Nitrates? Cow manure? Vitamin B-12 shots? Have you tried them all only to find your lawn as unhealthy as ever? As grungy, defiled, lifeless, patchy and just plain mostly dead as your sex life? There is hope, you know. The makers of Dr. Smith's Original Home Care Tonsillectomy Removal Kit, complete with two syringes of just expired Novocaine and five kinds of antibiotics (in the highly likely event you come down afterwards with some raging infection) is pleased to offer Dr. Tommy's "two weeks to greener grass" 24 ounce bottle of Lawn Pus Plus.
|Before using Lawn Pus Plus|
(actual real life lawn)
|After using Lawn Pus Plus (actual|
real life lawn if you're a cartoon)
No matter what condition your grass is in. No matter how many gophers have turned it into their own Shangri-la. No matter if some hay chewing, red flannel shirt wearing, freckled nosed, lived all his life on a farm, blue ribbon Guernsey cow farmer with a Masters degree in mulchinomics has told you that your lawn can't be brought back to its original pristine condition... don't believe those sniveling, communist, anti-cheeseburger eating naysayers.
How does Dr. Tommy's patented Lawn Pus Plus work the miracle that no one dreamed possible? It's a story worth telling. So put down your fork, bring your chair to its upright position, take a minute or two to scratch yourself if you feel the need and give a listen.
Growing up in Crooked Neck, Georgia, Little Tommy learned just about everything there was to know about grass from his grandfather, Big Bones "Burping" Bob. For years little Tommy had watched his grandfather collect the cut grass from their lawn, put it all in a big black bag and carry it into the barn, quickly closing the door behind him. One day, after all the chickens had been milked, Little Tommy had an idea. Waiting until everyone had left the farm to watch the takeout window go up and down at June's Famous Roadkill Bar-B-Que in Hey Abbott township, Tommy, using chopsticks so as not to arouse suspicion, began digging a hole behind the barn to let himself in. Squeezing himself through the hole under the barn, Tommy made it inside. Although dark and very barn-like, Tommy could just about make out the primitive laboratory that Burping Bob had set up to squeeze and collect every zit and blackhead of every cow, chicken, moose and pimply faced talking pig on the farm. It all became so clear. Combining all that thick bodily pus with those grass filings, Big Bones "Burping" Bob had invented the scientific field of Professional Pus Farmacology all by himself!
Here's what you need to know about Dr. Tommy's Lawn Pus Plus:
- Comes in 24 ounce size bottles with the exclusive "Push Pus" extractor cap
- Almost guaranteed not to genetically combine with any other mammalian zits
- Excellent wear and tear resistance (who would want to walk on that stuff?)
- 99.99% biodegradable. Check out our Youtube video of Dr. Tommy drinking a whole bottle of Lawn Pus Plus just before he died a horrible death
- Fear of overdosing your lawn with Lawn Pus Plus? Each bottle comes with a coupon for $2.00 off any size tube of Clearasil Lawn Cleanser
- Looking for even more bang for your buck? Try Dr. Tommy's Lawn Pus Plus Extra with seven vitamins, minerals and cute puppy dog smiles