Monday, August 26, 2013


Article 5, Section 6 of the U.S. Constitution requires that all states renew their official statehood every 41 years from the day of their admission to the United States. A simple, one page renewal form signed by the acting governor with 25 additional signatures by "true and sober male citizens", together with either a certified check for $350.00 or 40 head of cattle is all that is needed. However, what was merely a formality all these years, with each state renewing their statehood on time, has proven an embarrassment for Idaho. Editors Note: Historians tell us that Thomas Jefferson picked the number 41 which was the number of wigs he owned.
Saturday morning food
shopping in the Territory

"I thought the lieutenant governor sent it out and the lieutenant governor thought that I sent it out," said Clement Leroy "Butch" Otter, Idaho's 32nd governor.  "We'll put the appropriate papers in but you know how the federal government works," he added. GSR has learned that it will be at least 120 days before the papers can be fact checked and then sent to the floor of Congress for a vote. In the mean time, Idaho will will revert back to territory status until then.

As a public service, GSR has put together some of the changes in store for Idaho as it becomes, once again, a territory of the United States.

  1. Those caught cattle rustling will be shot on sight.
  2. All state owned lands will be available for homesteading. You must live on the land for 6 months, raise cows and make your home available as a station for the Pony Express.
  3. All barbers will now be allowed to practice medicine.
  4. Undertakers must wear long, black coats.
  5.  The minimum drinking age will be 12 years old.
  6. If you must smoke you have to roll your own.
  7. All males over the age of 14 must pack a 6-shooter.
  8. Showering will be outlawed and baths will be taken on Tuesdays.
  9. Failure to tie up your horse in town securely will result in a night in the slammer.
  10. Indian raids will take place the second Friday of every month.
  11. Blacksmiths will now be required to be open 7 days per week. Chickens will be an accepted form of currency.
  12. All counties must have at least one cantankerous "hanging" judge with a drinking problem.
  13. Those traveling by stage coach will be required to carry a concealed pocket derringer. As well, due to FDA regulations, hand sanitizing stations will be required on all stage coaches.
  14. All women over the age of 15 will be required to wear incredibly tight corsets and have terrific singing voices.
  15. All Home Depots in Idaho will now be required to stock tumbleweed in their gardening sections.
  16. All Starbucks in Idaho will only offer thick, black coffee from tin cups. If you want wi-fi, go to Wyoming.
"We lost our statehood, but we
still have each other"
The Founding Fathers even provided what should happen if a state becomes a territory and then fails to petition Congress to get their statehood back within 3 years.
Article 5 section 7 of the Constitution says that such territory would subsequently be given back to the Indians in perpetuity. Wouldn't that be something?

Monday, August 19, 2013


The statistics are startling.
 The American Restaurant Association says that 12% of all people finish their main course in restaurants by licking their plates clean. The ASPCA in 2006 (the last time the survey was conducted) said that 33% of all dog owners give their pet dogs a little tongue at least once per month and a  joint study between Brown University's School of Economics and the Foundation for Sexual Advancement and Trysts found a strong, positive correlation between those landing their first job after college and oral sex. 
An ounce of prevention is worth
6 inches of bad tongue.

Shakespeare, who hasn't written a single word in over 250 years, said our eyes are the windows to the world and our tongues, the 24/ 7 conveyor belt. Words never more true today.

Connie Lingis: Miss Brush Your
Tongue 2012
 In 1998, when President William Jefferson Clinton signed the proclamation naming September, Brush Your Tongue Awareness Month, it signaled a new beginning in the fight to make Americans sit up and take notice as to just where they are putting their tongues and what to do about it afterward.

Remember: there is no 'morning after' tongue pill.

Since that historic signing, September has become the time to look back over the past year and take inventory. The People for the Advancement of Warm, Wet Tongues have offered these 6 warning signs of the dreaded Tongue Abandonment Syndrome.

  1. Do you know how to say the word tongue in more than 4 languages?
  2. Do you wake up more than 3 days per week not knowing where your tongue has been?
  3. Do six tongues make a right?
  4. Is your only goal in life to be able to tie a cherry stem in a knot with just your tongue?
  5. Do you find yourself short of breath while reading American Lollipop Magazine?  
  6. Do you find it difficult to hold a toothbrush in one hand and your Johnson in the other?

If you can answer yes to at least two of these questions, then all is lost. But, if you can answer one of these questions in the affirmative, there is hope. Call the number at the bottom of your screen, get ready, ask for Cherry and have your credit card ready.


10 points. In paragraph 5, what does the author mean by the underlined phrase, "your Johnson in the other?"
  1. I think Johnson is slang for a tube of toothpaste
  2.  Was the author friends with The Rock, Dwayne Johnson?
  3. Was this really an SAT question?
  4. Do you think if I ask Hillary, she'd know?
  5. I'm a girl, I don't have a Johnson.


The first French kiss took place October 15, 1772 between two French Canadians,  Jacques 'Le Tool' Baguette and Francoise "Half a Franc" Cuisine in Montreal, Canada. Thus the term, French Canadian kissing. This was very quickly dropped (thankfully) because it sounded like two cars in Montreal slamming into each other, even back then. The shorter term, French kissing was soon adopted. Eyewitness accounts at the time say that Francoise thought about it afterwards and soon joined a nunnery. Two years later she established the first North American Order of the Sisters of the Immaculate Tongues.
EDITOR'S NOTE: For GSR's 2013 position paper on U.S. Canadian Relations see:


The first minty flavored mouth wash with 'just a drop' of crow's blood was invented October 16, 1772 in Montreal, Canada.  

Monday, August 12, 2013


 The next time you catch a cold, take an aspirin. Just don't blame those tiny, defenseless creatures that everyone thinks are so bad for you.
Kiss me, hug me, thrill me

The germ theory of disease, developed in the 1800's, particularly in France and Germany (which tells you a lot already) states that microorganisms which are too small to be seen without the aid of a microscope, can invade the body and cause certain diseases. Western medicine has, to now, taken this theory as gospel. Editor's note: For a very important discussion of the germ theory and the bible, please see paragraph 6.

Writing in Modern Science and Goat, M.I.T scientists, along with two highly regarded shamans from the Tijuku region of  Mongolia have challenged the germ theory with some very elegant research. Looking at thousands of hospital records from the Great Michael Jackson Desert Sands Hospital in the country's capital of Mongolia and hundreds of camel feces samples generously donated by the Wag The Dog and Hug Your Yak Veterinary Hospital, also in Mongolia's capital, the results were at first hard to believe.
For two points: The capital of Mongolia is:
  1. Ulan Bator
  2. Hoochie Coochie
  3. Louie, Louie
  4. Help Me, Help Me
Polygamist John Steed and his 5 wives.
Seven years without even a sniffle.

"Mind blowing," said Dr.Tern N. Koff, lead scientist at the school's Genomic Research With Very Strange Collaborator's Institute. "Once in a trance, our shaman colleagues, Urk and Furk explained to us that the tendency to contract a disease is only a matter of whether you were ever reincarnated as a Venus fly trap and how many wives you have."

Dr. Koff composed himself and continued. "It appears those bible thumping fundamentalists had it right all along. For in the bible, Nathan 22:12 says, "Behold Nate, can I call you Nate?  I will make this covenant with you, with your sons, your son's sons and your sunny son son's. That I have smitten the germ theory and it now lies with Lucifer among the fire and brimstone and single use plastic grocery bags."

A brilliant experiment and a
beautiful wedding (for 39)

To confirm their findings, MIT scientists had 12 very dorky male MIT engineering students marry 27 very, very dorky female Mount Holyoke fine arts students. None of the male students came down with the plague, although a few did have their acne clear up.

Monday, August 5, 2013


Faced with continued Republican Party opposition for President Obama's health care initiatives (Obamacare), the White House said today that they will be reviewing and making immediate changes in Obamacare "from top to bottom".

White House gender free spokesperson, Esther Lester, told reporters that everything is on the table. When it soon became clear that the table was really a chair, Esther retracted the stupid metaphor and went back to looking for Michelle's cell phone.

Ohmamacare now covers most
hair conditioner products

Later that day, after finding Michelle's cell phone in the pants she wore yesterday, White House
health care coordinator, Yersinia Pestis, made the following historic announcement. "Always looking to make national policy more palatable for the American people, Obamacare will now be called Ohmamacare. We feel that this description is certainly warmer and more family friendly. Studies show that when an individual, especially a red neck, ultra conservative, gun toting, bare footed, road kill eating, moonshine drinking, banjo playing,  trailer park living, teeth missing. pick up truck driving, fifth grade educated, long bearded, hand me down clothes wearing wahoo, hears the word 'mama', he will support it like a couple of Victoria Secret bra straps support a nice pair of honkers. Ohmamacare will be the watchword for the coming century."

Miss Pestis took a deep breath and then continued. "One of the stronger criticisms of Obamacare was the feeling that young people would not purchase the required insurance because they simply did not feel the need to. Now that their mama is telling them to sign up, we are confident that most will. As well, many small businesses were concerned about having to insure their workers and that it would cost them too much to do so. Again, can you imagine 12 angry mama's going down to Any Small Business, USA and demanding all their kids be insured? It's a no brainer. The Republicans may have control of the House of Representatives but we've got their mama's."

With the McCoy's now covered
under Ohmamacare,
their worries are a thing of the past.

To drill deeper into this important issue, Goat Soup Radio spoke with Crazy Elise, director of health and pick up sticks policy at the IIIIIII (I'm Ironically Interested In Insurance Issues Institute). A think tank located in the back of Armando's Sub Shop  in Washington, DC,  Dr. Elise supplied the following observation. "When I was a little nip, I liked to fart. I remember I used to make my mama laugh her bleeding head off every time I would let one go during church on Sunday morning. Well, the same can be said for Ohmamacare. Sometimes you just have to raise up a cheek and blast one."