Tuesday, December 16, 2014


Let's be real. You're standing in the wings of the Kennedy Center in Washington D.C, waiting to accept your lifetime achievement award for always finishing the beer in front of you before beginning another. And you're just one half mile from where one of our greatest presidents, Richard Milhous Nixon got us out of Vietnam, opened China, ended the draft, established the EPA, signed Title IX, thus ending gender bias in colleges and universities, established American Indian tribal self determination, participated in the Strategic Arms Limitation Talks, signed the Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaty, supported a military coup against Chilean Marxist President Salvador Allende, actively supported Israel during the Yom Kippur War and sank millions and millions of dollars into the war against cancer. Need I go on?

Anyway, there you are about to walk onstage and be handed your hard earned award from some six foot two inch red haired super uber model (born in some Alpine country somewhere) who's wearing nothing but two pieces of dental floss and seven inch black stilettos with the leather straps that go up the ankles when you feel the mother of all sneezes coming on.

Here are your choices:
  1. Just let it happen and probably sneeze all over the hottest girl you've ever been within two miles of.
  2. Try to hold it in and walk on stage, mouth open, face and upper body clenched tight, eyes almost shut, breathing rapidly and not able to speak or think.
  3. Run out of there, go back to Phoenix, live your sorry life unrecognized for anything, gain 30 pounds, become hypertensive and die in the men's room of Sally's Taco and Beer Cantina.
  4. Or... you can take just one Qwik-Sneeze tablet, sneeze before anyone notices, go onstage, get your award, lock lips with Francesca, go back to Phoenix and never feel embarrassed about falling off a bar stool again.
Even sneezing and praying at the same time won't
help. Clint could use a Qwik-Sneeze.
The choice is easy and the one and only brand you can trust is Flim Flam Phlegm Pharmaceutical's Qwik-Sneeze. Since 2012, Qwik-Sneeze has been there for people that are just too loud and too gross when they have to let out that big sneeze.

Look, if you're going to sneeze why not control it before it controls you? Why not get ahead of the game and take a Qwik-Sneeze when needed and quickly and quietly sneeze into your shirtsleeve, your sandwich or your friend's sandwich? Really, don't you draw enough attention to yourself in life already with your B.O., your hairy ears and your nail biting?  Also, do you think it's fun for someone else having to count Mississippis while waiting for your latent sneeze to appear so they can say "Gesundheit" and move on?

Editor's Note:  Ever since Popovich's 1972 groundbreaking study showing that a sneeze is equal to 1/10 of an orgasm, people have been seeking the holy grail of medicine: the constant, unremitting sneezing pill. Now, with Qwik-Sneeze, as long as you are into quickies, you're set for life!

And now it's easy. Qwik-Sneeze is available in both tablet and gel capsule form. Are you one of those who find it difficult swallowing pills and capsules? Qwik-Sneeze is now available in our patented easy-to-swallow faux raw clam gelatinous glop.

FDA Red Label Warning.
The effect of taking more than five Qwik-Sneeze units in a single 24-hour period has not been established, However, should you find yourself one day sneezing uncontrollably, slobbering all over your friends and causing wide spread outbreaks of the flu in cities you've never been to, then follow these simple rules:

  1. Take a long hot shower.
  2. Bring your best outfit to the dry cleaners.
  3. Shine your shoes.
  4. Purchase the largest bread you can find that comes in its own plastic bag, remove the bread and get into the bag.
  5. Wait for The End. A good drink or two is permissible as well as sex (if available). 

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