Monday, October 13, 2014


Change Coming in 2018

"This is the most important advance to come to farming in the past 50 years. Forget genetically modified seeds, crop rotation, Pringles and sing-alongs. This is the hot potato, the cold cauliflower, the   singing snap pea all rolled into one." - Hey Abbott, Chairman, Farming, Bungee Jumping and Interstate Idolatry Subcommittee

The U.S. Department of Agriculture announced today that smoking will be banned from all exterior grounds on farms with more than three acres of arable land. It was said that the decision was made in light of the newest Corn On The Cob Community College (Go Kernels!) study that showed for the first time a significant relationship between secondhand smoke and poor quality, diseased farm products.The announcement went on to say that suspicions were raised when it was noticed that seed crops were aging faster and quickly getting out of breath.

Goat Soup Radio, always ready to do the footwork, spoke to Arnie Johanson, owner of the Bite My Three Cows Farm in Beep-Beep County, Wisconsin. "I thought I was going crazy, especially during harvest season. Every time I heard a hacking cough coming from my patch of cucumbers, I'd look around and wouldn't find anyone. Changed the oil in my tractor almost every day but it didn't help.Then at church one Sunday, I overheard Old Man Plowshares saying just about the same thing. Only he kept hearing a wheezing sound coming from his wheat field. I've been smoking since I was four. What am I supposed to do now, switch to those new electronic cigarettes and start sucking on some Chinese transistor battery?"
Wally Watermelon and Candy Cantaloupe can
now go ahead with their wedding plans, even
though Wally is still bereft of seed. *

Steven Cuke, a professor of absurdest agronomy at Corn On The Cob told GSR that the the federal government has to act fast before this country falls into into what he called an 'avalanche of asthmatic agricultural anarchy'. 
"If anyone's ever sat with a Vidalia onion that's coughing all day and trying to catch its breath, well, it's just too hard to put into words," said Dr.Cuke.

GSR's political correspondent, Cherry Picker (former Steve Ryman's girlfriend and now dating anyone not on life support) uncovered a little known rule in the government's ban on outdoor smoking. Apparently smoking will be permitted on tobacco farms in designated areas. Exposure to secondhand smoke has been observed to sexually arouse the stems of tobacco plants (Nicotiana marlborous) and in so doing makes for a stiffer cigar.

GSR's science correspondent, Esther Lester texted us from his mom's house where he has been living since he was three. Mr. (or Ms.) Lester reported that once subjected to second hand smoke a tomato has a 37% chance of beginning to smoke cigarettes, a 15% chance of smoking cigars and a 4% chance of using chewing tobacco. The likelihood of graduating college drops 45% and the chances of remaining on the vine until harvest drops 68%! Furthermore, smoking cessation programs, common in urban areas, are hard to find in today's pastures, especially for chain smoking endives.
It may be a long time before Benny
 Broccoli has another coffee and a smoke.

Exposure of tobacco plants to more than 20 minutes of continual secondhand smoke may result in that most terrible of all side effects, plantus erectus significus. Should such a stem erection (plantus erectus) last more than one growing season (very significus), do not attempt to treat. Call Flaccid Control at 1-800-YME-YME-YME and ask for Nurse Ratchet. 

* If you don't get this joke, office hours are 2:15 PM to 3:30 PM every Tuesday. But just not this decade.

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