Monday, February 24, 2014


Welcome to another 4-H award winning Goat Soup Radio Career White Paper.

Previous CWPs have looked at the high cost of preparing for an interview at Friendly's, the sordid relationships between human resource managers and their estranged families, why the military has taken an about-face and is only promoting those with painful bunions and how to make up for lost income by practicing dentistry in your spare time.

The U. S. Department of Labor has rated medical doctors' salaries just behind those of corrupt Russian oligarchs and high school art teachers who begin working at age 11, live at home with their parents, turn the lights off when they leave a room, never marry, never spend a dime and don't stop working until they're 87.

And so, take notice. Getting into medical school
 Goat Soup Radio will fight for you.
 See full disclosure below.

 has never been easier if you follow our simple rules (and have a backup plan, maybe two):

I. The MCATS. 
GSR has counseled hundreds of applicants over the years and, for our listeners, we always suggest applying to schools that don't require the MCATs. Two examples would be the Mogadishu School of Tropical Medicine and Maritime Piracy and The Medical School at Vladivostok, Siberia (Go Caribou!) of and for the Criminally Insane, Politically Liberal and Just Plain Not Lucky. Speaking to graduates of these two schools, we do not recommend taking the meal plan.

In the United States, there is the Acme School of Advanced Cosmetology and Medicine in Camden, NJ. This school is particularly appropriate for those applying later in life as everyone graduates in just one year as long as you maintain a grade of at least an F-. As well, with Camden having one of the highest crime rates in the country, medical students will not have to share cadavers during their two week anatomy class.

II. The Application. 
Now here you may think that we are going to tell you to claim yourself as every minority, religious and ethnic blend that you can think of. Nothing is further than the truth. The best thing we can say here is be yourself. Medical schools are just clamoring for redneck, ultra conservative, gun toting, bare footed, road kill eating, moonshine drinking, banjo playing, trailer park living, teeth missing. pick up truck driving, fifth grade educated, hairy underarmed, hand-me-down clothes wearing wahoos like yourself.

III. The Application Essay.
If you can understand the difference between a sentence and a picture, you can get through this. Although its probably best to copy and paste the Declaration of Independence as your essay, feel free to consult your fifth grade teacher on this one.

One last thing. Never, never use spell check. Looking at the incoming freshmen class for all U.S. medical schools, not one student is from the Czech Republic. Note:  if you don't get this last joke, please see me after class.

IV. The Personal Interview.
This is your time to shine. Making a good impression here will determine your future, the happiness and security of your children, your children's children and their children.

A.  If you're going to go out drinking the night before your interview, always wear the clothes that you will be wearing for the interview. That way, should you get really get wasted, you won't lose a lot of time in the morning looking for your pants.
Quinn is ready for
her interview

B.  Before walking into the interview, discard your shoes. When asked during the interview why, simply say that you have given all of your shoes away to the poor. It's never worked, but we think we saw this in a movie.

C.  Never give a firm handshake. When the interviewer shakes your hand, pretend that they have a strong, vise like grip and say something like, "Wow, you're really strong. You really must work out". Buckling at the knees should be practiced at home.

D.  The way to take charge of a conversation and be the commanding presence in the room is to always be physically above and therefore be looking down at the other person. Therefore, always bring a pillow with you to the interview to sit on, Just be sure the pillowcase doesn't have any of your drool on it from the night before.

E.  Bring a packed suitcase of all of your stuff. That way, you can tell them you're ready to start right away.

F.  If it doesn't seem to be going well, pretend to lose consciousness. After two or three shocks from the defibrillator, get up and apologize, saying you contracted malaria during the summer when you were working as a volunteer aid in Kenya. As an alternative, you can claim Ebola hemmoragic virus. However, you will have to walk into the interview bleeding from every orifice and die a horrible death within 36 hours. Graduation would be difficult.


In full disclosure, should you become a doctor, Goat Soup Radio will take 45% of all your earnings for the first 25 years while you're in practice and thereafter 60% of all your earnings until you retire, move to Florida,  have all your dinners no later than 4:00 in the afternoon, develop diabetes, have a heart attack, drop dead and then be flown back to Chicago in a casket and buried somewhere overlooking Lake Wobegon. Should disclosure not be to your liking, see datclosure over there. 

It was in the reign of George III
that the above-named personages
lived and quarreled, good or bad,
handsome or ugly, rich or poor, they 
are all equal now.
--- William Makepiece Thackery, Stanley Kubrick Barry Lyndon

Monday, February 17, 2014


Sports Obscura Magazine, a self published zine out of Scottsdale, Arizona first brought up the question during Superbowl halftime on its blog. Who is throwing for the Denver Broncos, Peyton Manning or his twin brother, quarterback Eli Manning of  the New York Giants? With scant followers (even less than Goat Soup) the question didn't seem to have any legs. However, once the game ended at 43-8 in favor of the Seattle Seahawks, Sports Obscura's veteran reporter Eddy Weddy sent the question to his brother, Teddy Weddy of WEBE Radio, Tampa. From there, questions began to be raised.

Did Eli take over for Peyton? Was Peyton ill or injured before kick-off? Was Peyton such a fan of Modern Family that he had to stay home that night and watch it? Could this be the reason for the lopsided score? Did NFL bigwigs and little toupees know this was going on? Is this the biggest kept secret since the United States traded Detroit and $27 billion for Montreal in 2013?

Only known close-up (without helmet)
 of "Peyton" during the game.

Goat Soup Radio, in another 4-H amateur livestock winning investigative report, has collected the facts. You decide:
  1. It is well known that Eli wears a size 8 hat while Peyton wears a size 7. Why did "Peyton" always have trouble taking off his helmet?
  2. Three days before, on Media Day, Peyton did say he felt a cold coming on. Why didn't "Peyton" sneeze even once during the Superbowl?
  3. During the game, why was Eli's wife, Tiger, biting her nails, just like she does at all of Eli's games with the Giants?
  4. During the third quarter, "Peyton" yelled at his left tackle Stanley Waskowski  for missing a block. However, he called him Lisa, the first name of the wife of the Giant's assistant travel director.
  5. Why were there so many New York and New Jersey fans in the stands?
  6. Right before the game, "Peyton" only hugged his wife, Quinn. No tongue action there, very strange.
  7. Why did "Peyton" run so quickly into the clubhouse after the game? And why was he looking so fresh and rested during the post game interview?
  8. The brothers' grandmother, MawMaw, usually very talkative to local reporters, hasn't been seen in public since before the game.
  9. Finally, in their official bios, both Eli and Peyton say that their favorite movie while growing up was The Parent Trap. Coincidence, conspiracy or barroom misunderstanding?

For the next 39 hours, GSR is asking you, the listening public to call in with your opinion:

Dial 849-403598  (849-PEYTON) if you think Peyton threw in Superbowl XXLJC or

Dial 849-839 (849-ELI) if you think Eli threw in Superbowl XXLJC or

Dial 849-7348594857118544280 (849-I'MSITTINGHERENAKED) if you think I am sitting here naked. 


Please Note:  All responses will be kept strictly confidential. GSR does acknowledge that former NSA contractor, Eric Snowden, pinko communist stooge that he is, did release some 10,000 pages of transcribed phone calls between GSR and The Sheikh of Araby. However, until we get enough frequent flier miles for a 10 day fun filled vacation to Cabo, Mexico, we're not talking.


Monday, February 10, 2014


Since 1982, the Cardiac Catheterization and Rip The Guts Right Out Center at The Great Michael Jackson Sands Hospital has offered special Valentine's Day rates for those wishing to give the very best. Imagine your loved ones surprise while they're thinking chocolates or flowers and you present them with a piece of your heart?
"My girlfriend is going to love
this. And with Groupon  I
 saved an additional 20%."

Under the direction of Dr.Twoski Brewski, world renowned mixologist and almost board certified surgeon, those wishing to have a piece of their aorta removed, copper plated and beautifully gift wrapped, can now do so at the incredible low, low price of just $4,556.99. Taxes, medical waste pick up and confinement to a nursing home after 90 days extra. Don't have the cash? No problemo! Dr. Brewski accepts pure heroin, sexual favors and stolen credit card numbers in batches of 20. Still can't come up with the do-re-mi? There's always Obamacare.

Using minimally invasive procedures that Dr. Brewski picked up while working at Gooch's Greater Detroit Towing Service, blood loss is kept to a minimum, you don't have to use your real name, and infection rates are less than 95%!

Don't wait until it's too late to book your operating room time and you find yourself saying, "aorta have called earlier." 

This is a once in a lifetime opportunity (Dr. Brewski may be losing her medical license real soon and your lifetime could be cut real short). So, while you're sitting on your bar stool counting the hours down to Valentine's Day with nothing to show for it, download the Great Michael Jackson Hospital surgical consent form. Just be sure to initial the paragraph that says that you are easily the craziest son of a bitch this side of Patagonia for consenting to this procedure and that right after recovery, if you recover, you will immediately have yourself committed.


In an exclusive interview with GSR,  Dr.Brewski sat down with us to talk about this very special gift offering.

GSR. Tell us about the procedure, Dr. Brewski.

Brewski.  I noticed one day that they we were selling heart shaped medallions in the hospital gift shop.Well, I thought to myself, why not sell the real thing? I've always been very entrepreneurial.

GSR.  And did The Great Michael Jackson go for the idea right away?

Brewski.  Oh, no. They were concerned at first about removing part of the heart which might lead  to complications. Well, I assured them that the ancient Incas would remove a man's heart with very crude instruments and still the guy would be kicking and jumping around for a few minutes and that modern medicine has made some great strides since then.

GSR   Have there been any complications?

Brewski.  Only once when I accidentally removed a woman's larynx instead of her aorta. But, she was always very introverted so it didn't seem like much of a change.

GSR.  Any other holiday specials coming up?

Brewski. We always get a lot of requests for our frontal lobe flag pole insertion procedure around July 4th.


Editor's Note:  The full version of this interview can be found at www.wannabuyabridge?.com

Monday, February 3, 2014


Has this ever happened to you? You're in a crowded bar. Then, right after sneezing incredibly loud with full body contortion, you grab a tissue, proudly look around expecting gesundheits all around and you get nothing? Well, those days are over my little friend. With the new Klendle Smart Tissue, each sheet is embedded with the new Springboard HSX microchip. Consequently, each and every time you sneeze into one of these babies, you get a "gesundheit" back, available in 14 languages, male or female, drunk or sober. Coming soon in Finnish.

But the smart tissue does more than spew gesundheits. The Klendle Smart Tissue is 224 times stronger than regular tissue with an unequaled snot absorbency rating of 32 DNMs. Editor's Note:  1 DNM (dried nasal mucus) = 3 boogers.
Even we don't know the relevance
of this picture.

As a pubic service, GSR would like to list the many reasons why the Klendle Smart Tissue should always be right under your nose:

  1. Every time you blow into one it analyzes your nasal mucus for 12 different bacteria, nine viruses and three types of dry rat turd.
  2. After analysis, the tissue will turn pink (you've got a cold), red (go see a doctor) or black (you have six hours to live).
  3. Next time you cut your foot off with a lawn mower you can use a Klendle as an emergency tourniquet, or to write your last will and testament on.
  4. With 32 DNMs behind it, one Klendle can last you through a week's worth of the plague.
  5. Never miss the wastebasket again! Every Klendle uses the same technology the CIA uses in its secret drone program. Discard your Klendle in any direction and it will always makes its way into the basket.
  6. Not only does the Klendle tell you when you are down to your last 10 tissues, it remotely places your next order. You don't have to lift a finger!
  7. Has your whole family come down with something? After your disgusting mucus is analyzed it is chemically sterilized, so you can feel free to share your used Klendle with your loved ones.
  8. As an added bonus, Klendles smell and taste like 12-year-old Parmesan cheese. So don't feel shy in grinding a few up and adding them to your favorite Italian dish.
  9. After having that cold for a week or two is your nose red and sore? The Klendle Smart Tissue comes loaded with anabolic steroids to reduce redness and swelling. Warning: The Sturgeon General has reported that the overuse of this product can lead to flaring nostrils of such magnitude that people have been known to have been be swept away in the most gentle of breezes.
  10. Do people recognize you from a distance of 500 feet simply by the same repetitive sound you make every time you sneeze? Through patented nanospaghettiotechnology, the Klendle Smart Tissue can modify the sound you make as you blow into it, thus mimicking the sound of any musical instrument (kazoo excepted), animal call or tree falling in a forest. Imagine sneezing in church one day and all anyone hears are two harps playing Ave Maria. 
Ave Maria,
Gee it's good to see ya,
Doing the Vatican Rag - Tom Lehrer

Klendle Smart Tissues.
We don't blow, you do. - Steve Ryman