Monday, October 7, 2013


The only living president pictured
on United States currency 
Former President of the United States, Ulysses S. Grant has come out of seclusion to speak to the American public. Through a highly unusual interview process, the famous ex-president, 191, exchanged written answers to questions posed to him by GSR’s political reporter, Russ Tic Potatoes. Over a two week period, Mr. Potatoes would place his written questions in the president’s mail box between 6:00 and 7:00 pm and then would return after midnight to pick up the president's handwritten answers.
The now famous mailbox standing alongside its neighbors.
Listener's may recall that it was last spring when Mr. Potatoes broke the biggest political story of the year regarding President Nixon's decision to run in 2016. See our story April 18.

In an effort to confirm that it was, in fact, President Grant, GSR gave his written responses to three outside (who in their right mind would want to work for us) handwriting experts. These experts, all in agreement, stated that "there would be a snowball's chance in hell" that these were the handwritten answers of our 18th president. With no one at Goat Soup Radio ever having taken a statistics course (or a driver's ed course for that matter) it was put to a vote by the staff. 14 hands up in the air said the letters were written by Grant, seven felt they were fakes. It would have been eight but Carlos, our engineer, lost his right hand in a terrible fruit blender accident last year in our kitchen. Thank God he's off the books and it's only a seven hour drive to Tijuana General.

Grant's loom, not tomb.
 Grant, the J.D. Salinger of the 19th, 20th and 21stcenturies has been living the quiet life in southeastern, Massachusetts. His exact whereabouts have been a well guarded secret with the Secret Service keeping prying eyes far away. Recently, however,  the president's comely 18th  wife, 45 year old Maddy Solzhenitsyn-Grant, has been seen walking around the quiet town of Maple, Massachusetts doing her weekly errands, always making sure to stop by Warren’s Smoke Shop to purchase the president’s favorite  stogies. Apparantly, once you've lived beyond about 125 years, a couple of stogies a day ain't going to kill you.

Goat Soup radio is planing a five part series of the former president's views. For now, a short synopsis of his current doings is offered here for the first time.

Our first series of questions asked the president what he's been up to all these years. GSR can report that he has kept himself very busy since the turn of the 19th century. Working out of a small office in Akron, Ohio, the president made a nice living for himself in the hat business. Stove pipe hats, tops hats, and derbys were just some of his best sellers. "Unfortunately," the president wrote, "the hat business went the way of disco and I was out of a job by 1938. I thought of retiring and waiting for Medicare but that wouldn't be for another 27 years. Then, one day my ninth wife, Brinda, was sewing my pants when I had the inspiration to replace one of the pants legs with a wholly different material and color. It was brilliant. We lived in a cottage so it was easy to turn this into a cottage industry. In fact,  when Carol, my 11th wife, and I were late for church one day we ran in through the back door and the preacher sang out to the congregation, "Here comes Mr. Fancy Pants". 
Grant's Fancy Pants on the runway
in Milan, May 2013 
"Well, the name just stuck and now my website, has over 10,000 views per week. With free shipping, we are the largest online purveyor of fancy pants on the planet. We sell more pants than those southern secesionist rebels at Walmart any damned day of the week. Lincoln said after the Battle of Vicksburg that I was his best killing machine. Little did he know about the killing I'd make in retail."

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