Washington, DC 9:00 AM EST
In what may prove to be the single largest real estate transaction in modern history, the United States has traded away the city of Detroit and $27 billion for the city of Montreal and a small mountain range to be named later. Details are scarce but Canada appears to get Ford, GM and Chrysler. The United States gets the Montreal Canadiens hockey team and a lot of french bread.
An early morning Tweet by President Trump seemed to explain his thinking. "Melania and I have been eyeing Montreal for quite a while. Tasty tap water, lots of parking and all those people speaking French. Not that I have anything against New Orleans. But how much chicken gumbo can one person eat? And another thing. When I pass into the next world I sure don't want a bunch of strangers prancing down the street in back of my coffin dancing like they've got ants in their pants."
Controversy was unbound. Goat Soup Radio spoke to a gendarme or whatever they call the police in Montreal and he had this to say, " It took me 5 years to figure out how to say 'you have the right to remain silent' in French. Now I have to learn it in English?"
Some people weren't pleased in Detroit, either. Chicken Taco King proprietor Gaston Notsag had this comment."Montreal and 27 big ones for Detroit? And you want us to change all of our license plates right before Memorial Day? At least give us Winnipeg."
President Trumps final Tweet of the morning added this. "I always like to have everyone come away with something in one of my tremendous deals. In this case we get a fantastic town with plenty of space for a fantastic new hotel and Canada gets a nice fixer upper in Detroit with enough cash to hire every contractor on Angie's List and HomeAdvisor combined. That's what I would do."