Monday, October 28, 2013


Moving into its 12th day, the standoff between National Park Rangers and the flora and fauna of Glacier National Park continued with no end in sight. As the government shutdown came to an end October 16 and federal workers headed back to their jobs, the park rangers assigned to the million plus acres of Glacier National Park in Montana were met with a big surprise.

Standing, sitting, flying, soaring or just planted, 28 representatives of the more than 20,000 species of plants, animals and insects living in Glacier National Park would not allow the rangers entry. Holding placards reading, "The Best 13 Days of Our Lives", "Give Us a Little Peace and Quiet", and "Pure Nature 24/7", while others simply held their ground roaring, crying, screeching, howling or buzzing.
"We were here first and
we know our rights."

When told to let the rangers pass, elected spokesanimal, Theodore "Chick" Owlsey III, had this to say,
"Sorry guys, we're not budging. These past two weeks, it was quiet and peaceful. No one staring at us while we pooped, no car pollution, no loud radios and no one standing over our shoulder looking to see what we're up to. So, we're taking back the park. We don't need your human fiddling in our affairs. Now just leave us alone and go back to your cities. That's all we have to say."

Faced with such opposition, the rangers have set up a negotiation team that has been trying to talk to the denizens of Glacier National Park in the hope of reaching a compromise. However, the protesters have dug in their hoofs, roots, talons, claws, legs and fins and show no sign of giving in. Taking turns at the various entryways into the park, the protesters seem to be in it for the long haul. Food is plentiful, spirits are high and as the park reverts to it's natural state without human intervention it will become more and more difficult for the rangers to search for the ring leaders.
The 5 day old turtle naval blockade.

"Our greatest fear is that other parks hear of this and join the standoff in sympathy", said Interior Department spokesperson, Robert Hume Ann. "To be honest," he said, "we didn't fight the Indians to give it all back to a couple of nature loving trout, The Secretary of the Interior will allow negotiations to go on for so long and then we will take back the park using any means necessary."

GSR's nature correspondent and one time contestant on Wheel of Fortune, Pesca Torre, secretly gained access to the park in the guise of  a wild turnip on October 20. She reported, "Steve, it's very organized in here. You can't go five feet without some Western Mountain Tree Frog asking to see ID. Thousands of worker honey bees have taken to the air. They've made the entire sky above Glacier Park a "no fly zone", save for emergency bald eagles doing reconnaissance and flying squirrels delivering food to the protesters. Great White Owls and deer stand night watch and fire ants are ready to march at a moments notice."
"We've taken back the park from the
Man and now it's ours"

As the protesters faced off with the big brained brutish bipeds, tempers have frayed. Unconfirmed reports have it that one ranger at the main gate suddenly tore off his clothes and ran into the park, flailing his arms and yelling, "I'm with you, my little friends." He was last seen on all fours collecting acorns in preparation for winter hibernation.

Monday, October 21, 2013


Happy to return, the First Family quietly slipped back into D.C. this morning after having spent the past 8 days and 7 nights at KIm's Bed and Breakfast in Falls Church, Virginia. 
"We had a pleasant stay," quipped the president. "Although, one night you're in the White House sleeping in Abe Lincoln's bed and the next night you're in a twin size roll around with Magic Fingers. We made due, although you sure run out of quarters real fast."
 In what was a great embarrassment for the Obama administration, the First Family had to move out of the White House due to the recent government shutdown. Although the president would work at the White house during the day, he returned to their temporary residence in Falls Church each evening.

Returning to the White House.
Bigger beds and better roomservice

The Obama's were forced to leave their personal quarters in the White House because of a little known law enacted after the last government shutdown during the Clinton administration. It seems that many in Congress wanted the executive branch to be more responsive to this fiscal debacle. And so, a bill was passed calling for the First Family to move out of the White House within 6 days of a government shutdown. It was signed by President Clinton only after Congress agreed to add 8 more female interns to his White House staff.

And so, on October 6, the First Family and an entourage of 34 vacated their living quarters in the White House while shipping Malia and Sasha's goldfish to the National Aquarium for safe keeping.

A family torn apart.

In an exclusive interview with Goat Soup Radio's White House Correspondent, Trudy Spatudy, Michelle Obama recalled the events of the last 13 days. "We knew the deadline was fast approaching when we would have to leave. Barack was talking about going back to Martha’s Vineyard. Just what does he think I’m going to do on such a tiny island with twelve golf courses and no Target? And, I am such a ninny, I began making phone calls about 10:00 Tuesday night; right after the food tasters okayed the chocolate pudding. We must have called every hotel between here and Richmond. However, as soon as we mentioned the word dog they'd give us the old heave ho...does anyone say heave ho, anymore? Well, we weren't going to leave Sasha and Malia's dog, Bo behind, that's for sure. Oprah suggested Kim's Bed and Breakfast in Falls Church. Their ad said they were both dog and Secret Service friendly. Finally, a roof over our heads."

Confirming this fantastic story was White House non-gender spokesperson, Esther Lester. "The president, his family, Bo and an entourage of 34 left the White House living quarters approximately 6:00 pm on October 13 for Kim's Bed and Breakfast. Kim did promise to repair the treadmill and tell the gardener not to begin mowing before 9:00 am."

It was October 1, 1832 when President Andrew Jackson and his family also had to leave the White House at a moment's notice. Historians tell us that a herd of goats in Lafayette Park, protesting better grazing conditions (yes, they were ahead of their time) soon became agitated. They quickly began racing across the street and through the front facade of the White House. Caught unawares, Old Hickory grabbed his dueling pistol but it was too late. The grumpy, grouchy, garrulous, goats gnashed and grated most of the first floor before stopping in the Rose Garden for group pictures. It’s said that every year at the stroke of midnight on Andrew Jackson's birthday, if you listen real hard and are really wasted, you can hear the sound of goats racing through the White House, even if you're in Boise at the time.

Caught: grabbing a few
muffins for the room.
After tea and goat cheese calzones all around, Mrs. Obama continued.  ”Luckily, the Presidential Suite was available. We were all excited about that. It's just that once we got there, turns out the only thing different about it was that we had one of those metal safety bars next to our toilet and the other rooms didn't. Also, a National Security briefing said that you have to get downstairs real early to get the muffins with the most blueberries in them. It's always something. So now, every morning Barack is up at the crack of dawn, turning on the lights, quickly getting dressed, brushing his teeth with that noisy electric toothbrush of his and then racing downstairs to beat the Joint Chiefs to the front of the line. Damn Republicans."


5 points each. Show all work. You have one hour. Begin.

In paragraph 4, what breed of dog is Bo?
A.  Portuguese Man Of War
B.  Portuguese Water Dog
C.  Portuguese dining al fresco
D.  Hey. you Portuguese pants, now you gotta wear a 'dese pants

In paragraph 3, the underlined word Old Hickory refers to:

A. Your girlfriend's first attempt at Chinese spare ribs
B.  Hickory Dickory Doc's grandmother
C.  An erection lasting more than 4 hours necessitating
      either a trip to the ER or to Miley Cirus
D.  Andrew Jackson

In paragraph 4, Mrs. Obama uses the underlined word, Republicans. What is her intent here?

A.  Teach them to spell America
B.  Bring back the guillotine
C.  Turn them into sniveling dung beetles
D.  All of the above, especially B.

If you were Esther Lester, would you:

A.  Clean up your desk and tone down the makeup
B.  Stop seeing Chris for the umpteenth time
C.  Jump ship and work for Hillary
D.  Just jump ship

Monday, October 14, 2013


Nit (R) and Pick (L). Now in the
Hosiery Protection Program.
We are a small but growing group of volunteers spread throughout the United States and Texas that look to help and, if necessary, rescue, smelly and worn out socks. We are dedicated to having them washed, repaired, brought back together with their matching partner, or finding them a new home altogether.
 Note: In certain special circumstances we will occasionally buy the sock(s) from the owner, but only in accordance with international laws dealing with worn and smelly sock trafficking.

In addition, we educate the public through handouts, lectures, social media, skywriting and fake socknappings (don't tell anyone). We are not a 501c charity registered with the IRS so we can spend lavishly on personal gifts, sexual escapades and all the beer we can drink.

  • 1 in 10 socks that are worn and smelly won't make it to their 1st birthday.
    Yes, we help even the little ones.
  • Today, darning surgery has a 98% success rate.
  • We have volunteers throughout the world.
  • If you possess worn and smelly socks there is a support group near you.
  • The Center for Diseased Sock Control (CDSC) estimates that every minute 78 socks are stabbed and punctured by big ugly toenails.
  • Become a community volunteer.
  • A smelly sock is just looking for the right guidance.

Just a short hop to freedom.

Hic (bottom of pic)) and Cup (top of pic) were the envy of all the other hosiery in the drawer. But, after 5 months of constant wear and warm water washings, they just weren't themselves anymore.
But, we ask, did they deserve to be thrown away, or worse, turned into some under-the- sink rag? The Worn and Smelly Socks Rescue Alliance doesn't think so. We say, Hic and Cup deserve better; to spend their last days together, to be taken care of and to live their last years with dignity.

WON'T YOU HELP HIC AND CUP? For a monthly donation of just $14.95, Hic and Cup will receive weekly cold water washes, priority seating in the sock drawer and unlimited darning. As well, you will receive periodic updates on how Hic and Cup are doing, along with any lint that the two retirees might shed.

So get out your credit card and fill in the donation form at the bottom of this page. However, if you later find that all of your money in all of your bank accounts have been sent to a Yuri Gratozny in Uzbekistan, and that your credit history is now for shit, please understand that it is just a clerical error and we will get right on it.


Monday, October 7, 2013


The only living president pictured
on United States currency 
Former President of the United States, Ulysses S. Grant has come out of seclusion to speak to the American public. Through a highly unusual interview process, the famous ex-president, 191, exchanged written answers to questions posed to him by GSR’s political reporter, Russ Tic Potatoes. Over a two week period, Mr. Potatoes would place his written questions in the president’s mail box between 6:00 and 7:00 pm and then would return after midnight to pick up the president's handwritten answers.
The now famous mailbox standing alongside its neighbors.
Listener's may recall that it was last spring when Mr. Potatoes broke the biggest political story of the year regarding President Nixon's decision to run in 2016. See our story April 18.

In an effort to confirm that it was, in fact, President Grant, GSR gave his written responses to three outside (who in their right mind would want to work for us) handwriting experts. These experts, all in agreement, stated that "there would be a snowball's chance in hell" that these were the handwritten answers of our 18th president. With no one at Goat Soup Radio ever having taken a statistics course (or a driver's ed course for that matter) it was put to a vote by the staff. 14 hands up in the air said the letters were written by Grant, seven felt they were fakes. It would have been eight but Carlos, our engineer, lost his right hand in a terrible fruit blender accident last year in our kitchen. Thank God he's off the books and it's only a seven hour drive to Tijuana General.

Grant's loom, not tomb.
 Grant, the J.D. Salinger of the 19th, 20th and 21stcenturies has been living the quiet life in southeastern, Massachusetts. His exact whereabouts have been a well guarded secret with the Secret Service keeping prying eyes far away. Recently, however,  the president's comely 18th  wife, 45 year old Maddy Solzhenitsyn-Grant, has been seen walking around the quiet town of Maple, Massachusetts doing her weekly errands, always making sure to stop by Warren’s Smoke Shop to purchase the president’s favorite  stogies. Apparantly, once you've lived beyond about 125 years, a couple of stogies a day ain't going to kill you.

Goat Soup radio is planing a five part series of the former president's views. For now, a short synopsis of his current doings is offered here for the first time.

Our first series of questions asked the president what he's been up to all these years. GSR can report that he has kept himself very busy since the turn of the 19th century. Working out of a small office in Akron, Ohio, the president made a nice living for himself in the hat business. Stove pipe hats, tops hats, and derbys were just some of his best sellers. "Unfortunately," the president wrote, "the hat business went the way of disco and I was out of a job by 1938. I thought of retiring and waiting for Medicare but that wouldn't be for another 27 years. Then, one day my ninth wife, Brinda, was sewing my pants when I had the inspiration to replace one of the pants legs with a wholly different material and color. It was brilliant. We lived in a cottage so it was easy to turn this into a cottage industry. In fact,  when Carol, my 11th wife, and I were late for church one day we ran in through the back door and the preacher sang out to the congregation, "Here comes Mr. Fancy Pants". 
Grant's Fancy Pants on the runway
in Milan, May 2013 
"Well, the name just stuck and now my website, has over 10,000 views per week. With free shipping, we are the largest online purveyor of fancy pants on the planet. We sell more pants than those southern secesionist rebels at Walmart any damned day of the week. Lincoln said after the Battle of Vicksburg that I was his best killing machine. Little did he know about the killing I'd make in retail."