Monday, January 20, 2014


Even after his two hour news conference and his State of the State speech, Governor Christie has decided to reach out once again and apologize to the people of Fort Lee. Standing on the steps of Fort Lee's Thruway Diner, the Governor has promised to begin taking every resident of Fort Lee out to lunch, four at a time, beginning February 1. Those detained in the long lines of traffic will also either have a rest stop on the New Jersey Turnpike named after them or be nominated as Governor Christie 's Vice Presidential running mate for 2016. The governor's non-gender spokesperson, Mabel Able made the following announcement:

The Aaron family, patiently waiting
for the governor at the diner.
 "Let me say that I had nothing to do with ordering the lane closures on the George Washington Bridge. All those  traffic cones. Deep carrot orange is just not my color. As well, some of my best friends are pro-abortion, anti-creationist, Affordable Care Act, tax the rich, stop the war, liberal to a fault, support the middle class, help the poor, bleeding heart, democrats. Getting back to this lunch thing, well, you know how the governor likes to break bread, lots of it. So, the governor has reserved table 27 of the Thruway Diner for the next 24.782 years and will treat every Fort Lee resident to lunch, alphabetically. The guests will choose from the lunch menu and no doggie bags, please. Because he's paying, the governor will be ordering from the full menu and every Friday when the soup special is split pea, taking two orders to go with extra croutons. Also, he likes to leave with a full bread basket."

GSR is reporting that Zeke and Zeidi Zogowitz and their two children, twelve year old Ziploch (from the ancient Hebrew, "if only Noah had some of these") and nine year old Zuwaha (from the Swahili, "the cows are dead in the north pasture") of 58 Zebediah Lane, Fort Lee, have decided to decline the governor's kind invitation and have made their own reservations at Applebee's for Tuesday, August 7, 2048 at 6:00 pm.

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