Monday, June 30, 2014


It's true. Workers over 47 feet tall make an average of $345,000 more over their lifetime than those between four feet and seven feet tall. If you don't believe us, here's a neat trick. The next time you want a salary raise, walk into your bosses office on 23 foot tall stilts and then present your case. Odds are, you'll get that well deserved raise and then some.

The Stevens Consulting and Impressive Panties Group (SCIPG) is now offering the very same program previously available to only the Fortune 500's most desperate companies. Applying our patented combination of Gestalt/Gesundheit therapy and externally fixated bone stretching techniques, SCIPG promises to take you from the five foot four inch mail room loser that you are now to an intelligent, never to be underestimated, business savant, 48 feet tall in your stocking feet. No more elevators for you. Taking just three or four "giant" steps from the street below, you'll quickly find yourself in the boardroom, 103 floors high.

Looking for that awesome year end bonus? A new secretary? Two new secretaries? A giant 79 inch flat screen TV playing reruns of 21 Jump Street, 24/7? Who's going to object?
Gia got that pay raise
after threatening
to crush the moon.
And don't worry. We've taken the the dumbest of the dumb, the meekest of the meek, the forlornest of the forlorn and turned them into the titans of industry that they are today. And we can do the same for you.

How do we do it you may ask? First, you choose the amount of time needed to complete the transformation. We understand you have a busty (sorry, busy schedule) and stretching each and every bone of your body to 16 times its natural size is a little like zipping your fly: it's something that just shouldn't be rushed.
Most of our clients choose the six month plan. Two months of intense Gestalt/Gesundheit therapy where we first mentally break you down to something similar to emotionally drained egg whites. Then, two months to fill your mind with every quote from every self help book ever written. Finally, two months of the most excruciating pain imaginable as we stretch you into the 47 foot bruiser that you've always wanted to be. True, we have taken a few tricks from the Spanish Inquisition, but who hasn't? Anyway, with the self administered morphine we offer for an additional $800 per day, it will make the treatment seem almost fun. We also recommend spending a few weeks with our seamstress, Natasha. She hasn't yet found a pair of pants she can't lengthen 37 feet.

If you've listened this far, here's an exclusive Goat Soup Radio offer. Order in the next 730 days using the special promo code 'HUNG' and we'll include absolutely free our exclusive same day Doubly Big Private Parts surgical procedure, guaranteed to impress even the most discriminating of dates... your boss included.

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