Monday, July 15, 2013


After 3 years of secret negotiations, thousands of clocked air miles and 2 parking tickets at JFK, the deal is done. The Walt Disney Corporation will lease for one year, beginning in April of 2018, the entire country of  Ukraine. Rent has been set $95.45 million per month for one year with an option for a second year at an additional 5% increase. Ukraine, we are told, was looking for a 15% increase but the Hague Tenant-Landlord Convention of 1987 made all former Soviet states rent stabilized countries. Ukraine also originally asked for two months security. However, with Geppetto not giving an inch during negotiations, the final deal has Disney paying one month security and offering all citizens of Ukraine 50% off their next Caribbean Disney Cruise with a free upgrade to a cabin with a porthole if they leave the keys to their house or apartment under the mat.
Keeping Mickey Mouse Happy

Tuesday, or maybe it was Friday, GSR's super special undercover reporter, Esther Lester, making himself into a Lion King wall poster, secretly recorded a private meeting of Disney's Board of Director's. It was there that Robert Iger, voted in high school, "most likely to succeed", and also chief executive of Disney, informed his board of the deal.

 Mr. Iger began with the following. "Ladies, gentleman and lovable cartoon characters, we have, with just one mouse paw print, secured our future. We know that to make the films we need to make, to build the theme parks we need to build, we need new locations, bigger sound stages and more land. We could have bought Pixie Hollow, but who wants to keep making Tinker Bell sequels? Detroit has been on the market but who wants a fixer-upper in these times? No, renting a country was the right decision. And, as every Mouseketeer knows by heart, you can't complain about the terrain in Ukraine because the rain in Ukraine falls mainly on the plain."

 After some hot porridge all around, he continued. "A few small changes will have to be made while we are there. First, the name Ukraine is out, Dislandia is in. My choice. Second, bordering on the south is the Black Sea. No good. We shall rename it, Little Critter Bay. Last, Sneezy tells me that the capital of Ukraine is Kiev. Good, I like that. Maybe we'll put Snow White up there for the winter. Questions?  Mickey and I are flying out there tomorrow to check out the laundry situation."
Ukraine's Tourism Minister

Flying Last Class to Ukraine to get all sides of the story, GSR's chief editor, Steve Ryman met with Ukraine's Tourist Minister, culinary priestess, yoga aficionado and registered nurse, Anna Svitla Usmishka. What was to be a 15 minute interview over tea and scones continued on for two days and two nights. There are no eye witness accounts and our hero isn't talking. However, it is said that things ended rather quickly when the Tourist Minister's boyfriend, Vladamir  Boychick, Ukraine's 5th ugliest male between the ages of 2 and 80 arrived. Words were said, intentions made clear and Mr. Ryan was forced to leave the country rather quickly in the back of  cabbage truck; his body intact, his heart broken and his clothes smelling like stuffed cabbage for two weeks. 
Boyfriend of Ukraine's
Tourism Minister

Returning to Phoenix, our hero made his report to GSR and then immediately reactivated his Match.Com  account with a new profile seeking a woman working in the tourist industry, enjoys cooking and yoga and is a registered nurse.

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