Monday, August 11, 2014


Independent Media Stream recently announced its latest 20 day statistical study on the biggest drivers of net referrals, web traffic and turning off your computer and just going out for a nice quiet walk. Moving up behind Facebook, Yahoo and Gunga Din, Goat Soup Radio has increased listeners to its web site by more than 459% in the last lunar cycle.

Artist rendition of Betty Bisquick, GSR's
 1M page viewer on July 23, 2014.

How did two unemployed small engine repair servicemen take their dream of becoming the voice of downtown Phoenix and turn it into the internet juggernaut that has become Goat Soup Radio in just 17 short months? Where did Steve and Lee Ryman develop their well honed skills in comedy, journalism, pick-up lines, political savvy and the ability to inspire the 12,456 employees of GSR (12,448 interns, 5 grill masters, two professional steer wrestling champions and one yodeling cowgirl) to ever greater heights of critical writing, baby talk discourse, fragrant French fuzzy farts, copyright infringement and donkey pong?

Was it their ability to put on a French-Canadian accent at a moment’s notice? Their color coordinated flip flops? Their predilection for Mexican beer, nude karaoke and Colonel Frank's Military Strength Bubble Bath Soap?

True, the employment numbers are slightly exaggerated by about 12,454. And, there is no yodeling cowgirl. However, Steve swears that Lindsay, a girl he dated about three years ago, used to yodel in bed, although it was embarrassingly painful to listen to. 
GSR's imaginary 12,454 employees
would probably want to do this
everyday during lunch.

Editor's Note (just before he quit): About the only thing GSR can really lay claim to is consistency. After 17 months of weekly tirades against everybody and everything, GSR still hasn't garnered any followers, comments or a single,"Waz up?". What's the point? I'm still living at home, I can't find my skateboard and my iphone hasn't worked in six months.

However, things are starting to turn around. The Securities and No Change Commission has contacted our lawyer in Folsom Prison, Esther Lester (inmate no. 4857-AC/DC), demanding an explanation as to how we have monopolized the web in so short a time. Not wishing to be put in time out, GSR has decided to come clean and present their Eight Rules For Telling A Joke. 
  1. Jokes must be told in English. It doesn't help if the waitress ein grobes Durcheinander ihre Hose. 
  2. Very long jokes better have something to do with sex.
  3. If you plan on telling a joke in a bar while sitting on a swivel type bar stool, unless the person you are telling the joke to is very, very fat, do not twist more than 18 degrees in any direction.
  4. When telling a joke to a very short person try not to drool.
  5. To make a joke even better, get naked. Things tend to shake.
  6. Never tell a really good joke standing directly in front of someone who is eating Cheerios out of the box.
  7. Just like a sentence, a joke must have a subject and a predicate. We're not sure what a predicate is, but try not to be the subject of your own joke.
  8. It is never a good idea to tell a joke to someone who is retaining water.

No comments:

Post a Comment