Monday, July 14, 2014


Imagine whitening your teeth the same way some of Hollywood's biggest stars do. GSR wants to let you in on their secret. But first, ask yourself these five questions:
  • Are you on the American Dental Association's 'Do Not Treat List'?
  • When you open your mouth are astronomers reminded of a black hole?
  • Are your teeth so yellow, when you open your mouth cars slow down thinking it's a yellow traffic light?
  • Have you spent all of your money with commercial teeth whiteners but to no avail?
  • Do the bristles of your toothbrush dissolve away after only a few days of use?
  • Has your breath been designated a toxic Superfund site?

If you answered yes to all of the above questions, then it's all in
God's hands. But, if you answered no to two or more questions, then there is hope.
"Why"? you may ask. "Especially after I've been clean and sober all these 12 weeks do I need to address this issue?" 

A recent survey in Car and Bar Magazine found that poor oral hygiene is only behind a runny nose and projectile vomiting when it comes to wanting to better oneself. Consider these questions. Do you really want to wait 20 years when the amount of atmospheric carbon dioxide reaches 450 ppm before taking action? Are you prepared to empty out all of Walmart's Oral Hygiene shelves just to score a date? Of course not, comrade.

So here's GSR's Personal Makeover Tip Number 327.
  1. Visit your favorite office supply store and pick up a bottle of Sylvia's Liquid White Up Correction fluid.
  2. Purchase a bottle of Babushka's Nail Hardener Solution at your local pharmacy.
  3. Go home, have a beer or two, and then add seven drops of Babushka's Nail Hardener to Sylvia's Liquid White Up.
  4. Close the screw cap tight and then shake that bottle like your hand was on fire.
  5. Then, stand in front of a mirror and give us that stupid little grin you're famous for.
  6. Open the cap and with the included applicator brush begin applying the solution to all of your remaining teeth.
  7. To allow the solution to dry thoroughly, we suggest you count to 5,345 backwards before closing your mouth. 
    Remember: Tip #326 also works
    for your pets

Reapply every 437 days or before you become psychotic, whichever comes first.
Future Makeover Tips include:
Number 327. Turn your smelly feet into your best friends.
Number 328. Use those fingernail clippings for that special holiday garnish.
Number 329. Eliminating nasal hair with only a single lit match.

FDA RED LABEL WARNING: Spilling just a few drops of Babushka's Nail Hardener on one's Johnson requires prompt medical attention. Until  help arrives, immediately immerse the boner in Chan's Old Fashioned Duck Sauce. Remember, seconds count!

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