Monday, October 21, 2013


Happy to return, the First Family quietly slipped back into D.C. this morning after having spent the past 8 days and 7 nights at KIm's Bed and Breakfast in Falls Church, Virginia. 
"We had a pleasant stay," quipped the president. "Although, one night you're in the White House sleeping in Abe Lincoln's bed and the next night you're in a twin size roll around with Magic Fingers. We made due, although you sure run out of quarters real fast."
 In what was a great embarrassment for the Obama administration, the First Family had to move out of the White House due to the recent government shutdown. Although the president would work at the White house during the day, he returned to their temporary residence in Falls Church each evening.

Returning to the White House.
Bigger beds and better roomservice

The Obama's were forced to leave their personal quarters in the White House because of a little known law enacted after the last government shutdown during the Clinton administration. It seems that many in Congress wanted the executive branch to be more responsive to this fiscal debacle. And so, a bill was passed calling for the First Family to move out of the White House within 6 days of a government shutdown. It was signed by President Clinton only after Congress agreed to add 8 more female interns to his White House staff.

And so, on October 6, the First Family and an entourage of 34 vacated their living quarters in the White House while shipping Malia and Sasha's goldfish to the National Aquarium for safe keeping.

A family torn apart.

In an exclusive interview with Goat Soup Radio's White House Correspondent, Trudy Spatudy, Michelle Obama recalled the events of the last 13 days. "We knew the deadline was fast approaching when we would have to leave. Barack was talking about going back to Martha’s Vineyard. Just what does he think I’m going to do on such a tiny island with twelve golf courses and no Target? And, I am such a ninny, I began making phone calls about 10:00 Tuesday night; right after the food tasters okayed the chocolate pudding. We must have called every hotel between here and Richmond. However, as soon as we mentioned the word dog they'd give us the old heave ho...does anyone say heave ho, anymore? Well, we weren't going to leave Sasha and Malia's dog, Bo behind, that's for sure. Oprah suggested Kim's Bed and Breakfast in Falls Church. Their ad said they were both dog and Secret Service friendly. Finally, a roof over our heads."

Confirming this fantastic story was White House non-gender spokesperson, Esther Lester. "The president, his family, Bo and an entourage of 34 left the White House living quarters approximately 6:00 pm on October 13 for Kim's Bed and Breakfast. Kim did promise to repair the treadmill and tell the gardener not to begin mowing before 9:00 am."

It was October 1, 1832 when President Andrew Jackson and his family also had to leave the White House at a moment's notice. Historians tell us that a herd of goats in Lafayette Park, protesting better grazing conditions (yes, they were ahead of their time) soon became agitated. They quickly began racing across the street and through the front facade of the White House. Caught unawares, Old Hickory grabbed his dueling pistol but it was too late. The grumpy, grouchy, garrulous, goats gnashed and grated most of the first floor before stopping in the Rose Garden for group pictures. It’s said that every year at the stroke of midnight on Andrew Jackson's birthday, if you listen real hard and are really wasted, you can hear the sound of goats racing through the White House, even if you're in Boise at the time.

Caught: grabbing a few
muffins for the room.
After tea and goat cheese calzones all around, Mrs. Obama continued.  ”Luckily, the Presidential Suite was available. We were all excited about that. It's just that once we got there, turns out the only thing different about it was that we had one of those metal safety bars next to our toilet and the other rooms didn't. Also, a National Security briefing said that you have to get downstairs real early to get the muffins with the most blueberries in them. It's always something. So now, every morning Barack is up at the crack of dawn, turning on the lights, quickly getting dressed, brushing his teeth with that noisy electric toothbrush of his and then racing downstairs to beat the Joint Chiefs to the front of the line. Damn Republicans."


5 points each. Show all work. You have one hour. Begin.

In paragraph 4, what breed of dog is Bo?
A.  Portuguese Man Of War
B.  Portuguese Water Dog
C.  Portuguese dining al fresco
D.  Hey. you Portuguese pants, now you gotta wear a 'dese pants

In paragraph 3, the underlined word Old Hickory refers to:

A. Your girlfriend's first attempt at Chinese spare ribs
B.  Hickory Dickory Doc's grandmother
C.  An erection lasting more than 4 hours necessitating
      either a trip to the ER or to Miley Cirus
D.  Andrew Jackson

In paragraph 4, Mrs. Obama uses the underlined word, Republicans. What is her intent here?

A.  Teach them to spell America
B.  Bring back the guillotine
C.  Turn them into sniveling dung beetles
D.  All of the above, especially B.

If you were Esther Lester, would you:

A.  Clean up your desk and tone down the makeup
B.  Stop seeing Chris for the umpteenth time
C.  Jump ship and work for Hillary
D.  Just jump ship

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