Monday, September 30, 2013


Let's be honest. Don't you get tired always being the calm, quiet, philosophically grounded friend in the group? Don't you ever look over at the whiner and be just a little jealous of her whining all the time? I mean, there she is, really letting it out, not caring who sees her crying like a baby and acting like a two year old. Don't you ever see yourself like her? Really letting go of your emotions, pouting 'til the cows come home? Don't you ever want to stop analyzing everything and just say, "the hell with it" ?

This can be you in less than 2 weeks.

Well, now you can. With Whinemor pills or capsules, taken twice daily, you can be the whiner in the group. Why not get all the attention and all the pity? Go ahead, shed those crocodile tears without any effort at all and not have that feeling of embarrassment the next day!


Here's what some of our customers had to say about Whinemor:

"It was a revelation. One minute I'm walking through the mall with my friends. Then the next, I'm on the floor in front of Forever 21 with my arms around a potted plant and refusing to go another inch until someone buys me something. Well, not only did my friends buy me a sweater but later they paid for my ice cream. Thank you, Whinemor."    J.R., Bakersville, MI.

"I'm not saying nothing. It's cold in here, can't you make it warmer? Stop looking at me. And isn't it really Whinemor with an "e" at the end. What makes them so special?"    D.S., Hollywood, CA.


The Facts :

Whinemor pills or capsules, taken over a two week period, will make you the most obnoxious, self centered, whining individual ever created on God's green earth. Guaranteed to amaze your friends and befuddle your family. Divorce proceedings and disinheritance are definitely a possibility!

For best results, do not remove
suppository from outer wrapper.
Don't like swallowing pills or capsules? Whinemor is now available in powder and suppository form. Just sprinkle some Whinemor powder over your favorite snack and start feeling that the world is working against you in just minutes. Or, just one suppository carefully placed will take your whining to a whole other level, giving new meaning to the word asshole.

Whinemor Drugs, a division of Narcissistic Industries, brings you the following special offer:
Order just three bottles of Whinemor and, on a day of your choosing, one of our sales reps will come to your house and for a full 30 minutes beg you to stop whining.

WARNING: FDA regulations require us to say that:
  1. Whinemor, taken in excess of the recommended daily dose may cause such unrelenting kvetching on your part that when you die everyone will be glad to see you go and no one will come to your funeral.
  2. Should your headache go away and you start feeling better, you probably grabbed the wrong bottle.
  3. If you are a male and find that your erectile dysfunction problems go away or if you are a female and  discover a sudden deepening color to your labia, you really grabbed the wrong bottle.

Monday, September 23, 2013


Editor's Note:  My brother may think that this is all fun and games. However, pandas (also called giant pandas) are an endangered species. With continued loss of habitat and a very low birthrate, these animals, despite their cuteness factor, are in serious trouble. It is estimated that there may be only 1,600-2,000 living in the wild.
It is GSR's pleasure to showcase, the brainchild of Russ Morgan, Esther Lester and William Gurney. These two men, and who knows what, all former Google executives, have created this much needed service. It is here that male and female pandas can begin meeting quality local singles who share similar passions, bamboo recipes and hopes for the future.  Steve R.

True love can be yours.

The World's #1 Dating Site For Sincere Panda Singles

Get Professionally Matched And Meet Amazing Panda Singles

What will Pandasingles do for you?
  1. Offer singles looking for relationships, not one night stands.
  2. Reject right away the obvious losers.
  3. Screen out all but pandas, no single elephants here.
  4. Use proven techniques to match you with the best that's out there.
  5. Offer the widest search of pandas worldwide, regardless of zoo or habitat.

Stood up again. Don't let this happen to you.


Online dating can be frustrating and expensive. However, is totally free to use. So put away your credit card and meet someone! We are the first and only online dating community exclusively for pandas. Our methodology is simple, fun and safe. In just a few clicks you will be dating someone with your interests and like-minded ways (whatever that means for a panda, I'm just reading the brochure).


Here are some of our success stories:

I had just about given up. I wanted to throw in the towel and just become another spinster panda. Then, a friend told me about Now it's 1 year later and we're expecting! Moo-Li, San Diego Zoo.

I thought I could depend on my zoo. Turns out, they were interested more in licensing agreements than in my feelings. With I get to meet the kind of true panda males that I find interesting. Thank you, Pandasingles.  Mai Ling, Bronx Zoo (go Yankees). 

You can fall in love again.
Where to start with I had recently made the red eye from Chang Fue , China to Brisbane, Australia. All for the hope of starting a new life. Let's just say, life "down under" was a great disappointment. I just wasn't meeting the kind of girls I was interested in. A bloke told me about and I have to say I was skeptical. But, with nothing lying on the old bamboo, so to speak, I gave them a try. In less than two weeks I was whistling a new tune. G'day, mates.  "Crocodile" Jen Weh, Brisbane, Australia.


Warning. You must be 3 years old or older to enter

Choosing safer sex greatly reduces the risk of contracting STDs including the dreaded Pandaditis crabbies!

Monday, September 16, 2013



"This was a no brainer." said BB&B Vice-President, Bob Sevens. "We wanted to reopen, we knew we had a good product but we just needed to add something that could not be so easily offered on line. In store yodeling lessons were considered but we just wanted something with a little more pizazz. Plastic surgery was always our first choice. We already had the parking as well as the waiting room furniture. Not to mention all those magazines."

Editor's Note: GSR has learned through anonymous sources that each store will devote 40% floor space to books, 20% to coffee bars, 35% to plastic surgery and 5% to medical waste.

"I also purchased Nigerian Finger Foods,
Volume 4"

"Studies show," said store spokesman Bob Eights, "that 80% of adults who frequent book stores also yearned for tighter tummies and bigger breasts. If we can capture 30% of those looking for the paperback edition of 50 Shades of Goat, we'll be back in the game."

When asked about the high cost of plastic surgery, Mr. Nines addressed the issue. "We understand and sympathize with those who just can't shell out thousands of dollars for these  procedures. However, with our multi-level payment option, we will make plastic surgery available to all. Let's say, for example, a normal liposuction procedure is $7000 retail. Our customer will have the option to choose a board certified plastic surgeon with 20 years experience and obviously pay the full retail price of $7000. If this is a bit too steep, they may want to opt for a newly minted resident in pulmonology to do the procedure. In that case, they will pay 20% off the full retail price. Should this still be a little high, we would offer them the expert hands of a board certified podiatrist to do the procedure at 50% off retail price. Finally, for those in need, a special price of 80% off full retail price would be available should they elect to have the next customer in line perform the procedure."

"We're also implementing a new Borders Cosmetic Surgery Club. Once a customer has his or her surgery at BB&B, they will receive a membership club card. Each time they come into a Borders for a procedure their card will be stamped and for every 9 procedures they will be entitled to one free! We will also allow 250 purchased books to count as one procedure."

Just one of our thousands of
satisfied customers - care to
guess what she had done?
"We are also offering our unique Borders Cosmetic Surgery Leasing plan. This allows our customer to merely lease a procedure for two years for $40.00 down and a reasonable monthly fee depending upon the procedure selected. "
"At the end of two years, should they elect to keep their slim waist, for example, they can pay an additional fee and the surgical procedure is theirs for life. If not, at the end of the lease they can simply return to the store where they had the procedure done and be surgically returned to their former self. Of course, there are extra fees for wear and tear beyond normal use. Particularly with breast implants, any amount of silicone leakage beyond 50% will result in a penalty fee. And keep in mind that over the life of the procedure, a breast will always depreciate more in value than a nose.Taxes and title extra. Sorry, no loaners available at this time." 

In other news, Jeff Bezos, founder and CEO of Amazon, announced today that the new Kindle e-Reader arriving next month will grant the owner three wishes.

Monday, September 9, 2013



I treat every goose bump as if it was
my mother's. May God bless her soul.

Hello. My name is Peter Picks and I want to buy your goose bumps. In 1986, after retiring from NASA, I founded the Goose Bump Exchange Company and have brought together thousands of satisfied goose bump sellers and buyers.  I know that once you try us you will become another satisfied customer. However, if for any reason you're not happy, I will personally refund your money, send you one of my wife's cheesecakes and see to it that you're made the next ambassador to Spain. So give us a call and make things happen!


A recent study by the Bill and Melinda Gates Bump Up the Goose Bumps Foundation found that 16% of all adults living west of the Mississippi have GBD (goose bump deficiency) and may not even know it. Wouldn't you like to help someone with GBD and make a little money off their suffering?

Don't you want to help those who, perhaps through family history or some terrible industrial accident can't stimulate the tiny muscles at the base of each hair, known as arrector pili muscles, and therefore can't contract and pull the hair erect? Thus, never to have their hair to stand on end?
Imagine not being able to show the world how stimulated you are by fear, cold, anger or even amazing once-in-a-lifetime-sex?

Here's how it works:

Just call 1-800-SKIN-4U and speak to one of our operators. For a

Our finest goose bumps
shaver with real
mahogany handle.
small handling fee of $4.25 you will receive our patented Goose Bump Extractor Kit. Complete with 2 novacaine filled syringes, gauze pads, beryllium tipped tweezers, your choice of red, green, or our favorite, Indian summer azure colored suture thread and our exclusive goose bump safety shaver. Complete instructions included (presently only in Swedish but we're working on it).

AND, if you act within the next 6 months without haste, forethought or self respect we will send you absolutely free - except for that damned little handling fee, again - our Deluxe Collection Kit. Complete with all the tools, novacaine and instructions to send us every last one of your goose bumps, crocodile tears, bear hugs and twinkle toes, all for top dollar prices.

Our deluxe kit. Your shavings 
will be another's blessings.

Don't be the last of your so-called friends to take advantage of this special offer. Wouldn't you like to have that extra cash throbbing in your pocket, ready to be spent frivolously at a moment's notice? Perhaps on a good pair of cooking mitts?

Call the Goose Bump Exchange today and start feeling better about yourself either tomorrow or whenever the scars heal.

Don't be fooled by imitators. The Goose Bump Exchange has been fully accredited by Sal's Towing Service of Greater Detroit since 1977.

Monday, September 2, 2013


In years past we've brought you Dracula vs. the Wolfman, Kanye West vs.Key West and Charlotte's Web vs. the World Wide Web. These events have spanned the globe, the dark side of the moon and 6 exoplanets. Millions of lives have been changed for the better and thousands of gallons of fake blood have been spilled in these classic battles "to the death and beyond".

Doesn't even use a mouth guard.
And now, who will prove victorious in an all out fight between the biggest, meanest, most scary looking evil in the world, GODZILLA and America's last great hope for all time, FANTASY FOOTBALL?

First, we crunch the numbers.





(average player)

360 feet


60,000 tons

252 lbs.

76 feet

55 inches
Once dated a hot looking cheerleader

no, but would like to


467 feet

Vestigial (1 inch)
100 yard dash

2.3 seconds

10.6 sec.
Bench press

45 tons

360 lbs.
Communication skills


Chin Ups (2 min.)


200 meter butterfly

Time to enter water

4 min. 33 sec.
Forward 4 1/2 Somersault in the Tuck Position. 10 meter board (max 10 pts.)


Most lethal weapon

Atomic breath

Pass Interference
Suffers from chronic jock itch


Secret Weapon



Radioactive gluons

46 chromosomes
Willingness to eat opponent 


Beers chugged in 20 minutes

345 kegs

33 - 12 oz. cups
Favorite Food

Cow (rare)

Steak (rare)
Outer Protective Covering

Indestructible skin

Shoulder pads
Mode of reproduction

Nuclear Explosion

Distance throwing football

56 feet (no spiral)

35 yards
Distance throwing bus

456 feet (no spiral)

Greatest Fear

Bombs at box office

Playing for Jets

Some may never return home.
Alas, from the above chart it appears to be all but over. As brave and stout as Fantasy Football's  largest linebacker may be, it is GSR's opinion that he would get the crap knocked out of him fighting The Beast. Yes, it would be the end of the road for these men of destiny, America's best.
But, not so fast, buckaroo. If there's one word that fittingly describes these men, it's team work. And, as the saying goes, you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish. So let's rework the numbers, not as man against Beast but (pardon our French) many man's against Beast.
With 32 fantasy football teams, each carrying 53 players - all solid citizens - that makes for 1,696 hearts beating as one, 3,392 eyes on the prize and 3,392 pinkies against the stinkies.
  1. Imagine 1,696 honest and true men throwing their football helmets right at Godzilla's heart, or at least his feet all at once?
  2. Imagine 32 first string centers turning away from Godzilla, bending over all at once, looking between their legs and giving Godzilla the evil eye?
  3. Imagine sending 3 heavy handed (but deeply sensitive inside) defensive tackles directly at Godzilla every 20 minutes for 4 hours straight?
  4. Imagine 320 awesome cheerleaders, pom-pom in hand, distracting Godzilla enough to have him run into his own goal post?
  5. Imagine 32 fantasy football first string quarterbacks, all at the same time, each throwing a hard, spiraling football directly at Godzilla's nuts?

The Beast wouldn't have a chance.

*As suggested by Mike "if I don't get into med school I want to be a cheeseburger" Swerd.*