Sunday, April 12, 2015


Mount Olympus announced today that Zeus, 8,347, will be directly participating in the round table discussions between the Greek government and the 17 members of the European Union in an effort to reach an agreement over Greece's economic situation.

In an exclusive interview, Esther Lester, GSR's Other Worldly Correspondent levitated with the Olympian deity Apollo to ask his opinion of the new Greek initiative. Mr. Apollo, whose resume includes god of music, art, poetry, plague, healing, manly beauty and archery began with the usual boilerplate Mount Olympus disclaimer: "First, let me say that the opinions I will express here today are solely mine and do not represent the opinion of any other gods and goddesses, mythological three headed beasts, one-eyed man-eating giants or that loud mouth Achilles. Ever since Brad Pitt played him in that movie Troy, he hasn't shut up. Although Angelina is one mortal I wouldn't mind taking to one of Dionysus's toga parties."

"Truly, do they think we have no purpose or influence over mere mortals anymore? Do they think Mount Olympus is some retirement village for those over 400 feet tall? Some place where outdated, out of touch immortals play shuffleboard all day and sit around talking about their inflamed gums? Look at global warming. Do they really think that global warming came from a bunch of weak, petty mortals, present company excluded, with their coal fired fuel plants and their gas guzzling VW Rabbits? Let me tell you. It's getting hot down below because we like it that way. And in a couple of hundred years, if we so choose, we'll cool it down again. Variety is the spice of immortal life, wouldn't you say?"
E.U. representatives after
vetoing Zeus's proposal to
forgive Greece's monetary debt.

Zeus, king of all the gods, is last known to have made the trip to terra firma in 1978 when he was asked to mediate a dispute between of George's Diner and the Parkway Diner when Anna Lakteris, a waitress at George's, fell in love with a waiter at the Parkway, quit her job and began working there. Harsh words were uttered after Frank Petrogalis, co-owner of the Parkway with his brother-in-law Mikos refused to send Anna back to George's Diner. The incident soon became an epic battle of mythological proportions when George, owner of George's, marched his entire staff over to the Parkway during the Friday night dinner hour, sat them down at the counter and ordered 37 split pea soups, moussakas, and small Greek salads to go. Then first blood was spilled when rumor spread that the Parkway used farm raised anchovies in all their salads.
Zeus can sit wherever he wants.

It was now a war of attrition, suspicion, sedition and bad nutrition. Clearly if something wasn't done New Jersey would be headed back to the Dark Ages of Philly cheese steaks and lobster thermidor. Was George's Famous Diner (distantly related to but not on speaking terms with) on Neptune Avenue in Brooklyn next? Would this be the end of those small little paper cups of coleslaw on the side? Would Western civilization never again be offered four day old butter cookies as they paid their bill?

The innocent people of northern New Jersey began to suffer while those on Mount Olympus found that takeout delivery times were becoming outrageous. They all called on Zeus and his mighty wisdom.
"Can't I ever get my oil and vinegar
on the side?" - Zeus

This isn't the Iliad I'm writing here, so let's just say this. Zeus makes his appearance, throws down a few lightning bolts, turns a few prep cooks into frogs, badda bing, badda boom, he makes the peace. Anna goes back to George's and gets herself a nice little summer house on Long Beach Island and the Parkway Dinner gets sole control over the souvlaki cartel for all of northern New Jersey down to and including exit 8 of the Turnpike for the next 236 years. End of story.

Preparations are now underway to accommodate Great Zeus and his expected entourage of gods and goddesses, nymphs (lots of nymphs), one-eyed human-eating giants and pet Minotaur. The top two floors of the King Midas hotel, two miles of air space above, and all the earth below the hotel down to Hades have been reserved. Complimentary river rides on the River Styx for all representatives of the European Union are being planned. Sources tell GSR that a chair large enough to sit Zeus will be delivered Saturday from Ikea although the estimated time to put the chair together is 286 years.

No comments:

Post a Comment