Monday, July 29, 2013

RIOTS ENGULF PHOENIX - GOAT SOUP RADIO OFF THE AIR

Could this be Goat Soup Radio Spring?
Phoenix, AZ. 4:00 AM

Phoenix was once a happy little town. A couple of haciendas, the Erie Canal and a Taco Bell. All that changed however, when word spread like hotcakes that Goat Soup Radio had fabricated all of its news items. Just who started this rumor and for what reason is unknown. However, by Sunday, crowds began to gather outside the corporate headquarters of Goat Soup Radio's parent company, Gooch's Breast Milk International.  Their three demands were simple: bring out the goat, bring back my soup, I'm not finished with it yet and bring back seeded watermelon (centuries from now this would be known as the 'Bring It On Manifesto').

National Guard Surrounds
GSR Headquarters
With as many supporters as there were detractors taking to the streets, it was Phoenixian against Phoenixian, mano y mano, diet versus regular. This sleepy little town now had a middle name and it wasn't Little Becky. SWAT teams were called in to quell the madness, especially if they knew how to write a funny blog. Sporting riot gear and very expensive hoop earrings, the Swatters took immediate action. Letting go with a barrage of really dumb, dum-dum bullets, the police entered the building attempting to move the rioters out. Police Chief Russ Tic Potatoes described the scene. "It was chaos in there. It took us 3 hours to clear those people out. My men kept slipping on all those individual fake cheese plastic wrappers, and the line for the ladies room was clear out the door."

By this time, Goat Soup Radio was off the air. For a good four minutes police searched the building for the men behind the goat.
Hiding under his desk, wearing his 1989 child size 5 Luke Skywalker costume, the man behind all this chicanery, Steve Ryman, was quickly discovered. Pushing through the throngs of Christmas shoppers and goat cheese aficianados he was whisked away to SWAT headquarters.
Steve Ryman Attempting to
Calm the People
 

Never having watched NCIS, Steven held his ground."I want a lawyer, I want the FCC and I want a beer." Jumping on the desk and pumping his fist in the air, he began to shout, "F-C-C, F-C-C, F-C-C". With no one else joining in, he eventually sat down, very embarrassed.
Later that day, handed a warm cherry Slurpee, Steve broke.

"Yes, it was all me. There is no Lee, no Goat Soup Radio, I can't get a date and I sleep with a light. I don't even like beer. All I have is this associate degree in lilliputian furniture and I'm really from Louie Louie, Washington." (EDITOR'S NOTE: At this point our hero would have hoped for some leniency. However, with only two readers, one being a Scientologist, we will continue with the story.)

Steve receives his much deserved
presidential pardon

Eventually, Steve showed federal prosecutors his temporary tattoo of him and Lee eating at the Ming House all-you-can-eat-Chinese-buffet and he was let go for reasons of national security and predicted rain. Fearing that his future in small engine repair maintenance was in jeopardy, Steve began a free course at the local YMCA in Nigerian finger foods.  He now feels fulfilled and happy.
The end.

Monday, July 22, 2013

MRS. SKAPINSKI HAS A BAD DAY

“I am so sorry and I am so embarrassed. I should have stopped when everybody was honking at me, but I just thought maybe a brake light was out.”

Goat Soup Radio spoke with Mrs. Skapinski at her home, roughly 3.5 miles from where the incident is said to have occurred.
 
Mrs. Skapinski 
“I just did what I've done a thousand times before. I paid the gas station attendant in cash – it’s always cheaper than paying with a credit card - and then I went back to my car to fill up my tank. I suppose my mind was elsewhere because the next thing I remember, I’m driving home and, like I said, everybody was honking at me. I will admit the car seemed a little sluggish whenever I tried to accelerate. But, again, who knew? And this one man was very rude. When I stopped for a light this man pulls up next to me and is just laughing like there is no tomorrow. Then, he rolls down his window, points to the back of my car and starts yelling something about my own private pipe line. Well, I just thought he was crazy. The light turned green and I just continued on my way home.”


“It really wasn't until I got home that I realized what I had done. When I got out of the car and looked behind me and saw the gas nozzle still in the gas tank and the hose attached to it, going down my driveway and down the street as far as I could see, I was in shock. I didn't know if I stretched the hose all that way or if they make it that long. Pretty soon the neighbors started to come out and I didn't know what to do. For a second I even thought about driving back to the gas station. But then I thought all they would have is the beginning of the hose and the end of the hose and none of the middle part. Finally, the fire department came and I figured that if anybody knew how to roll up a hose and put it back, they do. Well, they said that they couldn't do that and I would have to wait for the police to arrive."
Running Down The Road



“ All of a sudden up my driveway comes the gas station attendant, mad as hell. Seems like once he realized what happened he had to close the gas station and follow the hose all through town until he came up to my car. He starts telling me that this happens at gas stations once every couple of years. And, that there is some kind of unknown, secret law that says anyone forgetting to put the nozzle back and drives off with the hose still attached is charged by the oil company $245.00 for every mile of hose pulled off it's property, if paid in cash and $265.00 per mile if paid by credit card. Well, I didn't have that kind of cash on me and so I had to pay top dollar for them to
 
Reeling In The Hose:
One Tough Job
come with this huge, round reel, just like the kind I use for my garden hose, only much bigger. It took them about two hours to roll up the hose and take it back to the station. They had to close off the streets and everything. I never knew sumo wrestlers specialized in this kind of thing." 

 
 

“Pretty soon, my block was back to normal and the next time I need to fill up I’m, going to one of those full service gas stations and I’ll just sit in the car and let them pump the gas.”

Editors Note: Through numerous Freedom of Information Act filings, Goat Soup Radio has learned the truth behind these mishaps. In 1946, with a scarcity of oil due to the war, the government began giving subsidies to oil companies to build more gas stations. The simplest way to run the program was to pay the oil companies $.25 for every foot of gas hose they put in to each station. Always looking to make a dollar, gas companies began to make their hoses longer and longer. Today, it is estimated that each gas hose is 4.5 miles in length.

Monday, July 15, 2013

DISNEY INKS DEAL TO RENT UKRAINE IN 2018

After 3 years of secret negotiations, thousands of clocked air miles and 2 parking tickets at JFK, the deal is done. The Walt Disney Corporation will lease for one year, beginning in April of 2018, the entire country of  Ukraine. Rent has been set $95.45 million per month for one year with an option for a second year at an additional 5% increase. Ukraine, we are told, was looking for a 15% increase but the Hague Tenant-Landlord Convention of 1987 made all former Soviet states rent stabilized countries. Ukraine also originally asked for two months security. However, with Geppetto not giving an inch during negotiations, the final deal has Disney paying one month security and offering all citizens of Ukraine 50% off their next Caribbean Disney Cruise with a free upgrade to a cabin with a porthole if they leave the keys to their house or apartment under the mat.
Keeping Mickey Mouse Happy

Tuesday, or maybe it was Friday, GSR's super special undercover reporter, Esther Lester, making himself into a Lion King wall poster, secretly recorded a private meeting of Disney's Board of Director's. It was there that Robert Iger, voted in high school, "most likely to succeed", and also chief executive of Disney, informed his board of the deal.

 Mr. Iger began with the following. "Ladies, gentleman and lovable cartoon characters, we have, with just one mouse paw print, secured our future. We know that to make the films we need to make, to build the theme parks we need to build, we need new locations, bigger sound stages and more land. We could have bought Pixie Hollow, but who wants to keep making Tinker Bell sequels? Detroit has been on the market but who wants a fixer-upper in these times? No, renting a country was the right decision. And, as every Mouseketeer knows by heart, you can't complain about the terrain in Ukraine because the rain in Ukraine falls mainly on the plain."

 After some hot porridge all around, he continued. "A few small changes will have to be made while we are there. First, the name Ukraine is out, Dislandia is in. My choice. Second, bordering on the south is the Black Sea. No good. We shall rename it, Little Critter Bay. Last, Sneezy tells me that the capital of Ukraine is Kiev. Good, I like that. Maybe we'll put Snow White up there for the winter. Questions?  Mickey and I are flying out there tomorrow to check out the laundry situation."
Ukraine's Tourism Minister


Flying Last Class to Ukraine to get all sides of the story, GSR's chief editor, Steve Ryman met with Ukraine's Tourist Minister, culinary priestess, yoga aficionado and registered nurse, Anna Svitla Usmishka. What was to be a 15 minute interview over tea and scones continued on for two days and two nights. There are no eye witness accounts and our hero isn't talking. However, it is said that things ended rather quickly when the Tourist Minister's boyfriend, Vladamir  Boychick, Ukraine's 5th ugliest male between the ages of 2 and 80 arrived. Words were said, intentions made clear and Mr. Ryan was forced to leave the country rather quickly in the back of  cabbage truck; his body intact, his heart broken and his clothes smelling like stuffed cabbage for two weeks. 
Boyfriend of Ukraine's
Tourism Minister

Returning to Phoenix, our hero made his report to GSR and then immediately reactivated his Match.Com  account with a new profile seeking a woman working in the tourist industry, enjoys cooking and yoga and is a registered nurse.

Monday, July 8, 2013

EARN EXTRA CASH IN YOUR SPARE TIME

Are you ordering pizza without extra toppings to save a little money? Are you looking to tear up those credit cards? Having second thoughts about buying that new comb?


In just two weeks you could be
looking at this!
Well, there is an answer. The University of Southern Eastern Michigan will begin it's next two week online program, E-Dentistry, on August 1, 2013. For 12 days, 2 hours per day, you will begin your learning from some of the finest lecturers in Southern Eastern Michigan. Yes, the complete ins and out of dentistry. After just two weeks you will amaze your friends with the number of scheduled appointments you will have.

Using your computer, you will be able to schedule your course hours online to fit your busy schedule. Out on a date? No problemo, senor!! While he or she goes to take a leak, you can quickly turn on your selected device and watch such lectures as, "Poking Around the Mouth For Oral Cancers", "Drilling Deep, Drilling Fast", "Injecting Novocaine and Not Stabbing Yourself",  "Using X-rays to Explain Anything", "Filling Cavities Poolside" or "Extracting Your First Tooth While Texting".

Just listen to what one of our dental graduates, Dr. Dan Barrowhandle had to say.

"I graduated top of my class at Brown. Had the world by the nipples. But, I was never fulfilled in my chosen career as a blacksmith. I just couldn't make ends meet. The days were long and hot. Imagine, 16 hours a day banging on an anvil. Luckily, a friend told me about USEM's E-Dentistry program. Now I spend only 4 hours a day banging my anvil and 3 hours a day treating patients. And that upper body strength I developed as a blacksmith sure comes in handy".

The University of Southern Eastern Michigan has trained hundreds of good looking people just like yourself using E-Dentistry. So, why not turn that lounging around time into suctioning blood and saliva time? And, if you pay in cash you will receive, once you graduate, one fully equipped dental chair, a matching colored stool and 200 - 4 ounce plastic "you can spit out now" cups. So don't wait. Keep that tired old job you have now and instead of going to the gym after work and doing the same old spin class, open up your appointment book, fill a few cavities, put some cash in your sash and make someone smile!

And remember, don't be fooled by imitators claiming to get you that degree in 7 days. Whether it's learning how to put on a face mask or implanting that incisor, you need to be properly trained. USEM's E-Dentistry has been fully accredited by Gooch's Greater Detroit Towing Service since 2010!




Thursday, July 4, 2013

OUR 3RD ANNUAL JULY 4th AMERICAN REVOLUTION HISTORY QUIZ






Raise your cup if you need to go to the bathroom.
Due to the very poor grades last year, even with the curve, the answers (not in any particular order) are given at the bottom of the page. That is, comrades, match the letter answer with the questions. Some answers may be used twice. Your final grade will be sent home.

Begin.

For questions 1 through 14, choose A through Q as your answer. 45 points
  1. How many times is the word beer found in the Declaration of Independence?
  2. True or False: The Boston Tea Party took place in New York harbor for security reasons.
  3. The Battle of Brandy_ _ _ _ was fought in 1777. 
  4. The _________ Rebellion occurred during Washington's presidency
  5. Bill Clinton is to Monica Lewinsky as Thomas Jefferson is to ________________.
  6. Who does not belong with the others?  1. Abigail Adams  2.  John Adams  3.  John Quincy Adams  4. Helium Atoms
  7. Hessian soldiers fighting the colonists would most likely drink 1. Budweiser  2. Becks  3.  Rolling Rock  4.  Coor's
  8. A keg of beer in 1778 filled how many 12 ounce red Solo plastic cups? Hint: trick question.
  9. Without looking at this screen, spell Fort Ticonderoga leaving out all the o's.
  10. What beer is named after a revolutionary war hero now dead?
  11. Which of the following does not belong to this group? 1. Betsy Ross 2. Martha Washington, 3. Abigail Adams 4.Game of Thrones
  12. Which of the following is a famous quote from the American Revolution?
a. I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
b. One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know.
c. I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
d. Give a man a beer, waste an hour. Teach a man to brew, and waste a lifetime.
e. There, I guess King George will be able to read that!

13. Stand up and name the only two individuals pictured on our currency who were not president.

14.  Holding your breath, besides Washington, who is the other revolutionary war hero on Mt. Rushmore?

_______________________________________
Answers to above and some cheap, low blow extras thrown in.


A.  Three    B.  Wine  C.  False  D.  Beck's  E.  None
 F. Ben Franklin  G.  "There, I"...H.  Thomas Jefferson  I.  Sam Adams  J.  Sally Hemings
 K.  Alexander Hamilton  L.  T-i-c-n-f-d-e-r-g-a  M.  Whiskey  N.  None  O.  Patrick Henry
  P.  True  Q.  "One morning"... R. G.O.T.   S. H. Atoms
_________________________________________

Visual. 17 points.  Which Does Not Belong? Show your twisted reasoning.


A

C






B






D













WORK PROBLEM. CHOOSE ONLY 1. SHOW ALL WORK. DO NOT FIDGET. 5 POINTS ON YOUR LICENSE IF YOU SCREW IT UP.

A.  Global temperatures were 2.3 degrees cooler in 1776 than they are today. One day, Benjamin Franklin left a 12 ounce glass of beer filled to the rim outside in the sun when it was 78 degrees outside. If left untouched all these years, allowing for only 38% spillage and 50% (to make it easy) evaporation, how much time would it take you to consume the remaining beer using an 8 inch straw with a .3 millimeter diameter sucking away at 13 pounds per square meter?


B.  Draw a map of the original 13 colonies. Locate the capitals and draw a continuous line without picking up your pencil through all capitals without crossing over your line. Now, be honest. What do you see when you look at your drawing?

STOP. YOU MAY GO BACK IF THERE IS TIME AND GUESS AGAIN. IF YOU'RE FINISHED, LOOK AT YOUR WEB CAM AND SAY, "OPTION NUMBER  4."

Monday, July 1, 2013

LOSE POUNDS AND INCHES THE EASY WAY

World famous optometrist, Chaz Carmichael, has developed a simple weight and height loss diet that will forever change the way you look and feel. Lose 35 pounds and 7 inches in just 3 months!


Xbelievable: Before and After


Ask yourself: have you been teased about your weight? Do you need to stand on two scales at once?  Are you tired of being called, "Too Tall Jones"? Are you always the first to know when it begins to rain? If you can answer yes to any two of these questions, then read on.

Working in the back of his stores (2 convenient locations in the Phoenix area), Dr. Carmichael spent many years "fine tuning" his amazing discovery all the while grinding eyeglass lenses and secretly changing the letters on his eye charts. Yes, he guarantees that you will see the results you have been searching for or your money back. No bout a doubt it! 

As seen on Good Morning, Nigeria and many other fine programs, Dr. Carmichael's amazing discovery is now available to the general public. Order Dr. Carmichael's super special formula today and begin taking in that waist band and rolling up those pants legs! Just be sure to follow Dr. Carmichael's instructions exactly, especially about where to place the end of the vacuum.

Here's how to order your key to the future right now.

Place four twenty dollar bills in sequential serial number order in an envelope with your address on it. Go to the lost and found department at Phoenix International Airport and find any package with a return address of Juarez, Mexico. Leave the envelope under the white chair in the room, take the package home with you and begin your new life!

Remember, be one of the first 3 callers within the first 30 minutes, or 2 hours, or whenever, and receive absolutely free with your order a pair of Dr. Carmichael's amazing binoculars. The most powerful in the world! The very same ones that let you see "from here to eternity".

...So get ready to shed those pounds, shorten those lower limbs and see the world!