Friday, May 2, 2014


Editor's Note: As tensions run high in the Middle East, or wherever Ukraine is located, the Board of Trustees of Miguel's All Night Towing Service (DBA Goat Soup Radio) has voted, in an unprecedented manner, to publish the upcoming GSR news story three days before the usual publication date. Said Steve Ryman, "The Board has always placed ethical considerations above all else except, of course, beer, a nice hard mattress and soft, velvety skin. To that end, it was decided to make the following information public".
One of 56 Putin's Best Borscht 
 closed in California.

With the United States and Europe at odds with Russia over their incursion (Russia, not the U.S.) into Crimea and Ukraine, economic sanctions have, up until now, not proven very effective. Refusing to deal with certain Russian banks, halting certain trade agreements, and going after various Russian oligarchs, monarchs, hierarchs and Noah's arks, have not worked to dissuade Vladimir Putin from threatening to take control over Ukraine and possibly Coney Island. Quietly, the U.S. government has been looking into Vladimir Putin's personal fiances in an effort to "hit him in the pocketbook where it counts" and therefore have the Russian leader think twice about doing anything naughty.

Reached for comment, Department of Justice spokesperson, Esther Lester, said that they had been trying for years to monitor Putin's personal finances. It is rumored that an anonymous tip from Lee Ryman (an amazing coincidence), suggested a possible relationship between President Vladimir Putin and Putin's Best Borscht, America's 4th largest restaurant chain.
 "Previously, all the paperwork pointed to the owner being one Davy Crockett of Boonesboro, Tennessee," said Mr. Lester. "We always wondered how an early 19th century frontiersman who wore a coonskin cap to bed could build Putin's Best Borscht into the conglomerate it is today with over 4,000 restaurants coast to coast and right through the Northwest Passage.

Reporting in front of their now closed flagship restaurant  in Hollywood, California, GSR cub reporter, Little Jimmy Shoeshine, spoke with a number of people intending that day to eat at Putin's Best Borscht.

"I'm here almost every morning for a bowl of their regular cold borscht and a helping of creamed herring. Such a pity" Tony Delmarco, 45.

"The kids love the frozen cabbage borscht on a stick for dessert" Susan Applebey, 32.

I always bring the kids in when Shootin' Putin is there. He's their favorite cartoon character. He's so funny. Ronald you-know-who really blows. Mary Hindsight.56.

When I'm hungry, I always know where to go. Putin's Best Borscht. I always say "yes" when they ask if I want to super size my blintzes. You then get 8 apple blintzes for only $4.99. You can't beat that. Mike "the lug" Nuts, 44.

"I love their condiment bar: sour cream, shredded cabbage, pickled tongue. It's all free and delicious." Nikita Gorbechov, 22.

A seizure like this has its precedents. In 1952, for example, the government took over all 23 of Fidel's One Day Dry Cleaning stores in and around Billings, Montana. Then again, in 1974, the government seized all 365 of Tricky Dick's Yo-Yo Emporiums. However, after years of litigation the government was forced to return most of the 1,437,577 yo-yo's back to the president.

Later that day, Putin's Best Borscht spokesperson Randy Shmandy had this to say,"How are these workers supposed to find another job when their only work experience is making 600 gallons of fresh borscht daily?
It's an outrage."


To Our Listeners:

Since the airing of this piece, GSR has received a "cease and desist" order from the State of Florida. Apparently, there is a restaurant in Clearwater, Florida called Mrs. Skapinsky's Best Borscht. Legal papers have been served to us by the family of Mrs. Skapinsky claiming that since the publication of the above piece, Mrs. Skapinsky was deported back to Smolensk. GSR stands behind the above fictional story and will fight those money hungry shyster lawyers all the way to Judge Judy. Have you ever tried borscht? It's horrible.

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