Tuesday, August 26, 2014


Is the IRS slowly eating you alive? Don't you want to stop filling all your empty peanut butter jars with your hard won tens and twenties? Or are you a 56 year old middle school art teacher (a complete failure at internet dating, by the way) who has saved every penny you've ever earned, always turned off the lights when leaving the room and has brought the same boring cucumber and lettuce sandwich to school every day for the past 23 years?

Gooch's All Night Island Towing and Asset Management Group would love to hear from you! Not one of the 7,387 other asset management companies on our tropical, sunny island of Little Cay can hide your money better and change your car's windshield wipers faster then us. We've been in the business since 1998 with 17 U.S outstanding warrants, 46 subpoenas and no convictions!
Harvey says, "Thanks to Mr. Gooch,
I'll now be able to take it all with me."

Editor's Note: The etymological  origin of the word 'asset' is unknown. However, the first known use of the word (for the listener's convenience, here set in bold)  is found in William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet.

ACT 2 Sc. 4
ROMEO  Reason not the need. Pray tell, hast thou spied Juliet, what a beautiful ass et seems to be.

Really, why hide your money somewhere on Little Cay and not also have the peace of mind of never having to fix a flat yourself? Do you really want to come down here and give all your assets to some elitist, ivy league graduate who only cares about his golf swing and upcoming divorce so he can finally score his trophy wife?


I have a lot of money invested in a hog farm in North Dakota. How many hogs can you keep for me?
What, are you crazy? If you want to put all that bacon somewhere, send it over to IHOP. This ain't no barnyard.

I am a high net worth client. Can you accommodate me? 
Brother, you come down here and we'll set you up real good. Homemade Jamaican beef patties, your own take home beach towel and all the curry goat you can eat.

Can a foreigner open a bank account in Little Cay?
Now what you want to go do that for man? You just bring over all your cash, gold and diamonds to Mr. Gooch and don't you worry about any of that.

What if I'm followed down to Little Cay?
Not to worry man. They may fly into Little Cay on Antigua Air but they'll be flying out of Little Cay on little angel wings.


Just listen to what some of our handful of customers have to say about Gooch's All Night Towing and Asset Management Group:

"I've been stealing from my company for years. I was rolling in dead presidents. Fancy cars, jewelry, my own line of organic staple guns. But I still couldn't hide it quickly enough from the wife and kids. Then, I heard of Gooch's. Now I get to keep all of my money and I don't need my AAA card anymore." - Esther Lester III, Goldilocks, Texas.

"Yes, I had a Gooch account in Little Cay. My money was safe but then I got careless and I began to keep some extra cash in one of those Swiss banks you keep hearing about. Big mistake. The feds stepped in and now all I get for breakfast is water and powdered eggs." - Earl O. Glouschester, Inmate no. 584739. Aurora Prison for the Criminally Inept and Stupid, This-Ain't-No-Alcatraz, Maine.

"I sent Mr. Gooch $8.98 that I saved from my lemonade stand. Now I wanna buy a goldfish but he won't let me have any of my money back. That's not fair. I want my money!" - Little Tommy Gunn, 7, Crybaby, Illinois.


And remember...

 Gooch's All Night Towing and Asset Management Group is a founding member of the Little Cay Better Business Bureau for the Betterment of Us and Screw Everyone Else.

1 comment:

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