Friday, December 7, 2018

Wednesday, December 5, 2018

SUPREME COURT LIFTS GOAT SOUP GAG ORDER. JUSTICE SOTOMEYER: "THEY CAN SAY WHATEVER THEY DAMN PLEASE, JUST GET THEM OUT OF HERE."

In a stunning Supreme Court decision, Goat Soup Radio has seen its lower food court imposed gag order rescinded by a seven to one majority decision. GSR historians will note that the sole minority decision, cast  by Justice John J. Hackwacker, 214, was the last surviving judge to have ruled in the landmark Lewis and Clark's Naturally Seasoned Buffalo Chips decision in  Lewis and Clark v. Sacagawea.





Writing for the majority, Justice Rippa Dees Pants  wrote: "Throughout history it has been a good idea to squash idiocy at it's birth, strangling it with it's own pathologically perverse and prickly placenta. This was the country's goal in telling Goat Soup Radio to pack it up and go back to stocking shelves at Trader Joe's. But, there are moments in history when we must tear apart the velcro straps to our senses and allow even those without a modicum of sense, decorum and decency to express their views, as uninspired as they may be. Therefore, Ģoat Soup Radio may have it's voice back, it's offices opened and it's carpets cleaned."

Justice Pants: "Why do I always get just two croutons with
 my pea soup, councilor?"

Justice Pants went on to say that he couldn't understand why the difference in price between a cup of soup and a bowl of soup in the Court's cafeteria is almost $5.00 when the amount of soup in both was almost the same.
Writing as a Friend of the Court (amicus curiae ministronis) Mamby Pamby, chief counsel to the American Association of Soup Ladlers opined that in a crouton free world all would be equal. However, "As long as China continues to heavily subsidize their cheaper, substandard ladles and continues dumping them into the American market, the cup and bowl will remain for all intents and purposes, separate but equal."

Editor's Note:  We understand and sympathize with many of our readers that the sections above may have been a bit too dense and erudite, thus requiring the expertise and experience of a pompous, know-it-all lawyer to understand. However as GSR has always tried to be the portal to all that the heaven's have created, we sincerely apologize for our brilliance, extraordinary sense of humor and saintly intentions.











Sunday, May 8, 2016

TRUMP APOLOGIZES FOR US-MEXICAN "BORDER WALL" MISCOMMUNICATION

During his recent news conference at the Trump Bayou Golf and Polo Club in Hey Abbott, Louisiana, Donald Trump used the time to set the record straight regarding his immigration policy.

Trump has a dream for 2016

"I never said that I would build such a long, high wall between the United States and Mexico. The Mexican people love me. The press obviously didn't hear me right. They're not very good listeners.What I said was that I would build a mall. A mall, not a wall.The largest, longest, most gorgeous shopping mall in the world. It would be perfectly situated between the United States and Mexico, straddling the entire length of the border, all 1,954 miles of it. How beautiful would that be? To have every imaginable high end retail store offering their goods and services to every immigrant, tourista and day tripper that would obviously find it necessary to make their way through the mall before entering the United States. The economic value would be just tremendous. And it would be a great humanitarian gesture. You know, in a recent poll of Noble Peace Prize winners, I was voted far and away their overwhelming choice for receiving next year's award."

"No more walks through the desert, no more desperate searching for a little bit to eat and drink, Instead, I would place a Trump Gourmet Food Court every mile within the mall, an L.L. Bean every two miles offering all those hard to get size 5.5 extra wide Vibram soled hiking boots and, of course, a diaper dressing station every 3,000 feet to take care of all the little ones. We certainly want their bottoms clean and fresh as they make their way through Trump National Mall before coming into the United States."

"And what happens once they are finished filling all their Nordstrom and Old Navy shopping bags with all the things that make Americans look and smell great? You know, I would not be the super rich bag of wind I am today if I didn't wear the right cologne and the most stylish penny loafers you can buy. What will all those well dressed immigrants need once they enter the United States? I'll tell you what. Otrumpcare! That's right, health insurance. We'll throw out Obamacare (by the way, have you ever seen a worse contract with the American people?) quicker than you can say trophy wife. No more living off the backs of the upper 2%. No more hoping everyone in your insurance pool stays healthy. We'll give them insurance so cheap, so simple, so all encompassing, it will their your head spin. Can you imagine the profit we'll make from all those cabeza spinatoris surgical procedures? Also, no more insurance cards to carry around. If you can name and describe in English the four C's of diamond quality standing on one leg butt naked in front of your doctor, you can not be refused treatment. And what does the "O" stand for in Otrumpcare? It stands for 'Oh, we'll become so rich.' You wait and see."
Donald Trump.
Let's bring pomposity back
to the White House.

"And then, let me tell you a little secret. After just two years in office, you won't be able to tell the difference between the US-Mexican border and the US-Canadian border. And speaking of Canada, one of my first deals in office will be to buy Montreal. I love French food, don't you? And it's quite simple. For the city of Montreal we'll give them Detroit, $26.4 billion dollars (American, not that weak Canadian coinage) and a small mountain range to be named later. It's an offer they can't refuse!"

Friday, November 27, 2015

HILLARY OUTLINES BILL AND CHELSEA'S POSITIONS IN HER FUTURE ADMINISTRATION

Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has released the first outline of future duties and responsibilities for former president Bill Clinton and daughter Chelsea once Mrs. Clinton becomes president.



"Have to also ask mom for France. The
Seine is just insane." 

 Chelsea Clinton, already with her initials scratched into the top drawer of Abraham Lincoln's writing desk when she was previously living in the White House will, pending Congressional approval, become ambassador to Italy, the Vatican and Pappa John's Pizza. When GSR asked Chelsea Clinton's people how she felt about this multi-prong appointment, her people put out the following statement. 

"Chelsea feels that this is the perfect job for her. It brings together many of her finest attributes; a smattering of the Italian language, her love of anything papal and a strong desire to bring Pappa John's specialty pizza, The Works, (beloved by her father) back on the White House Friday night menu."

Tweeting to her 34,456,397 followers, Mrs. Clinton had this to peck away at: "Chelsea has always been the brains behind my policy initiatives while I was Secretary of State. I can't think of another individual with more impressive qualifications necessary to carry out this important assignment.
"Chelsea, want to swap ambassadorships?"


Former president Bill Clinton will also be given an ambassadorship. He, however, will be traveling a little further. Bill has been told to pack his bags and get ready for an eight year stint as ambassador to Easter Island. Although no one on Easter Island has ever heard of the internet, karaoke, Happy Hour or hot grits with tomato gravy, Bill has been assured that he will have open access to the oval office whenever the sun and the Goataurius Minor constellation are in such position to allow radio transmissions to the mainland, 2,368 miles due east.


"It was tough at first," said Mrs. Clinton, "to convince Bill that Easter Island was where he would help me the most. True, you're essentially cut off from the outside world save for the mail plane and Uncle Che-Che's anchovy boat that makes its way to the island about every seven months. And yes, baked albatross is the national dish while the only fish Bill ever eats is catfish. But, when I told him the female to male ratio on the island was 5 to 3, that everyone was pretty much a first cousin of everyone else on the island and that he would be the only American male within 7,749 miles, he jumped at the chance."


However, experts disagree how easy it will be for supposed president Hillary to get her husband's nomination as ambassador to Easter Island through the tough vetting process. Traditionally, the post has gone to seals or scurvy sickened stowaways. However, members of the House and Garden subcommittee on Lascivious Appointments and Erotic Escapades may be hesitant to approve the nomination. We can't think of one reason why. 
Barney Blowhole, current American ambassador to Easter Island.
"No way I'm giving up this cushie post without a fight. I'm going
to boot his ass all the way back to Arkansas."

Friday, November 20, 2015

DECEMBER 5th IS BRUSH YOUR TONGUE AWARENESS DAY

The statistics are startling.
 The American Restaurant Association says that 12% of all people finish their main course in restaurants by licking their plates clean.
Bad tongue habits start early
As well, in 2006 (the last time the survey was conducted) the ASPCA said that 33% of all dog owners give their pet dogs a little tongue at least once per month. Noted as well, a joint study between Brown University's School of Bordello Economics and the Foundation for Sexual Advancement and Trysts found a strong, positive correlation between those landing their first job after college and oral sex. 


Shakespeare, who hasn't written a single word in over 250 years, said our eyes are the windows to the world and our tongues, the 24/ 7 conveyor belt. Words never more true today.

Connie Lingis: Miss Brush Your
Tongue 2012
 In 1998, when President William Jefferson Clinton signed the proclamation naming December 5th, Brush Your Tongue Awareness Day, it signaled a new beginning in the fight to make Americans sit up and take notice as to just where they are putting their tongues and what to do about it afterward.

Remember: there is no 'morning after' tongue pill.

Purposely situated between Thanksgiving and New Years (Turkeys tally tongues, too) this is both a day of oral avian honor and a day hope.

Since that historic signing, December 5th has become the time to look back over the past year and take inventory. The People for the Advancement of Warm, Wet Tongues have offered these 6 warning signs of the dreaded Tongue Abandonment Syndrome.

  1. Do you know how to say the word tongue in more than 4 languages?
  2. Do you wake up more than 3 days per week not knowing where your tongue has been?
  3. Do six tongues make a right?
  4. Is your only goal in life to to tie a cherry stem in a knot with just your tongue?
  5. Do you find yourself short of breath while reading American Lollipop Magazine?  
  6. Do you find it difficult to hold a toothbrush in one hand and your Johnson in the other?

If you can answer yes to two or more of these questions, then all is lost. But, if you can only answer one of these questions in the affirmative, there is hope. Call the number at the bottom of your screen, get ready, ask for Cherry and have your credit card ready.

1-800- ORAL-GLEE4ME
_____________________________________

10 points. In paragraph 5, what does the author mean by the underlined phrase, "your Johnson in the other?"
  1. I think Johnson is slang for a tube of toothpaste
  2.  A sly reference to President Lyndon Baines Johnson.
  3. Was this really an SAT question?
  4. Do you think if I ask Hillary, she'd know?
  5. I'm a girl, I don't have a Johnson.
****************************************
****************************************

DID YOU KNOW...

The first French kiss took place October 15, 1772 between two French Canadians,  Jacques 'Le Tool' Baguette and Francoise "Half a Franc" Cuisine in Montreal, Canada. Thus the term, French Canadian kissing. This term was very quickly dropped and the shorter phrase, French kissing was soon adopted. Eyewitness accounts at the time say that Francoise thought about it afterwards and soon joined a nunnery. Two years later she established the first North American Order of the Sisters of the Immaculate Tongues.
EDITOR'S NOTE: For GSR's 2013 position paper on U.S. Canadian Relations see: http://www.goatsoupradio.com/2013/04/giant-us-canada-land-deal.html



Sunday, September 13, 2015

TRUMP APOLOGIZES FOR US-MEXICAN "BORDER WALL" MISCOMMUNICATION

During his recent news conference at the Trump Bayou Golf and Polo Club in Hey Abbott, Louisiana, Donald Trump used the time to set the record straight regarding his immigration policy.
Trump has a dream for 2016

"I never said that I would build such a long, high wall between the United States and Mexico. The Mexican people love me. The press obviously didn't hear me right. They're not very good listeners.What I said was that I would build a mall. A mall, not a wall.The largest, longest, most gorgeous shopping mall in the world. It would be perfectly situated between the United States and Mexico, straddling the entire length of the border, all 1,954 miles of it. How beautiful would that be? To have every imaginable high end retail store offering their goods and services to every immigrant, tourista and day tripper that would obviously find it necessary to make their way through the mall before entering the United States. The economic value would be just tremendous. And it would be a great humanitarian gesture. You know, in a recent poll of Noble Peace Prize winners, I was voted far and away their overwhelming choice for receiving next year's award."

"No more walks through the desert, no more desperate searching for a little bit to eat and drink, Instead, I would place a Trump Gourmet Food Court every mile within the mall, an L.L. Bean every two miles offering all those hard to get size 5.5 extra wide Vibram soled hiking boots and, of course, a diaper dressing station every 3,000 feet to take care of all the little ones. We certainly want their bottoms clean and fresh as they make their way through Trump National Mall before coming into the United States."

"And what happens once they are finished filling all their Nordstrom and Old Navy shopping bags with all the things that make Americans look and smell great? You know, I would not be the super rich bag of wind I am today if I didn't wear the right cologne and the most stylish penny loafers you can buy. What will all those well dressed immigrants need once they enter the United States? I'll tell you what. Otrumpcare! That's right, health insurance. We'll throw out Obamacare (by the way, have you ever seen a worse contract with the American people?) quicker than you can say trophy wife. No more living off the backs of the upper 2%. No more hoping everyone in your insurance pool stays healthy. We'll give them insurance so cheap, so simple, so all encompassing, it will their your head spin. Can you imagine the profit we'll make from all those cabeza spinatoris surgical procedures? Also, no more insurance cards to carry around. If you can name and describe in English the four C's of diamond quality standing on one leg butt naked in front of your doctor, you can not be refused treatment. And what does the "O" stand for in Otrumpcare? It stands for 'Oh, we'll become so rich.' You wait and see."
Donald Trump.
Let's bring pomposity back
to the White House.

"And then, let me tell you a little secret. After just two years in office, you won't be able to tell the difference between the US-Mexican border and the US-Canadian border. And speaking of Canada, one of my first deals in office will be to buy Montreal. I love French food, don't you? And it's quite simple. For the city of Montreal we'll give them Detroit, $26.4 billion dollars (American, not that weak Canadian coinage) and a small mountain range to be named later. It's an offer they can't refuse!"




Sunday, August 23, 2015

GETTING JEB OUT FROM UNDER THE BUSHES

A SPECIAL GSR POLITICAL EDITORIAL


We really like Jeb Bush. How could you not be smitten by a first name like Jeb or Arlo or TJ? In fact, with a name like that we're voting for him for president! True, his position on immigration, women's issues, education, tax reform, balancing the budget, gay marriage, abortion, climate change, fracking, the EPA, the future of Medicare and foreign policy are incredibly out of touch with reality. Still, We Like Jeb!

JEB HAS THE SPLEEN FOR 2016


However, like all politicians, there is always some black cloud following them around wherever they go. Hillary has the State Department emails. Marco Rubio looks and acts like our 13 year old cousin, Stymie. Governor Christie has Bridgegate and, come to think of it, New Jersey. And with no other way to say it, Trump has Trump and that ridiculous, "I build big, astronomically high rent apartment buildings so I'm fit to become the leader of the free world," BS.

Where does that leave our big bear of a brother, Jeb? No, it wasn't his "deer in the headlights" demeanor during the big debate on national television. No, it's not the fact that he couldn't find Tallahassee the first time he was elected governor of Florida. What's been keeping Jeb down is his last name, Bush. Trying to separate himself from that knucklehead of a younger brother, George is like trying to pull apart two slices of American cheese that have been sitting out all day on the hood of your pickup in the middle of July. You just can't do it!

So, in one of the most contentious editorial board meetings that GSR has ever had, our learned suggestion, nay, our solution to Jeb's problem is this. Change the name, Jeb. You can still keep the fake Navaho Indian belt buckle, the Walmart glasses, the buxom interns, the elevator shoes and the tired story of how you stopped your motorcade last month to allow a mother duck and her eight  little ducklings to cross the road unharmed, even though they carried a banner, "Ducks for Donald". Just change your last name.

Granted, the word bush is easy to pronounce, unless you've just had all your wisdom teeth pulled, and that anyone that owns or rents a home probably has a bush on their property. Most importantly for the polls, not many other candidates have a last name that rhymes with tush. However, sometimes you just have to let go. "Push the Bush" as our esteemed Maryland crab cake correspondent Esther Lester texted everyone around the table.

So, here it is Jeb. It's just a work in progress but by a vote of six to four with three abstentions for   not understanding the question, the editorial board of Goat Soup Radio would like you to change your last name to Nixon. All you have to do is have a news conference and say that you were on ancestry.com last night and found out that Pat Nixon once stayed (after all, it only takes one time so we hear) in the same Abilene, Texas Super 8 as your uncle,  Fester Bush. The press will eat it up!

Jeb. Together, let's put another Nixon
 in the White House.

Why Nixon? Who has the most name recognition of any 20th century president? Who ended the draft? Who founded the EPA? Who signed Title IX, ending female gender bias in college sports? Who supported Israel during the Yom Kippur War? Who lowered the voting age to 18? Who initiated the anti-ballistic missile treaty? Who opened diplomatic relations with Communist China? And the list goes on.

Jeb Nixon. He's the one.