Monday, January 27, 2014

ICE CUBE NUMBERS PLUMMET FOR 5TH STRAIGHT YEAR. GLOBAL WARMING BLAMED.

Many of the effects of global warming are well known. The decline of species, the reduced demand for woolen socks and the fact that less time is now needed when rubbing two sticks together to make a fire, have all been documented. Many of these effects can be called nuisances but certainly not something to jump off the Tallahassee Bridge about. However, two years ago, rumors began to spread at the annual meeting of the Refrigerator and Air Conditioner Slick Talking Salesmen's Association that something was rotten in Iceland.
“I first saw it in our test kitchen," said Rita Bonita, product engineer for GED refrigerators. "Our ice cube production numbers per unit was slipping month by month. After testing every component we decided to take an cube count, and sure enough, there were 3.5% less ice cubes per unit and the ice cubes were 8.6% smaller in volume than 2001. Additional findings at our Fairbanks, Alaska Outdoor Refrigerator and Frozen Nipples Testing Facility (ORFNTF) showed the problem to be global warming.

U.N. Powerpoint Slide #1




GSR has learned that steps are now being taken by the United Nations and ShopRite to assess the situation and try to find a solution. A special G-5 Ice Cube Summit is being planned for May, 2014.






U.N. Powerpoint Slide # 4




This is a very disturbing finding," said Glenn R. Bumpercrop, my 9th grade biology teacher. “My estimate is that we have 5 years to reverse this phenomenon or it will be the beginning of the end of mostly the mid-way point which is half way down the block from the starting point but mostly up and down approaching infinity. Once ice cube numbers fall below species maintenance levels, we won't see their likes again for another 1000 years. As well, with only juvenile ice cubes available in the future, ice cube sexual maturity is bound to be lowered. Thus setting the stage for lawlessness, kitchen drudgery and many, many unwanted baby ice cubes. The outcome of all this may lead to the dreaded "freezer burn syndrome - a slow and chronic wasting away of any freezer food, especially chicken thighs, purchased before 2009."

When GSR interrupted Mr. Bumpercrop to tell him that ice cubes weren't really living things, just water frozen into a solid state, and that it really wasn't the end of the world if we didn't have ice cubes, he got very angry and made us sit at our desks without talking until class ended. Not cool.

***************************************
As a public service, GSR  would like to offer some ways in which you can help:
  1. Join a local Save The Ice Cube Club in your area.
  2. Keep your freezer door closed when not in use cooling your panties.
  3. Purchase only certified, range free, organically made ice cubes.
  4. Finished with your drink? Just slip your remaining ice cubes into the person's glass next to you when they're not looking.
  5. Start a petition to outlaw Zambonis.
  6. Keep all your thermostats below 30 degrees Fahrenheit.
  7. Date an Eskimo.
  8. Report any suspicious looking ice picks to Homeland Freezer Security .
  9. Make a donation to Doctor's Without Cubes.

Monday, January 20, 2014

GOVERNOR CHRISTIE, IN ANOTHER MEA CULPA, WILL TAKE FORT LEE RESIDENTS OUT TO LUNCH

Even after his two hour news conference and his State of the State speech, Governor Christie has decided to reach out once again and apologize to the people of Fort Lee. Standing on the steps of Fort Lee's Thruway Diner, the Governor has promised to begin taking every resident of Fort Lee out to lunch, four at a time, beginning February 1. Those detained in the long lines of traffic will also either have a rest stop on the New Jersey Turnpike named after them or be nominated as Governor Christie 's Vice Presidential running mate for 2016. The governor's non-gender spokesperson, Mabel Able made the following announcement:

The Aaron family, patiently waiting
for the governor at the diner.
 "Let me say that I had nothing to do with ordering the lane closures on the George Washington Bridge. All those  traffic cones. Deep carrot orange is just not my color. As well, some of my best friends are pro-abortion, anti-creationist, Affordable Care Act, tax the rich, stop the war, liberal to a fault, support the middle class, help the poor, bleeding heart, democrats. Getting back to this lunch thing, well, you know how the governor likes to break bread, lots of it. So, the governor has reserved table 27 of the Thruway Diner for the next 24.782 years and will treat every Fort Lee resident to lunch, alphabetically. The guests will choose from the lunch menu and no doggie bags, please. Because he's paying, the governor will be ordering from the full menu and every Friday when the soup special is split pea, taking two orders to go with extra croutons. Also, he likes to leave with a full bread basket."

GSR is reporting that Zeke and Zeidi Zogowitz and their two children, twelve year old Ziploch (from the ancient Hebrew, "if only Noah had some of these") and nine year old Zuwaha (from the Swahili, "the cows are dead in the north pasture") of 58 Zebediah Lane, Fort Lee, have decided to decline the governor's kind invitation and have made their own reservations at Applebee's for Tuesday, August 7, 2048 at 6:00 pm.


Monday, January 13, 2014

POST OFFICE TO RAISE POSTAGE COST WITH NEW FLEETING STAMP

Long in debt and short in any good recipes for chicken piccata, the United States Postal Service announced yet another increase in the cost of first class mail. In what is being called an insane and psychotic move (why else would Goat Soup Radio cover the story?) the "Forever" stamp will be replaced by its newer counterpart, the "Fleeting" stamp in October 2014. Details are sketchy but it appears that the value of the stamp, beginning at $.52, will only be good for 44 seconds from the time that the clerk hands the stamps to the purchaser. Thereafter, the stamp will automatically go down in value (or depreciate in value if you went to community college) at the rate of $.03 per hour. Each Fleeting stamp will be electronically coded to reduce in value whether part of a sheet of stamps, in its book, sitting alone in some dark, smelly wallet or having been lovingly licked on to an envelope by some unsuspecting wet tongueOnce my brother figures out how many hours it will take for the stamp to be totally worthless (calculus, bottle caps, stick figures?) the answer will be made public.


Mailing a letter? Be thorough, be smart
 but most of all, be quick

In a move that the Post Office says has nothing to do with the Fleeting stamp announcement, all mailboxes will be relocated by September 2014 to a minimum 2,000 feet from any post office, street intersection or place of human habitation. As well, due to global warming, all mailboxes will be raised a minimum eight feet off the ground.

To make up for years of free-wheeling, fiscal foolishness, the Post Office will now require any money owed due to incorrect postage to be paid back in blood - and not the fake stuff, either. Each post office will soon be equipped with knives, gauze pads and hospital bed pans for the collection and storage of what is anticipated to become a "money in the bank" side line for the Post Office. Larger post office centers will also be equipped with leeches for those that owe less than a dollar. A doctor's note won't help.


Example of stamp used 8.5 hours after purchase.

Gost Soup Radio spoke with Economics Professor Drupe Penobscot of the State University of North Central Piggy Banks. Dr. Penobscot, a highly paid consultant to the United States Postal Service, gave GSR a $20 gift certificate for Starbucks, a Los Angeles Dodgers key chain and the following comment: "the Fleeting stamp is good for the Post Office, good for the American public and, most importantly, good for nothing after 12 hours."


So to supper, and thence after prayers to bed.
                     - Samuel Pepys  (23 February 1633 - 26 May 1703)



Thursday, January 2, 2014

MILEY CYRUS STALKER ARRESTED

Pop singing sensation Miley Cyrus can breathe a little easier as an alleged stalker has been put behind bars. The 13 month old unemployed Venus fly-trap was arrested last week in Hayward County, Florida, according to Botanical Gossip Magazine.

"We usually report about seasonal changes in the weather, outdated seed packages and the occasional middle age cougar running after her gardener,"  said assistant editor Mike Monocot. "But with this story and Miley on the cover, we've tripled our subscription base, changed our name to BG Magazine and we'll be inaugurating a BG Plantmate of the Month centerfold beginning with a Hot Red Asiatic Lily in the up-coming February issue."

If you can't do the time, don't do the crime.

 The Hayward County Sheriff's office released the following statement. "The Venus fly-trap was stopped by private security guards outside the walled compound of Miley Cyrus's home, acting in a highly irregular manner. The guards held the suspicious meat eating plant in tiny stemcuffs until police could arrive. The alleged perpetrator did not resist arrest, nor did it say anything, come to think of it."

The plant is accused of trying to make contact with Miley Cyrus several times.When it was arrested, the police found a letter it had written to Ms. Cyrus's business manager, Hey Abbott. In it, the alleged stalker asks that "the love of my life feed me a juicy house fly, twice daily, by placing it directly on my sensitive but firm trigger hairs." EDITOR'S NOTE: The steamy, botanically pornographic letter goes on for two more pages but Goat Soup Radio, having been warned before by the FCC to "cease and desist with all the T and A stuff", has decided not to publish the fly-traps creative rantings. Of course, anyone is welcome to come by the office and, for a small fee, get their greasy little hands on the letter.

The Venus fly-trap has been identified as Dion Muscipula of Deadman's Bog, North Carolina He is being held on $25,000 bond pending his day in Crop Rotation Court. For jailed plants it's one hour of sunlight per day and one 4 oz. spray of water every other day. Packages brought into the jail by visitors will be screened for fertilizer, trowels and seed catalogues. Conjugal visits for the purpose of pollination are strictly forbidden.

Question:  How did Mr. Muscipula fall so far from grace? We at Goat Soup Radio really didn't want to know, nor did we care. But, with Sally's Bar and Famous Tacos not opening for another two hours, we decided to investigate the dark secrets behind this craven Venus fly-trap, this interloper from hell.

**************************************

But first, a word from our sponsor.
From our farm to your kitchen. It just
doesn't get any easier. And delicious!
Comrade, when you wake up in the afternoon and have that insatiable craving for ham and eggs, do you crawl back into bed not wanting to go through all the trouble of pulling the eggs out from the fridge, only to discover that you're out ham? Well, worry no more.
Cripple Creek Farm Ham and Eggs Eggs are the first genetically modified eggs (GME's) to have the ham already in the egg! How do we do it, you may ask? We're not going to tell you. But, let's just say, we've found the perfect combination of  horny rooster, hot looking female pig, soft lights, romantic music and that down home apple-pie-in-the-oven smell. No safe sex going on in this pig pen, comrade! Put it all together and you're entrepreneur of the year. So, next time someone asks if you're out of ham, you just hand them a couple of Cripple Creek Farm Ham and Eggs Eggs
And don't forget. Real cowgirls don't eat raisin bran.

*****************************************

And now, back to the thrilling conclusion of, "Miley Cyrus Stalker Arrested," which is already in progress.

Jimmy Jones, cub detective: "I still don't get it, lieutenant. How did you know it was Dion?"

Vic Karp, detective:  It wasn't easy, Jimmy. But, after you've sent as many plants up the river as I have, it just comes natural. Like always knowing which end of my beer bottle is up."

Jimmy Jones: "Gosh, lieutenant. What gave it away?"

Vic Karp:  "Jimmy, did you ever notice how Dion's stalk never quite fit in with the other Venus fly-trap stalks?"

Jimmy Jones:  "So the stalker's stalk showed some serious subtleties of sexual subterfuge?"

Vic Karp:  "Jimmy, I'm beginning to see those freckles of yours are not just for decoration."

MUSIC IN. 
CAMERA PULLS BACK SLOWLY. 
FADE OUT.


THE END