Monday, March 24, 2014


With Vladimir Putin following through with his promise to "protect and defend Russian citizens and interests wherever they may be", the Russian Destroyer, Kinsky Shpinsky has placed itself just 1/2 mile off Coney Island beach in Brooklyn, New York. Russian officials are calling it a training exercise that has been in the works for many months but White House gender free spokesperson Esther Lester said last night that the United States does not see it that way and is looking for further clarification. With candles burning bright and baskets of gluten free seaweed chips being ravenously devoured, West Wing officials tried to make sense of the unfolding story, especially after five Russian sailors came ashore last night and jumped ahead of everyone in line to ride the Cyclone Roller Coaster.
Smuggled NSA pic of Russian ship
off Neptune Avenue, Brooklyn.

Almost 750,000 individuals claim to be either first or second generation Russian emigres living in Coney Island and its surrounding area. Frequently dubbed "Little Odessa", many of the streets and byways of this community look as if they were plucked right out of the Russian city itself. Most people in the area are multilingual, speaking English, Russian and Brooklynese, while almost everyone carries around with them their favorite borscht recipe. Petty crime is almost unheard of in this Russian outpost as those that are caught find themselves shipped off to America's gulag, Detroitsky, Mishegoss.

In a lengthy, boring speech, Russian President Vladimir Putin defended his country's aggressive move saying "Russian settlers, moving across the Bering Sea were exploring North America while you were still diddling around with the Black Plague. Although we have no eye on the rest of Brooklyn, Russian advisers have been dispatched to at least three blocks east and west of Cropsey Avenue and will protect our interests."
Low flying drones of unknown origin have been sighted over Sheepshead Bay.

Anonymous sources deep inside the Kremlin, tells GSR that Putin's plan all along was to begin annexing all Russian occupied territories that begin with the letter "C". Thus, Crimea and Coney Island have been the first to go.
Speaking in such a heavy Russian accent that we couldn't understand a word he said, Victor Tolstoy, Professor of Russian Dressing at Columbia University, seemed to say that Putin's next move would be against the Cleveland Browns.

23 unknown objects newly
discovered in Coney Island.

International outrage of this incursion into American waters has been swift. Last night, the United Nations Security Council condemned the move. In a tainted, tweeked, twisted, twitted talk, Bok Choy, U.N. spokesperson said, "We deplore Russia's brazen attempt to gain control over Coney Island. But, being that nothing separates us from Brooklyn except the Brooklyn Bridge, we'd like to say good luck to the United States and feel free to park wherever you want."

Sources say plans are in the works for a referendum that will decide Coney Island's future:
  • Should Coney Island become a protectorate of Russia with the Belt Parkway becoming the new southern most international border of the United States? Circle Yes or No.
  • Which of the following two philosophical directions should Coney Island follow? Circle Karl Marx or Groucho Marx.
  • Which third grade curriculum should be followed in all Coney Island elementary schools? Circle Vladimir Lenin or John Lennon.

Signs of the takeover are beginning to be felt. Nathan's Famous Hot Dog restaurant is now only accepting rubles as payment and their hot dogs are only served on black bread. Diet and regular vodka are available in regular, large and Siberia-size-me.

Mikhail Prokhorov, Russian oligarch who owns the Brooklyn Nets, has quietly substituted the singing of the United States national anthem with Russia's national anthem, "Мать Россия будет раздавить тебя, как синицы" ("Mother Russia Will Crush You Like a Titmouse"). Editor's Note:  Goat Soup Radio is not in the habit of using lewd, lascivious language for the sole purpose of titillating (there, we said it again) its many followers. A titmouse is a small cheery-voiced nonmigratory woodland bird. 

President Obama, speaking from an undisclosed location in the Oval Office, threw down the gauntlet, then picked it and then threw it down again when he said, "Coney Island wants to become another communist state? Fine. No Obamacare for you!"

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