The Stevens Consulting and Impressive Panties Group (SCIPG) is now offering the very same program previously available to only the Fortune 500's most desperate companies. Applying our patented combination of Gestalt/Gesundheit therapy and externally fixated bone stretching techniques, SCIPG promises to take you from the five foot four inch mail room loser that you are now to an intelligent, never to be underestimated, business savant, 48 feet tall in your stocking feet. No more elevators for you. Taking just three or four "giant" steps from the street below, you'll quickly find yourself in the boardroom, 103 floors high.
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How do we do it you may ask? First, you choose the amount of time needed to complete the transformation. We understand you have a busty (sorry, busy schedule) and stretching each and every bone of your body to 16 times its natural size is a little like zipping your fly: it's something that just shouldn't be rushed.
Most of our clients choose the six month plan. Two months of intense Gestalt/Gesundheit therapy where we first mentally break you down to something similar to emotionally drained egg whites. Then, two months to fill your mind with every quote from every self help book ever written. Finally, two months of the most excruciating pain imaginable as we stretch you into the 47 foot bruiser that you've always wanted to be. True, we have taken a few tricks from the Spanish Inquisition, but who hasn't? Anyway, with the self administered morphine we offer for an additional $800 per day, it will make the treatment seem almost fun. We also recommend spending a few weeks with our seamstress, Natasha. She hasn't yet found a pair of pants she can't lengthen 37 feet.
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