Tuesday, December 30, 2014


Obama To Convene "Super Economist Group".
Goldman Sacks 'O Money Begins Charging For Meals In Company Cafeteria.

The Marini Clipper Index, one of the most internationally recognized barometers of the health of the American economy took a big hit today. With its uncanny ability to describe the dollar's value (past, present and future) with great accuracy and human pathos, the Index is also known to be 99.95% immune against falsehoods, flubs, flops, fallacies, falsettos, falsies and flatulence. Today's announcement of its near total collapse appears to have quartered the yen, diced the euro and grated the British pound quicker than you can freeze a bunch of screaming, kicking earthworms by sticking them in your kitchen freezer right next to your favorite bottle of chilled vodka.

Since its creation in 1934 when Professor Marini Pannini of Yale University's School of Neat Rope Tricks first published his groundbreaking solution to the Six Mallomars on a Train Problem, the Marini Clipper Economic Index has been the cornerstone of nearly every economic decision that the Federal Reserve, the U.S. Treasury Department and Gooch's All Night Towing Service have made.

Marini Clipper Economic Index
takes a dive. Is anything safe

Editor's Note: To fully understand the Marini Clipper Economic Index, the following information has been lifted, without permission, from the award winning documentary "Advancing Our Cause: The Nail Clipper, the Great Depression and Me". 

Often, big ideas start with an idea that just gets bigger. So it was with Dr. Fred Munckshoe, the only podiatrist in I Liked It Better When We Were a Territory, Idaho. It was April 16, 1932 when Dr. Munkshoe broke his only nail clipper on Little Sam Harden's left big toenail. Needing a replacement, the good doctor bought a new nail clipper from his supplier who then sent Dr. Muckshoe a thank you note. Fast forward one week (leaving out for the moment Dr. Muckshoe's strange dalliance with the widow Kitteridge, 20 years his senior and seven inches taller) Dr. Muckshoe came to a really ridiculous conclusion. "Suppose," he says, "that if more people ordered even more nail clippers, well then, wouldn't even more people become happy with their lot in life? Wouldn't that just be swell for the entire nation?"

This was his great spark of genius, his epiphany, and his gesundheit all rolled up into one big cheese gnocchi. "All I have to do", he said, "was count the number of nail clippers purchased nationwide, divide by something or other and thus have a single arithmetic value of America's economic strength. Why didn't I think of it when I still had my license?"

The final scene in the documentary shows Dr. Muckshoe driving north to Yale University (he mistakenly thought Yale was in Billings, Montana) to convince the famous professor, Marini Pannini, that the Great Depression could be overcome by putting more nail clippers into the hands of America's downtrodden and unemployed. Thankfully, the documentary ends with the evil Professor Pannini being hauled off to jail after having stuffed Dr. Munkshoe, his nail clippers and poor Mrs. Kitteridge into a trunk and mailing them all off to Where's My Next Beer Coming From, Australia.

What does all this have to do with the price of a half dozen hot wings at Sally's Cantina and U.S. Post Office Substation? We don't know. But the next time you visit Norway and have to exchange American dollars for Norweigian ikeas (or whatever they use there) you can thank "Too Tall" Kitteridge for all those crisp 500 Norweigian bills you have in your pocket.

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