Monday, May 26, 2014


Are you beginning to see more hair in your ears than on top of your head? Are pitted prunes becoming a mainstay of your diet? Do tiny black flies follow you around? Well, we can't do anything about those problems. However, Pay The Tab Pharmaceuticals can make your life a little easier, a little more comfortable. As seen on "Good Morning, Botswana", our patented oral medication, Icelandic Hot Toes will do just that: keep your toes feeling warm and cozy. Just ask yourself these six questions:
  • Do your feet get cold easily?
  • Are you always wondering when global warming will get here?
  • Do you wear more than five pairs of socks to bed each night?
  • Are you drinking more hot tea these days than the entire British Empire?
  • Is walking on hot coals beginning to sound like a good idea?
  • When eating in restaurants, are you always asking for a table near the ovens?
Old lady Crabtree says, "I take my Icelandic Hot Toe
every day. So should you, you little fart."
If you answered yes to all six questions, then all is lost. However, if you answered yes to five or less, then Icelandic Hot Toes is just what you've been looking for. Scientists have questioned for years how the good people of Iceland, living in the harsh environment that they do, manage to keep their feet warm. Imagine living on a sheet of ice your entire life. Bathing, sleeping, eating, running errands, having unprotected sex and reading the Icelandic Freezing Press. All on top of one huge ice cube with an average annual temperature of -82 degrees Kelvin. Is it something in the air? The frozen tundra? The cod? 

Pay The Tab Pharmaceuticals, the makers of Whinemore capsules and suppositories has found the answer. But it wasn't easy. Those Icelanders wouldn't give it up. You would think that a free tow of the entire island down to the Caribbean for 10 fun filled days would have done it. However, they are a proud, tall people with big thumbs and they just wouldn't talk - and even if they did, who speaks Icelandish? However, in 2012, our scientists, secretly moving through town and country, found the answer in the northern regional capital city of Little Smorgasbord. And now, we've taken the secret of the Icelanders and made it available to you in capsule or easy- to-choke-on herring bone filled tablet.

Here's what three of our many satisfied customers had to say:

"My feet used to get so cold that I would have to strip naked and stand in front of my opened refrigerator door just to get them warm. What a sight that was. Then again, you should have seen me 40 years ago in my six inch stilettos and all my teeth. Thank you, Pay The Tab. Icelandic Hot Toes changed my life." 
Cherry Bumpandgrind, 72. Arthritis-By-The-Lake, Florida.

"My third husband, who gave me crabs, was always complaining about my cold feet. I had heard of Icelandic Hot Toes at the venereal crab clinic and I decided to give them a try. Within four days my feet were warm, I got divorced from that horrible little man and, although I still have crabs, I can now sleep with whomever I want and not worry about spooning."
Bonnie Wannie, 81. Old Ladies-By-The-Dozen, Arizona.

"Cold feet can strike at any time. I learned that the hard way. One day, I'm being pushed around the mall in my wheelchair by my aid and the next, there she is, rolling around on the floor, rubbing her feet silly. Thought she had frostbite. 9-1-1 was called and they knew just what to do. One injection of Icelandic Hot Toes and she was up and around in just a few short weeks. Although, it did take me two days to get a replacement aid. What a hassle."
Sandra Paytheman, 87. Bingo-Till-You-Drop, South Carolina.


Warning: The FDA has issued a special alert that taking more than three Icelandic Hot Toes in one 24 hour period may cause the individual to become highly combustible. Retired firemen and other crazy old people that like to run into burning buildings should heed this warning carefully and always run in with a buddy.

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