Monday, May 12, 2014


The Esther Lester Properties Group is now offering for sale, A+ rated hydrofracking wells. Our price includes the land, the equipment, the workers, all necessary transportation vehicles, and a slew of lawyers to get you out of any legal entanglements brought about by frivolous claims such as flammable tap water, congenital defects in neighboring children and the death of any local livestock, to name just a few of those fictitious cockamamie consequences of fracking.
Izzy's now fracking with the Big Boys, free to
buy anything he wants at Walmart.

 Each well sits upon the Marcellus Shale geologic formation. Working 24/7, your well will be pulverizing the shale and taking out that thick black goo that will make you everyone's best friend, especially around closing time. What do the big oil companies have in common? Big bucks. Big bucks to buy expensive meals, big bucks to drive around in stretch Ford Fiestas and big bucks to get their teeth professionally whitened. Isn't this the kind of life you dream about? 

Whose land you may ask? Let's be clear: farming has gone conglomerate. Let California grow all that wheat and barley stuff. We've done all the legwork. Every eight minutes in upstate New York another ill-informed farmer signs away his mineral rights to the Esther Lester Properties Group and every 67 minutes we're transferring those mineral rights to someone like you. After all, do you think we're stupid enough to be caught owning a toxic Superfund five years from now?

So go ahead, say the two most beautiful words in the English language: oil baron. That's right, oil baron. Kind of gives you a rush, wouldn't you say? Just licked your lips? Well, for now, back to our story.

Each well is completely fenced in with 24 hour security guards, German shepherds that don't understand a word of English and your own personal fleet of surveillance drones. These precautions, ready to take action in a moment's notice against any pinhead environmentalist that dares to get within 1,000 feet of your property, will keep you safe and carefree.

And that's not all. Do you think Coca Cola is going to list all of their ingredients for public scrutiny? Hell no. Why, we have one building in Taos, New Mexico with 36 shyster lawyers ready to litigate into eternity any environmental group or public entity that dares to ask what we are putting down those wells to extract all that oil. One of our lawyers visited the Supreme Court on a senior class trip. 

And, what's the best reason for you to be fracking? Taxes. That's because we have another building, this time in LasVegas, where we keep 33 slimy tax accountants ready to take advantage of every loophole they can make up to keep your (again, slimy) profits far away from the federales.
Thanks to fracking, Kiki got out of debt in 2 days.

So here's our guarantee:
  • If you don't double your money in six months, we'll drill even deeper.
  • As long as you can supply us with a minimum of 120,000 gallons of fresh water daily to extract the oil, we'll keep sending you those hefty checks.
  • Although fracking has been proven to cause geologic faulting, you'll probably never experience an earthquake greater than 5.6 on the Richter scale.
  • Buy three wells and, for a fraction of the going price, deed you ownership on two miles of the Keystone Pipeline.
  • Once the well runs dry and the land is poisoned, we'll contact you as soon as possible so you can get out of town.
  • Because you own the land in perpetuity, in about 300 years you can begin farming on it again. That's still better than Fukushima.
Please Note:  All investing is subject to risk, including the possible loss of the money you invest. However, if history is any indication, the only ones at risk here are the poor bastards that live near the well.

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