Saturday, September 27, 2014



After three hours of intense debate, the House of Representatives narrowly passed the American Turkey Reprieve Bill (HR No. BIRD-485). Perched high above the steps of the Capitol, Representative Warren G. Breastbone made the historic announcement. "Between those who wanted to stuff themselves each Thanksgiving with turkey and those that wanted to give all turkeys the right to a long and prosperous life, a compromise has been reached. By moving the holiday to January, turkeys from coast to coast will have an additional two months to kick around the barnyard, grow fat with their friends and family and live long enough to find out who won the Superbowl. Some may say that two months is just not enough but we must keep in mind that a turkey year is the same as 18 human years.... I think. Once the National Cranberry Sauce Association signs on, we think it'll fly."

It may be too late here for Fred but we're
sure he's smiling down from avian heaven.

Snood Wattle, spokesperson for Turkeys Have Rights And Souls, Hombre (THRASH) put out the following statement:  "A simple presidential pardon of just one turkey each year by the president was unacceptable. Why should that one pardoned turkey carry all that guilt? Let the word go forth from this time and place that each and every turkey deserves his or her share of the American sweet potato pie."

Baste University recently polled 1,246 turkeys and asked if they preferred the extra two months of life or would they rather be electrocuted, decapitated, plucked and frozen for the traditional November date. By a margin of 1,242 to 3, the preference was to wait until January. One turkey wasn't home and three turkeys liked the fact that Thanksgiving fell on the last Thursday in November and said they couldn't wait to become tomorrow's leftovers. 
Editor's Note: These three suicidal birds have since received intensive psychological help and are now doing much better except for the occasional quack. The one non respondent turkey came home Tuesday and has since found a job at Whole Foods collecting shopping carts in the parking lot.

Goat Soup Radio has obtained through the Freedom of Giblet Act, the previously double secret hidden political  platform of THRASH and is presenting it here for your listening pleasure.

  1. Every turkey deserves to live a long and fruitful life regardless of how juicy its breast meat is.
  2. Shoved into a turkey's breast, those sharp, pointy pop up turkey timers represent a form of cruel and unusual punishment and should be replaced by non invasive digital scanning thermometers.
  3. Gay. lesbian and transgender turkeys should be allowed to add their significant other onto their health insurance plan.
  4. People should be made aware that saying that someone has a turkey neck is a compliment and not a derisive comment.
  5. Over 10 million turkey wishbones are snatched from turkeys annually and maliciously torn apart. The federal government should immediately begin work on creating the world's first sure-grip stem cell wishbone.
  6. Roasting turns the skin of a turkey golden brown which can cause premature age spots (the dreaded turkey freckleiasis). Before placing the turkey in the oven, only apply butter or oil to the turkey skin with an SPF14 rating or higher. 
  7. Most turkeys do not stay in school past the eighth grade. All turkeys should be encouraged to graduate on time. 
  8. Congress should pass the Free Range Turkey Bill permitting turkeys to travel throughout the United States and Canada without the threat of being mistaken for an ostrich and shot.
  9. Turkey pot pies are primitive, vestigial hold outs from 18th century American colonial recipes at their worst and should be immediately outlawed under penalty of no less than three days of painful pernicious public pubic pecking.
  10. Eat a leg, plant a leg. Turkeys once roamed the Americas in the millions. Sadly, their numbers have dwindled. After finishing that moist, meaty turkey leg, go out to the garden, plant the uneaten leg at least six inches below ground, water carefully and help fill the skies once again with that American of all birds.
  11. Eleven? You try to write one of these. 
RIGHT: I wish I was 6 inches taller and had a smaller forehead.
LEFT:  I wish I could find someone else to date besides this mellon head.

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