Tuesday, December 30, 2014


Obama To Convene "Super Economist Group".
Goldman Sacks 'O Money Begins Charging For Meals In Company Cafeteria.

The Marini Clipper Index, one of the most internationally recognized barometers of the health of the American economy took a big hit today. With its uncanny ability to describe the dollar's value (past, present and future) with great accuracy and human pathos, the Index is also known to be 99.95% immune against falsehoods, flubs, flops, fallacies, falsettos, falsies and flatulence. Today's announcement of its near total collapse appears to have quartered the yen, diced the euro and grated the British pound quicker than you can freeze a bunch of screaming, kicking earthworms by sticking them in your kitchen freezer right next to your favorite bottle of chilled vodka.

Since its creation in 1934 when Professor Marini Pannini of Yale University's School of Neat Rope Tricks first published his groundbreaking solution to the Six Mallomars on a Train Problem, the Marini Clipper Economic Index has been the cornerstone of nearly every economic decision that the Federal Reserve, the U.S. Treasury Department and Gooch's All Night Towing Service have made.

Marini Clipper Economic Index
takes a dive. Is anything safe

Editor's Note: To fully understand the Marini Clipper Economic Index, the following information has been lifted, without permission, from the award winning documentary "Advancing Our Cause: The Nail Clipper, the Great Depression and Me". 

Often, big ideas start with an idea that just gets bigger. So it was with Dr. Fred Munckshoe, the only podiatrist in I Liked It Better When We Were a Territory, Idaho. It was April 16, 1932 when Dr. Munkshoe broke his only nail clipper on Little Sam Harden's left big toenail. Needing a replacement, the good doctor bought a new nail clipper from his supplier who then sent Dr. Muckshoe a thank you note. Fast forward one week (leaving out for the moment Dr. Muckshoe's strange dalliance with the widow Kitteridge, 20 years his senior and seven inches taller) Dr. Muckshoe came to a really ridiculous conclusion. "Suppose," he says, "that if more people ordered even more nail clippers, well then, wouldn't even more people become happy with their lot in life? Wouldn't that just be swell for the entire nation?"

This was his great spark of genius, his epiphany, and his gesundheit all rolled up into one big cheese gnocchi. "All I have to do", he said, "was count the number of nail clippers purchased nationwide, divide by something or other and thus have a single arithmetic value of America's economic strength. Why didn't I think of it when I still had my license?"

The final scene in the documentary shows Dr. Muckshoe driving north to Yale University (he mistakenly thought Yale was in Billings, Montana) to convince the famous professor, Marini Pannini, that the Great Depression could be overcome by putting more nail clippers into the hands of America's downtrodden and unemployed. Thankfully, the documentary ends with the evil Professor Pannini being hauled off to jail after having stuffed Dr. Munkshoe, his nail clippers and poor Mrs. Kitteridge into a trunk and mailing them all off to Where's My Next Beer Coming From, Australia.

What does all this have to do with the price of a half dozen hot wings at Sally's Cantina and U.S. Post Office Substation? We don't know. But the next time you visit Norway and have to exchange American dollars for Norweigian ikeas (or whatever they use there) you can thank "Too Tall" Kitteridge for all those crisp 500 Norweigian bills you have in your pocket.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014


Let's be real. You're standing in the wings of the Kennedy Center in Washington D.C, waiting to accept your lifetime achievement award for always finishing the beer in front of you before beginning another. And you're just one half mile from where one of our greatest presidents, Richard Milhous Nixon got us out of Vietnam, opened China, ended the draft, established the EPA, signed Title IX, thus ending gender bias in colleges and universities, established American Indian tribal self determination, participated in the Strategic Arms Limitation Talks, signed the Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaty, supported a military coup against Chilean Marxist President Salvador Allende, actively supported Israel during the Yom Kippur War and sank millions and millions of dollars into the war against cancer. Need I go on?

Anyway, there you are about to walk onstage and be handed your hard earned award from some six foot two inch red haired super uber model (born in some Alpine country somewhere) who's wearing nothing but two pieces of dental floss and seven inch black stilettos with the leather straps that go up the ankles when you feel the mother of all sneezes coming on.

Here are your choices:
  1. Just let it happen and probably sneeze all over the hottest girl you've ever been within two miles of.
  2. Try to hold it in and walk on stage, mouth open, face and upper body clenched tight, eyes almost shut, breathing rapidly and not able to speak or think.
  3. Run out of there, go back to Phoenix, live your sorry life unrecognized for anything, gain 30 pounds, become hypertensive and die in the men's room of Sally's Taco and Beer Cantina.
  4. Or... you can take just one Qwik-Sneeze tablet, sneeze before anyone notices, go onstage, get your award, lock lips with Francesca, go back to Phoenix and never feel embarrassed about falling off a bar stool again.
Even sneezing and praying at the same time won't
help. Clint could use a Qwik-Sneeze.
The choice is easy and the one and only brand you can trust is Flim Flam Phlegm Pharmaceutical's Qwik-Sneeze. Since 2012, Qwik-Sneeze has been there for people that are just too loud and too gross when they have to let out that big sneeze.

Look, if you're going to sneeze why not control it before it controls you? Why not get ahead of the game and take a Qwik-Sneeze when needed and quickly and quietly sneeze into your shirtsleeve, your sandwich or your friend's sandwich? Really, don't you draw enough attention to yourself in life already with your B.O., your hairy ears and your nail biting?  Also, do you think it's fun for someone else having to count Mississippis while waiting for your latent sneeze to appear so they can say "Gesundheit" and move on?

Editor's Note:  Ever since Popovich's 1972 groundbreaking study showing that a sneeze is equal to 1/10 of an orgasm, people have been seeking the holy grail of medicine: the constant, unremitting sneezing pill. Now, with Qwik-Sneeze, as long as you are into quickies, you're set for life!

And now it's easy. Qwik-Sneeze is available in both tablet and gel capsule form. Are you one of those who find it difficult swallowing pills and capsules? Qwik-Sneeze is now available in our patented easy-to-swallow faux raw clam gelatinous glop.

FDA Red Label Warning.
The effect of taking more than five Qwik-Sneeze units in a single 24-hour period has not been established, However, should you find yourself one day sneezing uncontrollably, slobbering all over your friends and causing wide spread outbreaks of the flu in cities you've never been to, then follow these simple rules:

  1. Take a long hot shower.
  2. Bring your best outfit to the dry cleaners.
  3. Shine your shoes.
  4. Purchase the largest bread you can find that comes in its own plastic bag, remove the bread and get into the bag.
  5. Wait for The End. A good drink or two is permissible as well as sex (if available).