Friday, May 22, 2015


Takes morning waitressing job at Lulu’s Coffee Shop in Nashua for duration of state primary race.

Continuing her pledge to represent the common men and women of this country, Hillary Clinton has put away the Brooks Brothers pinstriped three button suit and the Stuart Weitzman Power Dress Pumps for a Sears exclusive Tina Fey Collection shirt and slacks, a pair of Easy Spirit Mary Janes (size 11, who knew?) and a three pocket black apron. Beginning her shift at 5:00 AM she has been greeting the local farmhands, truckers and early risers with a big smile, a hot pot of Lulu’s famous dark brewed coffee and a handwritten "Vote for Hillary and I'll Forgo My Tip" paper napkin.

“As a globe-trotting Secretary of State you spend a lot of time in coffee shops," said Mrs. Clinton. "I've always found that the waitress, whether in Beirut, Ho Chi Minh City or Johannesburg, always has the ear of the customer. Particularly when it comes down to a choice of either the pot roast with whipped mashed potatoes or the cobb salad with grilled shrimp. On a personal note, I am proud to say that when I was Secretary of State I submitted more Yelp reviews on coffee shops throughout the world than any other federal employee in the Obama administration.”

Leftists love Lulu's liver.

Standing against a wall in the back alley behind Lulu's, Mrs. Clinton took her five minute mid-morning break. With one last drag of her Virginia Slims cigarette, she flicked it to the ground and continued. "I've spent thousands of dollars listening to consultants how best to connect with Mr. and Mrs. John Q. Pubic. Waitressing is the best way that I've found so far. Nothing works better to keep the conversation going than handing over a clean menu, keeping the ketchup bottles full and bending over the table just enough to throw a hint of cleavage the customer's way. Besides, what's more American than being served a piping hot stack of blueberry pancakes, talking politics and a husband that did not have sexual relations with that woman? "

Republican hopefuls have taken notice. Next week, Marco Rubio will be towel drying cars Monday through Thursday (never a charge for car mats ) at Elsie's Suds City in Exeter, New Hampshire. Texas Senator Ted Cruz plans to be behind the counter at Roy's Smoked Pig Emporium, while Governor Christie, with his intimate knowledge of bridges and highways, has landed a job with the Town of Nashua's roadkill pickup crew ("you squash 'em, we wash 'em").

Ted Cruz lets Carly Fiorina know that they're 
hiring at Dick's Garden Nursery.

Unfortunately, it hasn't been smooth sailing for former Florida Governor, Jeb Bush. Looking to show himself to be a man of the people and score some deep discounts as well, Mr. Bush applied to every store in the Lake Winnipesaukee Outlet Mall but never got a call back. Although deeply disappointed, Jeb hasn't given up looking. With the help of the Bush Library he is rumored to be rewriting his resume and working on making eye contact. He's also asked his mother to drive him around to more stores this time and it's hoped that this will help.


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