Sunday, May 8, 2016

TRUMP APOLOGIZES FOR US-MEXICAN "BORDER WALL" MISCOMMUNICATION

During his recent news conference at the Trump Bayou Golf and Polo Club in Hey Abbott, Louisiana, Donald Trump used the time to set the record straight regarding his immigration policy.

Trump has a dream for 2016

"I never said that I would build such a long, high wall between the United States and Mexico. The Mexican people love me. The press obviously didn't hear me right. They're not very good listeners.What I said was that I would build a mall. A mall, not a wall.The largest, longest, most gorgeous shopping mall in the world. It would be perfectly situated between the United States and Mexico, straddling the entire length of the border, all 1,954 miles of it. How beautiful would that be? To have every imaginable high end retail store offering their goods and services to every immigrant, tourista and day tripper that would obviously find it necessary to make their way through the mall before entering the United States. The economic value would be just tremendous. And it would be a great humanitarian gesture. You know, in a recent poll of Noble Peace Prize winners, I was voted far and away their overwhelming choice for receiving next year's award."

"No more walks through the desert, no more desperate searching for a little bit to eat and drink, Instead, I would place a Trump Gourmet Food Court every mile within the mall, an L.L. Bean every two miles offering all those hard to get size 5.5 extra wide Vibram soled hiking boots and, of course, a diaper dressing station every 3,000 feet to take care of all the little ones. We certainly want their bottoms clean and fresh as they make their way through Trump National Mall before coming into the United States."

"And what happens once they are finished filling all their Nordstrom and Old Navy shopping bags with all the things that make Americans look and smell great? You know, I would not be the super rich bag of wind I am today if I didn't wear the right cologne and the most stylish penny loafers you can buy. What will all those well dressed immigrants need once they enter the United States? I'll tell you what. Otrumpcare! That's right, health insurance. We'll throw out Obamacare (by the way, have you ever seen a worse contract with the American people?) quicker than you can say trophy wife. No more living off the backs of the upper 2%. No more hoping everyone in your insurance pool stays healthy. We'll give them insurance so cheap, so simple, so all encompassing, it will their your head spin. Can you imagine the profit we'll make from all those cabeza spinatoris surgical procedures? Also, no more insurance cards to carry around. If you can name and describe in English the four C's of diamond quality standing on one leg butt naked in front of your doctor, you can not be refused treatment. And what does the "O" stand for in Otrumpcare? It stands for 'Oh, we'll become so rich.' You wait and see."
Donald Trump.
Let's bring pomposity back
to the White House.

"And then, let me tell you a little secret. After just two years in office, you won't be able to tell the difference between the US-Mexican border and the US-Canadian border. And speaking of Canada, one of my first deals in office will be to buy Montreal. I love French food, don't you? And it's quite simple. For the city of Montreal we'll give them Detroit, $26.4 billion dollars (American, not that weak Canadian coinage) and a small mountain range to be named later. It's an offer they can't refuse!"

Friday, November 27, 2015

HILLARY OUTLINES BILL AND CHELSEA'S POSITIONS IN HER FUTURE ADMINISTRATION

Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has released the first outline of future duties and responsibilities for former president Bill Clinton and daughter Chelsea once Mrs. Clinton becomes president.



"Have to also ask mom for France. The
Seine is just insane." 

 Chelsea Clinton, already with her initials scratched into the top drawer of Abraham Lincoln's writing desk when she was previously living in the White House will, pending Congressional approval, become ambassador to Italy, the Vatican and Pappa John's Pizza. When GSR asked Chelsea Clinton's people how she felt about this multi-prong appointment, her people put out the following statement. 

"Chelsea feels that this is the perfect job for her. It brings together many of her finest attributes; a smattering of the Italian language, her love of anything papal and a strong desire to bring Pappa John's specialty pizza, The Works, (beloved by her father) back on the White House Friday night menu."

Tweeting to her 34,456,397 followers, Mrs. Clinton had this to peck away at: "Chelsea has always been the brains behind my policy initiatives while I was Secretary of State. I can't think of another individual with more impressive qualifications necessary to carry out this important assignment.
"Chelsea, want to swap ambassadorships?"


Former president Bill Clinton will also be given an ambassadorship. He, however, will be traveling a little further. Bill has been told to pack his bags and get ready for an eight year stint as ambassador to Easter Island. Although no one on Easter Island has ever heard of the internet, karaoke, Happy Hour or hot grits with tomato gravy, Bill has been assured that he will have open access to the oval office whenever the sun and the Goataurius Minor constellation are in such position to allow radio transmissions to the mainland, 2,368 miles due east.


"It was tough at first," said Mrs. Clinton, "to convince Bill that Easter Island was where he would help me the most. True, you're essentially cut off from the outside world save for the mail plane and Uncle Che-Che's anchovy boat that makes its way to the island about every seven months. And yes, baked albatross is the national dish while the only fish Bill ever eats is catfish. But, when I told him the female to male ratio on the island was 5 to 3, that everyone was pretty much a first cousin of everyone else on the island and that he would be the only American male within 7,749 miles, he jumped at the chance."


However, experts disagree how easy it will be for supposed president Hillary to get her husband's nomination as ambassador to Easter Island through the tough vetting process. Traditionally, the post has gone to seals or scurvy sickened stowaways. However, members of the House and Garden subcommittee on Lascivious Appointments and Erotic Escapades may be hesitant to approve the nomination. We can't think of one reason why. 
Barney Blowhole, current American ambassador to Easter Island.
"No way I'm giving up this cushie post without a fight. I'm going
to boot his ass all the way back to Arkansas."

Friday, November 20, 2015

DECEMBER 5th IS BRUSH YOUR TONGUE AWARENESS DAY

The statistics are startling.
 The American Restaurant Association says that 12% of all people finish their main course in restaurants by licking their plates clean.
Bad tongue habits start early
As well, in 2006 (the last time the survey was conducted) the ASPCA said that 33% of all dog owners give their pet dogs a little tongue at least once per month. Noted as well, a joint study between Brown University's School of Bordello Economics and the Foundation for Sexual Advancement and Trysts found a strong, positive correlation between those landing their first job after college and oral sex. 


Shakespeare, who hasn't written a single word in over 250 years, said our eyes are the windows to the world and our tongues, the 24/ 7 conveyor belt. Words never more true today.

Connie Lingis: Miss Brush Your
Tongue 2012
 In 1998, when President William Jefferson Clinton signed the proclamation naming December 5th, Brush Your Tongue Awareness Day, it signaled a new beginning in the fight to make Americans sit up and take notice as to just where they are putting their tongues and what to do about it afterward.

Remember: there is no 'morning after' tongue pill.

Purposely situated between Thanksgiving and New Years (Turkeys tally tongues, too) this is both a day of oral avian honor and a day hope.

Since that historic signing, December 5th has become the time to look back over the past year and take inventory. The People for the Advancement of Warm, Wet Tongues have offered these 6 warning signs of the dreaded Tongue Abandonment Syndrome.

  1. Do you know how to say the word tongue in more than 4 languages?
  2. Do you wake up more than 3 days per week not knowing where your tongue has been?
  3. Do six tongues make a right?
  4. Is your only goal in life to to tie a cherry stem in a knot with just your tongue?
  5. Do you find yourself short of breath while reading American Lollipop Magazine?  
  6. Do you find it difficult to hold a toothbrush in one hand and your Johnson in the other?

If you can answer yes to two or more of these questions, then all is lost. But, if you can only answer one of these questions in the affirmative, there is hope. Call the number at the bottom of your screen, get ready, ask for Cherry and have your credit card ready.

1-800- ORAL-GLEE4ME
_____________________________________

10 points. In paragraph 5, what does the author mean by the underlined phrase, "your Johnson in the other?"
  1. I think Johnson is slang for a tube of toothpaste
  2.  A sly reference to President Lyndon Baines Johnson.
  3. Was this really an SAT question?
  4. Do you think if I ask Hillary, she'd know?
  5. I'm a girl, I don't have a Johnson.
****************************************
****************************************

DID YOU KNOW...

The first French kiss took place October 15, 1772 between two French Canadians,  Jacques 'Le Tool' Baguette and Francoise "Half a Franc" Cuisine in Montreal, Canada. Thus the term, French Canadian kissing. This term was very quickly dropped and the shorter phrase, French kissing was soon adopted. Eyewitness accounts at the time say that Francoise thought about it afterwards and soon joined a nunnery. Two years later she established the first North American Order of the Sisters of the Immaculate Tongues.
EDITOR'S NOTE: For GSR's 2013 position paper on U.S. Canadian Relations see: http://www.goatsoupradio.com/2013/04/giant-us-canada-land-deal.html



Sunday, September 13, 2015

TRUMP APOLOGIZES FOR US-MEXICAN "BORDER WALL" MISCOMMUNICATION

During his recent news conference at the Trump Bayou Golf and Polo Club in Hey Abbott, Louisiana, Donald Trump used the time to set the record straight regarding his immigration policy.
Trump has a dream for 2016

"I never said that I would build such a long, high wall between the United States and Mexico. The Mexican people love me. The press obviously didn't hear me right. They're not very good listeners.What I said was that I would build a mall. A mall, not a wall.The largest, longest, most gorgeous shopping mall in the world. It would be perfectly situated between the United States and Mexico, straddling the entire length of the border, all 1,954 miles of it. How beautiful would that be? To have every imaginable high end retail store offering their goods and services to every immigrant, tourista and day tripper that would obviously find it necessary to make their way through the mall before entering the United States. The economic value would be just tremendous. And it would be a great humanitarian gesture. You know, in a recent poll of Noble Peace Prize winners, I was voted far and away their overwhelming choice for receiving next year's award."

"No more walks through the desert, no more desperate searching for a little bit to eat and drink, Instead, I would place a Trump Gourmet Food Court every mile within the mall, an L.L. Bean every two miles offering all those hard to get size 5.5 extra wide Vibram soled hiking boots and, of course, a diaper dressing station every 3,000 feet to take care of all the little ones. We certainly want their bottoms clean and fresh as they make their way through Trump National Mall before coming into the United States."

"And what happens once they are finished filling all their Nordstrom and Old Navy shopping bags with all the things that make Americans look and smell great? You know, I would not be the super rich bag of wind I am today if I didn't wear the right cologne and the most stylish penny loafers you can buy. What will all those well dressed immigrants need once they enter the United States? I'll tell you what. Otrumpcare! That's right, health insurance. We'll throw out Obamacare (by the way, have you ever seen a worse contract with the American people?) quicker than you can say trophy wife. No more living off the backs of the upper 2%. No more hoping everyone in your insurance pool stays healthy. We'll give them insurance so cheap, so simple, so all encompassing, it will their your head spin. Can you imagine the profit we'll make from all those cabeza spinatoris surgical procedures? Also, no more insurance cards to carry around. If you can name and describe in English the four C's of diamond quality standing on one leg butt naked in front of your doctor, you can not be refused treatment. And what does the "O" stand for in Otrumpcare? It stands for 'Oh, we'll become so rich.' You wait and see."
Donald Trump.
Let's bring pomposity back
to the White House.

"And then, let me tell you a little secret. After just two years in office, you won't be able to tell the difference between the US-Mexican border and the US-Canadian border. And speaking of Canada, one of my first deals in office will be to buy Montreal. I love French food, don't you? And it's quite simple. For the city of Montreal we'll give them Detroit, $26.4 billion dollars (American, not that weak Canadian coinage) and a small mountain range to be named later. It's an offer they can't refuse!"




Sunday, August 23, 2015

GETTING JEB OUT FROM UNDER THE BUSHES

A SPECIAL GSR POLITICAL EDITORIAL


We really like Jeb Bush. How could you not be smitten by a first name like Jeb or Arlo or TJ? In fact, with a name like that we're voting for him for president! True, his position on immigration, women's issues, education, tax reform, balancing the budget, gay marriage, abortion, climate change, fracking, the EPA, the future of Medicare and foreign policy are incredibly out of touch with reality. Still, We Like Jeb!

JEB HAS THE SPLEEN FOR 2016


However, like all politicians, there is always some black cloud following them around wherever they go. Hillary has the State Department emails. Marco Rubio looks and acts like our 13 year old cousin, Stymie. Governor Christie has Bridgegate and, come to think of it, New Jersey. And with no other way to say it, Trump has Trump and that ridiculous, "I build big, astronomically high rent apartment buildings so I'm fit to become the leader of the free world," BS.

Where does that leave our big bear of a brother, Jeb? No, it wasn't his "deer in the headlights" demeanor during the big debate on national television. No, it's not the fact that he couldn't find Tallahassee the first time he was elected governor of Florida. What's been keeping Jeb down is his last name, Bush. Trying to separate himself from that knucklehead of a younger brother, George is like trying to pull apart two slices of American cheese that have been sitting out all day on the hood of your pickup in the middle of July. You just can't do it!

So, in one of the most contentious editorial board meetings that GSR has ever had, our learned suggestion, nay, our solution to Jeb's problem is this. Change the name, Jeb. You can still keep the fake Navaho Indian belt buckle, the Walmart glasses, the buxom interns, the elevator shoes and the tired story of how you stopped your motorcade last month to allow a mother duck and her eight  little ducklings to cross the road unharmed, even though they carried a banner, "Ducks for Donald". Just change your last name.

Granted, the word bush is easy to pronounce, unless you've just had all your wisdom teeth pulled, and that anyone that owns or rents a home probably has a bush on their property. Most importantly for the polls, not many other candidates have a last name that rhymes with tush. However, sometimes you just have to let go. "Push the Bush" as our esteemed Maryland crab cake correspondent Esther Lester texted everyone around the table.

So, here it is Jeb. It's just a work in progress but by a vote of six to four with three abstentions for   not understanding the question, the editorial board of Goat Soup Radio would like you to change your last name to Nixon. All you have to do is have a news conference and say that you were on ancestry.com last night and found out that Pat Nixon once stayed (after all, it only takes one time so we hear) in the same Abilene, Texas Super 8 as your uncle,  Fester Bush. The press will eat it up!

Jeb. Together, let's put another Nixon
 in the White House.

Why Nixon? Who has the most name recognition of any 20th century president? Who ended the draft? Who founded the EPA? Who signed Title IX, ending female gender bias in college sports? Who supported Israel during the Yom Kippur War? Who lowered the voting age to 18? Who initiated the anti-ballistic missile treaty? Who opened diplomatic relations with Communist China? And the list goes on.

Jeb Nixon. He's the one.

Saturday, August 15, 2015

HILLARY'S SERVERS TAKE THE 5TH AND A COUPLE OF OTHERS. INVESTIGATION STYMIED

A bedtime story.

It's been a difficult couple of months for Hillary Clinton. Despite all the plans, the big donations and the palpable groundswell for a female president, her time as Secretary of State while using her personal email account for both private and State Department communications has created many questions as to whether confidential State Department information has been compromised.

Over 30,000 such emails have been handed over to investigators by Mrs. Clinton. However, federal investigators are still seeking more. Sources say sixteen stalwart sneaky cyber sleuths in the FBI and the State Department's Inspector General Office had been seeking access to Hillary's private servers to once and for all find out what she knew, who she talked to and over what lines of communication she did it on.

Esther Lester being taken to an  
undisclosed location. Is this the end of 
Pax Americana?
Finally, with warrants in hand, investigators entered the private compound of Hillary and Bill Clinton on August 7, 2015 in Chappaquiddick, New York and whisked away the entire serving staff. Namely; Elizabeth McGregor, 46, soup, appetizer and continuous napkin folder, Richard McDonald, 54, starch, veggie server and reluctant food taster and Esther Lester, 68, main course, dessert and lighter of disgusting after dinner cigars.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Yes we know they live in Chapaaqua, but who the hell can spell it? The spell check (we swear) only offered us Chappaquiddick. There's a strange moral here, somewhere. With the exception of spell check (after all, we're not animals), our policy is never to search the internet for information. If it wasn't in the required reading list for our high school equivalency diplomas, it doesn't exist. Never did, never will.

Our story continues.
Untouched were two upstairs maids, the butler of the foyer and (Bill's favorite) the lithesome but stern, Olga MacFarland, 25, drawer of baths, hander of warm towels and all around fun server to be with on a rainy afternoon with no speeches to give or slimy deals to be made.


"She don't know nothin', chief".
Taken to an undisclosed location behind Starbucks on 3rd and 59th in Manhattan, the three food servers were denied access to  lawyers, lunch and ladles. Then, failing to follow even the most basic of international laws against torture, dinner was served buffet style. Alas, this was almost too much for our little band of indentured servants to bear. Too many of their brothers and sisters had lost their food service jobs with that simple word, buffet (naturally, French in origin).

For 40 days and 40 nights, if you can believe Entertainment Tonight Jerusalem, the meanest, baddest, smelliest men in the FBI tried to get McGregor, McDonald and Lester to come up with the goods on the most honest, sincere, loyal, truly funny, hardest working,
Now that Hillary won't be wearing
orange anytime soon, VP Biden
considers whether to run for
 nomination.
warmhearted Democratic female contender for the presidential race, but they wouldn't budge. Taking the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th Amendments they were eventually let go.Thrown out of the back of a moving van on the Major Deegan Expressway, the three servants, bruised but not broken, made their way back to Chappaquiddick just in time for Sunday tea.


The end.

*********************************

SERVANT. A person of either sex who is in the service of a master or mistress; one who is under obligation to work for the benefit of a superior and to obey his (or her) commands.
c. 1386 Chaucer.  Prol. 101. A YEMAN hadde he and servantz namo. At that tyme, for hym liste ride soo;
trans.to Mod. English.  A YEOMAN had he at his side, No more servants, for he chose so to ride;

Monday, August 10, 2015

TRUMP OUTLINES FIRST DAYS IN WHITE HOUSE (IF ELECTED)

Perhaps he was getting ahead of himself, perhaps not. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump told the crowd at a fundraiser for tired and worn out Rolex watches that, if elected,  he would immediately "give the American people what they want and more. It would begin with my triumphant inauguration and continue throughout my years as president or until I own all of Manhattan and America's national parks, whichever comes first."


I.  Inauguration.  "Do you know how many people catch cold standing outside during a presidential inauguration? As my first act as president, I will keep the American people safe and healthy by having it at my private Caribbean Island, Trump Island. My plan is to keep it small, regal and humble. Only the first 300 super rich Americans that arrive on yachts no less than 400 feet in length or private jets (not the leased kind), will get to attend. As well, service will be provided by hard working, exploited minorities with clean police records and willing to work for the minimum. If they want to get paid more, let them buy an apartment building and become a landlord."

II. USGS. "And what the hell does the US Geological Survey do all day? I'll give them something to do. Are you aware how much undeveloped land there is right in Central Park in the middle of Manhattan? I say it's time to see what we've got there.We desperately need affordable housing for the upper, upper, upper middle class. I'd call it my Louisiana Purchase...and then I'd buy Louisiana."

III. Department of Education. "Here's another loser. Why spend four years in college when all you have to do is watch two seasons of "The Apprentice"?

IV. Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives. "Now you're talking. Real men (and real women) carry a firearm, smoke Cuban cigars and always have their limos stocked with the best imported French wines that you can't find at Costco.  These great Americans also know how to clear out a parcel of prime real estate with a single stick of dynamite faster than you can say 'eminent domain'. I think those people over there are doing a fine job"!

V. NASA.  I've been competing against the Chinese for years. And I've always won. I eat Chinese for breakfast and I can tell you they want the moon. So it's time to go back to the moon before the Chinese do. Only this time, in place of astronauts, I'll send up a half dozen real estate agents, a couple of  'Crater For Sale or Lease' signs and a few dozen freshly baked apple pies. If the Chinese want the moon they'll have to lease the damn thing from me. Sorry, I mean us."  


VI.  DTS.  I would immediately create the Department of Tycoon Security. People should know that 84% of all the wealth in this country is owned by 7% of the people in this country. I have always said that I will fight to protect minorities and this is just one example of my munificence."


"To serve and protect 
America's tycoons"



III. The White House.  "I already have six houses throughout the Western Hemisphere. What do I need another one for? Especially a fixer upper like the White House. I could keep Angie's List busy there for years. My plan on day one is to begin leasing it out as the Trump White House B & B. Whenever I'm in DC, I'll just pull  out a credenza over at the Treasury Department and stay there for the night filling my pockets. Who's going to stop me?"

IV.  The Pentagon. "This was a fine old building in it's day but that day has passed. I know how to empty out a building of tenants, level the land and put down a private, members only golf club with all the amenities you would expect from a rich, take no prisoners, misogynistic, egotistical, right wing, hair challenged, pompous, small wienered developer like myself."
"I've often said that the Pentagon needed more windows
with an adjacent 18 hole Trump Golf Course. Can you see
the top of the Washington Monument behind the 
newly renovated Pentagon, just behind my right ear?"


"Best, therefore, withhold any amazement at the strangely gallied whales before us, for there is no folly of the beasts of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." - Herman Melville. Moby Dick or The Whale.