Monday, June 24, 2013


Aboard the Swedish research vessel, Gothenburg, Baltic Sea.

A school of skinless, boneless sardines
 swimming in the Gulf of Ikea

Skinless, boneless sardines have been the sorry lot of the sea. Squishy, defenseless and cold because of their lack of skin, these tiny little creatures just can't get it done.

How did this happen? The ancient Greeks tell us that the sardine lost its skin and skeleton when a school of fully dressed and bony sardines laid siege to the city of Delphi and turned Apollo's sister, Freida, into a plate of  fried zucchini. For this, Zeus removed their skin and bones and to this day these boneless, skinless sardines have been roaming the seas lonely and scared.

Voraciously torn apart, swallowed whole, or canned almost to the brink of extinction, the skinless, boneless sardine has really gotten the shit kicked out of it. Ask any flounder and they wouldn't give a skinless, boneless sardine the time of day. It's been a very, very sad plight for these depressed, down trodden, demoralized denizens of the deep.

One study by the Greater Phoenix Psychological and Miniature Train Association (GPPMTA) found that skinless, boneless sardines are the most depressed fish in the ocean. GSR spoke to Dr. Wally Wonder who had this to say, " As a psychologist and before that as a train conductor, I've never met such a bunch of losers in my life. The first time one of them came into my office, cold, cowardly, naked and about 3 inches long, I almost plotzed. And not a single fish scale on him."

Sometimes swimming in a school of thousands, these poor, hapless souls could still feel all alone. For all these sardines could do was swim, search for small morsels of food and think, "was there any hope"?

Dear Reader, at this time Goat Soup Radio (with hope being our middle name) can only speculate as to what happened next. But, somehow the lowly skinless, boneless sardine must have looked up into the heavens and made their case. For it is Goat Soup Radio's proudest moment to announce to the world that the skinless, boneless sardine's heavenly petition was heard. Their prayers were answered! Sardinologists around the world are just now telling us that these once puny, forgotten creatures are now finding themselves with a real bony skeleton and shiny, blue/green scales. Thus, after all these millennia they have found themselves with form, structure and, it must be said, a bit of swagger in their backstroke.You go, skinless, boneless sardines, you go.

 Praise the Lord.

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