Saturday, September 27, 2014



After three hours of intense debate, the House of Representatives narrowly passed the American Turkey Reprieve Bill (HR No. BIRD-485). Perched high above the steps of the Capitol, Representative Warren G. Breastbone made the historic announcement. "Between those who wanted to stuff themselves each Thanksgiving with turkey and those that wanted to give all turkeys the right to a long and prosperous life, a compromise has been reached. By moving the holiday to January, turkeys from coast to coast will have an additional two months to kick around the barnyard, grow fat with their friends and family and live long enough to find out who won the Superbowl. Some may say that two months is just not enough but we must keep in mind that a turkey year is the same as 18 human years.... I think. Once the National Cranberry Sauce Association signs on, we think it'll fly."

It may be too late here for Fred but we're
sure he's smiling down from avian heaven.

Snood Wattle, spokesperson for Turkeys Have Rights And Souls, Hombre (THRASH) put out the following statement:  "A simple presidential pardon of just one turkey each year by the president was unacceptable. Why should that one pardoned turkey carry all that guilt? Let the word go forth from this time and place that each and every turkey deserves his or her share of the American sweet potato pie."

Baste University recently polled 1,246 turkeys and asked if they preferred the extra two months of life or would they rather be electrocuted, decapitated, plucked and frozen for the traditional November date. By a margin of 1,242 to 3, the preference was to wait until January. One turkey wasn't home and three turkeys liked the fact that Thanksgiving fell on the last Thursday in November and said they couldn't wait to become tomorrow's leftovers. 
Editor's Note: These three suicidal birds have since received intensive psychological help and are now doing much better except for the occasional quack. The one non respondent turkey came home Tuesday and has since found a job at Whole Foods collecting shopping carts in the parking lot.

Goat Soup Radio has obtained through the Freedom of Giblet Act, the previously double secret hidden political  platform of THRASH and is presenting it here for your listening pleasure.

  1. Every turkey deserves to live a long and fruitful life regardless of how juicy its breast meat is.
  2. Shoved into a turkey's breast, those sharp, pointy pop up turkey timers represent a form of cruel and unusual punishment and should be replaced by non invasive digital scanning thermometers.
  3. Gay. lesbian and transgender turkeys should be allowed to add their significant other onto their health insurance plan.
  4. People should be made aware that saying that someone has a turkey neck is a compliment and not a derisive comment.
  5. Over 10 million turkey wishbones are snatched from turkeys annually and maliciously torn apart. The federal government should immediately begin work on creating the world's first sure-grip stem cell wishbone.
  6. Roasting turns the skin of a turkey golden brown which can cause premature age spots (the dreaded turkey freckleiasis). Before placing the turkey in the oven, only apply butter or oil to the turkey skin with an SPF14 rating or higher. 
  7. Most turkeys do not stay in school past the eighth grade. All turkeys should be encouraged to graduate on time. 
  8. Congress should pass the Free Range Turkey Bill permitting turkeys to travel throughout the United States and Canada without the threat of being mistaken for an ostrich and shot.
  9. Turkey pot pies are primitive, vestigial hold outs from 18th century American colonial recipes at their worst and should be immediately outlawed under penalty of no less than three days of painful pernicious public pubic pecking.
  10. Eat a leg, plant a leg. Turkeys once roamed the Americas in the millions. Sadly, their numbers have dwindled. After finishing that moist, meaty turkey leg, go out to the garden, plant the uneaten leg at least six inches below ground, water carefully and help fill the skies once again with that American of all birds.
  11. Eleven? You try to write one of these. 
RIGHT: I wish I was 6 inches taller and had a smaller forehead.
LEFT:  I wish I could find someone else to date besides this mellon head.

Saturday, September 6, 2014


Yesterday, Hollywood's 'D', 'E' and 'F' list paid their final respects to Clair Voyant, one of the most powerful figures in movies, television and Greek oracles. Known in the trade as an-expensive-know-it-all-before-it-happens, Ms. Voyant, Ouija to her friends, epitomized the typical Hollywood story.

Growing up under her parents kitchen sink in I Liked Being a Territory, Idaho and never seeing a can opener until she was 12, Ms. Voyant could only picture in her mind what it would be like to run through a school playground, the air whistling through her hair and not hitting her head on a drain pipe. But I digress.
No car? Just call us up. Note
official Clair's uniform and cap.

After making her way west in the back of a cabbage truck, Clair knew she'd score big.Time and time again she was able to pick Hollywood's winners and losers: the movies, the stars, the boob jobs, the elevated shoes. It was said that for $500, Clair would choose for you the right movie project, tomorrow's wardrobe and your next colonoscopy. 

Pinching her pennies and many a cheek among Hollywood's glitterati, Clair opened her first fortune telling storefront. One store became five and soon, Clair's House of Clairvoyance became one of the most successful franchises around. With over 650 storefront fortune tellers, many with Clair's exclusive Read Your Palm drive-through windows, Clair Voyant made her fortune. Famous for creating the concept of  "super-timing"  one's session from the regular 20 minutes to an extra large 50 minutes of predictions, prognostications and pure nonsense, Clair's House of Clairvoyance left her competition far behind.

Taken right from the prospectus of Clair's House of Clairvoyance, here are seven reasons why you should become an owner of one of the fastest growing franchises in the world.

  1. Be your own boss, set your own hours and find out how to fleece anyone.
  2. Learn how to levitate, walk on the ceiling and make howling, creepy sounds just by pulling on your ear lobe.
  3. Make new friends with dead people.
  4. Become really good at shaking tables without anyone seeing you do it.
  5. Once you get the hang of teleporting your mind, you'll never loose a sock again.
  6. By always having to keep the room dark, you'll cut your monthly utility bills in half.
  7. Ready to retire? Drill three holes into your crystal ball and take up bowling.
Still not convinced that Clair's House of Clairvoyance isn't the best investment you could make? Go ask someone at McDonald's if you should put all your money into Balkan organic clam farming and see what kind of an answer you get.

Hesitant? Listen to Clair (from Beyond) and know that you're making the right decision. 

"Comrade, Are you tired of working in a dead end job when you could be working with dead people, not to mention a beloved dead pet once in a while? Haven't you had your fill of bending over every time the boss comes around when you could be bending forks and spoons just by thinking it? But let's be really honest. It's not the money, is it? We both know it's the power! Here I am standing right behind you, whispering in your ear and I'm dead. True, you're an idiot. But isn't that the point? Comrade, let me make you rich!"