Sunday, September 13, 2015

TRUMP APOLOGIZES FOR US-MEXICAN "BORDER WALL" MISCOMMUNICATION

During his recent news conference at the Trump Bayou Golf and Polo Club in Hey Abbott, Louisiana, Donald Trump used the time to set the record straight regarding his immigration policy.
Trump has a dream for 2016

"I never said that I would build such a long, high wall between the United States and Mexico. The Mexican people love me. The press obviously didn't hear me right. They're not very good listeners.What I said was that I would build a mall. A mall, not a wall.The largest, longest, most gorgeous shopping mall in the world. It would be perfectly situated between the United States and Mexico, straddling the entire length of the border, all 1,954 miles of it. How beautiful would that be? To have every imaginable high end retail store offering their goods and services to every immigrant, tourista and day tripper that would obviously find it necessary to make their way through the mall before entering the United States. The economic value would be just tremendous. And it would be a great humanitarian gesture. You know, in a recent poll of Noble Peace Prize winners, I was voted far and away their overwhelming choice for receiving next year's award."

"No more walks through the desert, no more desperate searching for a little bit to eat and drink, Instead, I would place a Trump Gourmet Food Court every mile within the mall, an L.L. Bean every two miles offering all those hard to get size 5.5 extra wide Vibram soled hiking boots and, of course, a diaper dressing station every 3,000 feet to take care of all the little ones. We certainly want their bottoms clean and fresh as they make their way through Trump National Mall before coming into the United States."

"And what happens once they are finished filling all their Nordstrom and Old Navy shopping bags with all the things that make Americans look and smell great? You know, I would not be the super rich bag of wind I am today if I didn't wear the right cologne and the most stylish penny loafers you can buy. What will all those well dressed immigrants need once they enter the United States? I'll tell you what. Otrumpcare! That's right, health insurance. We'll throw out Obamacare (by the way, have you ever seen a worse contract with the American people?) quicker than you can say trophy wife. No more living off the backs of the upper 2%. No more hoping everyone in your insurance pool stays healthy. We'll give them insurance so cheap, so simple, so all encompassing, it will their your head spin. Can you imagine the profit we'll make from all those cabeza spinatoris surgical procedures? Also, no more insurance cards to carry around. If you can name and describe in English the four C's of diamond quality standing on one leg butt naked in front of your doctor, you can not be refused treatment. And what does the "O" stand for in Otrumpcare? It stands for 'Oh, we'll become so rich.' You wait and see."
Donald Trump.
Let's bring pomposity back
to the White House.

"And then, let me tell you a little secret. After just two years in office, you won't be able to tell the difference between the US-Mexican border and the US-Canadian border. And speaking of Canada, one of my first deals in office will be to buy Montreal. I love French food, don't you? And it's quite simple. For the city of Montreal we'll give them Detroit, $26.4 billion dollars (American, not that weak Canadian coinage) and a small mountain range to be named later. It's an offer they can't refuse!"