GSR'S 2013 4TH ANNUAL LABOR DAY ULTIMATE "TO THE DEATH AND BEYOND" WORLD CHALLENGE. THIS YEAR: GODZILLA VS. FANTASY FOOTBALL

In years past we've brought you Dracula vs. the Wolfman, Kanye West vs.Key West and Charlotte's Web vs. the World Wide Web. These events have spanned the globe, the dark side of the moon and 6 exoplanets. Millions of lives have been changed for the better and thousands of gallons of fake blood have been spilled in these classic battles "to the death and beyond".


Doesn't even use a mouth guard.

And now, who will prove victorious in an all out fight between the biggest, meanest, most scary looking evil in the world, GODZILLA and America's last great hope for all time, FANTASY FOOTBALL?

First, we crunch the numbers.

     

ATTRIBUTE			GODZILLA		FANTASY FOOTBALL
					(average player)
Height			360 feet		6’3”
Weight			60,000 tons		252 lbs.
Reach			76 feet		55 inches
Once dated a hot looking cheerleader			no, but would like to		yes
Tail			467 feet		Vestigial (1 inch)
100 yard dash			2.3 seconds		10.6 sec.
Bench press			45 tons		360 lbs.
Communication skills			hardly		occasionally
Chin Ups (2 min.)			unknown		26
200 meter butterfly			Time to enter water		4 min. 33 sec.
Forward 4 1/2 Somersault in the Tuck Position. 10 meter board (max 10 pts.)			8.4		5.3
Most lethal weapon			Atomic breath		Pass Interference
Suffers from chronic jock itch			no		yes
Secret Weapon			fart		fart
Genome			Radioactive gluons		46 chromosomes
Willingness to eat opponent			sometimes		yes
Beers chugged in 20 minutes			345 kegs		33 - 12 oz. cups
Favorite Food			Cow (rare)		Steak (rare)
Outer Protective Covering			Indestructible skin		Shoulder pads
Mode of reproduction			Nuclear Explosion		Draft
Distance throwing football			56 feet (no spiral)		35 yards
Distance throwing bus			456 feet (no spiral)		0
Greatest Fear			Bombs at box office		Playing for Jets

                                                                                    

Some may never return home.

Alas, from the above chart it appears to be all but over. As brave and stout as Fantasy Football's  largest linebacker may be, it is GSR's opinion that he would get the crap knocked out of him fighting The Beast. Yes, it would be the end of the road for these men of destiny, America's best.

But, not so fast, buckaroo. If there's one word that fittingly describes these men, it's team work. And, as the saying goes, you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish. So let's rework the numbers, not as man against Beast but (pardon our French) many man's against Beast.

With 32 fantasy football teams, each carrying 53 players - all solid citizens - that makes for 1,696 hearts beating as one, 3,392 eyes on the prize and 3,392 pinkies against the stinkies.

1. Imagine 1,696 honest and true men throwing their football helmets right at Godzilla's heart, or at least his feet all at once?
2. Imagine 32 first string centers turning away from Godzilla, bending over all at once, looking between their legs and giving Godzilla the evil eye?
3. Imagine sending 3 heavy handed (but deeply sensitive inside) defensive tackles directly at Godzilla every 20 minutes for 4 hours straight?
4. Imagine 320 awesome cheerleaders, pom-pom in hand, distracting Godzilla enough to have him run into his own goal post?
5. Imagine 32 fantasy football first string quarterbacks, all at the same time, each throwing a hard, spiraling football directly at Godzilla's nuts?

The Beast wouldn't have a chance.

*As suggested by Mike "if I don't get into med school I want to be a cheeseburger" Swerd.*