"We usually report about seasonal changes in the weather, outdated seed packages and the occasional middle age cougar running after her gardener," said assistant editor Mike Monocot. "But with this story and Miley on the cover, we've tripled our subscription base, changed our name to BG Magazine and we'll be inaugurating a BG Plantmate of the Month centerfold beginning with a Hot Red Asiatic Lily in the up-coming February issue."
|If you can't do the time, don't do the crime.|
The plant is accused of trying to make contact with Miley Cyrus several times.When it was arrested, the police found a letter it had written to Ms. Cyrus's business manager, Hey Abbott. In it, the alleged stalker asks that "the love of my life feed me a juicy house fly, twice daily, by placing it directly on my sensitive but firm trigger hairs." EDITOR'S NOTE: The steamy, botanically pornographic letter goes on for two more pages but Goat Soup Radio, having been warned before by the FCC to "cease and desist with all the T and A stuff", has decided not to publish the fly-traps creative rantings. Of course, anyone is welcome to come by the office and, for a small fee, get their greasy little hands on the letter.
The Venus fly-trap has been identified as Dion Muscipula of Deadman's Bog, North Carolina He is being held on $25,000 bond pending his day in Crop Rotation Court. For jailed plants it's one hour of sunlight per day and one 4 oz. spray of water every other day. Packages brought into the jail by visitors will be screened for fertilizer, trowels and seed catalogues. Conjugal visits for the purpose of pollination are strictly forbidden.
Question: How did Mr. Muscipula fall so far from grace? We at Goat Soup Radio really didn't want to know, nor did we care. But, with Sally's Bar and Famous Tacos not opening for another two hours, we decided to investigate the dark secrets behind this craven Venus fly-trap, this interloper from hell.
But first, a word from our sponsor.
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And don't forget. Real cowgirls don't eat raisin bran.
And now, back to the thrilling conclusion of, "Miley Cyrus Stalker Arrested," which is already in progress.
Jimmy Jones, cub detective: "I still don't get it, lieutenant. How did you know it was Dion?"
Vic Karp, detective: It wasn't easy, Jimmy. But, after you've sent as many plants up the river as I have, it just comes natural. Like always knowing which end of my beer bottle is up."
Jimmy Jones: "Gosh, lieutenant. What gave it away?"
Vic Karp: "Jimmy, did you ever notice how Dion's stalk never quite fit in with the other Venus fly-trap stalks?"
Jimmy Jones: "So the stalker's stalk showed some serious subtleties of sexual subterfuge?"
Vic Karp: "Jimmy, I'm beginning to see those freckles of yours are not just for decoration."
CAMERA PULLS BACK SLOWLY.
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