Monday, December 30, 2013

TITANIC TOWED TO PORT - WHERE'D EVERYONE GO?



After many days of speculation, the R.M.S. Titanic finally completed its maiden voyage. Docking just 101 years, 8 months, 12 days, 4 hours and 27 minutes late, the R.M.S. Titanic, unfortunately, caused some of the passengers to miss their connecting flights. Having a bit of bad luck on it's maiden voyage, stranded in the North Atlantic, the ship was finally brought into New York harbor. Rumors had it that food (mostly sushi and free range halibut) and water (although rather salty) was abundant, especially during El Nino. Elevators had stopped functioning trapping minor character actors working for scale. And by the end of the cruise everyone was pretty bored with the rock climbing wall and duty free stores. Mrs. Juniper Beaglestock of Leeds won at bingo 4,356 times while assistant chef Mike "grab that goose" Pate made over 9,250 ice carvings of the Virgin Islands, carefully showing the locations of all 12 Starbucks.

Those that drove down to the dock waiting to pick up passengers definitely should have called ahead first. It was here that the expression "long term parking" originated. However, amid high expectations to meet and greet the passengers and crew with a hot meal and a level floor, it was not to be. In what has become a mystery to all, there was no one on board.
Reenactment of Titanic preparing to dock.
See damaged smokestack starboard.
Photo courtesy Sony Pictures.

In for repairs. Note the unexplained
absence of crew and passengers.
Photo courtesy Samsung Pictures.













"We did everything we could to bring the ship up from the sea floor as quickly as possible," said Captain Richard Phillips of the salvage ship, You Blow It, We Tow It. "Once we had the ship properly tied up, seven teams of nurses, doctors and makeup artists went on board while others set up a hot soup line offering chicken noodle soup, Manhattan clam chowder and my favorite, broccoli cheese."

"When no one from the Titanic came up to B deck," continued Captain Phillips, "Where we had stationed our crew, a search began, but to no avail. We figured they might have been out on one of the many exciting off ship excursions the Titanic offers such as our popular four hour iceberg watching cruise (lunch included). However, two hours later, the soup was getting cold and still no one showed. We even offered a free root canal procedure performed by Beverly, the newest member to our Babes On Broadway Review.

Believing that perhaps all on board were rather shy and a little embarrassed for not telegraphing in over 100 years, the Titanic was brought into the harbor. 3,000 Rent-A-Maids were sent on board to clean up the mess brought about by 100 years at sea, 2 miles below the surface and twenty two straight days of James Cameron's incessant wind machines and overhead water sprinklers going 24/7.

"It was devastating," said Milt Hilt, steamship company spokesperson, "we couldn't salvage a single dish. What were they thinking? And what about all those broken doors and door locks we found below deck? Needless to say, Mr. DiCaprio won't be asked back for Titanic II, Hawaiian Vacation."

Monday, December 23, 2013

DETROIT GOES PINK

While seeing green I'm just a driving machine.
When the hue is yellow, I'm moving, oh, so mellow.
With red it's stop, or face a cop.
But look, here's pink. Let's go have a drink.
               - Wilma Whizbang, My Mommy is a Good Driver (2009)


Detroit, Canada's newest city (see international land deal) is fast becoming a very happy place. The Detroit City Council (not to be confused with the Detroit City Annihilators, famed female roller derby team) in an effort to make the city more friendly has added a fourth colored light, pink, to all of its traffic lights. The pink light is being phased in over the next six months. For now, drivers in Detroit can either treat the pink light as red or, begin right away to follow the new law and use those four pink seconds to open their window, stick out their hand and smile and wave "hello" to anyone or anything they see. Once the four seconds pass, the light will turn green and the driver may continue on his or her way.

"Don't Stink, Use The Pink"
Intersection of  Loosey and Goosey Aves.

"We had to do something," said Councilperson Esther Lester. "With our financial woes and now having to speak French ever since becoming Canadian, we needed to change the "De" in Detroit to a "We" in Detroit. Mandating the simple pleasantry of saying hello to the person driving next to you was, we feel, a step in the right direction. Getting out of the car and singing acapella would have been preferable, but this is Detroit after all. Of course, when the temperature drops below -12 degrees, all you need to do is honk twice and give the "thumbs up".

Ruby Begonia knows the law. "Morning, neighbor!"


Colby, Georgia first began adding pink back in 2005. There, they had the opposite problem. Everyone was so courteous, always waving hello and stopping to chat that nothing was ever getting done in the town. To even things out, the pink light law was enacted to use that time for convivial demonstrations and therefore get all Colbians (as they call themselves) back to business uninterrupted. It was such a success that now, each time someone comes to a stop sign in Colby they either have to get out of their car and rotate the tires of the driver's car behind them or swear off sex and alcohol and join a nunnery.

Who says you can't legislate happiness?





Monday, December 16, 2013

BABY BOOMER MAKES DEATH BED CONFESSION: "I WAS NEVER AT WOODSTOCK"

 As sure as an ice cold beer is America's favorite drink, it has been held up as the holy gospel that the entire "Baby Boomer" generation, all 76,456,399 of them, attended the Woodstock Music and Art Fair in the summer of 1969 in Bethel, New York. Or so they have always said. This event has been recognized as the most famous and, without a doubt, the largest music festival ever. 
 76,456,399 Strong




Every member of the baby boomer generation, defined as those having been born between 1946 and 1964 (and according to U.S. census figures totaled 76,456,399) has mentioned at least once every 5 years, ad nauseam, that they attended the festival. This figure, however, does not include those that attended the festival as a fetus, those that were conceived at the festival and the 987,456 individuals that have said that they were born on the festival grounds during the three day event. Final decision regarding the 14,298 people that say they hitched a ride to the Festival in Jerry Garcia's limousine is still pending.

To hear that just one baby boomer has recanted  his whereabouts for that summer has clearly brought much pain, doubt and pangs of introspection to these 76,456,399 individuals. GSR spoke to Phil Pill, Professor of Sociology and Lousy Fake Names at the College of New Kitty Litter. "The baby boomer generation, forged during the Vietnam War, Tricky Dick's presidency and Laugh In, have suddenly been shown  to be just another generation thinking that they're better than any other. This generation won't be walking the walk anytime soon. In fact, in a few short years they will all end up needing hip replacements."


Sources tell GSR that Leonard Arrow, 63, of Arlington, Virginia reportedly made a "death bed" confession that he did not attend the Festival. Reports say that with his very last breath, surrounded by friends and family, the 63 year old long time environmental activist told the group that he was never there. First taken as the confused mutterings of a sick man, it soon became apparent that Mr. Arrow appeared to be well aware of what he was saying and that, perhaps, he was telling the truth. However, this incredible statement, flying in the face of conventional wisdom, common sense and a Happy Hour with all the hot wings you can eat, demanded explanation.


"Just a moment. Maybe I
only saw the movie."

Only known picture of Mr. Arrow, taken
8/16/1969, 600 miles from Woodstock.












Word spread like tupelo honey on a toasted English muffin. Soon, the Truth in Who Was at Woodstock Committee took notice. Necks craned, ears wagged and heads rolled when Michael Fay, Chairman of the Committee read the following statement:

"One of our brothers has come forward stating that he was not at the Festival. For years, the baby boomer generation has stood united,  and the glue that has kept us together has been our presence at Woodstock. As for Mr. Arrow, a man who decided to go in a different direction that August weekend in 1969, we can only say, peace and safe journey. We are still 76,456,398 strong, most of us still having our ticket stubs somewhere. And, as we would all swear on a stack of bibles, it was there where we first got high, lost our virginity, stayed for the last day and helped clean up afterwards. God bless all of you."


in memoriam
lenny arrow

Monday, December 9, 2013

NASA RELEASES PICS OF FIRST KNOWN EXOBANANA

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Planet. A large, round object in space that travels around a star such as the sun. (Source: Merriam-Webster Dictionary)

Exoplanet. An exoplanet, or extrasolar planet, is a planet outside of our solar system. (Source: NASA)

Exobanana. An exobanana, or extrasolar banana is a banana outside of our solar system. (Source: my brother after staying up two straight nights drinking nothing but margaritas and the occasional Coors.)
************************************


Exobanana NOT/RIPE124. Photo
courtesy Miguel's Family Bodega.
Same image as left with
color enhancement.











Pictures taken from the Hubble Space Telescope have revealed for the first time the existence of an exobanana. Long hypothesized by Einstein's arch rival, Professor Frederick Shmedrick of the Jet and Giant Propulsion Laboratory, the exobanana appears to be hurtling towards the very center of the Extra Large Smoothie Galaxy.
"I knew it  had to be there," said Professor Shmedrick. "And that poor Einstein was always insistent on exopeaches. Was fur ein Loch im Kopf, that Albert was. Also, where would he be today if I didn't tell him to square the speed of light in that funny little equation of his?"
EDITORS NOTE: For those of you that unfortunately took Spanish in high school instead of German, Professor Shmedrick called Einstein a "hole in the head'". At least that's what Google Translate says.

The exobanana, technically designated NOT/RIPE124, is being hailed as this century's first great scientific discovery. To confirm the sighting, DNA testing will need to be done and NASA has authorized the retrofitting of a Saturn V rocket into one big intergalactic cotton swab missile (ICSM). Estimated arrival on NOT/RIPE124 is for the fall of 2032. Originally, plans were set to land in the spring of that year, however, arriving in the fall when the leaves are just turning color seemed like a nicer idea.
The ICSM ready for takeoff.
America's hope.


As a public cervix, GSR has listed here why this discovery is so important.
  1. The extraterrestrial mining rights to all that banana could be worth billions of dollars.
  2. Put to rest the notion of which came first, the chicken, the egg or the banana.
  3. Solve the earth's scarcity of banana bread due to global warming and always losing the recipe.
  4. Colonize NOT/RIPE124 once we figure out how to stop slipping on all that banana peel.
  5. Search for any Bananalings and buy them a drink.
  6. Once on the exobanana, to search for the most elusive particle in the universe, the banana seed. 

Captain Reddy.
America's finest.
Commanding the ICSM will be Captain R.U. Reddy. This will be Captain Reddy's second mission. In 2001, Captain Reddy successfully piloted the Amazon 12 Space Station directly through the Don't Drop The Soap Meteor Shower. "It was a bit uncomfortable in there for a while," said Captain Reddy. "Working with a crew of eight in that tiny little shower, you can't help but rub up against someone. But, as thy say, no means no. I might also add that it was all agreed that Chief Navigator Wendy Bendy was in top physical shape and certainly knew her way around the shower."

In other news, The People's Republic of China announced today that they had discovered the first exo-moo-goo-gai-pan. Nobody thought that was funny.

Monday, December 2, 2013

GOOGLE ROLLS OUT GOOGLE NOSE FOR THE HOLIDAYS

Google Nose with pop up
Sniffer Sifter
It's rumored that Google Nose almost never came to be. When Google engineer Ned Shed first presented his idea it was met with incredulity and derision. Quickly dubbed Ned's Nose Dive, he was left to toil over his idea in his off hours, mostly on the pot.

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WHAT CAN GOOGLE NOSE DO FOR YOU?
  • GIVE YOU THE COMBINED SENSE OF SMELL OF SIX SMALL, SHY, SLEEPY SHREWS. 
  • PROTECT YOUR UPPER LIP FROM INCLEMENT WEATHER.
  • FLARE YOUR RIGHT NOSTRIL AND TAKE A 3D PICTURE.
  • FLARE YOUR LEFT NOSTRIL AND TURN ON YOUR DISHWASHER.
  • CREATE AMAZING ECHO EFFECTS EVERY TIME YOU SNEEZE.
  • TAKE IT WITH YOU TO BED AND NEVER SNORE AGAIN.
  • GIVES ANOSMIA A BAD NAME.
  • WEAR IT UPSIDE DOWN AND COLLECT DRINKING WATER.
  • WEAR IT IN THE CAR DRIVING THROUGH  A TOLL BOOTH AND NOT BE DETECTED. SORRY, OPTION ONLY AVAILABLE IN DETROIT AT THIS TIME.
  • PREDICT LOCAL AND NATIONAL SEISMOLOGIC ACTIVITY WITH 96% ACCURACY.
  • TAP IT TWICE AND LOSE INCHES OFF YOUR WAIST.
************************************


 "Google Glass was just a synthesis of traditional glasses and a computer," Dr. Ned Shed said. "My Google Nose is a true leap forward. Long before we developed eyes our ancestors were crawling around in the mud smelling everything in nose shot. Our noses were the windows to the world. It's only since the Industrial Revolution with its air pollution, take out restaurants and nose plugs that the nose has been relegated to such a lowly position. 
Initially, it was tough going. There was always a lot of static and interference. Then, one day, with nothing left to lose, we depilated every nasal hair we could grab. That solved the problem and today Google Nose is outselling Google Pinky Toe 10 to 1."


Available in red, yellow, clear and blue.
Google Nose green available March 1.
Deeply committed couples
particularly find it useful.











 Here is what some have to say about Google Nose.

"I use it whenever I'm at the mall and get a little hungry. With Google Nose I don't need to go walking around looking for a place to eat. One whiff, and unless I'm downwind of someone that hasn't showered in a week, I know just where to go eat. I kind of let my nose do the walking." Nadia Kopinsky. Hollywood, CA.

"Guys would never ask me out on a second date. Now, I always  bring Google Nose along. At the end of the evening, I just pop one on their nose, wait about one millisecond for my pheromones to travel across the room, and, voila!, that big hairy guy is mine! Thank you, Google Nose." Cherry Cherry Pumpkin Berry. Legume, UT

"We've been using it for our DUI's. No more breathalyzer testing for this department. Once we pull someone over and get the allegedly drunk bastard out of his car, the officer will  put on his Google Nose and quicker than you can say "let me see your immigration papers", the officer will know not only if the poor jerk is drunk, but also what he's been drinking, how much and when he last changed his underwear."  Sargent Kim Taser. Biloxi, MS.

"Google Nose? More like Google Blows. I wore it to a Miami Dolphins home game against the Chargers. We were on the 20 yard line, two tiers up. Let me tell you, I never realized how gassy professional football players are. I lent it to my wife for the second half and she went down like a sack of potatoes right after the kick off."  Esther Lester. Miami, FL.

" I  love my Google Nose. Whenever I step into my apartment after a hard day at the office I love to get a
Ginger with Google Nose
and optional solar charger
whiff of what's cooking in the building. With Google Nose I know just where to invite myself for dinner. Problem is, 5J is the worst cook in the world. I could be 3 blocks away and almost have to barf from what they're putting together for dinner. Honestly, I may have to get Google Nose Lite when it becomes available next year. Ginger Weinerville. New York, NY.


WARNING:  Do not use Google Nose with optional solar charger if you tan easily, enjoy long walks in the rain, are planning to walk into a bank with a gun or going for a job interview while sober.