Monday, May 6, 2013


Paris. 10:50 PM

What makes a great writer? Plot? Theme? Denouement? No, it's simply writing a great descriptive sentence. Five French physicians have just released the results of a 5 year study that looked for that one particular trait unique to great writers that others do not possess (sadly, six Senegalese shamans sat silently shunning such sophomoric shenanigans). Education, posture and glove size were just three of the myriad traits that were compared between great writers and hacks. Unfortunately, they all were found to be common to both groups. But then, almost three years into their work, one of their comely graduate students, Robin Japapa, came upon a history of the great Paris hotel and bistro, La French Fry. Written by 3 generations of maitre d's it told the story of the many patrons, including many famous writers, that frequented their che' che' restaurant.

One of the first notations was on the famous French writer the Marquis de Sade. At the time Mr. Sade was known to always empty out the restaurant immediately after he had his favorite dish of escargot and limoge beans. It reads in part, "zee gas, zee odor, et was malodorant." This was the clue that the five French physicians were waiting for.
Dinner with Mark Twain

Reading further, another patron was the famous French writer, Victor Hugo. Monsier Hugo ate at La French Fry almost daily until he was asked to leave due to his disagreeable "la noises a la Tushie". After being kicked out of every restaurant in Paris, the French Restaurant Association had him guillotined for "zee les miserables ghastly poofs."

The book ends in 1958 when, perhaps the greatest of French writers, Jean-Paul "Boomer"Sartre, dined at La French Fry on its very last day of existence. While finishing his buttered haddock, the "Boomer" lit a cigarette while letting go with one of his famously fragrant french fuzzy farts, immediately sending the restaurant up in flames.

This was all the proof the five French physicians needed. Taking their study to the French Ministry of Education and Fake French Accents (FMEFFA), the department took action. It is reported that beginning with the 2017 school year, all students must consume at least 5 cups of la bean du jour and must wear underwear with little frills attached so as to create the most melodious of sounds.

Editor's note: For the French language version of this piece go to: www.ionlytooktwoyearsofspanishinhighschool

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