Wednesday, July 23, 2014


Ginger's Country Store and  Bar-B-Que Pit  is pleased to announce their large but limited purchase of  Colonel Frank's Military Strength Bubble Bath Soap. Available in one pound and battalion size 25 pound packages, Colonel Frank's Bubble Bath Soap will be sure to please everyone in your platoon.

At ease. Have you ever stood buck naked in front of your tub, ready to take the plunge, only to know deep down in your gut that your bubble bath just isn't up to snuff? Is your tub smelling of some Martha Stewart floral arrangement? Are your bubbles popping under the slightest friendly fire? Do you find yourself rubbing your skin raw just because the cleaning power of your bubble bath is only fit for civilians that couldn't tell the difference between an M-17 and a Kalashnikov? We feel for you, sister.
I love my Colonel Frank's Bubble Bath
Soap so much, I'm thinking of enlisting!

That's why Colonel Frank's Military Strength Bubble Bath Soap is just what you need. Just one ounce added to your bath, whether at home, catching a little R&R south of the border or out on look out, you'll see, smell and feel the difference just as soon as you dip your big toe into that gorgeous pool of liquid nirvana. Close your eyes and just smell the built in aroma of burning gun powder wafting from the bath. Then, once immersed, feel the soap bubbles, each and every regulation size 22 mm diameter bubble guaranteed to last the life of your bath... even if you're one of those who lies there hour after hour listening to Otis Redding on your ipod.

And don't forget. No ring around the tub when you're keeping company with Colonel Frank. The Colonel's exclusive "take no prisoners" cleansing action reconnoiters, surrounds, and practically nukes each and every grease ball, unaccounted for pubic hair and oily drop of sweat that a soldier like you can produce either out in the field or back on base.

So take advantage of this special offer right now. Drop your weapon, salute the sarge and put out a Mayday for Colonel Frank's Military Strength Bubble Bath Soap. It's what America needs. It's where you want to be.
Colonel Frank's Bubble Bath Soap is
also a favorite with the K-9 Corps.

And, if you order in the next 10 minutes supplying  your name, rank, sharp shooter awards, and an 8 X 10 colored glossy of yourself ready to take the plunge, Ginger may just decide to come over and fix that first bath for you.

FDA RED LABEL WARNING:  Ingestion of Colonel Franks's Military Strength Bubble Bath Soap bubbles may trigger the lethal form of constipation previously only found in wombats, constipationis maximus. There is no cure and do not bother to call Poison Control. Get your affairs in order and take your best outfit to the dry cleaners right now.

Monday, July 14, 2014


Imagine whitening your teeth the same way some of Hollywood's biggest stars do. GSR wants to let you in on their secret. But first, ask yourself these five questions:
  • Are you on the American Dental Association's 'Do Not Treat List'?
  • When you open your mouth are astronomers reminded of a black hole?
  • Are your teeth so yellow, when you open your mouth cars slow down thinking it's a yellow traffic light?
  • Have you spent all of your money with commercial teeth whiteners but to no avail?
  • Do the bristles of your toothbrush dissolve away after only a few days of use?
  • Has your breath been designated a toxic Superfund site?

If you answered yes to all of the above questions, then it's all in
God's hands. But, if you answered no to two or more questions, then there is hope.
"Why"? you may ask. "Especially after I've been clean and sober all these 12 weeks do I need to address this issue?" 

A recent survey in Car and Bar Magazine found that poor oral hygiene is only behind a runny nose and projectile vomiting when it comes to wanting to better oneself. Consider these questions. Do you really want to wait 20 years when the amount of atmospheric carbon dioxide reaches 450 ppm before taking action? Are you prepared to empty out all of Walmart's Oral Hygiene shelves just to score a date? Of course not, comrade.

So here's GSR's Personal Makeover Tip Number 327.
  1. Visit your favorite office supply store and pick up a bottle of Sylvia's Liquid White Up Correction fluid.
  2. Purchase a bottle of Babushka's Nail Hardener Solution at your local pharmacy.
  3. Go home, have a beer or two, and then add seven drops of Babushka's Nail Hardener to Sylvia's Liquid White Up.
  4. Close the screw cap tight and then shake that bottle like your hand was on fire.
  5. Then, stand in front of a mirror and give us that stupid little grin you're famous for.
  6. Open the cap and with the included applicator brush begin applying the solution to all of your remaining teeth.
  7. To allow the solution to dry thoroughly, we suggest you count to 5,345 backwards before closing your mouth. 
    Remember: Tip #326 also works
    for your pets

Reapply every 437 days or before you become psychotic, whichever comes first.
Future Makeover Tips include:
Number 327. Turn your smelly feet into your best friends.
Number 328. Use those fingernail clippings for that special holiday garnish.
Number 329. Eliminating nasal hair with only a single lit match.

FDA RED LABEL WARNING: Spilling just a few drops of Babushka's Nail Hardener on one's Johnson requires prompt medical attention. Until  help arrives, immediately immerse the boner in Chan's Old Fashioned Duck Sauce. Remember, seconds count!

Monday, July 7, 2014


In a surprising act of political openness, Hillary Clinton twittered yesterday the future disposition of her daughter, Chelsea and her husband, ex-president Bill Clinton, once Mrs. Clinton is to become president. Chelsea Clinton graduated mangia cum latte from Slippery Rock University and received a master's certification in Northern Italian Cooking. Pending Congressional approval, she will become Ambassador to Italy, Little Italy and Papa John's.
Her husband has been told to pack his bags and get ready for an eight year stint as ambassador to Easter Island. Although no one on Easter Island has ever heard of the internet, karaoke, Happy Hour or Monica Lewinsky, Bill has been assured that he will have open access to the oval office whenever the mail plane finds its way back the island.
Chelsea refuses to switch ambassadorships, but
Bill continues to press the point.

"Chelsea has always been the brains behind my policy initiatives while I was Secretary of State. I can't think of another individual with more impressive qualifications necessary to carry out this important assignment," twittered Mrs. Clinton. Editor's Note: Certain rock stars, hedge fund managers and all around hotties are allowed to go beyond the 140 character limitation that most of us have to deal with. Unfair!

When GSR asked Chelsea Clinton's people how she felt about the appointment, her people put out the following statement. "Chelsea feels that this is the perfect job for her. It brings together many of her finest attributes: a smattering of the Italian language, her love of anything papal and a strong desire to bring northern Italian cooking back to network television."
Waiting for Ambassador Clinton.

However, experts disagree how easy it will be for Hilary to get her husband's nomination as ambassador to Easter Island through the tough vetting process. Traditionally, the post has gone to ax murderers, Kim Kardashian look-a-likes or stowaways. However, with a native female to giant stone monolith ratio of 3 to 1, members of the House and Garden subcommittee on Lascivious Appointments may be hesitant to approve the nomination.

"It was tough at first," said Mrs. Clinton, "to convince Bill that Easter Island was where he would help me the most. True, you're essentially cut off from the outside world save for an anchovy boat that makes its way to the island about every seven months. And yes, baked albatross is the national dish. But, when I told him La Nina was predicted to make landfall, he rose to the occasion as he always does. He'd also like to meet La Nina's mom."