Saturday, September 6, 2014


Yesterday, Hollywood's 'D', 'E' and 'F' list paid their final respects to Clair Voyant, one of the most powerful figures in movies, television and Greek oracles. Known in the trade as an-expensive-know-it-all-before-it-happens, Ms. Voyant, Ouija to her friends, epitomized the typical Hollywood story.

Growing up under her parents kitchen sink in I Liked Being a Territory, Idaho and never seeing a can opener until she was 12, Ms. Voyant could only picture in her mind what it would be like to run through a school playground, the air whistling through her hair and not hitting her head on a drain pipe. But I digress.
No car? Just call us up. Note
official Clair's uniform and cap.

After making her way west in the back of a cabbage truck, Clair knew she'd score big.Time and time again she was able to pick Hollywood's winners and losers: the movies, the stars, the boob jobs, the elevated shoes. It was said that for $500, Clair would choose for you the right movie project, tomorrow's wardrobe and your next colonoscopy. 

Pinching her pennies and many a cheek among Hollywood's glitterati, Clair opened her first fortune telling storefront. One store became five and soon, Clair's House of Clairvoyance became one of the most successful franchises around. With over 650 storefront fortune tellers, many with Clair's exclusive Read Your Palm drive-through windows, Clair Voyant made her fortune. Famous for creating the concept of  "super-timing"  one's session from the regular 20 minutes to an extra large 50 minutes of predictions, prognostications and pure nonsense, Clair's House of Clairvoyance left her competition far behind.

Taken right from the prospectus of Clair's House of Clairvoyance, here are seven reasons why you should become an owner of one of the fastest growing franchises in the world.

  1. Be your own boss, set your own hours and find out how to fleece anyone.
  2. Learn how to levitate, walk on the ceiling and make howling, creepy sounds just by pulling on your ear lobe.
  3. Make new friends with dead people.
  4. Become really good at shaking tables without anyone seeing you do it.
  5. Once you get the hang of teleporting your mind, you'll never loose a sock again.
  6. By always having to keep the room dark, you'll cut your monthly utility bills in half.
  7. Ready to retire? Drill three holes into your crystal ball and take up bowling.
Still not convinced that Clair's House of Clairvoyance isn't the best investment you could make? Go ask someone at McDonald's if you should put all your money into Balkan organic clam farming and see what kind of an answer you get.

Hesitant? Listen to Clair (from Beyond) and know that you're making the right decision. 

"Comrade, Are you tired of working in a dead end job when you could be working with dead people, not to mention a beloved dead pet once in a while? Haven't you had your fill of bending over every time the boss comes around when you could be bending forks and spoons just by thinking it? But let's be really honest. It's not the money, is it? We both know it's the power! Here I am standing right behind you, whispering in your ear and I'm dead. True, you're an idiot. But isn't that the point? Comrade, let me make you rich!"

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