrs. Obama uses the underlined word, Republicans. What is her intent here?

A.  Teach them to spell America
B.  Bring back the guillotine
C.  Turn them into sniveling dung beetles
D.  All of the above, especially B.


If you were Esther Lester, would you:

A.  Clean up your desk and tone down the makeup
B.  Stop seeing Chris for the umpteenth time
C.  Jump ship and work for Hillary
D.  Just jump ship


Monday, October 14, 2013

WORN AND SMELLY SOCKS RESCUE ALLIANCE

Nit (R) and Pick (L). Now in the
Hosiery Protection Program.
We are a small but growing group of volunteers spread throughout the United States and Texas that look to help and, if necessary, rescue, smelly and worn out socks. We are dedicated to having them washed, repaired, brought back together with their matching partner, or finding them a new home altogether.
 Note: In certain special circumstances we will occasionally buy the sock(s) from the owner, but only in accordance with international laws dealing with worn and smelly sock trafficking.

In addition, we educate the public through handouts, lectures, social media, skywriting and fake socknappings (don't tell anyone). We are not a 501c charity registered with the IRS so we can spend lavishly on personal gifts, sexual escapades and all the beer we can drink.
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  • 1 in 10 socks that are worn and smelly won't make it to their 1st birthday.
    Yes, we help even the little ones.
  • Today, darning surgery has a 98% success rate.
  • We have volunteers throughout the world.
  • If you possess worn and smelly socks there is a support group near you.
  • The Center for Diseased Sock Control (CDSC) estimates that every minute 78 socks are stabbed and punctured by big ugly toenails.
  • Become a community volunteer.
  • A smelly sock is just looking for the right guidance.

Just a short hop to freedom.
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MEET HIC AND CUP
Hic (bottom of pic)) and Cup (top of pic) were the envy of all the other hosiery in the drawer. But, after 5 months of constant wear and warm water washings, they just weren't themselves anymore.
But, we ask, did they deserve to be thrown away, or worse, turned into some under-the- sink rag? The Worn and Smelly Socks Rescue Alliance doesn't think so. We say, Hic and Cup deserve better; to spend their last days together, to be taken care of and to live their last years with dignity.

WON'T YOU HELP HIC AND CUP? For a monthly donation of just $14.95, Hic and Cup will receive weekly cold water washes, priority seating in the sock drawer and unlimited darning. As well, you will receive periodic updates on how Hic and Cup are doing, along with any lint that the two retirees might shed.

So get out your credit card and fill in the donation form at the bottom of this page. However, if you later find that all of your money in all of your bank accounts have been sent to a Yuri Gratozny in Uzbekistan, and that your credit history is now for shit, please understand that it is just a clerical error and we will get right on it.

FINIS OPERIS







Monday, October 7, 2013

GRANT GRANTS GOAT SOUP RADIO GINTERVIEW


The only living president pictured
on United States currency 
Former President of the United States, Ulysses S. Grant has come out of seclusion to speak to the American public. Through a highly unusual interview process, the famous ex-president, 191, exchanged written answers to questions posed to him by GSR’s political reporter, Russ Tic Potatoes. Over a two week period, Mr. Potatoes would place his written questions in the president’s mail box between 6:00 and 7:00 pm and then would return after midnight to pick up the president's handwritten answers.
The now famous mailbox standing alongside its neighbors.
Listener's may recall that it was last spring when Mr. Potatoes broke the biggest political story of the year regarding President Nixon's decision to run in 2016. See our story April 18.

In an effort to confirm that it was, in fact, President Grant, GSR gave his written responses to three outside (who in their right mind would want to work for us) handwriting experts. These experts, all in agreement, stated that "there would be a snowball's chance in hell" that these were the handwritten answers of our 18th president. With no one at Goat Soup Radio ever having taken a statistics course (or a driver's ed course for that matter) it was put to a vote by the staff. 14 hands up in the air said the letters were written by Grant, seven felt they were fakes. It would have been eight but Carlos, our engineer, lost his right hand in a terrible fruit blender accident last year in our kitchen. Thank God he's off the books and it's only a seven hour drive to Tijuana General.


Grant's loom, not tomb.
 Grant, the J.D. Salinger of the 19th, 20th and 21stcenturies has been living the quiet life in southeastern, Massachusetts. His exact whereabouts have been a well guarded secret with the Secret Service keeping prying eyes far away. Recently, however,  the president's comely 18th  wife, 45 year old Maddy Solzhenitsyn-Grant, has been seen walking around the quiet town of Maple, Massachusetts doing her weekly errands, always making sure to stop by Warren’s Smoke Shop to purchase the president’s favorite  stogies. Apparantly, once you've lived beyond about 125 years, a couple of stogies a day ain't going to kill you.

Goat Soup radio is planing a five part series of the former president's views. For now, a short synopsis of his current doings is offered here for the first time.

Our first series of questions asked the president what he's been up to all these years. GSR can report that he has kept himself very busy since the turn of the 19th century. Working out of a small office in Akron, Ohio, the president made a nice living for himself in the hat business. Stove pipe hats, tops hats, and derbys were just some of his best sellers. "Unfortunately," the president wrote, "the hat business went the way of disco and I was out of a job by 1938. I thought of retiring and waiting for Medicare but that wouldn't be for another 27 years. Then, one day my ninth wife, Brinda, was sewing my pants when I had the inspiration to replace one of the pants legs with a wholly different material and color. It was brilliant. We lived in a cottage so it was easy to turn this into a cottage industry. In fact,  when Carol, my 11th wife, and I were late for church one day we ran in through the back door and the preacher sang out to the congregation, "Here comes Mr. Fancy Pants". 
Grant's Fancy Pants on the runway
in Milan, May 2013 
"Well, the name just stuck and now my website, grantsfancypants.com has over 10,000 views per week. With free shipping, we are the largest online purveyor of fancy pants on the planet. We sell more pants than those southern secesionist rebels at Walmart any damned day of the week. Lincoln said after the Battle of Vicksburg that I was his best killing machine. Little did he know about the killing I'd make in retail."




Monday, September 30, 2013

WOULDN'T YOU RATHER WHINEMOR?

Let's be honest. Don't you get tired always being the calm, quiet, philosophically grounded friend in the group? Don't you ever look over at the whiner and be just a little jealous of her whining all the time? I mean, there she is, really letting it out, not caring who sees her crying like a baby and acting like a two year old. Don't you ever see yourself like her? Really letting go of your emotions, pouting 'til the cows come home? Don't you ever want to stop analyzing everything and just say, "the hell with it" ?



This can be you in less than 2 weeks.


Well, now you can. With Whinemor pills or capsules, taken twice daily, you can be the whiner in the group. Why not get all the attention and all the pity? Go ahead, shed those crocodile tears without any effort at all and not have that feeling of embarrassment the next day!




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Here's what some of our customers had to say about Whinemor:

"It was a revelation. One minute I'm walking through the mall with my friends. Then the next, I'm on the floor in front of Forever 21 with my arms around a potted plant and refusing to go another inch until someone buys me something. Well, not only did my friends buy me a sweater but later they paid for my ice cream. Thank you, Whinemor."    J.R., Bakersville, MI.


"I'm not saying nothing. It's cold in here, can't you make it warmer? Stop looking at me. And isn't it really Whinemor with an "e" at the end. What makes them so special?"    D.S., Hollywood, CA.


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The Facts :

Whinemor pills or capsules, taken over a two week period, will make you the most obnoxious, self centered, whining individual ever created on God's green earth. Guaranteed to amaze your friends and befuddle your family. Divorce proceedings and disinheritance are definitely a possibility!


For best results, do not remove
suppository from outer wrapper.
Don't like swallowing pills or capsules? Whinemor is now available in powder and suppository form. Just sprinkle some Whinemor powder over your favorite snack and start feeling that the world is working against you in just minutes. Or, just one suppository carefully placed will take your whining to a whole other level, giving new meaning to the word asshole.

Whinemor Drugs, a division of Narcissistic Industries, brings you the following special offer:
Order just three bottles of Whinemor and, on a day of your choosing, one of our sales reps will come to your house and for a full 30 minutes beg you to stop whining.

WARNING: FDA regulations require us to say that:
  1. Whinemor, taken in excess of the recommended daily dose may cause such unrelenting kvetching on your part that when you die everyone will be glad to see you go and no one will come to your funeral.
  2. Should your headache go away and you start feeling better, you probably grabbed the wrong bottle.
  3. If you are a male and find that your erectile dysfunction problems go away or if you are a female and  discover a sudden deepening color to your labia, you really grabbed the wrong bottle.

Monday, September 23, 2013

WELCOME TO PANDASINGLES.COM

Editor's Note:  My brother may think that this is all fun and games. However, pandas (also called giant pandas) are an endangered species. With continued loss of habitat and a very low birthrate, these animals, despite their cuteness factor, are in serious trouble. It is estimated that there may be only 1,600-2,000 living in the wild.
It is GSR's pleasure to showcase Pandasingles.com, the brainchild of Russ Morgan, Esther Lester and William Gurney. These two men, and who knows what, all former Google executives, have created this much needed service. It is here that male and female pandas can begin meeting quality local singles who share similar passions, bamboo recipes and hopes for the future.  Steve R.
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True love can be yours.

The World's #1 Dating Site For Sincere Panda Singles

Get Professionally Matched And Meet Amazing Panda Singles






What will Pandasingles do for you?
  1. Offer singles looking for relationships, not one night stands.
  2. Reject right away the obvious losers.
  3. Screen out all but pandas, no single elephants here.
  4. Use proven techniques to match you with the best that's out there.
  5. Offer the widest search of pandas worldwide, regardless of zoo or habitat.

Stood up again. Don't let this happen to you.

 
WHY LET YOUR ZOOKEEPER OR SOME PARK RANGER TELL YOU WHO TO DATE? JOIN PANDASINGLES TODAY AND FORGE YOUR OWN FUTURE.

Online dating can be frustrating and expensive. However, Pandasingles.com is totally free to use. So put away your credit card and meet someone! We are the first and only online dating community exclusively for pandas. Our methodology is simple, fun and safe. In just a few clicks you will be dating someone with your interests and like-minded ways (whatever that means for a panda, I'm just reading the brochure).


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Here are some of our success stories:

I had just about given up. I wanted to throw in the towel and just become another spinster panda. Then, a friend told me about Pandasingles.com. Now it's 1 year later and we're expecting! Moo-Li, San Diego Zoo.

I thought I could depend on my zoo. Turns out, they were interested more in licensing agreements than in my feelings. With Pandasingles.com I get to meet the kind of true panda males that I find interesting. Thank you, Pandasingles.  Mai Ling, Bronx Zoo (go Yankees). 


You can fall in love again.
At Pandasingles.com
Where to start with Pandasingles.com? I had recently made the red eye from Chang Fue , China to Brisbane, Australia. All for the hope of starting a new life. Let's just say, life "down under" was a great disappointment. I just wasn't meeting the kind of girls I was interested in. A bloke told me about Pandasingles.com and I have to say I was skeptical. But, with nothing lying on the old bamboo, so to speak, I gave them a try. In less than two weeks I was whistling a new tune. G'day, mates.  "Crocodile" Jen Weh, Brisbane, Australia.

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Warning. You must be 3 years old or older to enter Pandasingles.com.

Choosing safer sex greatly reduces the risk of contracting STDs including the dreaded Pandaditis crabbies!











Monday, September 16, 2013

BORDERS BOOKS TO REOPEN WITH IN-STORE PLASTIC SURGERY CENTERS

BORDERS BOOKS TO CHANGE NAME.  NOW, BORDERS, BOOKS AND BOOBS.

"This was a no brainer." said BB&B Vice-President, Bob Sevens. "We wanted to reopen, we knew we had a good product but we just needed to add something that could not be so easily offered on line. In store yodeling lessons were considered but we just wanted something with a little more pizazz. Plastic surgery was always our first choice. We already had the parking as well as the waiting room furniture. Not to mention all those magazines."

Editor's Note: GSR has learned through anonymous sources that each store will devote 40% floor space to books, 20% to coffee bars, 35% to plastic surgery and 5% to medical waste.

BEFORE AND AFTER
"I also purchased Nigerian Finger Foods,
Volume 4"

"Studies show," said store spokesman Bob Eights, "that 80% of adults who frequent book stores also yearned for tighter tummies and bigger breasts. If we can capture 30% of those looking for the paperback edition of 50 Shades of Goat, we'll be back in the game."

When asked about the high cost of plastic surgery, Mr. Nines addressed the issue. "We understand and sympathize with those who just can't shell out thousands of dollars for these  procedures. However, with our multi-level payment option, we will make plastic surgery available to all. Let's say, for example, a normal liposuction procedure is $7000 retail. Our customer will have the option to choose a board certified plastic surgeon with 20 years experience and obviously pay the full retail price of $7000. If this is a bit too steep, they may want to opt for a newly minted resident in pulmonology to do the procedure. In that case, they will pay 20% off the full retail price. Should this still be a little high, we would offer them the expert hands of a board certified podiatrist to do the procedure at 50% off retail price. Finally, for those in need, a special price of 80% off full retail price would be available should they elect to have the next customer in line perform the procedure."

"We're also implementing a new Borders Cosmetic Surgery Club. Once a customer has his or her surgery at BB&B, they will receive a membership club card. Each time they come into a Borders for a procedure their card will be stamped and for every 9 procedures they will be entitled to one free! We will also allow 250 purchased books to count as one procedure."


Just one of our thousands of
satisfied customers - care to
guess what she had done?
"We are also offering our unique Borders Cosmetic Surgery Leasing plan. This allows our customer to merely lease a procedure for two years for $40.00 down and a reasonable monthly fee depending upon the procedure selected. "
"At the end of two years, should they elect to keep their slim waist, for example, they can pay an additional fee and the surgical procedure is theirs for life. If not, at the end of the lease they can simply return to the store where they had the procedure done and be surgically returned to their former self. Of course, there are extra fees for wear and tear beyond normal use. Particularly with breast implants, any amount of silicone leakage beyond 50% will result in a penalty fee. And keep in mind that over the life of the procedure, a breast will always depreciate more in value than a nose.Taxes and title extra. Sorry, no loaners available at this time." 

In other news, Jeff Bezos, founder and CEO of Amazon, announced today that the new Kindle e-Reader arriving next month will grant the owner three wishes.