Monday, June 9, 2014


Since 1987, the Alpine Avalanche Bottling Company of Vundebar, Switzerland has been a leader in environmentally friendly bottling and packaging for its products.  Some highlights include:

  • The first edible bottle cap
  • The first bottling company to give directions in the Heimlich maneuver on its label
  • Self composting bottle labels
  • Aluminum cans that can be retrofitted into mosquito nets
  • 100% organic beer that brings back the taste of healthy sheep piss
  • A light beer that induces self abortion to control population growth
  • Solar powered flip top cans that in aggregates of 100 can power a ski lift for 2 hours
  • Triple lined beer kegs that can safely store nuclear waste 
  • Gold sponsor of the Vundebar Hotel Miss Chug-A-Lug Nude Outdoor Hot Tub Contest. Editor's Note: Although this has nothing to do with the environment, it is, in the opinion of GSR, one of Europe's better ideas.
Changing to the newer bottle will be the equivalent of 9,500
middle school art teachers walking to work for one year
instead of driving their car.
And now, after three years of trial and error, balls and strikes, two on one, and match point, the Alpine
Avalanche Bottling Company is introducing their newest innovation yet in bottling. Through advanced engineering and Swiss cheese, each bottle of Avalanche pure water now contains 65% less plastic.

 "It really wasn't that hard," said Avalanche spokesperson, Gretta Fondue. "The Swiss have always been known as strong squirters. Once we hired our first squirt mesiter, he knew exactly what to do. Some simple changes in our assembly line and we were able to achieve our goal by squirting the water real hard into the bottle, screwing on the cap real fast and removing any dark matter between the water molecules. Once we had four squirt mesiter's going full time, our voluminous volume values really started to drop.

"At this point", Ms. Fondue continued, "education is the key. Most people are drinking from our smaller bottle, thinking that they've finished it and then disposing of it while there is still seven ounces of good water left in the bottle. Or, people are drinking the full bottle, thinking it's a smaller amount of water and ending up pissing in their pants. Finally, because we are now packaging our bottled water, 48 to a case, hernia's are becoming a problem. Although a case of 48 of the new bottles is about the size of a loaf of bread, people are picking it up not realizing it weighs twice what the old cases weighed."

WARNING: Lifting a 48 pack of Alpine Avalanche bottled water and attempting to place it in the back of your pickup may be hazardous to your health, especially if you're wearing flip flops and drop it on your foot, tend to go shopping during Indian attacks or haven't seen the inside of a gym since 5th grade.

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