HILLARY OUTLINES BILL AND CHELSEA'S POSITIONS IN HER FUTURE ADMINISTRATION

Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has released the first outline of future duties and responsibilities for former president Bill Clinton and daughter Chelsea once Mrs. Clinton becomes president.

"Have to also ask mom for France. The
Seine is just insane." 

 Chelsea Clinton, already with her initials scratched into the top drawer of Abraham Lincoln's writing desk when she was previously living in the White House will, pending Congressional approval, become ambassador to Italy, the Vatican and Pappa John's Pizza. When GSR asked Chelsea Clinton's people how she felt about this multi-prong appointment, her people put out the following statement. 

"Chelsea feels that this is the perfect job for her. It brings together many of her finest attributes; a smattering of the Italian language, her love of anything papal and a strong desire to bring Pappa John's specialty pizza, The Works, (beloved by her father) back on the White House Friday night menu."

Tweeting to her 34,456,397 followers, Mrs. Clinton had this to peck away at: "Chelsea has always been the brains behind my policy initiatives while I was Secretary of State. I can't think of another individual with more impressive qualifications necessary to carry out this important assignment.

"Chelsea, want to swap ambassadorships?"

" 

Former president Bill Clinton will also be given an ambassadorship. He, however, will be traveling a little further. Bill has been told to pack his bags and get ready for an eight year stint as ambassador to Easter Island. Although no one on Easter Island has ever heard of the internet, karaoke, Happy Hour or hot grits with tomato gravy, Bill has been assured that he will have open access to the oval office whenever the sun and the Goataurius Minor constellation are in such position to allow radio transmissions to the mainland, 2,368 miles due east.

"It was tough at first," said Mrs. Clinton, "to convince Bill that Easter Island was where he would help me the most. True, you're essentially cut off from the outside world save for the mail plane and Uncle Che-Che's anchovy boat that makes its way to the island about every seven months. And yes, baked albatross is the national dish while the only fish Bill ever eats is catfish. But, when I told him the female to male ratio on the island was 5 to 3, that everyone was pretty much a first cousin of everyone else on the island and that he would be the only American male within 7,749 miles, he jumped at the chance."

However, experts disagree how easy it will be for supposed president Hillary to get her husband's nomination as ambassador to Easter Island through the tough vetting process. Traditionally, the post has gone to seals or scurvy sickened stowaways. However, members of the House and Garden subcommittee on Lascivious Appointments and Erotic Escapades may be hesitant to approve the nomination. We can't think of one reason why. 

Barney Blowhole, current American ambassador to Easter Island.
"No way I'm giving up this cushie post without a fight. I'm going
to boot his ass all the way back to Arkansas."

DECEMBER 5th IS BRUSH YOUR TONGUE AWARENESS DAY

The statistics are startling.
 The American Restaurant Association says that 12% of all people finish their main course in restaurants by licking their plates clean.

Bad tongue habits start early

As well, in 2006 (the last time the survey was conducted) the ASPCA said that 33% of all dog owners give their pet dogs a little tongue at least once per month. Noted as well, a joint study between Brown University's School of Bordello Economics and the Foundation for Sexual Advancement and Trysts found a strong, positive correlation between those landing their first job after college and oral sex. 

Shakespeare, who hasn't written a single word in over 250 years, said our eyes are the windows to the world and our tongues, the 24/ 7 conveyor belt. Words never more true today.

Connie Lingis: Miss Brush Your
Tongue 2012

 In 1998, when President William Jefferson Clinton signed the proclamation naming December 5th, Brush Your Tongue Awareness Day, it signaled a new beginning in the fight to make Americans sit up and take notice as to just where they are putting their tongues and what to do about it afterward.

Remember: there is no 'morning after' tongue pill.

Purposely situated between Thanksgiving and New Years (Turkeys tally tongues, too) this is both a day of oral avian honor and a day hope.

Since that historic signing, December 5th has become the time to look back over the past year and take inventory. The People for the Advancement of Warm, Wet Tongues have offered these 6 warning signs of the dreaded Tongue Abandonment Syndrome.

1. Do you know how to say the word tongue in more than 4 languages?
2. Do you wake up more than 3 days per week not knowing where your tongue has been?
3. Do six tongues make a right?
4. Is your only goal in life to to tie a cherry stem in a knot with just your tongue?
5. Do you find yourself short of breath while reading American Lollipop Magazine?  
6. Do you find it difficult to hold a toothbrush in one hand and your Johnson in the other?

If you can answer yes to two or more of these questions, then all is lost. But, if you can only answer one of these questions in the affirmative, there is hope. Call the number at the bottom of your screen, get ready, ask for Cherry and have your credit card ready.

1-800- ORAL-GLEE4ME

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10 points. In paragraph 5, what does the author mean by the underlined phrase, "your Johnson in the other?"

1. I think Johnson is slang for a tube of toothpaste
2.  A sly reference to President Lyndon Baines Johnson.
3. Was this really an SAT question?
4. Do you think if I ask Hillary, she'd know?
5. I'm a girl, I don't have a Johnson.

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DID YOU KNOW...

The first French kiss took place October 15, 1772 between two French Canadians,  Jacques 'Le Tool' Baguette and Francoise "Half a Franc" Cuisine in Montreal, Canada. Thus the term, French Canadian kissing. This term was very quickly dropped and the shorter phrase, French kissing was soon adopted. Eyewitness accounts at the time say that Francoise thought about it afterwards and soon joined a nunnery. Two years later she established the first North American Order of the Sisters of the Immaculate Tongues.
EDITOR'S NOTE: For GSR's 2013 position paper on U.S. Canadian Relations see: http://www.goatsoupradio.com/2013/04/giant-us-canada-land-deal.html