Sunday, March 22, 2015

GSR INVESTIGATIVE REPORT: THE SECRET YOU NEED TO KNOW TO BECOME A MILLIONAIRE

There are books, podcasts, fortune cookies, even dead people. All telling you how that neighbor of yours down the block became a millionaire and how you can become one too. And except for his rotten kids and bad breath, wouldn't you like to be just like him?

Do you say to yourself "Why him? He's got no personality, no brains. Yet there he is drinking pina coladas, always going out to Friendly's for his Reese's Peanut Buttercup Sundae and walking around with his butt crack wide open for all the world to see and just not seeming to care."

Lucky for you, you're a Goat Soup Radio listener. Because GSR's top (and only) investigative reporter, Esther Lester, has done all the investigating and reporting for you. By breaking and entering the homes of millionaires throughout the greater Phoenix area, Mr. Lester has discovered through carbon dating, phone tapping and the occasional theft of certain plaid undergarments, the secret to becoming a millionaire. Her/His conclusions? You don't need to be born into it, or discover a cure for nasal hair or create the 10,456th Internet dating site. Claiming to be Andrew Carnegie's great-great-great-granddaughter did work once but it turned out to actually be his great-great-great-granddaughter. So that's taken.

When we finally managed to track down Esther at the Wishing Well Motel with two of our community college interns, what did she/he tell us that all of these self made millionaires have in common? What's their secret? Just three words, my friends: franks and beans. What do franks and beans have to do with becoming a millionaire? Everything. Imagine this. Instead of plunking down $6.25 for pizza and a drink, you go home and have a heaping plate of franks and beans, all for around $1.22.  You then take the amount now saved ($5.03, we think) and buy .003 ounces of gold. Each and every time you substitute franks and beans for your meal (breakfast, lunch or dinner) you take the amount saved and "go for the gold". Just 10 years of this and you could buy your own micro brewery. Make the full commitment for the next 20 years and you'll have so much money socked away you'll be able to sell that piece of junk you're driving and move up to a pre-certified used car!
It's never too early to begin investing in
your future.

How much can you retire with? Let's run the numbers. According to the National Institute of Family Foursomes, the average American family of four, in a typical week (including Arbor Day), consumes 152 chicken nuggets, 47 chocolate chip cookies, 56 Hot Pockets and one tomato. This all coming in at a whopping $182.78. Now, let's look at what's going to put you into that gated community you've always dreamed about:


  1. Average number of hot dogs needed to feed a family of four on a weekly basis: 65
  2. Average number of buns required per week: 74. Note: nine additional buns needed due to the rare but dreaded Blastomycosis Blackened Bun Barrage disease
  3. Average number of pounds of baked beans needed to feed a family of four for a week (provided you get every bean that's sticking to the side of the can out): 43
  4. Average time it takes to open a can of beans while only cutting one finger off: 7.5 seconds
  5. Average cost to feed a family of four on franks and beans for one week: $44.45
Using the mathematical operation called subtraction (also called minus, less, difference, decrease, take away, or deduct, for those yet to obtain their GED) the amount saved is $182.78 - $44.45. Which we're pretty sure comes to $138.33! In one week!

And that's not all. The average family of four will therefore save nearly $745,000 in just 94 weeks! Think of it. No more having to answer the phone pretending it's a wrong number. Go ahead. Answer the phone and feel free to order as many ant farms as you want.

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Here's what a few of our "franks and beans millionaire neighbors" had to say:

"I'm a believer. I've been eating franks and beans every meal for two years now and have saved over $459! Unfortunately, my wife smokes, and with all my farting the house blew up just last week. We love you guys."  - Gary Smithereens. Burn Unit. No Such Luck Memorial Hospital. Coral Gables, FL

"With GSR's no hassle way to become a millionaire, my wife and I are now retired and living the good life." - Ben and Jerry Spinklestein. Sauerkraut Hills, CA

"My dad's been making  me eat franks and beans ever since I was born. It sucks. In fact, you suck Goat Soup Radio. I want a cheeseburger." - Little Tommy Pinto, age 8. Mustard Packet, MT


"Frankly I was skeptical. And at first, I didn't relish all those franks and beans. But, my buns really hurt from sitting on the floor because we couldn't afford furniture. Bean there, bun that. I gave it a try and I'm really glad I did. - Wally Weiner. Frankfurt, Germany
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"I made my millions and so can you."
 - Tomichi Murayama. Osaga, Japan

So feel free to use our tried and true method. And unlike any other investment strategy out there, we guarantee success or failure, which ever comes first.

FDA BLACK BOX WARNING: Substituting the required baked beans with french fries will result in hypofarturemia, thus creating a significant loss of buoyancy when taking a bath. If this occurs, both the Surgeon General and the Orthopedic Lieutenant recommend having a frank talk with your loved ones concerning the four P's of advanced hypofarturemia:
  1. Your penchant for pigs in a blanket 
  2. Your preference for sauerkraut over fried onions
  3. Your pontificating on how to get mustard stains out of  bedroom linen
  4. Your pending demise

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