Monday, June 10, 2013


In a hastily convened conference this afternoon, so as not to overlap The Judge Judy Show, the FDA has announced the immediate ban on all takeout orders of moo goo gai pan from all Chinese restaurants in the United States, the Virgin Islands and the Deflowered Isthmus's. The report states, "we have nothing against the moo, the goo or the pan. However, the gai is now ingredient non grata."

Giuseppe Amore, acting head of the FDA had this to say. "We can thank private citizens like Vito Aldente, former president of the American Pizza Association for coming forth with the previously unknown information that the gai in moo goo gai pan is not really a gai, but a girl. Now, the FDA doesn't want to be an ogre about this. Should restaurants wish to offer both moo goo gai pan and moo goo girl pan we would certainly allow this. We'd even consider moo goo gender neutral pan. However, Title VII of the Chinese Takeout Menu Sexual Anti-Discrimination Act of 1983 is very clear and it is our duty to follow the law wherever it takes us."

Of course", Amore continued, "we don't have to worry about eating in. This will only be for takeout orders. Whenever my family and I eat at our favorite Chinese restaurant, we never order the moo goo gai pan.  Instead, we go with the fried rice, Happy Family and the chicken and broccoli. We used to order the shrimp in lobster sauce but you just don't get as many shrimp as you used to get."

The next day, the American Chinese Restaurant Association (ACRA) met in emergency session to find a solution. Hours later, it came out with just such a brilliant plan, urging its members to substitute key lime pie for the gai. Now to be called, moo goo key lime pie pan.
Moo Goo Key Lime Pie Pan
Courtesy: Chan's Great Wall
Free Delivery Up To 1 Mile
No Msg, No Gai
Goat Soup Radio spoke with Kim Chou, president of ACRA. "We have told all of our members to make the change in ingredients. Key lime pie has always been a favorite food of many Americans. Plus, it's colorful, fits nicely in a wok and is chopstick friendly.  As an added incentive, we will fly any member down to Key West, Florida to learn the recipe for the key lime pie, first hand (additional fun filled excursions will be available at a nominal cost). We will also be recommending that our members stop serving hot green tea with the moo goo key lime pie pan and instead, serve a refreshing pitcher of margaritas."

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