Monday, June 30, 2014


It's true. Workers over 47 feet tall make an average of $345,000 more over their lifetime than those between four feet and seven feet tall. If you don't believe us, here's a neat trick. The next time you want a salary raise, walk into your bosses office on 23 foot tall stilts and then present your case. Odds are, you'll get that well deserved raise and then some.

The Stevens Consulting and Impressive Panties Group (SCIPG) is now offering the very same program previously available to only the Fortune 500's most desperate companies. Applying our patented combination of Gestalt/Gesundheit therapy and externally fixated bone stretching techniques, SCIPG promises to take you from the five foot four inch mail room loser that you are now to an intelligent, never to be underestimated, business savant, 48 feet tall in your stocking feet. No more elevators for you. Taking just three or four "giant" steps from the street below, you'll quickly find yourself in the boardroom, 103 floors high.

Looking for that awesome year end bonus? A new secretary? Two new secretaries? A giant 79 inch flat screen TV playing reruns of 21 Jump Street, 24/7? Who's going to object?
Gia got that pay raise
after threatening
to crush the moon.
And don't worry. We've taken the the dumbest of the dumb, the meekest of the meek, the forlornest of the forlorn and turned them into the titans of industry that they are today. And we can do the same for you.

How do we do it you may ask? First, you choose the amount of time needed to complete the transformation. We understand you have a busty (sorry, busy schedule) and stretching each and every bone of your body to 16 times its natural size is a little like zipping your fly: it's something that just shouldn't be rushed.
Most of our clients choose the six month plan. Two months of intense Gestalt/Gesundheit therapy where we first mentally break you down to something similar to emotionally drained egg whites. Then, two months to fill your mind with every quote from every self help book ever written. Finally, two months of the most excruciating pain imaginable as we stretch you into the 47 foot bruiser that you've always wanted to be. True, we have taken a few tricks from the Spanish Inquisition, but who hasn't? Anyway, with the self administered morphine we offer for an additional $800 per day, it will make the treatment seem almost fun. We also recommend spending a few weeks with our seamstress, Natasha. She hasn't yet found a pair of pants she can't lengthen 37 feet.

If you've listened this far, here's an exclusive Goat Soup Radio offer. Order in the next 730 days using the special promo code 'HUNG' and we'll include absolutely free our exclusive same day Doubly Big Private Parts surgical procedure, guaranteed to impress even the most discriminating of dates... your boss included.

Monday, June 16, 2014


Yorba Linda. California. 3:45 PM. It appears to be axiomatic in American politics that you can never count Richard Nixon out. In a surprise move that has stunned even his closest supporters, former President of the United States, Richard Milhous Nixon, 101 this year, has once again stepped into the limelight to claim his position on the world stage.
Standing precariously in front of the steps of the Nixon library in Yorba Linda, California, a formerly disgraced ex-president gave a rousing, moving speech explaining his reasons for being so much out of the spotlight these many years and why he has now decided to throw his hat back into the political ring.
Richard Milhous Nixon: Ready For Another Run

 "I've been living the quiet life of a retired family man. Playing with my many grandchildren, reading them stories of brave knights and heroic journeys. I've now come to realize, however, that there is still more of Richard Milhous Nixon to offer. It was time to bring Pat back to the White House and time to bring order and integrity back to America."

  Immediately following Nixon's remarks the White House issued the following statement: "President Obama has always applauded Americans looking to exercise their political chops and he wishes the former president, although quite dead, all the best."

It may not, however, be all peaches and cream for Mr. Nixon. Although the ex-president hinted that he would consider bringing back certain senior staff members including H.R. Haldeman and John Ehrlichman, most have since moved on with their lives, found new work or just haven't been heard from in more than 20 years.
GSR's own legal scholar, Diana Singer, who has extensively studied dead ex-presidents who wish to run for office had this to say: "First, if he does win, according to postal service rules, he'd have to go out and find every single Nixon postage stamp that was ever issued, licked or not, and return it to the post office. Second, his obvious opponent, Hilary Clinton, having worked on the Watergate Committee, might prove to be a tough broad to debate. And third, he will definitely have to pull votes across party lines; the blue states, the red states and of course, the dead states."

Monday, June 9, 2014


Since 1987, the Alpine Avalanche Bottling Company of Vundebar, Switzerland has been a leader in environmentally friendly bottling and packaging for its products.  Some highlights include:

  • The first edible bottle cap
  • The first bottling company to give directions in the Heimlich maneuver on its label
  • Self composting bottle labels
  • Aluminum cans that can be retrofitted into mosquito nets
  • 100% organic beer that brings back the taste of healthy sheep piss
  • A light beer that induces self abortion to control population growth
  • Solar powered flip top cans that in aggregates of 100 can power a ski lift for 2 hours
  • Triple lined beer kegs that can safely store nuclear waste 
  • Gold sponsor of the Vundebar Hotel Miss Chug-A-Lug Nude Outdoor Hot Tub Contest. Editor's Note: Although this has nothing to do with the environment, it is, in the opinion of GSR, one of Europe's better ideas.
Changing to the newer bottle will be the equivalent of 9,500
middle school art teachers walking to work for one year
instead of driving their car.
And now, after three years of trial and error, balls and strikes, two on one, and match point, the Alpine
Avalanche Bottling Company is introducing their newest innovation yet in bottling. Through advanced engineering and Swiss cheese, each bottle of Avalanche pure water now contains 65% less plastic.

 "It really wasn't that hard," said Avalanche spokesperson, Gretta Fondue. "The Swiss have always been known as strong squirters. Once we hired our first squirt mesiter, he knew exactly what to do. Some simple changes in our assembly line and we were able to achieve our goal by squirting the water real hard into the bottle, screwing on the cap real fast and removing any dark matter between the water molecules. Once we had four squirt mesiter's going full time, our voluminous volume values really started to drop.

"At this point", Ms. Fondue continued, "education is the key. Most people are drinking from our smaller bottle, thinking that they've finished it and then disposing of it while there is still seven ounces of good water left in the bottle. Or, people are drinking the full bottle, thinking it's a smaller amount of water and ending up pissing in their pants. Finally, because we are now packaging our bottled water, 48 to a case, hernia's are becoming a problem. Although a case of 48 of the new bottles is about the size of a loaf of bread, people are picking it up not realizing it weighs twice what the old cases weighed."

WARNING: Lifting a 48 pack of Alpine Avalanche bottled water and attempting to place it in the back of your pickup may be hazardous to your health, especially if you're wearing flip flops and drop it on your foot, tend to go shopping during Indian attacks or haven't seen the inside of a gym since 5th grade.

Monday, June 2, 2014



SAN DIEGO, Calif. - 30 May, 2014 - TubBud, the provider of a leading cloud-based bathtub reservation system offering travelers a very inexpensive yet convenient place to stay overnight when they are away from their home base, announced today the pricing of its initial public offering of 12,367,669 shares of its common stock to the public at $27.50 per share. The company, founded in 2009, initially matched business travelers to the San Francisco area in need of cheap, overnight accommodations with local homeowners in the Bay area willing to lease their bathtubs for the night. Today, TubBud is found in 48 cities nationwide, most European countries and select Walmart stores throughout the Southeast. Goldilocks and Co. and Credit Botswana are acting as lead book-running managers for the offering. GSR Securities and Casey Stengel are acting as co-managers.

About TubBud

TubBud is an innovative travel reservation company dedicated to delivering the very best bathtub stay for the discriminating penny pincher. Now offering stays for up to seven nights with our guaranteed "no leak faucet policy", TubBud is meeting the demands of its worldwide consumers and business market segments. Headquartered in Shenzhen, China, the "barbecue brisket sandwich of the East", TubBud has branch offices in the USA, both Hamburg, Frankfort and French Fry, Germany and Drunk As A Skunk, Australia.
Roy is sleeping like a baby and saved himself
a lot of money as well.

Who Should Be Using TubBud?
  • Are you looking to save 90-95% over standard hotel rates?
  • Do you ever wish your five star hotel had the toilet next to your bed?
  • Do you find hotel mattresses too soft? 
  • Are you in need of the hardest, least forgiving mattress known to man?
  • Have you always felt closets and dressers are unnecessary during your travels?
  • Do you always like to have the same reading material available at your bedside and toilet?
  • Have you always had this premonition that you were conceived in the bath?
Some TubBud's even allow pets.
If you answered no to all of these questions, then all is lost and you might as well go back to your Holiday Inn. But, if you answered yes to any of the above questions, then it is time to download TubBud's free app and begin booking your next bathtub with the tech company that Marc Zuckerberg wishes he had thought of.

Coming soon....... SinkLink. Are you short of stature? Do anklet socks go up to your knees? Are you always the first one to know when the flood has arrived? Well, if you don't need the full size accommodation of a bathtub, why not go online and make a reservation with SinkLink? We're here to match your traveling requirements with the most posh sinks in town. Always a guaranteed fit and our promise to you that we will never book you into a sink with a garbage disposal unit.
Finance VP Cheryl "Cute As A Button " Bonita,
travels domestic at least three times per month and
always books with SinkLink.