|The FlipO'Mat at work during
The self flipping mattress was intended to save bed owners the time, effort and need to remember to turn over their mattress every 6 months as recommended by American College of Back Doctors That Make Millions (ACBDTMM). In just 5 short years, the Sleepytime Bedding Corporation has gone from a $20.00 ill fitting bed sheet scam to a $4 billion homicidal mattress company.
One lucky survivor was Esther Lester, former White House tech geek. GSR interviewed Mr./Ms. Lester just before going into surgery to repair his/her little woodie. "It all happened so fast. One moment I was resting comfortably in my purple snuggie and the next, I heard a "whoosh" and then everything went blank, The next thing I know, some cute guy is giving me 30 chest compressions while his partner is giving me tongue once every six compressions. I thought I was in gender free heaven, for sure."
Steve Sideboard, founder and inventor of the remarkable FlipO'Mat mattress put out a statement, "Those out dated queen and king size mattress are certainly a bitch for one or two people to turn over. With my patented "flip the mat" technology there was nothing to do except press a button on the remote and the mattress would slowly turn over using the patented robotic arms embedded within the mattress and box spring. Our hearts go out to the families who have lost loved ones and we are offering to those families our Deluxe King Size Self Flipping Mattress and Box Spring for no money down and 60 months to pay at only 4% interest compounded hourly."
|Death by box spring.
A mattress a trois gone very wrong.
Sleepytime Industries has promised to repair all defective mattresses. These should be returned, care of, the Nigerian Embassy, 17 Nebraska Avenue, Washington, DC. An original receipt, a large pizza with extra cheese and your best rendition of Bob Wills & His Texas Playboy's song, "San Antonio Rose", will be required for identification and processing. If you don't have the receipt, one of your kidneys will do just fine.
Anyone wishing a refund instead can go their web site, www.youdonthaveachanceinhell.com. It may take you a few months to get through but it still beats healthcare.gov.
Can I get an amen?